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It is a suffering we must all bear. Strong efforts to prevent it from happening again. The opposite of covering up is uncovering or disclosing - The Pope
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Cue MelodyLane's fog horn. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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remove the third party ww from who's marriage? Dang. I need another Diet Coke. I'm not parsing very well today! You are removing a threat from OM & OMW's marriage by your actions. That threat is your wife. She is the fox in the henhouse right now. OM and his BW cannot reconcile until that threat is removed.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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 Adultery
Adultery is a crime under Wisconsin laws. The crime of adultery can only occur if one (or both) of the parties involved in an extra-marital affair are married to another person.
Wisconsin Laws On Adultery
Under Wisconsin law, if a married person has sexual intercourse with a person who is not his spouse, both parties commit the crime of adultery. Under Wisconsin law (WI Statute 944.16), adultery is a Class I felony.
The penalty for a Class I Felony is a fine of up to $10,000, or imprisonment of up to 3-1/2 years, or both; however, for a repeat offender, the term of imprisonment may increase up to 2 years with prior misdemeanor convictions, and up to 6 years with a prior felony conviction.
Why Is Adultery A Crime?
Under the laws of most states across the United States, adultery is not a crime. Wisconsin legislature imposed criminal sanctions upon the crime of adultery to preserve and protect the institution of marriage and family. In 2006, voters also voted a constitutional amendment defining the institution of marriage as being a legal marriage and contract between one man and one woman. That amendment also addressed the state's legal position on bigamy.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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THG, first thing is to contact the OMW today and compare notes. Just know that anything you tell her will probably be passed onto the OM, so this is a great opportunity for you to plant seeds.
Tell her what has transpired and tell her that you are consulting an attorney about your W's legal position. [be vague] Ask her if she knows that adultery is a FELONY in the state of Wisconsin? Tell her you are checking into this.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Adultery is a crime under Wisconsin laws. If only it was a crime everywhere ...
FBW in recovery
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MelodyLane - If I create a financial threat to their business they probably will not fire my ww. Shouldn't I tell her that we have no intentions of filing a suit and I just want my wife out of there?
It is a suffering we must all bear. Strong efforts to prevent it from happening again. The opposite of covering up is uncovering or disclosing - The Pope
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I am meeting with my lawyer this afternoon.
It is a suffering we must all bear. Strong efforts to prevent it from happening again. The opposite of covering up is uncovering or disclosing - The Pope
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MelodyLane - If I create a financial threat to their business they probably will not fire my ww. Shouldn't I tell her that we have no intentions of filing a suit and I just want my wife out of there? You should let her know what will happen if your wife DOESN'T LEAVE. That is the point. BUT... you very much need to get an attorney, THG.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am meeting with my lawyer this afternoon. Good!! What about calling the OMW?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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MelodyLane - If I create a financial threat to their business they probably will not fire my ww. Shouldn't I tell her that we have no intentions of filing a suit and I just want my wife out of there? They already know she is a financial threat. They're hoping you guys don't figure it out! THG, they can't let your WW go now! That could put them in a legal sling! They're hoping she will leave on her own! Here's their plan so far, aka Damage Control: 1. Be forgiving of her "We're all adults, here! We can work this out!" CHECK. 2. Reassure WW so she doesn't get legal advice out of fear of losing her job: "Of COURSE we're not going to let you go!" CHECK. 3. Establish probable lack of company liability: "But you understand we just need you to sign this little Hold Harmless letter, here, for our files." CHECK. 4. Make sure BH doesn't create a scene by keeping him away from premises. CHECK. 4. Get back to business as quickly as possible so WW doesn't have time to consider her options. CHECK. 5. OMs father threatens to deball OM if he even looks at WW again. (Which, of course, won't work, but at least OM father can say he said it. CHECK. 6. "Whew! We dodged THAT bullet!" HOLD THE CHECK MARK. That remains to be seen... Don't say a word about not wanting to sue! You will lose serious leverage! Just get it out there that you are pursuing legal advice about the situation.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Plan A .... THE CARROTYou're doing GREAT with THE STICK, but do not forget, there is also a CARROT ! The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding. Stop lovebusting behaviors.
from the site:
Quote:
Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty Offering forgiveness and understanding.
By this I mean .... suggesting to the confused foggy affair-addicted spouse that there is HOPE for the marriage even though what they are doing is awful ... there is a map leading to home
Often their thinking is thus: "It's too late now. I've done too much damage ... my spouse could never forgive me, so I might as well continue with the affair."
You, the sane spouse, need to squash that belief that they can never be forgiven for what they have done.
You do not need to forgive them right away, but offer them the hope of a future where all is forgiven.
You can word it something like this:
All of us do things we regret. When I think of some of my past mistakes, I am extremely grateful for having been forgiven by those I've hurt. I want to be in the position to offer you that same grace. I have been forgiven, so I understand what it feels like to be in a position where you hope forgiveness is possible. It is possible.
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She does not want me to attend the business holiday party, since his wife will be there and she is afraid I will make a scene. What day is this "Holiday Party" anyway? It's gonna be a doozie !  Seriously, when is it? Stir the pot , stir the pot, stir the pot. This party is going to be one HOT MESS !
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I just tried to call the affair OMW, but she did not answer.
I texted my WW, trust me I am finally starting to see that she is wayward, and asked her if she signed anything at the lawyers office yesterday. She called me back a while later and we made small talk about her doctors visit and I noticed an over excited energy in her voice. I then asked if she signed anything at the lawyers and after a bit of silence she said yes, that their sex was consenting.
When my WW returned from the lawyer yesterday she said "I still have my job" and "they wanted to see me because of their concern that you were at the office in the morning".
First of all my wife would have told me that she signed the form and not made the whole thing about me being an issue.
Tonight I let WW know that my wife would not have lied about the lawyers visit, that in order for us to re-build our marriage she has to stop all contact with the affair partner, without exception.
This will lead to I am not quitting my job. The only question I have is should I give her 3 months to quit the job - to allow her time to find a new job?
Is there anything I am missing here?
I tried to call the OMW, but she did not answer. He is out of town for the next two days, she may be with him or they may have told her that I was looking for a payday and she will not talk to me.
It is a suffering we must all bear. Strong efforts to prevent it from happening again. The opposite of covering up is uncovering or disclosing - The Pope
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THG, first thing is to contact the OMW today and compare notes. Just know that anything you tell her will probably be passed onto the OM, so this is a great opportunity for you to plant seeds.
Tell her what has transpired and tell her that you are consulting an attorney about your W's legal position. [be vague] Ask her if she knows that adultery is a FELONY in the state of Wisconsin? Tell her you are checking into this. A quick note on the effectiveness of talking lawsuits with the BW: the BW will FLIP OUT. Resist the urge to console her by saying that you don't plan to file. You WANT her to be frightened by the prospect of a lawsuit! Not only has WH devastated their M, but he has also directly threatened BW's financial security. She will communicate the seriousness of this to her H, confirming what he's already been told by his company's attorneys. We're talking reality, now. I remember.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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The only question I have is should I give her 3 months to quit the job - to allow her time to find a new job? No. Do not issue any sort of timeline ultimatum. Your plans, as they develop, should remain stealth. Do not broadcast your future plans. You're too early to know about 3 months from now.
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This will lead to I am not quitting my job. The only question I have is should I give her 3 months to quit the job - to allow her time to find a new job? Let her know you would be willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness only if she quits the job, commits to no contact for life with the OM and commits to a plan of recovery for the marriage. Tell her this is the only way you would consider staying in the marriage. Otherwise this will lead to divorce. Explain to her that adultery is illegal in your state and you are considering pursuing that avenue in conjunction with the divorce. If she says, ok, you can leave, let her know in no uncertain terms that you will be going NOWHERE. She will be the one leaving. I would also have an action plan in hand from your attorney about how she can leave her job with a nice, fat severence package. The fact that she signed some form saying her sex was concensual is ludicrous since no one ever insinuated he raped her anyway. Using his authority to persuade female subordinates to have sex with them is still considered sexual harassment. Guide her out of this with a PLAN in hand, THG. Have a legal plan for her to get out there and have a plan for the recovery of your marriage. Set the bar HIGH and don't settle for less. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE. NOTHING.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If I don't have plan a going for me yet, should I wait a few days until we discuss the lawyer visit lie and that she must end all contact with the affair partner and focus on making it a plan a atmoshphere.
We were getting there. She even said, Sunday afternoon that we were making great progress, but then I confronted affair partners wife, sent the family informational email and met with her parents, and the affair partner.
So she sees work as the oasis from the storm and home and my family as the enemy right now.
Correct this or keep moving with the lawyer and cut off communication tonight?
It is a suffering we must all bear. Strong efforts to prevent it from happening again. The opposite of covering up is uncovering or disclosing - The Pope
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This will lead to I am not quitting my job. The only question I have is should I give her 3 months to quit the job - to allow her time to find a new job? THG, she should be able to leave NOW if she gets a package. That is why I want you to consult an attorney. I wouldn't give her 3 months at all. I would DEMAND that she leave now. From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94: "Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If I don't have plan a going for me yet, should I wait a few days until we discuss the lawyer visit lie and that she must end all contact with the affair partner and focus on making it a plan a atmoshphere. THG, I would get your plan ready NOW so you can discuss tonight. Get your marriage plan ready and then discuss with the lawyer today so you are ready tonight. You need to strike while the iron is hot. So she sees work as the oasis from the storm and home and my family as the enemy right now. No, she is trying to protect her affair. It is under FIRE and you want to keep it that way. YOU DO NOT LET UP. You don't let up and give the infifels a chance to regroup.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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