Have you two read HNHN? That will be a good step in the recovery process. But always always NC is the first priority. The rest of it doesn't matter if NC isn't firmly in place.

BTW, regardless of whether your W is doing an adequate job at meeting your ENs, I hope you realize that the responsibility falls solely on you to NEVER allow another woman to meet your ENs...

WeTwo, how did your BW find out about this affair?

I feel so sorry for your wife. I think infidelity is often worse than death because after the death of a loved one, you grieve over the loss of the future together that you had hoped for. But in infidelity you also grieve for the past, wondering if you wasted your life trusting someone who could treat you so badly. And in your case, 44 years is a lot of past.
Somehow you have to find a way to convince her that you 'get it' and for the moment, the real problem is you don't. Or at least you don't seem to from my perspective.

WT,

My H had an affair with a person who was in our "circle of friends".

I told that wh*&^ on d-day that if I ever saw her face again, I would beat the living sh*(&* out of her.

I also told her that she was to leave me alone, my H alone, and MY FRIENDS alone - forever - because she had no right to be in

MY CIRCLE

at all.


Somehow, she's afraid to come around my friends. She and her hubby fell off the face of the earth from MY CIRCLE of friends.


My husband was MAN ENOUGH to go no contact, and

NEVER ONCE

whined about how hard it was for him to withdraw.


WHY NOT?

Because he realized that the best thing he ever had was ME in his life, and he took

100% of the blame for the affair.


You are not doing that. You need to do some reading, and quick. Because you are expecting your BW to somehow heal

YOUR WOUNDS?????


You have stabbed her in the heart and are now complaining about the blood on the floor.


Get a grip, WT. You had an affair, you broke your wife's heart, and YOU DO NOT NEED HER TO DO ANYTHING FOR YOU.

If you want your marriage to heal.....YOU need to do the heavy lifting - not your wife.


Sheesh.


SB

WeTwo,

As a BW I can tell you that she will not begin to regain any sense of trust, integrity on your part until there is 100% NC! That means, as hard as it is and as harsh as it is that you must leave your "social circle" and start anew. That would be my number one priority right now.

WeTwo, some of this will sound harsh, but you asked for advice, and so here's my 2 cents, from the perspective of a guy who had an emotional-then-physical affair, and who has recovered his marriage & made it better than before, thanks to my wife's forgiveness, facilitated by my stopping being stoo-pid! Take your medicine:
Why are you focusing on some notion of how she is "supposed" to act toward you? Why don't you focus your mental & physical energies on what you can control: namely, behaving how a husband is supposed to behave toward his wife? (Hint: This doesn't include self-pitying whining & pining about how you long for another woman's friendship! Having been married longer than I've been alive, do you really not understand this yet? Are you stupid? These aren't just rhetorical questions. What are your answers?)
That's your choice. It's not something that is just happening to you, it's your choice. You have been choosing to spend time pining for the other woman's attentions. Be a man, grow a pair, and own your choices. I did. You can.
Two comments: (1) An emotional affair is no less serious than a physical affair. One leads to another if left unchecked. You get no "points" for "only" having an emotional affair. All this means is that you & your wife don't need an STD test. Otherwise, an affair is an affair. You had one. You chose it. Own your choices. (2) As the person who had the affair, it's on you to make the first moves, and to show her why she should keep you. (Not tell her -- because your words aren't worth the old gum on the bottom of your shoe right now -- but in deeds. You show her. Unconditionally. Like you once promised.)
Yes, you're correct -- your withdrawal from the emotional addiction of the affair will go faster if your wife meets your needs. But she'll be more willing to do that over time if you meet hers. And if she's reluctant, then no matter; you learn HER needs and you make your best effort to met them. That's how it's done.

What extraordinary precautions have you put in place to ensure "no contact" and to give your wife confidence that you're not continuing the contact with the interloper in your marriage? (Hint: Yes, you should ditch this circle of friends, to the extent that the other woman is part of that circle. That "friendship" is toxic to your marriage. One of the precautions you can & must take is to steer clear of any situations where the other woman will be present. That's actually a pretty basic precaution -- not even all that extraordinary!)

You can't really withdraw if you see this other person regularly. You have to have no contact for life. If that means you give up your social circle, then so be it. The social circle can come see you without OW.

Seems WT must have left the building.

Got too hot for him, and he didn't have anyone blowing smoke up his skirt about how terrible HIS life is because his BW is being so unreasonable regarding his affair.

Itty-boo.

Yep, just looking for justification....

I love how people come on her looking for advice, even admitting they did something wrong, and they get attacked. That is wonderfully helpful. Just love it.

Suggestion: if you see an "attack" why not click on "notify" and let the moderators moderate instead of lecturing other posters? I see the moderators did remove the attacks, btw, so I don't know why this is your concern.....

Oh, WAAAAAAAAHMBULACE! I WAS MADE TO LOOK IN THE MIRROR! IDONWANNAIDONWANNAIDONWANNAIDONWANNA.


Which is what I assume the OP is doing right now.

ML, I just don't understand what good it does you or the person you are writing to to criticize them when they are simply asking for advice and help. Especially when they are already doing the hard part and admitting fault.

If you believe that, why are you criticizing other posters on this thread? What good does that do? To answer your question, I disagree with your sweeping generalization about criticism. Criticism can be a very valuable tool for change. For example, it is good for an adulterer to see how others react to them. IT helps them see themselves when they can view themselves through the eyes of others.

Criticism is not the same as an "attack," either.

Tom, I don't think ML, or anyone else here for that matter, is posting advice, critical or otherwise, because 'it does them any good'. They are doing it purely for the good of the person requesting advice.
And I think that it is a measure of the person if they can take the criticism. Not instantly, not many of us can absorb criticism instantly but if they can go away, think about it, acknowledge their mistakes and then come back for more, then I think they probably have it in them to sort out their problems. If they fall at the first hurdle then they probably won't make it anyway.
And I think this is true of BS's and WS's. I've seen BS's get strongly criticised too and I sometimes feel sorry for them (my sympathy for the WS's is a bit more rationed) because they are not the ones at fault but that's when you see their mettle.
None of us know what we are capable of until we are tested and what WeTwo has faced here is peanuts compared to recovery. The real value of a person is not in the mistakes he makes but in how he handles them.

I've seen many a WS leave the building way to soon. How can we help them and their BS if they don't come back.

The reason?

Too many people don't know the difference between swinging a 2x4 and a hardwood log.

Some people skip the 2x4 and the log and they go straight to swinging the log cabin. Especially when they feel they are the point of the complaint.

I think he probably showed up here to try to ease his conscience a little, get some assurance that he really is not responsible for his own actions. When he didn�t get the reaction he was seeking, he bailed.
I do apologize for my rude comment earlier, however I have zero sympathy for this guy.

Yep. We're known around here for cutting to the chase with unrepentent waywards. Repentent ones who wish to learn get a much warmer reception.

It's what we do.

But then, you already know that, don't you.

TomOlympus, what this guy wanted was to be told that his wife was being unreasonable, that she should "get over" his affair...blah, blah, blah. He was not looking for advice on how he could help her, but looking for people to encourage him in his pity party.

He did not get attacked; he just did not get away with blowing smoke up people's heinies and he got some EXCELLENT advice!

These kind of discussions drive me insane. A WS who is sincere about saving his marriage could not be driven off by wild horses. This guy didn't come here for help, he came here looking for ammo to use against his BS to force her to get in line. He didn't get that validation thankfully.

As posters we have no control over who leaves or comes, so it is ludicrous to imply we do. WE have BS's who leave because they don't hear what they want to hear. But we don't see folks crying over them. *I* have left at times myself but I don't blame others. Because others have no control over me.

The bottom line is that if someone truly wants help, they cannot be "run off."