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Originally Posted by LadyP8Riot
Dear Jinxie ~

Your H finally has you EXACTLY where HE wants you!
It is "Official"!
YOU HAVE BEEN GAS-LIGHTED!
HE WINS! Or ~ ~ ~ DOES HE?!?
naughty
In order for a person to be successfully "Gas-Lighted", they MUST be 100% Completely Worn Down to the point that the person they "once were" NO LONGER exists!
twoxfour

You ARE there, Sweetheart!
Physically ~ Emotionally ~ Mentally!!!!!!!!!
I hope you will "choose" to NOT stay there...

Now, what "YOU" CAN & NEED to do to come out from under H's madEVILmad "Spell" is LISTEN to the MB Pros! Then "YOU" CAN & NEED to DO what they say!!!!!

Because I'm a "Newbie", this is where I must take a backseat in order for the "MB Veterans" to step in! There MUST be a way for you to get back to "Rational Thinkin'"! I do NOT for one second believe it is too late for the "Real Jinxie" to come back to the land of "Rational Livin'"!

Before I go, I have made a couple of observations:

Regarding:
Quote
I am moving from the master bedroom to the lower level 3rd bedroom which I just redecorated and made beautiful where I will be comfy.
Why would you move out of YOUR bedroom?!?
Okay! So the
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lower level 3rd bedroom which I just redecorated and made beautiful where I will be comfy
. . . is available?!?

IMO you will simply be validating to your H that his perception of you as HIS "Weak Little Wifey" is 100% correct!

Oh, My Gosh, Jinxie! Why do you want to "enable" your H in his ARROGANCE?!?
Do you really think this is going to cause H to see you as the strong person you REALLY are?
Please say:
Nooo

I have an idea!
flirt
Would you "consider" relocating ALL of H's belongings ~ AND I MEAN "ALL OF H'S BELONGINGS" to
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. . . the lower level 3rd bedroom which I just redecorated and made beautiful where HE! will be comfy . . .
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

God Bless ~
lashes


No he doesn't win. My lawyer did say that I cannot force him to leave unless he beats on me or abuses me. No happening. However I can move his a$$ back to the den and change the locks on the doors so that he cannot have any access. Anybody else with a situation like this?! My family are all very far from me. All my health care is with specialists who treat this disease who are very few and far between.

I really am hating the fact that I am still in love with this jerk right now. It would be so much easier.

Jinxie

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Originally Posted by clark_kent
@Jinxie -

This is your home. You are the Queen of it. Moving to the lower level is not where the Queen sleeps. She sleeps in her Royal Chambers. You do not get banished from your kingdom.

1st, 2nd, 3rd txts indicate kissing aff. The last indicates its all your fault. Pure projection on his part. Who is the one acting like a teenager?

Remove the affair phone when he is sleeping and flush it down the toilet or take a shower with it. Take a hammer to it. No Affair in your kingdom.

Oh my Clark how I would love to kill that dang phone. Unfortunately it is also a "work" phone and although we pay the bills his employer does reimburse.

You are right on!

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I would pack up everything he has move in to the den, change all the locks, block him on EVERYTHING email, phone, FB, etc...give him the plan B letter and STAY DARK DARK DARK!!!

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Originally Posted by Jinxie
[
Last time I asked WS to leave he firmly put his foot down and said NO.He says you want a separation, fine then leave. My lawyer says I can do nothing about it unless I file for a divorce and request and emergency hearing. No guarantee it will go anywhere due to community property state etc. While I was in the hospital he moved back in to my master bedroom from the den where I had banished him to.

ok..............? crazy So what is the PLAN? You get this far and then changed subject. What NEXT? What is the plan to get him out?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by SapphireReturns
I would pack up everything he has move in to the den, change all the locks, block him on EVERYTHING email, phone, FB, etc...give him the plan B letter and STAY DARK DARK DARK!!!


Sapphire,

I have been working at calming myself down today and getting a grasp on the emotional tidal wave that I'm riding. I hate the fact that as pissed off and devastated as I am I still love him so much. I am putting a plan together that is doable in terms of my health and well being before and after the surgery. I am keeping him out of it. I sat down and took time to rationalize with myself and begin a list.

I have the locksmith coming tomorrow. Before he gets home I am going to screw up the internet. I have my neighbor's son coming to help me get him and all his crap out of my master room and bath. If the den doesn't suit him let him take the damned spare room. If he wants internet access he will have to leave the house and go to a library. We don't have internet/email on our cell plan. Interestingly enough he tried to pull that one on me last week too, about how convenient it would be to have email and all that crap on the cell.

I have not spoken to him today. I have not returned either his calls or his text messages. I am going to put the focus on to myself. Taking care of me so that I will be a healthy person and do well in the next few weeks. After the surgery if he will not leave then I will until my lawyer can work something out.

I am debating on a letter to explain stuff to him when he gets home. I do not want a fight, argument or any confrontation from him. I also ordered myself some books from borders. SAA, and Not Just Friends and one library request His Needs, Her Needs.

Jinxie

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Originally Posted by Jinxie
[No he doesn't win. My lawyer did say that I cannot force him to leave unless he beats on me or abuses me.

Of course you can force him to leave. You are not forced by the laws of this land to live with an abuser - people split up every day in this country. You tell that attorney to move his [censored] and get him out or get a new attorney. He should be filing for divorce and getting him OUT.

But, I have a feeling you are going to use this an excuse to do nothing. I don't get the sense this is going to anywhere.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Jinxie
[

I have the locksmith coming tomorrow. Before he gets home I am going to screw up the internet. I have my neighbor's son coming to help me get him and all his crap out of my master room and bath. If the den doesn't suit him let him take the damned spare room. If he wants internet access he will have to leave the house and go to a library. We don't have internet/email on our cell plan. Interestingly enough he tried to pull that one on me last week too, about how convenient it would be to have email and all that crap on the cell.

This is not a Marriage Builders plan and is likely to lead to divorce. Putting his stuff in the basement is dramatic and all, but absolutely useless in terms of ever recovering your marriage. Dr Harley calls this Plan "C"/.

What is the purpose of changing the locks if he lives in the same house? crazy


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by Jinxie
I have not spoken to him today. I have not returned either his calls or his text messages. I am going to put the focus on to myself. Taking care of me so that I will be a healthy person and do well in the next few weeks. After the surgery if he will not leave then I will until my lawyer can work something out.

Jinxie, is the plan to keep him in the house but punish him until after the surgery? How come you can't possibly get him NOW but you can in a few weeks? I don't understand the difference unless the goal is really not to get him out?

Because I am just telling you that giving him the cold shoulder is not a plan. Dr Harley calls that Plan C for compromise and it is the most likely to lead to divorce because it erodes the love in your marriage faster than anything.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
What is the purpose of changing the locks if he lives in the same house? crazy
I know it varies from state to state, and I'm British so what the heck do I know about your state laws,

but I have read here that if your H's name is on the property deeds, he has the right to enter the home. He can call the police, and they will not object to his breaking the locks.

Don't waste your money on a locksmith if you haven't checked your legal rights in this area.

If your H had moved out, but still exercised his rights to enter your home, that might be a different matter. Changing the locks might be effective in that situation. Where he refuses to go, however, you might not be able to keep him out of his home without a legal ruling.

Take MelodyLane's advice and talk to your lawyer about getting this abuser COURT ORDERED from your home. You are not forced to share your home with an abuser.


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Originally Posted by SugarCane
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
What is the purpose of changing the locks if he lives in the same house? crazy
I know it varies from state to state, and I'm British so what the heck do I know about your state laws,
Changing the locks might be effective in that situation. Where he refuses to go, however, you might not be able to keep him out of his home without a legal ruling.

But see, the goal is not even to lock him out of the house, but to force him to sleep in the den:

Quote
I have the locksmith coming tomorrow. Before he gets home I am going to screw up the internet. I have my neighbor's son coming to help me get him and all his crap out of my master room and bath. If the den doesn't suit him let him take the damned spare room.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Quote
After the surgery if he will not leave then I will until my lawyer can work something out.
My concern is that you are keeping him around to help you with your surgery as a way of solving your problem of aftercare, as well as hoping that his caregiving will inspire him to stay with you. It's why I was encouraging you to figure out how you would recuperate without him.

I think you would be better off finding another caregiver and getting an attorney who's got a little bulldog in him to get this thing going.

Plan B, Jinxie. You can accomplish this before surgery.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Plan B, Jinxie. You can accomplish this before surgery.

I agree with MB. I am horrified at the thought of you dealing with all this while recuperating from surgery. How could that not wear you down emotionally and physically?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Hire a nurse, 24 hours per day, to assist you after surgery.

In the meantime, hire a lawyer and file whatever is needed to get him out of the house.

Jinxie. He needs to see the CONSEQUENCES of choosing his "friendship" over his marriage.

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No I am changing the lock to my room. Next my friend will pick me up and bring from the hospital after a few days. After my 2 week post-op I can go to my sister's home which is 3 1/2 hours away until my next post-op which will be 4 weeks after. No I don't want to rely on him for anything what so ever. I live in an 50/50 property state. My best friend works for the top D lawayer for our area. Not much that I can do if he will not leave. He is not a abuser other than the A which doesn't qualify to get him out. I have been dealing with this all day on phones. I will have 2 weeks from my insurance provider of home nursing care.

This is no game for me. No I am not using a surgery or illness for his sympathy, give me a break. I don't think you understand the severity of my illness. This will be neurosurgery # 9 and I have come pretty damned close to death on 3 different occasions already. Here at the very least I have the support of my best friend, my neighbors and church. I also have the doctors who have cared for me for the past 6 years and understand the illness that I have which is very rare and complicated. I require 15 different meds per day, 2 injections which require assistance.

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Originally Posted by Jinxie
My best friend works for the top D lawayer for our area. Not much that I can do if he will not leave. He is not a abuser other than the A which doesn't qualify to get him out. I have been dealing with this all day on phones. I will have 2 weeks from my insurance provider of home nursing care.

Adultery is worse abuse than physical assault or rape. We are telling you there is ALOT you can do to get him out of your house. File for divorce. TELL the lawyer to file a motion to get your H ejected. People do it here all the time. THEN go into a dark Plan B. Since you are going to be dealing with your illness, you need him out. You can do this. <------that is where I would focus. Changing the lock on your bedroom will achieve absolutely nothing.

Your H doesn't believe you will do anything to stop him and so far he has been right.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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@Jinxie -

Oh the company reimburses company expenses. That's is very generous of them. Do they reimburse for useage by WS and OW. An idea.

Break the Affair.

Removal of internet is nice. How about canceling cell phone? Do you need to continue to snoop? If not blow up cell phone.

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I live in a "no fault" divorce state. My state has the absolute worst system on this issue. I know I have friends who have been through it. Yes I can file for the D. Which I fully intend to do. However I then have to wait for my atty. to then file an order of emergency to get him out and in this state and the county that I live in will not be an easy feat.

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Originally Posted by Jinxie
I live in a "no fault" divorce state. My state has the absolute worst system on this issue. I know I have friends who have been through it. Yes I can file for the D. Which I fully intend to do. However I then have to wait for my atty. to then file an order of emergency to get him out and in this state and the county that I live in will not be an easy feat.

The sooner you start the process, the faster he will be out. We have had many BS's - even in no-fault states - who have done this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by clark_kent
Removal of internet is nice. How about canceling cell phone? Do you need to continue to snoop? If not blow up cell phone.
She already said that the phone is a work phone. I don't think it would be wise for Jinxie to "blow up" their property.


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Originally Posted by Jinxie
I don't think you understand the severity of my illness. This will be neurosurgery # 9 and I have come pretty damned close to death on 3 different occasions already. Here at the very least I have the support of my best friend, my neighbors and church. I also have the doctors who have cared for me for the past 6 years and understand the illness that I have which is very rare and complicated. I require 15 different meds per day, 2 injections which require assistance.
This sounds horrendous. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this.



BW
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