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Hi All,
An update as I was ill and once again the lovely status of inpatient on the immediate care ward. My Dr. is seriously concerned with my emotional health and the impact it is having on the physical end due to WS's EA which is still ongoing. So Plan A has failed miserably.
Today I informed him that I feel it is time that we either separate or I file for "D'. Maybe that was idiotic of me. In any case I get a 77 minute phone call from him. He then proceeds to explain that he isn't doing anything wrong. They have never, ever been sexual or romantic. They are the very most dearest and oldest friends in the whole world. Yes, he has been slightly selfish he then tells me. But he has not tried to hide or cover anything up. He spends every spare moment while at home on facebook chatting it up with her, and while out of town for work 50-70 minute phone conversations at night and texting sometimes 118 in 3 hours.Last week he wished me good night and at the minute he hung up with me picked up the cell and spent the night talking with her. Well they have so much catching up to do. He feels I am totally unjustified in what I am doing and have invaded his privacy. Basically I am in the wrong here.
Exposure hasn't done anything for me unfortunately. The OW's BH knows and she is planning to leave him and guess what move closer to our direction! Lovely. I can barf at the thought. I have been up all night crying my eyes out just not knowing which direction to go in. I need a very serious neurosurgery on De. 22nd. I do not have anyone else to physically help me through this. God I am really scrwed. I would really like to proceed with separating until he ends it. If not we are done. This marriage is to crowded.
He told me he is starved for friendship. She is an electronic friend and it is all harmless.
Okay everyone I have been reading all of the plan b threads and anything else I can get my hands on. Now I just need a little advice on my particular issues on implementing a plan b successfully! TIA so much!
Good grief.
Last edited by Jinxie; 11/30/10 07:14 PM.
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What ages are your kids, Jinxie?
Do you have a separate source of income?
Will your H continue to support you without a legal separation agreement?
Who can you ask to arrange pickups and drop offs with your kids when they see WH? (They won't need these if they are older).
Who can you use as an intermediary to pass urgent messages between you, and to screen non-important messages that your H tries to send you??
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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I am a little confused about your post. I understand that you want to implement Plan B, I just feel as though you are asking for a different way to do it. Fortunately, there is only one way to do Plan B properly and that is with total and complete darkness. What help do you need in that direction? Do you have a letter drafted? Are you emotionally prepared to do this?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Jinxie, this has gone on long enough. Your WH is gaslighting you. To-wit: He then proceeds to explain that he isn't doing anything wrong They are the very most dearest and oldest friends in the whole world. Well they have so much catching up to do. He told me he is starved for friendship She is an electronic friend and it is all harmless Gas-lighting can become emotionally debilitating, even for the physically/emotionally strongest among us. We start to question our sanity. We start to crumble under the skewed logic that the WS is spouting. We start to question our gut (never a good idea.) Oh, sure, it's normal to spend entire evenings on FB with another woman. Oh, sure, it's normal to be texting another man's wife 118 times in 3 hours. Oh, sure, it's normal to hear that your M is crumbling because you just...can't...seem...to...break...it...off. With your dear friend.  The bottom line is this: if your H is indulging in behaviors that are negatively affecting your M, he needs to stop. He has chosen not to do this. What those behaviors are is immaterial. The fact that they are the 'dearest friends in the world' is immaterial. So is the rest of the tripe that he has trotted out to excuse this horrible behavior. He has chosen not to stop. His 77 minute phone call shows that you are supplying a wealth of his EN's. That needs to stop now. He needs a strong cup of reality. I would suggest Plan B at this point, mainly for your own health, but also as a way of removing those critical needs that you are supplying to him.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Jinxie, this has gone on long enough. Your WH is gaslighting you. To-wit: He then proceeds to explain that he isn't doing anything wrong They are the very most dearest and oldest friends in the whole world. Well they have so much catching up to do. He told me he is starved for friendship She is an electronic friend and it is all harmless Gas-lighting can become emotionally debilitating, even for the physically/emotionally strongest among us. We start to question our sanity. We start to crumble under the skewed logic that the WS is spouting. We start to question our gut (never a good idea.) Oh, sure, it's normal to spend entire evenings on FB with another woman. Oh, sure, it's normal to be texting another man's wife 118 times in 3 hours. Oh, sure, it's normal to hear that your M is crumbling because you just...can't...seem...to...break...it...off. With your dear friend. The bottom line is this: if your H is indulging in behaviors that are negatively affecting your M, he needs to stop. He has chosen not to do this. What those behaviors are is immaterial. The fact that they are the 'dearest friends in the world' is immaterial. So is the rest of the tripe that he has trotted out to excuse this horrible behavior. He has chosen not to stop. His 77 minute phone call shows that you are supplying a wealth of his EN's. That needs to stop now. He needs a strong cup of reality. I would suggest Plan B at this point, mainly for your own health, but also as a way of removing those critical needs that you are supplying to him. Hi All, Yes I agree whole heartedly that it needs to stop. My children are all grown and flown the coop. At this time they live out of state. Both of my parents are gone. I have very little next to no other support means at this time. I am in need of a very serious neurosurgery on Dec. 22nd. I want him to leave but he will not. He says no one's going anywhere. Why would I stay married to you if I wasn't in love with you, yadda yadda...What you have said above is 100% correct and I know it and accept it. I do not know how on earth I will get through this damned surgery and recovery any other freaking way! I am between a rock and very hard place. He is out of town on business still and I am refusing to speak to him. I will not answer any more of his text messages nor his phone calls. I am working on a letter, and have torn it up 4 different times now. He says that I am behaving like a jealous and insecure wife which is B.S.! Yes this past few weeks while inpatient again he got me good. I truly have been questioning my sanity. It is a horrible feeling. The last text he sent to me after the phone call was that what I am doing is absolutely unjustified. They are very old friends who were never romantic. They even had overnights. Blah! I guess a little direction or advice would be helpful. TIA
Last edited by Jinxie; 12/01/10 08:49 AM.
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I would just simply say to him that his friendship if that is what it is has to stop if he wants to continue the marriage.....
You tell him that you don't want to continue if he choses to continue that relationship with the OW, tell him that it is wrong to have a friendship when it hurts you. If he won't then make him leave the house the marriage until he can decide which one is more important to have in his life, that friendship or you.
I would expose to everyone with the phone call evidence so they can decide if they think it suspicious or not, my guess your grown children would see it your way as well........
Remember everything your husband tells you or says to you is Affair Fog Babble, he will lie to cover up what he is doing and you know he will make decisions that aren't in your best interest.............
Time to take a stand and let the chips fall where they may, is the OW married? Contact her husband and family.
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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How ridiculous.
Tell your husband that this "friendship" is jeapordizing his marriage. It is so harmful that he must end it completely.
Would he put up this much of a fuss if his "friend" was named Joe or Bob? Would he be acting this ridiculous? Would he be texting and calling incessantly?
Don't put up with it.
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I do not know how on earth I will get through this damned surgery and recovery any other freaking way! I am between a rock and very hard place. Let's move some reality around for a minute, okay? Let's say your wayward was already out of your life. And everything else remains the same. Now. You've got to have the surgery. How will you be able to do this? Think.
D-Day 2-10-2009
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Yesterday during that 77 minute phone call I did let him know that either the friendship with her ends or our M does. It was a very hurtful conversation. Later on in the day he continued to bombard me with texts regarding MY UNJUSTIFIED BEHAVIOR AND WHAT I AM DOING SNOOPING AND PRIVACY ETC. SO VERY WRONG. I sent him one final text saying that I had made my position clear and until he is ready to follow through and commit we have nothing else to discuss.
Now today he is again bombarding me with texts. The first one, good morning princess, 2nd I love you and miss you really very much whether or not you believe it, 3rd I changed my Facebook profile and set it to married and put a pic of you on the page, have you seen or looked at it yet? 4th I don't understand you can you quit behaving like a teenage daughter and act like my wife!
I am not responding to anything. I have decided to get this letter done and firm requirements in place before he returns home. I am moving from the master bedroom to the lower level 3rd bedroom which I just redecorated and made beautiful where I will be comfy. We will be leading and living separate lives period. I will do NOTHING for him.
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@Jinxie -
This is your home. You are the Queen of it. Moving to the lower level is not where the Queen sleeps. She sleeps in her Royal Chambers. You do not get banished from your kingdom.
1st, 2nd, 3rd txts indicate kissing aff. The last indicates its all your fault. Pure projection on his part. Who is the one acting like a teenager?
Remove the affair phone when he is sleeping and flush it down the toilet or take a shower with it. Take a hammer to it. No Affair in your kingdom.
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Now today he is again bombarding me with texts. The first one, good morning princess, 2nd I love you and miss you really very much whether or not you believe it, 3rd I changed my Facebook profile and set it to married and put a pic of you on the page He is attempting to appease you so you'll shut up and let him continue on his merry way. So WHAT if he put a married status on his FB?? OW already knows he's married! That proves nothing. Keep going.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I am not responding to anything. I have decided to get this letter done and firm requirements in place before he returns home. I am moving from the master bedroom to the lower level 3rd bedroom which I just redecorated and made beautiful where I will be comfy. We will be leading and living separate lives period. I will do NOTHING for him. I would most certainly NOT do this. Moving in the basement of your house while he lives there is what Dr Harley calls "PLAN C" which is most likely to lead to divorce. A better plan is to separate and go into PLAN B.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Exposure hasn't done anything for me unfortunately. The OW's BH knows and she is planning to leave him and guess what move closer to our direction! Have you personally spoken to the OW's H? And to whom else has the affair been exposed? Okay everyone I have been reading all of the plan b threads and anything else I can get my hands on. Now I just need a little advice on my particular issues on implementing a plan b successfully! TIA so much!
Good grief. I would ask him to move out and get separated so you CAN go into Plan B. Once he moves out you THEN give him a Plan B letter. The Plan B letter is outlined in the book SAA. I would also ask someone to be your intermediary who can be neutral. Do you have someone who can play that role?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes I spoke directly and he is absolutely stunned. I gave him my # and also copies of texts and the emails. I need a nap! My blood is boiling. Never mind, I see you did tell the OWH. Good job! Now, just carefully plan to go into Plan B. Get him moved out!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have decided to get this letter done and firm requirements in place before he returns home. I am moving from the master bedroom to the lower level 3rd bedroom which I just redecorated and made beautiful where I will be comfy. We will be leading and living separate lives period. I will do NOTHING for him. I just caught this. This won't do. You don't move out of your bedroom - WH does! AND the house. You need to go Plan B. I am very concerned that you think you need to have him with you, that you need him after surgery and maybe he'll see the light during all that. You have not answered me, Jinxie - what if your H was nowhere in the picture. How would you handle your surgery?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Ahaaaaa!
Just read CK,MB's posts!!!!!
Forget moving H into the 3rd BR!!!!!
It's TIME for H to be GONE!
I really like CK's post! YOU ARE THE QUEEN OF YOUR HOME! Nobody, but NOBODY displaces your rightful place in YOUR home...
God bless ~
"Now is the time for all good MB Veterans to come to the aid of their MB Rookies!"
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I have decided to get this letter done and firm requirements in place before he returns home. I am moving from the master bedroom to the lower level 3rd bedroom which I just redecorated and made beautiful where I will be comfy. We will be leading and living separate lives period. I will do NOTHING for him. I just caught this. This won't do. You don't move out of your bedroom - WH does! AND the house. You need to go Plan B. I am very concerned that you think you need to have him with you, that you need him after surgery and maybe he'll see the light during all that. You have not answered me, Jinxie - what if your H was nowhere in the picture. How would you handle your surgery? I have been pondering on this question all day. My children are far from me. They all know and are absolutely infuriated with WS, and have confronted him on his behavior and affair. Yes I agree I am so worn down. I am an emotional wreck, terrified of upcoming dangerous 7-9 hour neurosurgery. Afraid what will happen once home. So I called my insurance company today to inquire on home nursing care after wards. I also called my best friend of 17 years who is also currently in M hell with an alcoholic H to see if she can be of some assistance. Last time I asked WS to leave he firmly put his foot down and said NO.He says you want a separation, fine then leave. My lawyer says I can do nothing about it unless I file for a divorce and request and emergency hearing. No guarantee it will go anywhere due to community property state etc. While I was in the hospital he moved back in to my master bedroom from the den where I had banished him to. I do see what is going on. He lays it on thick, master manipulator. All the lovey, dovey gooey b.s. and piles it as high as the sky. Then once he doesn't get his way he starts to become angry and resentful towards me. When I saw that text about the stupid facebook "married" setting I felt like shoving his phone where the sun doesn't shine. OW's BH is absolutely stunned. And he actually found out through me ahead of time what she was planning to do in terms of leaving and divorcing him. Here's just a little fb chat sample: OW trying to get H out the door OW to work WS ahhhh i c OW Can't find anything without me. WS ur wonder woman thats why OW gonna be in a world of hurt I know that. OW Never know what ya have... WS this is true WS then poof its gone OW some men are smarter than others. WS thats when reality sets in OW Yeah. Hating that for him WS r u trying 2 tell me something peebs spit it out OW nope :-) OW u gonna pull another disappearing act WS who me never OW I miss ur voice haven't talked to you for 3 days now WS youve always been high maintence OW Yeah, only the real men get that though. OW Up for the challenge? WS course OW you on the road tomorrow? WS tonite early OW NEVER EVER PAIN OW I'm all about the love. WS :-) OW We have a friend who is a hugh Giants fan. Always hitting on me OW Hate it WS i dont beleive that 4 a second u always loved the attention OW only from you  WS I gotta go and get my haircut OW ttyl I love you WS love ya This is normal "friendship" bantering conversation?! I think not! I feel like sending him just one text that reads: Quit pissing on my boots and telling me it's raining.
Last edited by Jinxie; 12/01/10 02:37 PM.
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By the way thank you all so very much from the bottom of my heart. I could look into an apartment for me but really hate leaving my home when surgery is up in 20 days coming at me fast! My big sister said I can come and stay with her after wards but she lives 3 hours away from me.
I really was in deep need of a slap to wake me out of my emotionally warped sense of self, and state of mind.
Jinxie
Last edited by Jinxie; 12/01/10 02:40 PM.
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OW trying to get H out the door OW to work WS ahhhh i c OW Can't find anything without me. WS ur wonder woman thats why OW gonna be in a world of hurt I know that. OW Never know what ya have... WS this is true WS then poof its gone OW some men are smarter than others. WS thats when reality sets in OW Yeah. Hating that for him WS r u trying 2 tell me something peebs spit it out OW nope :-) OW u gonna pull another disappearing act WS who me never OW I miss ur voice haven't talked to you for 3 days now WS youve always been high maintence OW Yeah, only the real men get that though. OW Up for the challenge? WS course OW you on the road tomorrow? WS tonite early OW NEVER EVER PAIN OW I'm all about the love. WS :-) OW We have a friend who is a hugh Giants fan. Always hitting on me OW Hate it WS i dont beleive that 4 a second u always loved the attention OW only from you WS I gotta go and get my haircut OW ttyl I love you WS love ya This is normal "friendship" bantering conversation?! I think not! I feel like sending him just one text that reads: Quit pissing on my boots and telling me it's raining. Please, Jinxie. Allow me: Pa-Yuke.  Oh, yeah, I talk to all of my friends like that. 
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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