Tonite WS came to pick me up from the hospital. I was admitted a few days ago do to severe dehydration due to nausea and vomitting. I am fighting for my life due to a rare disease and the emotional stress has now put me over the edge. Now just home he's sleeping and I cannot.

I got up, found his stashed cell phone, powered it up and just as it came up this text came from the OW!

So tonite after WS went to sleep I found his hidden phone turned it on and just as it powered up the following text came from the OW!I FEEL LIKE WAKING HIS FRICKING BUTT UP AND THROWING HIM OUT NOW. I AM STUNNED!

1 more thing and your stalker girlfriend will leave you alone for the night. I want a sleepover for December so as we discussed I will go ahead and book a room if it's okay with you...sexy room! Love Peebs xoxo


Advice please before I lose my mind.I feel like calling the OW because he is lying through his teeth to her.

Jinxie

Gather more evidence, then confront him. Tell him to end it, if he does not the expose to EVERYONE! ANd read read read everything on this site

Just saw your other thread, you should stick to one thread. Why have you not exposed yet?

Exposing will surely kill this affair if you don't then you are enabling him to keep sleeping with other woman. Affairs thrive on secrecy so the longer you wait to expose the longer it will take to get your WH back. You choose.

p.s he is lying to BOTH of you, because he WANT'S both of you don't you get it? You and this so called "girlfriend" are meeting his needs he has the best of both worlds he will not end this affair until you expose it.

I was planning the expose and got admitted to the hospital very ill!

I'm so sorry hope you are feeling better that must have been hard to read that text from the OW. I would expose as soon as you can.

I am exposing tomorrow morning. First thing I just found OW's spousal info. Going to speak with all of my kids and my inlawas as well. In the meantime I just don't think I can even look at him. I am so sorry for the start of a new thread and will ask a mod to combine!

Thank you all for the support! I am not well and am still very ill and this is not helping. Selfish WS!

That is good news! Exposure should start from OWH.

Be strong and don't reveal your plans.

Okay I have began the process of exposing. I have talked with my children, one late last night the other two this morning. Now I need to contact OW's BS. I am going to call my in laws then later this morning.

WS has sent me a dozen texts now telling me how incredibly foolish that I am behaving in regards to this very old friend he hasn't seen or talked to in thirty years. I am blowing it way out of proportion. Nice to see how much I trust him on something so innocent, yeah right buddy. I refuse to respond to any of the texts. He has also called and left me voice mails telling me how it is a good thing he wasn't so judgemental through our marriage and problems or I never would have made it. How can I not realize how very much he loves me and understand that last weeks stuff was just a supposed set up!

Is he trying to gaslight me or am I losing my mind here?!

TIA

He is gas lighting you keep going girl, you are doing everything right, every WS acts that way when they know the affair is out there. I know it is hard but you will feel better once everyone knows.

OMG OW just sent this email to me!!!

I wanted to send you an email vs.calling you on the phone because I didn't think I could possibly put everything I wanted to say to you. I'd like to start by saying I'm sorry. I never meant to cause you any hurt and I'm sorry for the role I played in that, but I'd like to reassure you that there is a huge misunderstanding between you and I. Bobby and I reconnected on Facebook, as you probably know, and I can't begin to tell you how happy I was to hear from him. He is a very dear friend that I lost contact with for so many years. I was very happy to see he had married and had three beautiful sons. Bobby and I never really dated when we were young. We did spend a lot of time together and used each other to make our boy/girlfriends jealous or get out of a relationship if needed, but were never romantically involved ourselves. After we talked again, he persuaded me into flirting online with him because he was upset about you tracking his every move. I didn't think it was a good idea at the time, and I still don't think it was a good idea because it gave you the wrong impression of us. Then again, haven't talked to him in 30 years and he's asking a favor, I couldn't say no. I should've, as a wife, I know better. That's what I'm sorry for.

I can only assure you that I'm not interested in your husband, contrary to what you may have read or think. It's not true. I've been married 30 years and plan to keep it that way. The message about the hotel sounded really bad, I know. But I can explain that too. I plan to visit my parents in December and hoped to see Bobby during the visit. I actually would've liked to see all of you, but I can understand that I'm probably not welcome there. I had hoped maybe he could come down more towards Springfield, maybe see my mom and dad and because it's such a long drive, maybe sleepover and I offered to book a room for him. I would be staying with my parents at their home. I do not believe your husband has any romantic interest in me whatsoever. He never has. We've only been really good friends and that was a long time ago, but he's still very important to me as a friend and I'm hoping his stupid decision to play games and mine to go along hasn't ruined any chance of being friends in the future.

I'm asking your forgiveness, I know you don't owe me anything, but I'm really not a bad person and I don't think you are at all. Anyone that stole Bobby's heart is wonderful in my eyes. Your boys are beautiful and look just like their dad. Bobby has told me a lot about you and I want you to know I've had you in my prayers regarding your Cushings disease. I can only imagine what you go through with that. I pray for healing and strength for you and most importantly, compassion for forgiveness. I promise not to play his game with you any longer. If there's anything else I can do to make this better, please let me know.

Thanks,
P

You need to get to her H as quickly as possible. The email you have received is her last-ditch attempt to spin the affair into an 'innocent friendship' and set you up so that her H doesn't take you seriously. Make sure he knows all the facts. Make sure he knows about the email she just sent you. Ask him if he thinks it's normal for his wife to flirt with other men to "make their wives jealous." Tell him about the texts, and that you expect him to keep an eye on his WW to confirm NC between the two affairees.

If she beats you to him, he will be loyal to her and not want to believe you. Tell him you understand that. But DO NOT agree that it may be innocent. Do not allow them to gaslight you, or him.

Yeah...her email to you is bull. The message above is what really gives it away. A sleepover with your WH in a sexy room this is what they are planning not a get together where you are also invited as she claims in her email.
Go straight to her H and tell him the facts. Stay calm and just convey what you know.
Then continue to expose. From my experience on this forum these kind of A where both people are married are the ones easier to break because most likely neither of the A partners want to lose their M.
However, if unexposed, the A will go underground and the 2 might become so involved with one another as to end their respective M to be with eachother. So exposure to her H and to the world is the key here.
Also, just on the side, you WH is an idiot to get involved with a person who sends these kinds of messages (what is she 15?)
also another reason he is an idiot is the statement OW made below....which might not be true, however I am convinced she ran the email thru your WH before sending it to you ...so he agreed to whatever she put in it...again, making him a royal idiot.

Yes her email was a FAILED attempt to pretend that there was nothing really going on but in reality it was her last attempt to convince you NOT TO TELL HER HUSBAND. So what do you do??

TELL HER HUSBAND EVERYTHING!

X2

I am the queen of "spinning" things and this is definitely that.

If you are unsure, share the text and e-mail with her husband and let him decide. Surely if they were planning on traveling and meeting up with you guys she would have let him in on her plans???? Then when you are accused of ruining their lives you can just say you forwarded the information for a different perspective as you didn't want to "assume" anything.

Good luck

I loved this line sunnyD. I will use it myself when needed...

blessing

Wow! What a big steaming pile of crapola!!! This is 100% designed to throw you off track and prevent you from contacting her husband. It is gaslighting 101. Don't buy it for a second.

Immediately contact her husband and share all of your evidence with him.

Expose the OWH ASAP!

another email!

Jeanne,

I don't blame you for not believing me, after what I let him talk me into doing. Please don't read anything into my saying sweetheart or sweetie. I say that to EVERYONE. It's just who I am. Part of that is a southern thing and part of it my mother. She addressed everyone that way. Still does. Because texting is our only form of communication really, we have texted a lot. We had 30 years of catching up to do. Most of our converstations are about you, your boys, my family and what paths our lives have taken over the years. Bobby talks very fondly and lovingly of you. He has since day one. Mis-trust issues are the only issues he's mentioned to me and I'm sorry that this is not the first rodeo so to speak, but it's also not the second or however many. I have missed him, I don't deny saying that and I'm not gonna lie and say I don't love him, I do. But only as a friend. Really.

I can't apologize enough. I just want you to know you don't have to worry about me at all. My only intentions with your husband are honorable ones. We've never crossed that line in the past and certainly now that we're both married with famlilies, have no intentions of crossing it now. I feel horrible that our being re-connnected has caused strife in your family. Not how I wanted this to be. Your husband loves you very much. You're a lucky girl. Somehow, I think you know that.

I am a lawyer by training, so I am skilled at finding discrepancies in what people say. I have highlighted in OW's text to WH that which is not consistent with what she said in her e-mail to you:

1 more thing and your stalker girlfriend will leave you alone for the night. I want a sleepover for December so as we discussed I will go ahead and book a room if it's okay with you...sexy room! Love Peebs xoxo

Your WH knows he was caught and is now trying to damage control and is asking OW to assist him by sending the e-mail she did. The explanation she gave is something teenagers do, not grown adults. Continue your exposure using that text as your basis - share the text with everyone as your proof of the affair. When WH and OW try to explain it away with the ridiculous story OW gave in her e-mail, no one is going to believe them because it sounds so immature and ludicrous.

Jinxie, listen to us. Print that email and the other one. Put together some of the most damning texts. Give yourself FIVE MINUTES TOPS to do this. And the CALL HER BH WITH THIS!! YOU HAVE GOT TO EXPOSE THIS RIGHT NOW!!!

This is why the APS (affair partner spouse) should be told first. What a steaming pile o' crappola!
Yes, I smell the STRONG smell of gas.
Light a match and throw it under her a$$.

Call her husband IN PERSON. Send him a voice mail, text, email and billboard. You have nothing to hide or feel guilty about.
Just send the H his own wifes WORDS,,, you do not have to elaborate anything. (but I shure the hell would)

Not only do they think you are gullible, they obviously think that you are stupid, too.

I'm southern, too. I don't call married men "Sweetheart" or "Sweetie."

After that second e-mail, I am VERY sure OW is very concerned you will tell OWH and Lucy will have "lots of 'splainin to do." They are trying to convince you nothing is going on so you wont tell her husband. My XH and his OW pulled this on me - gaslighting me into believing nothing was going on and it was all my imagination, that they were just old friends who had reconnected on the internet. After I had solid proof of first an EA and, then, a PA, they tried to gaslight me into believing they ended it. Guess what? XH left me to go live in the country where OW lives. He claimed he was living at his Dad's house when he was actually living at the OW's house. When he finally moved back to the States, what did I find in stuff he had at my house? A videotape of him and the cow having sex. They really thought I was stupid!

I agree with Prisca....I have lived in the South for 20 plus years and do not know anyone who calls another person Sweetheart or Sweetie unless its someone with who they are romantically involved.

How does this woman THINK you are going to respond?

"Dear OW,
oh yes, please come to my home for a visit! I will make the bed fresh and place rose petals as a path from my front door to the bedroom for you! Only we both know >wink, wink< that this is all in jest and fun!
-- hugs and kissees, BS"

...ok, maybe you should not write that to her...

You have every right to get fired up over this. You are fighting for your family and way of life. Have you read about PA? You can fight for your M without becoming abusive. You need to not only play your cards, but become the one dealing the deck.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. But you have a tremendous ammount of power available to you now. Now -tap into it and use it.

And you are about to prove them wrong. You're also about to do something else if you expose this now: kill the affair DEAD. The OW has made it clear that she is worried that you will tell her H.

Expose, jinxie. This A will be dead by sundown.

Okay her BS now has everything and he is not a happy man. He is absolutely disgusted and apologizing to me............ omg Everything is bs otherwise there would be no hidden cell phone turned off so I don't hear the incoming text messages, massive inconsistencies everywhere............gag me she doesn't deny she loves my WS!!!!!!!! after 30 fricking years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I am so pissed right now!

Good for you!

I'm also southern, and while I do see some women call men that, I cringe when they are not old enough to be my mother. And I notice that not every woman does that.

I've also seen men call women "Honey" and seen the women cringe.

Did you speak with him directly Jinxie? I hope you did. That is the best way to handle this.

Be ready for your WH to blow his top and say all kinds of nasty things to you. He is gonna be ticked off! You have taken the crack away from the addict. This will eventually pass so please try not to let it get to you.

also take care of yourself. You are still recoverng and just had a tremendous emotional blow. You did a good job of counter attacking, so you SHOULD be exhausted. Be kind to yourself.

Do not engage in a fight with your H tonight. Leave a note and go to a family members house, the movies or shopping-- anywhere to stop the pressure to fight. He is a- goin ta be honked.

When you have thought this through and had time to plan, then engage your H.

Please tell us what happened - I'm not clear on her BS 'having everything.' Did you tell him about the texts and emails? Did you tell him they were planning to meet? Did you give him contact info for you so he can call you back if necessary?

Many BS's are in a state of shock after exposure. He may not have absorbed everything you told him. Please make sure he has a way to contact you. This serves two purposes: He can immediately call you if your WH contacts his wife. And he can call you back when he's calmer and more able to listen to your story.

Next: Now you can respond to OW's flaky, self-serving bullsh-- emails. Do not get into a conversation about what she was, or wasn't, doing with your H. Email her back and tell her this:

"If you are not yet aware, I have been in contact with your husband and have given him texts and emails that discloses your affair with my husband. You are to never contact me, my husband or any other member of my family again. I will immediately contact your husband if you do so."

Yes I spoke directly and he is absolutely stunned. I gave him my # and also copies of texts and the emails. I need a nap! My blood is boiling.

Good girl! Have you heard from your H yet? Make sure you email Little Miss Sweetie back and let her know that it's Game Over.

HANG ON TO THAT CELL PHONE!

Do not give it back to your husband.

You can get a SIM card reader -- and view the content of ALL of their texts for as long as he's had the phone!!

Jinxie, this is a really tough thing that you've just done. You need to rest - I forgot that you're recuperating.

Yep, your H will more than likely be fit to be tied. He'll blow himself out though. Your M can survive momentary anger, but it can't survive an ongoing affair.

If the two of you are able to talk relatively calmly tonight, I would suggest you do so. Let him know that you will not sit quietly by while another woman steps in and destroys your M.

He may spin this, call you vindictive, jealous, crazy - whatever. Stay calm. Let him know that you will do whatever it takes to save your M.

He may threaten to leave. He may actually leave. He'll eventually be back. Without OW on deck he has nowhere to go and no one to turn to. He may also threaten that you've dealt the death blow to your M because of your 'crazy' actions. Let him rant. YOU stay calm. (Easy for me to say, I know.)

You done good, jinx.

Yes, take a nap. You need to restore your energy and emotional balance.
I am warning you, there is going to be a tidal wave of gaslighting coming your way. sniff sniff sniff. Just keep your matches handy, and make sure you stand far enough away..

We are so very proud of you, not a lot of BS would do that so fast! You did make the right decision and you DESERVE a nap, especially just coming home from the hospital!

GREAT ADVICE!!

Yes I am in shock and awe but know that I caught a full blown ea headed straight for pa. I am going to sleep, he is already trying to call. Yesterday I bought a 2nd sim and made copies of the one so hehehehehehe I love to snoop and hes even complained to her of my snooping!!! Call me super sleuth!! I gave her bs some tips on keyloggers etc.

I'll tell you, jinx, I'd originally sort of written you off because I didn't think you had the stuff required to kill an affair. I don't waste too much time on spineless posters who try to deviate from the plan because they're afraid.

I apologize. I was wrong about you. I'm going to have to direct a couple of fence-sitting BS's over to your thread so they can see why exposure is so critical.

We are so happy, we get excited when a BS starts taking control and in charge of the affair, because we all know that you are on the right track on saving your marriage and making it WAY better with openness and honesty.

Man oh man I am so proud of me. Now I am going to do a 180 on his butt and put him in line. BS They have been on the phone with each other twice this morning already for a two calls at 38 and 28 minutes..........can we say covering our a$$e$?! Please...........

She is a spineless home wrecker who is still in love with the one that "got away" and how dare he share my personal life and our marriage with her!!!!!!!!!!!!Classic I tell you all, I couldn't have done it without you!!I do not care if she lives in Ga.

Thanks from the very bottom of my heart.

J

OMG the poops flying now. OW's BS has called me back the shock has apparently faded and he's confronted his wife of 30 years to the facts of her chasing the fish that got away!!! He has the texts I forwarded to him and emails as well as all of the chat logs!!!!!

I told him to let me know if I can help. I also gave him this web address.

Make sure you tell him not to share this website with his WW and you should not share with your WH either until the affair is 100% dead and you are in recovery.

Great job Jinxie! You've shown tremendous courage!!

Oh yes I did ask that he not share and he completely agrees. He thanked me but is not much of a pc user except for work emails. So he doesn't believe her bs story either.

I have backups of everything dating back from the beginning.

Excellent, excellent! Yep, tell him to come here and we'll help him. He needs to keep this from his WW, though. She doesn't need to know about this site right now.

Did he say how his WW responded?

WOW -- you did GREAT jinxie! Way to go!

So she was chasing your husband for 30 years? Sorry was a little confused

LOL NO he's the "one" that got away apparently. I have read all of their facebook chats and they are impressive I tell you. This is how the entire "setup" story originated. He didn't realize I'd find that so came up with that. They must think I am soft boiled egg in my brain.

I simply cannot get over OW's condescending tone along with the unmitigated gall! Oh he made me do this to you...gaslight....clearly they are wanting to keep contact and now I must be in top form for they will surely head underground!Hello, do I have idiot stamped here on my head or something?

Rigghhhhttt you two planned for me to intercept the hotel rendezvous info on the hidden phone. Yeah okay. Pardon me while I gag.........

My head is spinning...he just left a new message on the home answering machine...please call me to talk.... no thanks......

Jinxie,
You are doing great!

I just wanted to add, if there is anyone else to expose to, do it soon, today if possible, such as WH's parents, your parents, siblings, close friends/allies of the M.

Also I would copy a list of all of OW's FB friends and if there is any further contact between your WH and OW, I would start exposing this A to all of her FB friends. What a brazen OW! The nerve!

Hang in there!

Do NOT speak to your WH until you have completed your exposure! Very important! He will try anything/everything to get you off this path...

This is very true.

Great job, J! Keep up the exposure!

Jinxie, you are my sheroe. Exposure works like magic. I told EVERYONE. I blabbed to so many ppl that all of their co-workers knew about my DH and his x-other-skank. You are doing the right thing. Don't let him gaslight you. What you read is true. I wanted to believe my DH so badly when he told me it was only once because I thought he was such an honest guy. It took a lot of PI work for me to get the truth but I did. Make sure you get plenty of rest and support. You are in over drive right now but this is going to hit you really hard and you are going to feel a pain so great, you will want to lay down and die. Stay with MB and stand your ground and fight for your M.

No matter what OW tells you, no M woman should be calling herself a MM's girlfriend. Just be prepared because there is probably a whole lot more to their little nasty A.

My FWW referred to OM and I as "my two husbands".

Language like that is never appropriate in a marriage, and is a huge red flag. I knew it made me feel bad at the time without knowing why, but my boundaries were much worse than they are now... I thought "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" was a really good idea.

Jinxie, I just wanted to say that you are a SUPERSTAR.

You done goo girl.

WTG Jinxie on the exposure! Wow to get an extra SIm Card and copy the other one that's classic

D-Day Update

So yesterday afternoon my friend called and said come on over and spend the night so I packed a bag, grabbed my dog and split. I am thinking that today will be another rough one because my oldest boy is absolutely incensed by this. He had me forwards copies of texts as well as the emails OW has sent and is planning on having words with her, then his father! Today poo will fly. I am back home now, not answering the jackal, nor responding or engaging the OW!

His last text to me was this:

"Be real, you know how far they live from us, right?!"

I am not done yet, not by a long shot. I am going to continue to monitor the jackals every move til I am satisfied and decide where to go from here. I am emotionally and physically exhausted, I had to come home because some workmen are here today to do pre-planned work soooo...

Keep up the good work. Are you reading the website?

You must expose, but also create a positive LB account.
(This is not easy)

Be firm, but do not love bust him for payback.

Let exposure do it's job. You my friend are a ROCKSTAR.

Jinxie,
Great Job on exposure, let it take it's course........the fantasy of that relationship is going to burst out big time......
You are being very strong and are in the fight of your life.....
30 years in a long time and you deserve the respect you are now taking for yourself, I couldn't be more proud of you......
Remember the one thing that your husband and his OW forgot about was "YOU"
this was a mistake they might regret now.........
Remember your husband will only talk fog babble right now......don't fall for anything he says........
You tell him that you will not put up with him and his OW and that if he choses to stay in contact with her that he should move along with his life......
Tell him that you would be willing to work through the problems in the marriage but only when it's the two of you...........
Remember don't believe a word he says, his actions at this point are your only indicator........
Good Luck and post here for support.......great folks.......

Another attempt at gaslighting. "How far they live from us?" HE needs to get real. He's a plane ride away. That's not far at all.

You just sit back and watch the fireworks, sister. You're driving the bus now. It's all about YOU now. Rest and, like Scotty said, let exposure do its work.

Yes Exposure is now doing it's job. I've got a large pack of matches in one hand and a lighter in the other! What a complete jacka$$ that he is. As for the hag she makes my blood boil. I refuse to engage her, nor giver her any satisfaction.I notice she says "I have been married for 30 years and plan to keep it that way." Not I have been married for 30 years and love my husband dearly and plan to keep it that way. Huge, that is huge!

Normal people who catch up don't spend the amount of time they have, I am not buying any bs and neither is her BS apparently.

TIA

Jinxie

Yep, yep, and yep.

Lots of people with no boundaries use FB to hook up and eventually they find some old lover and fall back in love again...
This seems to be pretty common as "staying married till something better comes along".
All I can say is that both you WH and this OW are acting like they are in their early teens. The level of immaturity is shocking. I can say the same for the text messages and the behaviour my WH and OW had.
I am so glad you took action. Your WH will have to show you he is not the immature man he is now...I hope you will set the bar high.
Blessing

Normal people who catch up with a friend of the opposite sex do so only as a joint activity with their spouse. Or they don't do so at all.

Been there, done that, have the divorce to prove it...My XH said the same thing. She lives outside London, we live in Texas. She came here to see him while I was traveling on business, he left me and our then 18 month old son to go there and live with her for six months, returned here for sixth months and, then, two days after our divorce was final, left to live with her for 3 years. Even that great big pond known as the Atlantic Ocean didn't make a difference, so tell your WH he needs to "get real" about the damage he is doing.

The people who do that with their spouse present are not as many as the ones that do it without.
Even the most innocent people do chat with people of the opposite sex on FB and do not think much about it, or say: I completely trust my spouse....
It is a crazy world
Blessing

Markos,

I completely agree with you. I consider myself an open minded person. I could understand a brief hello, or simple email exchange with me being informed. This was secretive from the get go. It is clear to me that she has every intention of pursuing my WS, and is attempting to gaslight & manipulate me into thinking otherwise so that they may continue to remain in contact with my blessing. (Of course as "just friends")

The two of them conspired the entire "email" debacle via cell phone yesterday. Oh yes they chatted for 38 minutes at 7:38 a.m.. The first email came. Then after that apparently didn't get the response they were after another cell call at 10:21 a.m. for 28 minutes, and shortly there after email number 2 arrived in my inbox. That of course didn't get what they were after so then cell call number 3 was made with no further contact made by OW.

Her sanctimonious attitude is disgusting. She makes me ill. Southern women do not call men sweetheart or sweetie. No respectable married woman (Southern or otherwise) would involve themselves in any of the behaviors she has demonstrated and taken party to. Give me a break, I allowed WS to talk me into this!!!!!! Please.

Jinxie

Brit this was my point exactly. WS gets jealous when I speak with the dispatcher of his employer at times! He's got some nerve.

I admire your stength and I am so glad that you are not allowing your DH or the OW snow you. I remember finding a text early during my DH's A and him telling me the person sent it to the wrong phone. The text asked what are you wearing. I blew it off and the A continued for another six months. I blew so much off and allowed my DH to snow me. Looking back I realized that there were so many red flags that I should have started snooping. Continue with your efforts and ignore the hussy. They will deny it until the end. Something went on with her and your DH that was very inappropriate. That was an offer for s*x to your DH and Ray Charles could see that. It angers me that cheaters take our love for them and think that we are so clueless about their skanky behavior.

Jinxie you are doing great. Continue exposing.

Have you responded to OW emails at all? Don't give them any idea of what you are thinking or what your plans are. Do you think she sent you the emails because you told your H you were going to expose?

Silence is golden in this case and will drive them over the edge.

Blessings.

Hope absolutely no response to Miss Southern Woman! No way will I engage her in any way, nor give her any satisfaction. Ignore, ignore and more ignore.

Jinxie

Dang, jinx - you're my hero!

Man it is hard though cause I'd really go off. But that is what the wench wants. My blood is boiling hot and I am now steaming mad. My heart still hurts too. WS is such a sneak, and thinks my brains are scrambled I guess. really that was all they had after conspiring?!

Jinxie you are one smart and classy woman! This broad doesn't know what she's up against.

LOL you are right about that! But I owe it to all of you here. I couldn't get through this without all of the support, advice and kind words. Now I am working on some reading and the process of setting a plan in motion.

Clearly at this point WS is deep in the Fog. Alot of work to be done. I need to take some breathes and time. I am still not feeling all that well and have a big day with my specialist tomorrow.

Jinxie

[color:#FFCC33]Jinxie you are one smart and classy woman! This broad doesn't know what she's up against.[/color]

Amen! Maybe this will make the little sleezy slime woman think twice about becoming another MM's "girlfriend." The entitlement of these women amazes me. I HATE THEM!!!

JInxie,
You are doing very well, and remember when you get weak and feel bad that the big picture is the goal and everything in between is just the process.......
This board has saved many marriages with the process here, it takes time and it looks at times that it's not working but it does. Some good boundaries and communication and a loving relationship happens here, which is what all of us here are trying to get......
I know you are up for it, because I can see that the two of them have underestimated you in their thinking, I want to high five you for that strength......
We all know it's not easy and we are all here for you whenever you need some support or when you are doubting yourself......
I know I would not have made it without the help of the good people here, they support you, give you an [censored] kicking when you need it.......and they think for you when you can't yourself, they cover ever angle and that is exactly what we need.....
Right now your job is to breathe, rest up and don't worry about what the fog infested husband is doing right now.......
Let him feel the brunt of the exposure and let him feel what his decisions have done to his life........OW will be pissed as well with all the havic that is going on in her own marriage, watch how quickly it all falls apart........
sit tight, get your plan together.........((((hugs))))))

My H had an A with someone who lived in another state, that doesn't matter one bit. She flew to L.A. from Phoenix and got a HOtel (get it?) room and then let a MM bang her and leave to go home to his WIFE. OW are desperate creatures who will do anything, including selling their souls, for their AP. It's truly sickening but I digress.

Great job on exposure. Here is what you say when anyone questions your motives:

"I'm sorry you feel that way. I love my husband and family and need to do this in order to end the A so my husband and I can fix what is wrong. I have been professionally advised to expose this to everyone and anyone who might be able to help us. Affairs thrive in secrecy. Once they are out in the open they aren't so fun anymore".

To their extreme dismay, they found out they were the ones who were boiled.

You are doing SO GOOD! Job for today: finish any remaining exposure, and rest.

Job for tomorrow: start mapping out your Plan A for "the jackal". (Which, although that is very true, will be easier once you stop calling him a jackal, lol.)

Just a random note on "honey", "sweetie", etc. The area where I live, though not in south, it's very common for both genders to call both genders honey and sweetie, especially in the stores. I've been called honey by more men than I could shake a stick at, and NOT ONE of them ever offered to get me a sexy motel room. Not one! Not even to "help" them with their controlling wives.

Bravo for not falling for that load of stink-o. If WH/OW ever decided to build a life-size model of the Great Wall of China out of manure, they'd have enough with plenty left over.

I call people sweetie all the time. They call me sweetie, too.


I, too, haven't gotten anyone a sexy...anything...excepy my HUSBAND.


When I looked at your first text, then her emails, I wanted to do an analysis to let you know what part was crap.

It's all crap.

She is making a huge effort to set this up to look as innocent as she can because she knows her husband is going to be pretty PO'd. She saw that one coming, and hoped to fix it by making you look stupid. Didn't work, because her BH and YOU are both pretty smart.

Your WH and his OW are slow on the uptake. They have been royally busted, and have not figured out there will be no take-home prize for them.

You need to get a keylogger installed, so you can find out if he has any hidden email accounts.

Also, there are ways to dump deleted emails from his computer, and I would do that if I were you.

He will not admit this and give you the full run-down unless you have it all on display.

Read up on Plan A, and do your best. He will not know how to handle it.

My wxh also had an ongoing affair after we moved with monkeyho, a woman from my hometown. That didn't stop em either.

Imho, what in the twisted fogged minds of the ws and the op, is a truly wierd daydream. The superevil ow monkeyho, actually told me once, that she had hoped that I had never found out, so that my H and I would have simply divorced, and that afterwards he would simply announce he had met somebody and begun dating her (monkeyho) and that if things had gone down that way, everybody would have been happy and I might have even been her friend.

Yea, the crazy waywards think like that. Meanwhile get your PI to do recon when the ow is in the country. You can't get info if she's in china.

It seems crazy now, but stick to the plan here, find out the real truth, and then when you have all the info expose and give him the sharp end of the stick of the carrot and of plan a. And big time stick it to the ow!

That's an extremely common sentiment among waywards. It was the same thing that OM and my wife were planning; she wanted me to be "friends" with the OM so that after the divorce, she could say that she and OM became close afterward and, he wasn't a cause of the divorce, and since he was such a good friend, they got married. Thus she could have her lover and her husband both; I would provide the financial support she and OM both required, and he'd provide the conversation she so craved.

It was the same procedure my stepbrother followed. He was having an affair, used it as a justification to divorce with four kids while hiding it from his wife. Made his own life such a living hell that a month and a half ago he shot himself in the head to escape it.

It was the same pattern my mother followed in her affair with my stepfather. Although my Dad knew the full extent of the affair, he kept it secret from all but their religious leaders who, in turn, kept it secret themselves. They tried to keep it secret from me and introduce my eventual stepfather as a good guy and a friend to me, though I knew too much to not see through it at the time. Even my mother's closest friends believed her affair partner was someone she met and married after the divorce. In fact, one friend who believed herself my mother's closest confidant was surprised to learn of the affair from a conversation with me just one year ago... when the affair happened twenty years ago.

It's the kind of crazy scam most waywards find themselves trying to perpetuate.

After being dumped, the OW expressed the hope that someday I would be comfortable enough for us all to be friends.

OW's are so funny!

Ditto.rotflmao Neak.

And fwiw, I'm a southern gal who does have a few male friends but knows and respects (and encourages) marriage.

But I don't call my friends baby or darlin' or sugar or any of that. More like "hey bud".

That ow really did try a spin that was unsuccessful and your wisdom really shone through. Keep shining your light of truth! Eventually your ws will walk away from her stupid fog.

jinx, how are things going?

Hi Everyone,

Whew, it has been 2 weeks of sheer utter emotional and physical heck! On Thurs. night 11/05/10 WS came home and the crap hit the fan huge! We had a major confrontation and argued, fought and discussed the situation with OW. State of our marriage. ("old friend" of more than 30 years) It was long and emotionally draining experience like none other.

Of course his end was nothing more than marital history rewriting, blame shifting, manipulating b.s.! I didn't buy into one word of it. I asked him if he's yet agreed to NC and of course not. They are texting like freaking mad, chatting it up on facebook...makes me wanna puke all over again!

I got no sleep that night and had to get up at 5:00 a.m. drive into Madison, 1 3/4 hours the next morning to see my specialist as I have a rare & life threatening disease I've been battling for quite some years now. The dr.'s are extremely concerned and admitted me for the weekend. WS picked me up and brought me home yesterday.His employer offered him a trip that will require he be gone for this week until Sat. and he took it. He left yesterday and has called me now 50 times already. I know that he senses that he has really done it this time and although he is terrified of losing me he is so in the fog that he simply hasn't pulled back. Exposure is doing some help though.It does make me ill even thinking about it because all the logs I have been reading this OW is certainly one smooth, manipulative predator on the prowl and definitely wants my ws.

Today I am to rest a lot, keep myself hydrated and start working out a solid plan a.

Thank you all so much!

Jinxie

Sorry about your health sitch and hope you are feeling better soon Jinxie.

You need to call OWH and re-expose since you have proof of their continued contact. He may or may not know about it so you should re-expose to him asap. It also gives you a chance to find out what he is doing on his end to help kill the affair.

Hi Jinxie,
Sorry about your night of emotional upset......especially being sick I can relate I also have been having a hard time with my health and yes my husband actually had an affair while I was on a chemo drug......It's like a big punch in the stomach, I'm sick and he is out there falling in love........makes me sick to my stomach to think about it now.......
I would go No Contact with your husband, and take care of your health, he needs to decide which one it is.......he is still in contact with OW and doesn't seem to get it yet, lay the law down, make him feel what it will be to lose you.......
Don't answer his texts or phone calls, tell him that it is just to hurtful for you.....
Tell him you have to put your health first and that he is just adding to your problems by upsetting you...

With your health problems, you need to do an incredibly short Plan A, if at all. Only do what you can, and protect your health first.

You may be able to meet some of his top EN's without overtaxing yourself. For example, have you told him how much you appreciated him picking you up?

Find nice things to say to him, even if you have to go into the past to get them.

And yes, tell OWH they are still having C all over the place. "Old friends" don't risk their marriages to stay "old friends", and I think he knows that.

Remember too that Dr. Harley doesn't advise women do a Plan A for very long anyway. Give him a few weeks to see what an amazing woman you are, then go to a dark Plan B. Be sure to have your legal ducks in a row first, though! I believe the courts will take a dim view of his alienation of affection while you're struggling with a life-threatening illness.

Hi, yes I was reading up while in the hospital. I had my laptop and spent alot of time reading here on Plans A & B, ordered a few of the books here and also read up on all the great articles! I also agree that Plan A will be a short one and then take it from there.

I did tell him how much that I appreciated him taking the time to pick me up from the hospital and then run out to fill my RX's and grocery shop for me. On Sat. night he rented a movie, made some popcorn and wanted to snuggle with me. Although I did appreciate the effort & sentiment I am finding physical intimacy incredibly difficult at this time knowing he is still continuing contact with OW. (I informed her BH this morning & he was already aware)

Jinxie

What do his parents say about all this? Are they supportive of you?

threadjack/

Jinxie, I think you said you have Cushing's? I have a great endo (I know it's far from you but if you get desperate a trip out there to see him might be worth it, Cushing's is hard to treat) ~ his website is www.goodhormonehealth.com. He's fantastic.

/threadjack

You are doing great, good job on Plan A and exposure!

Just because you are in Plan A doesn't mean that you have to accept this. Tell him it is incredibly cruel and heartless for him to carry on communications with OW in the home and that he will need to leave the house if he wants to communicate with her.

In addition, I agree with Neak about keeping the Plan A VERY SHORT. This blatant flaunting of his A is incredibly abusive and due to your health condition, I don't think the regular 3-week Plan A applies. Start Planning it now. Do you know who you would want for an IM? I will link you a good Plan B thread, it has several sample PBletters.

Hang in there, Jinxie!

Preparing for Plan B

Hi All,

An update as I was ill and once again the lovely status of inpatient on the immediate care ward. My Dr. is seriously concerned with my emotional health and the impact it is having on the physical end due to WS's EA which is still ongoing. So Plan A has failed miserably.

Today I informed him that I feel it is time that we either separate or I file for "D'. Maybe that was idiotic of me. In any case I get a 77 minute phone call from him. He then proceeds to explain that he isn't doing anything wrong. They have never, ever been sexual or romantic. They are the very most dearest and oldest friends in the whole world. Yes, he has been slightly selfish he then tells me. But he has not tried to hide or cover anything up. He spends every spare moment while at home on facebook chatting it up with her, and while out of town for work 50-70 minute phone conversations at night and texting sometimes 118 in 3 hours.Last week he wished me good night and at the minute he hung up with me picked up the cell and spent the night talking with her. Well they have so much catching up to do. He feels I am totally unjustified in what I am doing and have invaded his privacy. Basically I am in the wrong here.

Exposure hasn't done anything for me unfortunately. The OW's BH knows and she is planning to leave him and guess what move closer to our direction! Lovely. I can barf at the thought. I have been up all night crying my eyes out just not knowing which direction to go in. I need a very serious neurosurgery on De. 22nd. I do not have anyone else to physically help me through this. God I am really scrwed. I would really like to proceed with separating until he ends it. If not we are done. This marriage is to crowded.

He told me he is starved for friendship. She is an electronic friend and it is all harmless.

Okay everyone I have been reading all of the plan b threads and anything else I can get my hands on. Now I just need a little advice on my particular issues on implementing a plan b successfully! TIA so much!
Good grief.

What ages are your kids, Jinxie?

Do you have a separate source of income?

Will your H continue to support you without a legal separation agreement?

Who can you ask to arrange pickups and drop offs with your kids when they see WH? (They won't need these if they are older).

Who can you use as an intermediary to pass urgent messages between you, and to screen non-important messages that your H tries to send you??

I am a little confused about your post. I understand that you want to implement Plan B, I just feel as though you are asking for a different way to do it. Fortunately, there is only one way to do Plan B properly and that is with total and complete darkness. What help do you need in that direction? Do you have a letter drafted? Are you emotionally prepared to do this?

Jinxie, this has gone on long enough. Your WH is gaslighting you. To-wit:







Gas-lighting can become emotionally debilitating, even for the physically/emotionally strongest among us. We start to question our sanity. We start to crumble under the skewed logic that the WS is spouting. We start to question our gut (never a good idea.)

Oh, sure, it's normal to spend entire evenings on FB with another woman. Oh, sure, it's normal to be texting another man's wife 118 times in 3 hours. Oh, sure, it's normal to hear that your M is crumbling because you just...can't...seem...to...break...it...off. With your dear friend.

The bottom line is this: if your H is indulging in behaviors that are negatively affecting your M, he needs to stop. He has chosen not to do this. What those behaviors are is immaterial. The fact that they are the 'dearest friends in the world' is immaterial. So is the rest of the tripe that he has trotted out to excuse this horrible behavior. He has chosen not to stop.

His 77 minute phone call shows that you are supplying a wealth of his EN's. That needs to stop now. He needs a strong cup of reality.

I would suggest Plan B at this point, mainly for your own health, but also as a way of removing those critical needs that you are supplying to him.

Hi All,

Yes I agree whole heartedly that it needs to stop. My children are all grown and flown the coop. At this time they live out of state. Both of my parents are gone. I have very little next to no other support means at this time. I am in need of a very serious neurosurgery on Dec. 22nd. I want him to leave but he will not. He says no one's going anywhere. Why would I stay married to you if I wasn't in love with you, yadda yadda...What you have said above is 100% correct and I know it and accept it.

I do not know how on earth I will get through this damned surgery and recovery any other freaking way! I am between a rock and very hard place.

He is out of town on business still and I am refusing to speak to him. I will not answer any more of his text messages nor his phone calls. I am working on a letter, and have torn it up 4 different times now. He says that I am behaving like a jealous and insecure wife which is B.S.!

Yes this past few weeks while inpatient again he got me good. I truly have been questioning my sanity. It is a horrible feeling. The last text he sent to me after the phone call was that what I am doing is absolutely unjustified. They are very old friends who were never romantic. They even had overnights. Blah!

I guess a little direction or advice would be helpful. TIA

I would just simply say to him that his friendship if that is what it is has to stop if he wants to continue the marriage.....
You tell him that you don't want to continue if he choses to continue that relationship with the OW, tell him that it is wrong to have a friendship when it hurts you. If he won't then make him leave the house the marriage until he can decide which one is more important to have in his life, that friendship or you.
I would expose to everyone with the phone call evidence so they can decide if they think it suspicious or not, my guess your grown children would see it your way as well........
Remember everything your husband tells you or says to you is Affair Fog Babble, he will lie to cover up what he is doing and you know he will make decisions that aren't in your best interest.............
Time to take a stand and let the chips fall where they may, is the OW married? Contact her husband and family.

How ridiculous.

Tell your husband that this "friendship" is jeapordizing his marriage. It is so harmful that he must end it completely.

Would he put up this much of a fuss if his "friend" was named Joe or Bob? Would he be acting this ridiculous? Would he be texting and calling incessantly?

Don't put up with it.

Let's move some reality around for a minute, okay? Let's say your wayward was already out of your life. And everything else remains the same.

Now. You've got to have the surgery. How will you be able to do this? Think.

Yesterday during that 77 minute phone call I did let him know that either the friendship with her ends or our M does. It was a very hurtful conversation. Later on in the day he continued to bombard me with texts regarding MY UNJUSTIFIED BEHAVIOR AND WHAT I AM DOING SNOOPING AND PRIVACY ETC. SO VERY WRONG. I sent him one final text saying that I had made my position clear and until he is ready to follow through and commit we have nothing else to discuss.

Now today he is again bombarding me with texts. The first one, good morning princess, 2nd I love you and miss you really very much whether or not you believe it, 3rd I changed my Facebook profile and set it to married and put a pic of you on the page, have you seen or looked at it yet? 4th I don't understand you can you quit behaving like a teenage daughter and act like my wife!

I am not responding to anything. I have decided to get this letter done and firm requirements in place before he returns home. I am moving from the master bedroom to the lower level 3rd bedroom which I just redecorated and made beautiful where I will be comfy. We will be leading and living separate lives period. I will do NOTHING for him.

@Jinxie -

This is your home. You are the Queen of it. Moving to the lower level is not where the Queen sleeps. She sleeps in her Royal Chambers. You do not get banished from your kingdom.

1st, 2nd, 3rd txts indicate kissing aff. The last indicates its all your fault. Pure projection on his part. Who is the one acting like a teenager?

Remove the affair phone when he is sleeping and flush it down the toilet or take a shower with it. Take a hammer to it. No Affair in your kingdom.

He is attempting to appease you so you'll shut up and let him continue on his merry way. So WHAT if he put a married status on his FB?? OW already knows he's married! That proves nothing.
Keep going.

I would most certainly NOT do this. Moving in the basement of your house while he lives there is what Dr Harley calls "PLAN C" which is most likely to lead to divorce. A better plan is to separate and go into PLAN B.

Have you personally spoken to the OW's H? And to whom else has the affair been exposed?


I would ask him to move out and get separated so you CAN go into Plan B. Once he moves out you THEN give him a Plan B letter. The Plan B letter is outlined in the book SAA. I would also ask someone to be your intermediary who can be neutral. Do you have someone who can play that role?

Never mind, I see you did tell the OWH. Good job!

Now, just carefully plan to go into Plan B. Get him moved out!

Dear Jinxie ~

Your H finally has you EXACTLY where HE wants you!
It is "Official"!
YOU HAVE BEEN GAS-LIGHTED!
HE WINS! Or ~ ~ ~ DOES HE?!?

In order for a person to be successfully "Gas-Lighted", they MUST be 100% Completely Worn Down to the point that the person they "once were" NO LONGER exists!


You ARE there, Sweetheart!
Physically ~ Emotionally ~ Mentally!!!!!!!!!
I hope you will "choose" to NOT stay there...

Now, what "YOU" CAN & NEED to do to come out from under H's EVIL "Spell" is LISTEN to the MB Pros! Then "YOU" CAN & NEED to DO what they say!!!!!

Because I'm a "Newbie", this is where I must take a backseat in order for the "MB Veterans" to step in! There MUST be a way for you to get back to "Rational Thinkin'"! I do NOT for one second believe it is too late for the "Real Jinxie" to come back to the land of "Rational Livin'"!

Before I go, I have made a couple of observations:

Regarding:

Quote

I am moving from the master bedroom to the lower level 3rd bedroom which I just redecorated and made beautiful where I will be comfy.

Why would you move out of YOUR bedroom?!?
Okay! So the

Quote

lower level 3rd bedroom which I just redecorated and made beautiful where I will be comfy

. . . is available?!?

IMO you will simply be validating to your H that his perception of you as HIS "Weak Little Wifey" is 100% correct!

Oh, My Gosh, Jinxie! Why do you want to "enable" your H in his ARROGANCE?!?
Do you really think this is going to cause H to see you as the strong person you REALLY are?
Please say:


I have an idea!

Would you "consider" relocating ALL of H's belongings ~ AND I MEAN "ALL OF H'S BELONGINGS" to

Quote

. . . the lower level 3rd bedroom which I just redecorated and made beautiful where HE! will be comfy . . .

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
God Bless ~

I just caught this. This won't do. You don't move out of your bedroom - WH does! AND the house. You need to go Plan B. I am very concerned that you think you need to have him with you, that you need him after surgery and maybe he'll see the light during all that.

You have not answered me, Jinxie - what if your H was nowhere in the picture. How would you handle your surgery?

Ahaaaaa!

Just read CK,MB's posts!!!!!

Forget moving H into the 3rd BR!!!!!

It's TIME for H to be GONE!

I really like CK's post! YOU ARE THE QUEEN OF YOUR HOME! Nobody, but NOBODY displaces your rightful place in YOUR home...

God bless ~

I have been pondering on this question all day. My children are far from me. They all know and are absolutely infuriated with WS, and have confronted him on his behavior and affair.

Yes I agree I am so worn down. I am an emotional wreck, terrified of upcoming dangerous 7-9 hour neurosurgery. Afraid what will happen once home. So I called my insurance company today to inquire on home nursing care after wards. I also called my best friend of 17 years who is also currently in M hell with an alcoholic H to see if she can be of some assistance.

Last time I asked WS to leave he firmly put his foot down and said NO.He says you want a separation, fine then leave. My lawyer says I can do nothing about it unless I file for a divorce and request and emergency hearing. No guarantee it will go anywhere due to community property state etc. While I was in the hospital he moved back in to my master bedroom from the den where I had banished him to.

I do see what is going on. He lays it on thick, master manipulator. All the lovey, dovey gooey b.s. and piles it as high as the sky. Then once he doesn't get his way he starts to become angry and resentful towards me. When I saw that text about the stupid facebook "married" setting I felt like shoving his phone where the sun doesn't shine.

OW's BH is absolutely stunned. And he actually found out through me ahead of time what she was planning to do in terms of leaving and divorcing him.

Here's just a little fb chat sample:

OW trying to get H out the door
OW to work
WS ahhhh i c
OW Can't find anything without me.
WS ur wonder woman thats why
OW gonna be in a world of hurt I know that.
OW Never know what ya have...
WS this is true
WS then poof its gone
OW some men are smarter than others.
WS thats when reality sets in
OW Yeah. Hating that for him
WS r u trying 2 tell me something peebs spit it out
OW nope :-)
OW u gonna pull another disappearing act
WS who me never
OW I miss ur voice haven't talked to you for 3 days now
WS youve always been high maintence
OW Yeah, only the real men get that though.
OW Up for the challenge?
WS course
OW you on the road tomorrow?
WS tonite early
OW NEVER EVER PAIN
OW I'm all about the love.
WS :-)
OW We have a friend who is a hugh Giants fan. Always hitting on me
OW Hate it
WS i dont beleive that 4 a second u always loved the attention
OW only from you
WS I gotta go and get my haircut
OW ttyl I love you
WS love ya

This is normal "friendship" bantering conversation?! I think not! I feel like sending him just one text that reads: Quit pissing on my boots and telling me it's raining.

By the way thank you all so very much from the bottom of my heart. I could look into an apartment for me but really hate leaving my home when surgery is up in 20 days coming at me fast! My big sister said I can come and stay with her after wards but she lives 3 hours away from me.

I really was in deep need of a slap to wake me out of my emotionally warped sense of self, and state of mind.

Jinxie

Please, Jinxie. Allow me: Pa-Yuke. Oh, yeah, I talk to all of my friends like that.

No he doesn't win. My lawyer did say that I cannot force him to leave unless he beats on me or abuses me. No happening. However I can move his a$$ back to the den and change the locks on the doors so that he cannot have any access. Anybody else with a situation like this?! My family are all very far from me. All my health care is with specialists who treat this disease who are very few and far between.

I really am hating the fact that I am still in love with this jerk right now. It would be so much easier.

Jinxie

Oh my Clark how I would love to kill that dang phone. Unfortunately it is also a "work" phone and although we pay the bills his employer does reimburse.

You are right on!

Jinxie

I would pack up everything he has move in to the den, change all the locks, block him on EVERYTHING email, phone, FB, etc...give him the plan B letter and STAY DARK DARK DARK!!!

ok..............? So what is the PLAN? You get this far and then changed subject. What NEXT? What is the plan to get him out?

Sapphire,

I have been working at calming myself down today and getting a grasp on the emotional tidal wave that I'm riding. I hate the fact that as pissed off and devastated as I am I still love him so much. I am putting a plan together that is doable in terms of my health and well being before and after the surgery. I am keeping him out of it. I sat down and took time to rationalize with myself and begin a list.

I have the locksmith coming tomorrow. Before he gets home I am going to screw up the internet. I have my neighbor's son coming to help me get him and all his crap out of my master room and bath. If the den doesn't suit him let him take the damned spare room. If he wants internet access he will have to leave the house and go to a library. We don't have internet/email on our cell plan. Interestingly enough he tried to pull that one on me last week too, about how convenient it would be to have email and all that crap on the cell.

I have not spoken to him today. I have not returned either his calls or his text messages. I am going to put the focus on to myself. Taking care of me so that I will be a healthy person and do well in the next few weeks. After the surgery if he will not leave then I will until my lawyer can work something out.

I am debating on a letter to explain stuff to him when he gets home. I do not want a fight, argument or any confrontation from him. I also ordered myself some books from borders. SAA, and Not Just Friends and one library request His Needs, Her Needs.

Jinxie

Of course you can force him to leave. You are not forced by the laws of this land to live with an abuser - people split up every day in this country. You tell that attorney to move his [censored] and get him out or get a new attorney. He should be filing for divorce and getting him OUT.

But, I have a feeling you are going to use this an excuse to do nothing. I don't get the sense this is going to anywhere.

This is not a Marriage Builders plan and is likely to lead to divorce. Putting his stuff in the basement is dramatic and all, but absolutely useless in terms of ever recovering your marriage. Dr Harley calls this Plan "C"/.

What is the purpose of changing the locks if he lives in the same house?

Jinxie, is the plan to keep him in the house but punish him until after the surgery? How come you can't possibly get him NOW but you can in a few weeks? I don't understand the difference unless the goal is really not to get him out?

Because I am just telling you that giving him the cold shoulder is not a plan. Dr Harley calls that Plan C for compromise and it is the most likely to lead to divorce because it erodes the love in your marriage faster than anything.

I know it varies from state to state, and I'm British so what the heck do I know about your state laws,

but I have read here that if your H's name is on the property deeds, he has the right to enter the home. He can call the police, and they will not object to his breaking the locks.

Don't waste your money on a locksmith if you haven't checked your legal rights in this area.

If your H had moved out, but still exercised his rights to enter your home, that might be a different matter. Changing the locks might be effective in that situation. Where he refuses to go, however, you might not be able to keep him out of his home without a legal ruling.

Take MelodyLane's advice and talk to your lawyer about getting this abuser COURT ORDERED from your home. You are not forced to share your home with an abuser.

But see, the goal is not even to lock him out of the house, but to force him to sleep in the den:

My concern is that you are keeping him around to help you with your surgery as a way of solving your problem of aftercare, as well as hoping that his caregiving will inspire him to stay with you. It's why I was encouraging you to figure out how you would recuperate without him.

I think you would be better off finding another caregiver and getting an attorney who's got a little bulldog in him to get this thing going.

Plan B, Jinxie. You can accomplish this before surgery.

I agree with MB. I am horrified at the thought of you dealing with all this while recuperating from surgery. How could that not wear you down emotionally and physically?

Hire a nurse, 24 hours per day, to assist you after surgery.

In the meantime, hire a lawyer and file whatever is needed to get him out of the house.

Jinxie. He needs to see the CONSEQUENCES of choosing his "friendship" over his marriage.

No I am changing the lock to my room. Next my friend will pick me up and bring from the hospital after a few days. After my 2 week post-op I can go to my sister's home which is 3 1/2 hours away until my next post-op which will be 4 weeks after. No I don't want to rely on him for anything what so ever. I live in an 50/50 property state. My best friend works for the top D lawayer for our area. Not much that I can do if he will not leave. He is not a abuser other than the A which doesn't qualify to get him out. I have been dealing with this all day on phones. I will have 2 weeks from my insurance provider of home nursing care.

This is no game for me. No I am not using a surgery or illness for his sympathy, give me a break. I don't think you understand the severity of my illness. This will be neurosurgery # 9 and I have come pretty damned close to death on 3 different occasions already. Here at the very least I have the support of my best friend, my neighbors and church. I also have the doctors who have cared for me for the past 6 years and understand the illness that I have which is very rare and complicated. I require 15 different meds per day, 2 injections which require assistance.

Adultery is worse abuse than physical assault or rape. We are telling you there is ALOT you can do to get him out of your house. File for divorce. TELL the lawyer to file a motion to get your H ejected. People do it here all the time. THEN go into a dark Plan B. Since you are going to be dealing with your illness, you need him out. You can do this. <------that is where I would focus. Changing the lock on your bedroom will achieve absolutely nothing.

Your H doesn't believe you will do anything to stop him and so far he has been right.

@Jinxie -

Oh the company reimburses company expenses. That's is very generous of them. Do they reimburse for useage by WS and OW. An idea.

Break the Affair.

Removal of internet is nice. How about canceling cell phone? Do you need to continue to snoop? If not blow up cell phone.

I live in a "no fault" divorce state. My state has the absolute worst system on this issue. I know I have friends who have been through it. Yes I can file for the D. Which I fully intend to do. However I then have to wait for my atty. to then file an order of emergency to get him out and in this state and the county that I live in will not be an easy feat.

The sooner you start the process, the faster he will be out. We have had many BS's - even in no-fault states - who have done this.

She already said that the phone is a work phone. I don't think it would be wise for Jinxie to "blow up" their property.

This sounds horrendous. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.

What would this accomplish? Nothing. He would view this as drama on your part.

Okay, you've got your post-op plan. Go to your sister's house. Plan B him from there. I would prefer to see you stay in your own home without your wayward. PLEASE make arrangements for this if you can.

Have you thought about getting all of your WH's PERSONAL items packed up by the front door and ASKING him to leave? My WH has equal rights to my house. Almost one year ago, I packed up his things and put them on a porch. I had the Plan B letter on top. I wasn't even sure that he would leave. It took 30 minutes of talking and I think that the shock of it all happening unexpectedly made him go. I don't think he full realized what happened for quite some time. I asked for my keys back. I am sure that he could have come back at any time, he just never has.

If you make a compelling argument for why he should leave you the way you are asking, he might just go. You should also have a backup plan in case this one doesn't work. You should do it as quickly as possible.

i think jinxie is in a sucky situation, BUT i'd really like to see a judge evict a man from his own home when there's been NO physical abuse...none whatsoever...when the day comes, that a man can be evicted from his own home for no logical reason, will be the day this country sinks to a new low...

the guy never had a physical affair...the OW lives States away and you want a judge to evict a guy over talking to another woman...please God don't tell me a judge will evict a guy over this!

don't waste your time and money jinxie trying to get a judge to evict your husband over an EA...oh a lawyer will do whatever you ask of him as he sucks your bank account dry...i believe there's more you can do from within the marriage to right the ship...

Well, there is a logical reason, it is called DIVORCE. See, in this country called America, when you don't want to be married anymore, you don't have to be married anymore. When one party files a divorce, a separation agreement is drawn up and the couple is separated. When you don't want to be married anymore, that means someone has to move, right? When one partner is committing emotional abuse, ie: adultery, it is much easier to get the offending spouse to agree to move out lest the divorce get all messy.

There are no guarantees, but we have many BS's who have got their WS's moved out this way. But if she does nothing, she is guaranteed absolutely nothing.

So no, mranderson, it would not be a waste of time and money to file for divorce. She needs to get divorced if her H will not end his affairs.


And there is not "more she can do from within the marriage to right the ship." She should be going into PLAN B, just like Dr Harley says.

LOL...no sh*t melody...I know what a Divorce is...and Jinxie is right...i have two lawyer friends who say the same thing as Jinxie's friend who works for a lawyer says...unless there's PHYSICAL ABUSE, a judge can't evict the man...and a "emotional affair" doesn't qualify as "abuse" in the eyes of the court...sorry...

yes, she can file for a divorce and try and workout a separation agreement, but like you said...if he contests the agreement it's going to be costly and get messy...does she really want this to get messy.

it's been a month since Jinxie first posted...in what way has she Plan A'd her husband? Has she fully exposed the affair and has the exposure had time to work yet?

now, she could file for a divorce and he has an allotted amount of time to answer the petition or the petition dies...that could be enough to motivate him...but unless she's ready to officially end her marriage and follow through on a divorce to its end, she should continue her Plan A...

Jinxie knows her situation better than any of us...she knows her husband and how he may react...she should know what her options are and plan accordingly...

Sugarcane it is beyond horrendous. Sometimes people in my very own family and friends don't get the severity of it. I am speaking of life and death.


He will be coming home sometime late tonite or tomorrow early a.m. Apparently my oldest boy had quite a conversation with his father last night. WS may now beginning to see the seriousness of this situation. Doesn't mean anything to me until I see action. Firmly. I really do not want to live with him at this time. In my heart I think that the only thing that will do is at the very least a legal separation or filing for divorce.

Once I am at a safe post-op point I can go to my sisters home. My two oldest boys are going to take some time off of work to come and be with me pre and post surgery. I am so grateful to have them as they can deal with their father.


Scot I have tried this on two different occasion and it did not work. He is a very stubborn man who will not leave the home that he built with his own hands, sweat and tears. Our dream home.


MrA yes this was what I was trying to explain yesterday. This county is horrible in it's views on these types of situations, unfortunately. Depends largely on the judge also. I have done everything I possibly can from within the M. He is so fogged, infatuated, obsessed and selfish right now. He did cry on the phone with my son last night about the mess he's created. It is all moot point til he acts to make it right.

He will only be home until Sun. evening at best in any case. I just need to deter mine what to do for these next few days right now and wait to hear from my lawyer.

mranderson, do you know much about Marriage Builders? Jinxie has now been in Plan A for a month. This is her H's second affair - that she knows of. How long would Marriage Builders prescribe she stay in Plan A?

If you are giving newcomers advice here, that is a simple basic question to which you should know the answer. Keep in mind that this poster is here to find out about Marriage Builders, not our personal opinions.

Jinxie, that sounds like a great plan. But please get with your attorney and get the divorce ball rolling. I predict that is the only thing that will wake your H up, if anything can. Since this is his 2nd <?> affair he obviously does not believe you will do anything to stop him. You can't go wrong if you file for divorce. If he straightens up, your marriage might have a chance and you can drop the divorce. If not, then you will be divorced and better off without him.

That being said, I would wait on delivering the Plan B letter until you can effect the separation by either a) getting him out or b) moving out yourself. When you hand him the letter, you must be able to back it up with action. If he is still there, you obviously cannot go into Plan B.

since you've exposed the affair, let the exposure do its job...your kids knowing about what their dad has done to their mother, especially in regard to your medical issues is huge...parents, friends of your marriage...a pastor...all need to know about this and if they care about your marriage, they'll work on him and his conscience and he could see the light come around and end the affair.

i look at a filing a divorce like pulling a gun on someone...if you pull a gun on someone without the heart to actually pull the trigger if need be, then you could end up in a bad situation, by simply trying to scare someone...

if you're truly done with the marriage...truly done, then file for a divorce and get on with your life and taking care of your health and have no regrets...

but if there's any spark in you to want to save your marriage, then get all in, let your exposure work and continue to Plan "A" him...from your opening post till today, it's barely been a month, since you've found out and have exposed the affair...i would give it another month or two...then decide if it's worth it or not...

Unfortunately, this is really bad advice that does not line up with Dr Harley's principles. First off, you didn't answer my question about Plan A and that is because you don't KNOW how long Plan A is supposed to be for a woman. Which leads me to the next question which is WHY are you advising newcomers when you don't know anything about MB??

Secondly, a BS who goes into Plan B, which is the plan she should be in, should file for separation or divorce in order to protect themselves legally. This is a common recommendation made by Dr Harley. In her case, this is even more critical because she has severe health problems and because her H is a serial cheater.

In her case, she desperately needs to be in Plan B, so filing for divorce is her best chance at achieving a separation.

Having a "spark" is utterly irrelvant to the situation.

And lastly, please stop posting to newcomers if you know nothing about Marriage Builders. That is not helpful to the newcomer and is against board policy, which is posted in the announcement section. This is not an "opinion" forum, it is set up to help posters with MB:

From the announcement section: This announcement is to clarify our policy about the discussion of other marriage books and programs on our forum. Such discussion is acceptable, except on the threads of those seeking help for their marriages. Offering alternative methods to those in need promises to confuse and discourage them, often leading to unnecessary debates. Posters attempting to help should not be put in the position of having to debate basic principles. That is not helpful to anyone, most especially the poster in need.
continued here

Jinxie, any BS in serious health crisis, I would recommend them cut their Plan A short if need be, in order to protect themselves. That said, your Plan A already falls within the ideal window of what Dr. H recommends for BW's.

HOWEVER

What you're doing, of a not-Plan A and not-Plan B is damaging the hard work you've already put in. By capriciously not responding to him, yet without giving him a firm cutoff, you're eroding what you did in your Plan A, and reinforcing his silly belief that you're just a jealous wife, and no one to be reckoned with.

You need to be in your best Plan A right up until the MOMENT you go dark. If you can no longer do that, it's a very good sign that you should have been in Plan B already.

***Plan B is never under the same roof.***

You may have more power than you realize to get him out of the house, and certainly the ideal is to get the adulterer out of the house while the BS stays.

but

If he will not go and you can't continue Plan A long enough to try and legally force him to leave, then you must go. It's not fair. It stinks. But oh well - your health and sanity is MUCH MORE IMPORTANT than any house, or other worldly possession.

Again, you're either in Plan A or Plan B. If you try to freelance, you might as well not have gone through the agony of this last month.

If it was me, I would Plan A today with a vengeance. Send him nice texts, call him once or twice, have a super supper ready when he gets home, be flirty and chatty. And tomorrow while he's at work, move out and leave him the letter.

I'm all about saving marriages, but NEVER NEVER NEVER at the expense of a BS's health and life. Serious risk to life and well-being trump a marriage every time. With all due respect, it would be irresponsible to advise you to continue in Plan A any longer.

You have all the info you need. What action are you going to take now?