Well. Okay, then. That, you can do.

This is brilliant! And very true. That page is an admission that they committed adultery. She hung herself without seeming to know this.

View her in her proper perspective: as falling down drunk who is high on the fumes of her addiction. You cannot reason with a drunk. It is a waste of time to engage in debate with them. Just keep your cool and remember to NEVER LET A DRUNK drive the car, no matter how convincing. It is not even negotiable!

Any more discussion about the company Christmas Party?

WW doesn't care about the OMW. If she did why is she doing the OM?

This shows that exposure works. WW is trying her best to make you afraid to expose any more.

Last night was the second good night sleep since I learned about the affair almost 8 weeks ago. The first good night sleep was Monday night after exposing the affair to the OMW. I am even starting to get the acronyms, scarry.

I probably brought too much emotion to our discussion last night, but I started by saying to my WW that she continues to lie to me. Again after meeting with the attorneys she came home and blamed me. "This meeting was about you coming up to the office". She did not mention or mentioned in passing that she signed a document admitting that the affair was consentual.

I explained to her that the company has at least $1M exposure due to the corporate president having an affair with one of his employees. That is just the begining if the manager that the company fired this summer found out my wife had influence in the decision add another million or more... What she thought was this love fest, please come back to us meeting was really a cover my [censored] from closing the corporate doors crap fest.

I explained that the reason she drafted and signed her own admission was so that it would not be seen as a cohersed (sp?) statement.

Anyway, I said that I miss my wife. The wife that would reach mutual agreement before making any decision. The wife that would not lie to me, even a little white lie. The wife that shared her intimate thoughts and feelings with me and not another man.

I told her that everything that I have done, I have done to save our marriage. In order to stay together she would have to end all contact with the OM for life, be completely transparent and commit to re-building our marriage. Otherwise, we were heading to divorce.

She explained there is no way the OM was going to come anywhere near her, not that the OMW knows about the affair. I said it wasn't about my trusting her or the OM, it was about the fact that she is infatuated with this man and that she could not reopen intimacy with me while she still has daily contact with him. I also told her it was disrepectful to me, just like her decision to attend the holiday party without me and many of her recent decisions. I would rather end our marriage today, than by 1,000 cuts over the next year.

We talked, and talked somemore. I told her I was very clear and that at times, this being one of them, a spouse has to make a demand. This was that time. I ensured her that we could have a wonderful loving marriage together and leave a legacy for our children and grandchildren, but she had to agree to these conditions and follow through on them.

After my second complete night sleep in 8 weeks, while I was getting ready for work WW said that she will probably have to quit her job and agree not to see OM again. She asked for two weeks to work through it. I agreed.

Cross your fingers. No more talk about the subject. I truly feel the 8 weeks of internal conflict is over and that this is the true heart of the matter. With whatever decision she makes I will be at peace with the outcome and can move forward in this inbearable fork in the road.

My plan for the next two weeks is to make a caring, peaceful environment at home, without going overboard and wait for her decision.

By the way I tried to contact the OMW, but she did not answer nor did she return my calls. I am sure she is running scared with the rest of them. My lawyer said our state does not prosecute the felony adultery law.

Any additional suggestions welcome...

Any more discussion about the company Christmas Party?[/quote]


After meeting with the lawyer on Tuesday, it was decided she would not attend the holiday party.

Gotta hand it to you thg. You stepped right up. I think you have been a rock through this. If your wife brings up losing her position, just tell her to go look in the mirror at the real person who caused this. I hope giving her two weeks is not her attempt to try and see if you will change your mind. How do your boys feel about her staying there? Stay strong.

Thg12,

I think you have handled yourself very well, all the correct moves at the right time. It's key to have a plan, the vets here are great at keeping everything on track.
I'm glad you finally are getting some rest, I remember the early days, no sleep for weeks, it felt like my body was reving all the time..
I think your wife knows the difficulty this whole situation now has attached to it now that everyone knows, exposure has been key, great job by the way on that.
Quitting her job is the first step, No Contact forever is the next.
I like your plan for the next two weeks........make her want to be at home and let her feel safe there, she won't feel that anywhere else...........my husband now tells me that in the beginning because of my big heart to continue to love him through all the pain he had caused me made home the only place he felt safe.......
Give the OMW some time, she is trying to come to terms with her life falling apart, maybe after some time she will have more to say, maybe not, I'm sure her husband has told her legally she shouldn't talk to you..........
After I found out about my husband's affair from the OW's husband, after that first meeting where the truth came out, I didn't want any part of either of them. OW or her husband, they had brought so much pain to my life, although I was greatful for his part in telling me, It stopped the affair in it's tracks, without knowing that who knows what would have happened.......
Even though you are feeling positive and hopeful right now, I want you to keep checking, waywards dont' tell the whole truth so be aware of that, don't just trust her words, let her actions speak the truth now.........
I think it's great the xmas party is not going to happen for your wife.........step 1
Hang in there, glad your feeling better and that things look like they are moving in the right direction.........keep yourself busy.............

Thanks.

My hope is that the delay is not an attempt to see if the OM will be kicked out of the house. My son is doing surprisingly well. My daughter returns home from college in two weeks and we will tell her about the affair at that time.

The internal peace that I am feeling tells me that this is the only path to follow. I will not change my mind. I will not extend the timeline. I will not go through the holidays wondering if she will stay or go.

WW kept getting mad at me that we kept bring up the subject, it is clear now that it would not 'go to rest' until we resolved the root of the problem, which was her daily contact with the OM.

This is infact is the premise behind shows like MTV Real World. Put strangers in a house together and watch the fireworks. Well no wonder affairs happen most frequently in the workplace when we spend one third of our waking life at the office.

that gut feeling of what is right for you is key, listen to that........
I would stick to that plan, be firm about the 2 weeks and then let the chips fall where they may,
Like you said earlier, there are certain situations where you have to demand an answer and this is one of those times.......
always keep in the back of your mind, she hasn't earned yet losing the label WS, until that happens you can't trust her.......

I suspect that she will be on her best behavior for the next two weeks. Right now, in her fog, she is thinking she wants to keep her job and she may really think she can avoid the temptation of OM. She may really feel this way, because she's an addicted wayward and waywards can get into some pretty weird mindsets.

It won't work, though. For all of her sincere efforts to avoid OM, all it will take is a chance passing in the hall to jump start the A again.

So at the end of the two weeks, when she comes to you with her 'reformed' wayward statements ("See? I told you I could avoid OM and I did. So I think I'll stay at my job.") you need to reiterate your conditions. NC for life. She still needs to leave her job.

As far as not being able to reach OMW: right now you represent a very painful event for her. She may be avoiding you because speaking with you is so traumatic. In my sitch I spoke with OWH a few times. Then I had to discourage him from calling me again, because each contact was a traumatic one.

More likely she will be on her best behaviour in an attempt to gaslight her BH into thinking that her continuing to work with the OM is really not that big of a deal.

Take it from me, is IS that big of a deal. I should have demanded that my FWW leave her job IMMEDIATELY after D-Day, no excuses.

Put a hidden GPS on her car.

You are doing great! I would not let her REST for one day until she is out of there. Be a broken record EVERY DAY "it is very disrespectful to me and I will not live like this." If you let up AT ALL, she will think you don't care. Be a broken record and stay on her [censored].

Another key element is she will be REQUIRED to give you all the facts about her affair. You have a right to know each and every thing about her affair. I would start writing out the questions as you think of them and tell her you need to have a truth telling session.

bingo!!

You are doing GREAT. I want you to remember however, as Pep pointed out, that there is a carrot to Plan A as well. Meet ENs and avoid LBs(other than the ones that deal with busting this affair, we won't worry about those). Is there anything we can help you with on that front?

You are doing a superb job. You are going to be talked about for YEARS to come. You are a ROCKSTAR.

I arrived home last night with the mindset to make it a peaceful, enjoyable setting for my WW and son (home from college for the holidays). Within 5 minutes my WW started talking about having to leave her job. She spoke with her supervisor (who knows of the affair) and the HR Manager. They both convinced her that she is still on the job because she is a valued employee. She said the OM told his wife that although she wants my wife out of the company she is a valued employee and they will not get rid of her.

The OMW has a strong pre-nup and will get a big part of the company, house...

My WW said that now that everyone knows the OM will never even come near her, why does she have to leave a job that she really enjoys, provides financial support and has developed good friends over the past 24 years.

I told her that she has given the best part of herself to the OM, who is the owner of the company. That her actions over the past two months since I found out continue to prove to me that she has a strong emotional tie to the OM (choosing her christmas party over me, trying to use his personal fitness room at the office, not being transparant with her email account, phone records...).

I told her that it is not about whether they ever have sex again or not, which would end our marriage immediately. It is about being 100% committed to me, which I don't believe she can do while she still sees him on a regular basis.

I have to tell you this is hard. I know that she is thinking that I am just reverting to my old - tell her what to do self again and that she may be better off on her own and working at this job than with her husband bossing her around.

My WW tried to continue to threaten me. Well you know you won't be having sex with me, maybe never again. I asked that she please stop threatening me. That a threat is not a respectful way to communicate with her husband.

We finally stopped talking about it and I helped her with a small baking project. Later in the night she turned on the charm.

After working out this morning, while she was getting ready for work I told her that I know she is struggling with this decision, but that it is clear to me by her actions since mid-October, when I discovered the affair, that there is still a strong emotional connection with the OM. That she shared the best part of herself with the OM and the only way to break that connection and become 100% committed to our relationship is to agree to never see him again.

She said the advice that I have been getting this week is going to drive us apart.

There are other signs that the affair may have continued as late as this Monday. The day I told the OMW. I don't feel like sharing them on line, but my gut tells me so.

How do I keep up the pressure, but in a manner that helps her see that we can rebuild a great marriage.


What is an EN and LB?

Have you read all of this site?

An EN is an emotional need.

An LB is a love buster.

Have you read the basic concepts?

None of us reading your most recent post is surprised that your WW is trying to negotiate a way to stay at the job, as a matter of fact, I believe that someone warned your about this.

There is a lot to read on this site. Here is a thread that I started to help guide newly betrayed spouses around this site. Read EVERYTHING. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

Yes, I have read much of the site content and the basic concepts. Just struggling with the acronyms at times.

THG,
She is doing exactly what all waywards do, they try to convince us that they can control themselves around the OM and that seeing him everyday won't be a problem.
The first rule here by Dr. Harley is to end all contact with the affair partner, nothing else works.
Your wife has to quit the job this is so the affair doesn't spark at some point and the other part of why this happens is for the BS. Can you imagine what your life would be like watching her go to work everyday, when she is late, where is your mind going to go........A lot of affairs go deeper underground and then where will you be..........
The OM has obviously convinced his wife that the affair is over, I think you continue to try to contact her and the two of you figure out how to get your wife out of there, if she puts pressure on her husband and you from your end........
She is working you, don't let that happen, Start looking at Plan B, don't take no for an answer...........
My husband's OW also worked for him, I just made it clear that either she goes or he must leave everything he has know and has in his life..........she is gone now and it's a much better daily life for me and him, I think he actually sees it now.
good luck.........remember fog babble and withdrawal takes some time.
your wife isn't your wife right now..........have you exposed to your children?
Time for everyone to know the real story