I�m new here so my apologies in advance for my lack of abbreviations.

My husband and I are both 35 years old, have been married for 15 years and we have 3 children ages 14, 11 & 10. It�s been 6 months since I found out about my husband�s year long affair with a co-worker and family friend.

The reason I�m writing today is because I�m frustrated that at times I feel worse now than I did months ago.

After first finding out about the affair I was mad as hell and wanted him to leave but after a calming down period and a lot of discussion we decided we both loved each other and wanted to work through it. My husband did all the right things from the start. He was open and honest and gave me all the answers and details I needed. We now understand how and why this happened to us and he knows what a huge mistake it was and I know now without a doubt how incredibly sorry he is.

My husband and I are now doing better than ever in so many ways, it feels like we�ve been given a fresh start and we�re getting a chance to fall in love all over again. I�d say 95% of the time I feel like everything is great and back on track but then like a light switch my thoughts go to a place where I think about him and her together and I turn into an inconsolable sobbing mess. I�ve tried so many different coping strategies to help me shake out of it but my husband is the only one who can truly calm me down.

It�s very frustrating because in reality I really do feel good a majority of the time. I don�t even feel anger towards him anymore�just sad at times that this even happened to us in the first place. When I do get upset it�s especially hard on my husband because it causes him to start thinking about the affair again, something he says he rarely does on his own and then it makes him extremely sad because he caused all of this.

It�s almost like in the first few months I was in a sort of survival mode where I was focusing all my anger and energy on saving my marriage and my family and now that things are calming down and life is starting to feel good again I�m realizing that after all is said and done I�m still carrying around a broken heart and frankly that makes me a little sad.

Welcome to MB,

Interesting that someone else just started a very similar thread on the recovery board. You may benefit from the answers "coffee" received...

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...at&Number=2447609&gonew=1#UNREAD

I also would direct you to read HalfUnits recent thread on the recovery board too.


6 to 8 months into recovery is a tough spot for lots of people. Your body has been running on high alerts and the stress has eaten up all your available andrenaline....so now, 6-8 months out you are suffering a hopefully mild form of post traumatic shock syndrome.

Just stick with your plan for marital recovery and you'll make it.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - you do have a plan, don't you????

Hi there roxymb,
I feel the same way sometimes, and I'm a year out from D-Day, I hate when my thoughts go there and I feel weak, my husband says the same thing as yours does. I think that is what happens in the beginning we just are in over drive keeping the marriage in tact and focusing on that part. We just didn't let ourselves work through all the feelings we had inside, now that we are relaxed a little more, they are coming to the surface now......
My therapist tells me that I have to let go of my perception of what my marriage was and just accept that it is different now and that there is no way I can make sense of someone else's decision........he said that I'm trying to find a good reason my life changed and it just doesn't have a logical answer so I get sad and hopeless............
All I can say, and I'm trying to do this as well, is stay in the moment of today and look forward to tomorrow...........forget about the past it's come and gone and can't be changed.......
Be happy you found your way back to each other, I often wonder where I would be in my marriage if the bad hadn't come to the surface..........I don't know about you but we were in a bad place before the affair, It's been hard for me owning my part in the martial problems, he didn't get there himself,
My husband now says to me he is going to spend the rest of his days making up for what pain he has caused me and that we have wasted so much of our time together being unhappy............
We are mid 50's, he wants to be happy together......

Welcome to MB roxy, and to the world of post-affair grief.

I think that almost every BS here has experienced what you are feeling now. The cause is probably exactly what you describe; an adrenaline surge during survival mode, followed by an extreme come-down. As well as an emotional high, a lot of couples go through a manic sexual phase immediately after D Day and for a few weeks or months after, and then the BS stops trying to reclaim the intimacy that was given away during the affair.

It does seem that we fight-or-flight first, but when we have finished the immediate fight for our marriages, and we are not in fight mode any more, we feel depressed about the affair and what it says about our spouse's feelings for us.

If you are asking for advice I would say that this phase of intense grieving will pass, but it will take many months. If you and your H both work on building a new marriage of extraordinary care and protection, you will eventually recover from your grief. If your sadness is debilitating, talk to your doctor about a short course of anti- depressants.

If you are asking for reassurance and support; well, you will get that in spades here. Keep posting.

Dr Harley has a plan that works if both of you follow it. Have you read it? Do you understand that all the steps must be followed, and not just one or two?

This article lays out the steps to be followed:

Coping with Infidelity: Part 3; Restoring the Marital Relationship

This article helps you understand and cope with your feelings of resentment, and describes the WS's role:

Coping with Infidelity: Part 4: Overcoming Resentment

Welcome, Roxy. Sorry you've got to be here, but I think we can help you.

First thing: does your H still work with OW?

This is me to a tee! I really did feel completely blind-sided by my husband actions and his affair. I truly thought we had a 'perfect' marriage and that something like this could never happen to us. I know I still struggle with trying to make sense of a situation that I know deep down I will never fully understand.

It was emotional affair for the first six months and then turned physical around this time last year which I'm sure is also adding to my feelings of sadness these days.

Thank you MrWondering for the welcome and links to the other posts I will definitely read them.

maritalbliss - H hasn't worked with OW since June of last year. He quit his job because the emotional affair had started and other people at work were noticing, at the time he just told me he was burnt out. He tried to call it quits with OW and didn't talk to her for a month but she started showing up at his new work and then things took off from there. H had already ended the affair a month before D-Day which was in mid June this year. H hasn't seen OW since May, I actually spoke to/confronted OW in late June and neither H or I have spoken to her since.

SugarCane thank you for the links...up until now I think we've been surviving on lots and lots of TLC and adrenaline. I think we definitely need a plan for the long haul.

One suggestion regarding adopting and implementing a plan.


Purchase His Needs/Her Needs in the CD (audio version) and plan a road trip with your husband where you will be in the car alone to listen to the book on CD and pause and discuss as needed.

The car is a wonderful place to do this. No outside distractions and it doesn't feel heavy (because you are killing time on the drive to your destination anyway). Plus...this is a hard subject and not sitting face to face is not as difficult for a man to open up and actually communicate. Non-verbal cues are minimized...etc.

It was a great introduction to the materials for us.

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- and no, I am not an employee of the Harleys nor do I receive any compensation whatsoever for suggesting their materials. Maybe you can even buy it used at Amazon.com.

I should have asked this, too, sorry - is OW married?

Thanks again Mr Wondering...H and I both agree that going on our nightly talking drives and stopping for ice cream when it got too headed saved our marriage.

maritalbliss - OW separated from her husband in July of last year and moved into a condo in hopes that my H would start talking to her again, right after H ended the affair in May she moved in with another man across town and as far as we know she still lives with him.

Roxymb,
I hear you about being blindsided I think this part is also difficult for me, thinking of my husband as someone that could do this kind of thing has crushed me.
When I let that thought take over a real sadness comes over me........I just try to say to myself, look at who he is now and not the guy that could do this........I still need to do some work but I think I now am having less and less times where it takes me over, and now maybe for not as long any more...........
I think our whole belief system has been destroyed.
I don't know about you but the other fact that upsets me is that it all happened without any control by me, how someone else can make such decisions that forever changed who I am is a little upsetting.......
I used to trust and believe in all that was good, now I have to believe that God has some reason for me to have lived through this, even though I don't know what that is right now, I must believe it's for some reason...........
Just kiss your husband tonight and tell him how grateful you are for him and forget about the skanky OW and all that hurt that she brought to your life......don't give her another minute of your precious time here on earth......
((hugs))

jessitaylor,
I could have wrote that word for word! The loss of control is HUGE for me. I've told H many times that I wish he would have just told me when OW first started giving him extra attention because I KNOW I could have fixed it right then and there.

I do look at my husband with totally different eyes now...I don't see him as my perfect knight in shining armor who can do no wrong anymore because frankly no one can truly live up to that. After all the crap we've been through this past year I can honestly look at him with respect and love because of his humility and honesty while handling this whole situtation since day one.

Still doesn't erase the fact that he broke my heart and unfortunately it seems like that's just going to take lots of time to heal.

Hey just come here and vent sometimes, it helps me when I say go home kiss your husband and be grateful, i even follow my own advice sometimes......hehe!!!

There is a great metaphor over on Daisy's thread in the recovery board which talks about the effect of an A on the BS being like having your knees injured. There is soft tissue damage as well, and the phystherapy will be long and painful. You need to repair and strengthen all the muscles around the knees and maybe learn to walk differently etc etc.

There's a few of us on that thread who seem to be at a similar point to you - hope it helps.

And I could have wrote that word for word.

It's all so painful and our lives are changed forever, yet it's also so very irritating because we obviously believed that our marriages, our husbands were better than that level of immaturity and stupidity and carelessness.

In my case, I know there was so much more quality to my marriage and family than him diving into a couple quick and skanky rolls in the hay when I was out of town would have you believe.

H actually told me that he didn't enjoy talking to OW or spending time with her but she was very needy and would just show up at his work so he felt obligated. He would get really annoyed with her because she called him at work all the time and would give him crap if he didn't call her back.

They never had sex but let's just say she was very nice to him...gross. I know we shouldn't really joke about this whole situation but H's running joke is that he really should have just paid her for it because he never really did anything for her...physically or emotionally.

A few weeks ago in a moment of insecurity I asked him if he was happy in the bedroom these days and he said that the last 6 months have been some of our best times together...I of course read more into that comment and asked him if he meant that it was better with someone else? (insecurity!!!)

He just laughed (but not in a mocking way) and said honestly the whole situation was so stressful that he really couldn't let his guard down and enjoy it. He said all any of it did was make him feel terrible.

He told me just this morning that he's just so happy that everything is out and we're moving on...he just wishes I could be happy ALL the time too. I'm almost there.

I know what you mean sometimes in the bedroom the thoughts go through my head, did he do this with her, was this different, it's awful when we compare ourselves to the OW, they weren't any better than us, we just somehow imagine it could be better, I think your husband has it right, they are so guilty it can't feel right.........thank god we found the size of our hearts were so big to understand and forgive................