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Should extended family (both spouse's parents and siblings) be told about an affair if the spouses have reconciled? Or is it okay to keep it just between the spouses?
Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Should extended family (both spouse's parents and siblings) be told about an affair if the spouses have reconciled? Or is it okay to keep it just between the spouses? It is best for close family members to know about the affair in order to get support for the marriage. Affairs effect the whole family so it is best to be transparent with them too. Especially in your case where there is an ongoing affair AND an OC. Everyone should know. If not, your H may attempt to take his OW around the family. Here is what Dr Harley posted over on the weekend forum: Our policy for years has been to tell all family members on both sides of the family about an affair. Time after time, people who have followed our advice have reported that it helped clear the air, and it also helped restore trust. Right now, anything you can do to help your husband restore his trust in you would be extremely important. Tell your parents right away.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Nov 2010
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I'm actually the WS in my case, and I want to expose my A, but my BH wants to keep it a secret until we know what will happen with our OC (whether OM will get any rights). My BH's family will most likely hate me (they've held years-long grudges against other family menbers for much more trivial matters), and my BH does not want to deal with that right now. What if telling our families is against the faithful spouse's wishes? Is exposure still helpful to our recovery?
Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
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Joined: Jul 2008
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WH,
Yes I think the extended family MUST know, there is a good chance they will put two and two together and OC might end up hearing or feeling what they suspect. How much like OM does the child look?
Also I don't think you want to ask your OC to lie to his "relatives" once OC has been told, don't force OC to keep an ugly secret. And once the truth comes out it will look like you were a liar for all that time.
Another point is if they are people for whom blood is important, then it is better not to deceive a grandparent that the child is their descendant. This may lead to estrangement later in OCs life.
I kept my OC status secret and did not know how to deal with it until MB, now I just tell everyone.
God Bless
Gamma
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I'm afraid it will lead to estrangement now, though. And my BH is certain his family will push him to leave me. Can secrets like that be kept forever, as long as we tell OC when she's old enough to understand and make her own decisions re OM (unless courts order joint custody before then, of course)? What if OC will later resent being looked at differently?
Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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wanthealing, I agree with Gamma. Honesty is the best policy. Sure, family members are going to be upset about this, that is a natural consequence. But it will come out eventually.
Better to put it out there yourselves so you can frame the discussion and assure family members that you care for your husband and are remorseful for your actions. Don't let them hear it somewhere else or conclude it on their own themselves.
Its your marriage, though, and the best course of action is something which you and your husband enthusiastically agree.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Thanks to you both! I guess my BH and I will have to pray about how to say it. Luckily my BH already expects negativity and is still determined to stay with me despite what they may tell him to do. I'm blessed!
Me: WW
BH
DD(4)
DS(2)
DD(1)
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)
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