DDD - He does occasionally (usually it's him telling me he loves me either in a text or after SF). I think it is difficult for him to make uplifting comments about anything specific, though.

Before the A, he was very complimentary and quick to give me praise.

My own experience tells me that FB is no place for a married person. FB is where my now EX-wife met her �friend�. It was learned later that �her Prince Charming� had about 13 women in his little cyber harem.
Granted, she started out with bad intentions, so I�m not passing judgment on you or your husband. However, FB is full of predators masquerading as your neighbors. I think it is best just to stay away from it altogether.
Just my .02

Hmm. It sounds like your BH has gotten stuck in recovery. Sometimes a spouse will refuse to move through the affair, and will remain stuck in a spot for awhile because it does something for them. (This is called 'secondary gain')

I know you have tried to talk with your H and he has been reluctant. Bring me up to speed: have you discussed your EN's as a couple? Have the two of you been O&H with each other?

This doesn't make sense:

The fact that he is married to you tells the world that he truly wants to be married to you, so this one doesn't fly.

It sounds like he's punishing you. Again, for secondary gain - you're going to "pay" for what you did to him. The problem with this is that it prevents the two of you from recovering and rebuilding an intimate, loving relationship. So you both lose. (But you knew that already, sorry. ) Making you "pay" won't do anything for him in the long run if he wishes to remain married to you.

Would he be open to counselling with the Harleys?

Yep, I totally get where you are coming from. I can't disagree about parenting issues, financial matters or household projects.

Let me ask you, was your husband like this before the A? Mine was. At first I thought maybe I was rewriting history but now after a year and a half, the fog has definitely cleared and I am remembering events rather clearly. If we disagreed. He withdrew until I pleaded and begged. He never actually admitted there was a connection between our disagreement and his withdrawl but when I "gave in" things immmediately improved.

Now he suddenly wants to bring up the affair when we are talking about other uncomfortable subjects.

I know I have to break this cycle, I'm not sure how. I think I was getting there a couple of years ago but then veered off into the easier (ha) route of having an affair and avoiding the hard work. Now, like you, I don't know how to get back there given what I've done.

Do you have talks with him about how well you're meeting his ENs and what you can be doing to improve? If not, bring it up and then tell him a couple positive things he's doing to meet your needs. Then you can tell him that you're really craving more affirmation.

Is he on the same page as you with understanding the love bank concept, meeting ENs, avoiding LBs?

One easy activity to do together to increase affirmation is to keep separate gratitude journals. Any old notebook or piece of paper will do; it doesn't need to be fancy. You each write in it daily and share with each other daily, maybe reading to each other before going to bed. Even if he is reluctant at first to state his gratitude about you, he will hear your words of gratitude about him and that will feel good to him. Maybe his wall will melt little by little. And gratitude is usually reciprocated. Speaking uplifting words to one another then becomes habit.

SunnyDaze...I feel like I'm reading my own posts when I read yours (our situations are eerily similar). I have always been the quiet, passive, submissive wife, and that worked well for my H (not so well for me, but still not a justification for the A).

Now, when I try to have a backbone and ask for something, he sees it as disrespecting him as a man. I had told him after d-day that I would do whatever it took for as long as it took to prove to him that I loved him and wanted him (and I did mean that...still do). Unfortuntaly, I see 'doing what it takes' as providing some input into our marriage situation and expressing how I feel to him so that he can have some understanding of my wants, needs, and desires. He sees it as being affectionate, admiring, and 'respecting' him enough to allow him to make the decisions regarding us and our family.

He knows that I read on the MB site quite a bit and I definitely talk with him about the principles, but he is reluctant to read anything if there is mention of affairs. He says he just tries to make it through the day without thinking about what our past involves and that means distracting himself from anything that has to do with the 'A'. I know it is terribly painful for him...at what point is it reasonable for him to begin at least acknowledging the issue and then work through it. Am I being too harsh or too impatient? Honestly?

KF, what you say here tells me there is no plan for recovery in your marriage. Having no plan is a plan to FAIL. Just staying together in a crippled marriage is not "recovery." Not having a plan for recovery is likely to lead to more affairs because this is just a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage.

You need to have a PLAN, KF. There is no plan here.

Do you have any of the Marriage Builders books?

I think this is very common. And it is even understandable. You said you are not yet 2 years out from D-Day. I am 4 1/2 years out, and my DH does not do this anymore. Honestly.....it has been so long since he enjoyed secondary A gain that I can't remember when it last happened.

I have a huge problem with exes being friends on FB. And when someone makes their "right" to have exes as friends....I have to wonder why? Is that "right" to have Suzy-I-banged-in-high school really more important then the M?

Your (and my) choice to cheat was absolutely wrong. But, especially when you have taken responsibility and are doing the work, it should not define who you are for the rest of your life. Not to yourself, and not to your DH. My mom is a master manipulator, and she knew I really wanted to please her ALL the time. So when she didn't like something all she had to do to really crush me was pour on the praise to my brother, my friends, the garbageman....anyone EXCEPT me.

I'll never fully grasp the horror I heaped on my DH with my A in the spring of 2006. And the anger and pain did last for awhile, as one would expect. But it doesn't have to last forever, and your A does not mean you are never again supposed to have needs or feelings or expectations.

Keep working, keep meeting those needs, and talk with your DH about this. At this point, if my DH tried the "well, remember what YOU did" routine I'd call him on it in an instant. You may not be quite there yet.

MaritalBliss,
My H and I both know that he is stuck. We just really don't trust anyone to give us good advice (the A began as our pastor giving us 'marraige' advice...he gathered information on me and our marriage for nearly 3 years before finally expressing his true wishes about me being the 'desire of his heart'. Yes, I did choose to fall for that crap, but needless to say, it's difficult to trust anyone to guide us right now). My H is not terribly fond of the idea of counseling with the Harleys, although if I said it was important to me, he would probably listen reluctantly.

DDD,

I really like your idea about the gratitude journal...even if I'm the only one who is able to complete it for a while, I know that would do a lot to fulfill an EN for him. I'm just hoping that I can get to a point where I feel good enough about my own worth as a person to not be so dependent on words of affirmation from him. Not quite there yet, but continuing to try.

Get him on the phone with Steve Harley and he won't be reluctant anymore! Steve will sell him on the idea of a happy, romantic marriage. He is very logical and most men seem to really take to him becuase he doesn't waste time with psychobabble.

I can certainly understand his reluctance then. Counseling may very well be a negative trigger for him. MelodyLane asked if you have any MB books.

That would probably be the best place to start.

Because as she said, you really need to have a plan for recovery.

Right now you don't agree with his conduct on fb. It's an LB for you.

But until he's on board with you about LBs, ENs, POJA, etc, you can "force" him to get off fb (which might be a good move anyway), but he's still not understanding or respecting you in the way you need. You're not moving forward together in the way you both need.

Your goal is for him to be your partner, for both of you to desire to fill each other's love banks by meeting ENs.

Until then, it doesn't matter if it's fb or something else he's doing, his lack of private and public affirmation for you is going to be a problem.

HA! I see an opening! Your H is reluctant to counsel with anyone, probably because his previous counseling experience wasn't a good one.

Grab this and run with it, KF. Make an appointment today with the Harleys. It doesn't matter right now if he's listening 'reluctantly' - he's listening. That's the beginning.

We have SAA and HNHN (which I conveniently loaded onto his new iPad, just in case he decides to do some reading).

I asked him to meet me for lunch today...maybe I'll ask him again about the counseling. Couldn't hurt, right?

maritalbliss is right. Counseling/coaching over the phone is different than in person. H only has to listen, and since H doesn't have to sit with you in front of some man (potential perp), it may not be a trigger for him. If a male coach is a problem, you can request an appointment with Jennifer.

And let me tell you from my own experience as a BS speaking to a MB coach over the phone, Steve Harley (in my case) makes a very compelling case -- rather he lets me come to the conclusion myself -- that it is of no advantage to stay stuck in the past, stuck on how my H betrayed me in the past.