Athena, what are you doing to meet his needs? Meeting needs is a TWO WAY street. The more you meet his needs, the more he will feel like meeting your needs. You need to give him some incentive here.

Your feelings will not come back overnight, BUT THEY WILL NEVER COME BACK IF YOU DON'T SCHEDULE 20+ HOURS OF UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. All of this is worthless unless you do that. And the focus must be these top 4 intimate needs: sexual fulfillment, conversation, affection and recreational companionship. ESPECIALLY conversation. I think this is how the OM was able to use you all these years.

You say you WANT certain things to happen, but are not taking the steps to make them happen. That is like crying that you aren't getting to Cincinnatti, Ohio but you can't be bothered to start the car.

You are big girl, Athena, and have to take an active approach in your own recovery. That means YOU remind yourself every day to take your pill and YOU sit your butt down TONIGHT and make out a schedule for the week and line up babysitters.

If you want things to change, you have to CHANGE. It will not happen by magic. It sounds to me like you are waiting for some magic feeling to come attack you against your will. That is not how life works, my friend. FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS, FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS,FEELINGS FOLLOW ACTIONS......

Also, have you considered getting phone counseling with the Harleys? They are very good at motivating you and giving you a PLAN.

What is really sick and tragic about your comments is that it was the affair that caused the depression in the first place. Depression is pretty much the RULE with adultery because one has to constantly beat down one's conscience. That is hard to do. Praising the OM is like thanking the rapist for dropping you off at the ER after he raped you.

It is a horrible depressing feeling to have a black cloud sitting on your conscience, so depression is very common. This is why it is so ironic to see you say the "OM saved your life" when in reality, that loser WRECKED YOUR LIFE. He disrespected you, degraded you and used you in the worst possible way. He kept you enmeshed in a sewer existance for years and here you are grateful to him.


I agree you should go to a doctor about your depression, but it would be suicide to put your recovery on hold. A big vacuum has been left in the place of your affair, so it has to be filled by something. There is absolutely no reason to wait to work on recovery when that is the very thing that is bound to bring you happiness.

Call the Harleys Athena, otherwise you risk losing your marriage and ALL chance at happiness.

I can't remember, do you still see OM?

Athena,

I am no expert..I am a BH and all I can tell you is I have never experienced anything like what I am going thru. I have read your post and I can understand what your going thru..

Do you understand what your husband is REALLY going thru and what he is doing for YOU? The fact that he is still trying to make your marriage work when it would be so much easier to walk away and let the pain and the hurt go? I assure you, he could probably leave today and find someone who would be more than happy to meet all his needs and he would be ok, but instead he CHOOSES to try and save his marriage with you and endure all the pain and suffering that goes along with it.

He knows he has done things, wronged you, hurt you and probably feels like he is to blame for EVERYTHING he is going thru now. He is probably scared to death of upsetting you and not trying to push you away, since everything you see here says don't talk a lot about the relationship.

I can understand how difficult it must be to try and do something with someone who you feel doesn't complete you, but I am assuming he did at one point do the same thing the OM is doing now. Give him the chance, he probably feels like he isn't good enough and that nothing he does seems to be good enough. I know I still feel like this even though deep down I know it's not true! Try to see the other man for the negative things HE did to hurt your relationship and be ANGRY that he took away something very special between you and your husband and quit thinking of him as a good person. In reality, he may be a good person in his enviroment and his marriage but he isn't to you and your marriage! Let your husband be there for you talk to him, reassure him that your trying and work thru this together 100% and show him your committed. Sorry, I may have gotten sidetracked I have a hard time writing and conveying my thoughts sometimes.

Good luck,

P.S.
I hate FACEBOOK and TEXTING..I think it can be good but only when you have very STRONG boundaries and only when you hide nothing but I guess if that was the case then none of us would be here? Sorry..I just never understood how destructive this media could be.

This is a good question by Scotland. Has the OM ever come back to work? Have you seen or spoken to him?

Athena still sounds very fond of OM. I bet she sees him often....

Melody,
Thanks for your help, you and the others take so much of your time to help others on here. You really helped me to understand so many things, for that I am a better person.

I know I haven't posted on my orginal post much but I wanted to thank you. Sorry for hijacking your post Athena.

Thank you so much, lovemywifesc!

Complete, total, utter bovine excrement.

It isn't registering with you? Well, let's see... he's hanging around trying to care for someone who is so engaged in a self-pity party, pining for another man that she can't give a damn about what he wants or needs... oh, no no no. It's all about you.

He's standing there trying to be by your side, despite the fact you were off boffing some other guy, and had to be drug away kicking and screaming. And you gave him a chance?

You've only been giving him the chance to fail... over and over and over.

Exactly WHAT is it you are looking for? Admiration? Why don't you START BEHAVING ADMIRABLY then?


*edit*


How about this? How about you pull your cranium out of your rectum, and figure out who is giving who a chance here?

Ok, princess?

Sounds like your drawn to drama and chaos.

Perhaps you're simply not drawn to peace and contentment.

What do you think about that possibility, athena?

Do you feel you need to be involved in some sort of craziness to fill something in your life or else it's too plain and "boring?"

Ditto, I agree, you've only given him a chance to fail.

Now try giving him a chance to succeed and see if you feel any better.

Telling him you are about to kill yourself is in no way giving him a chance to succeed. Now if you had said, "I feel like killing myself, so I'm going to get some help so I can be the wife I vowed to be..."

Well that would be giving him a chance to succeed. But telling him that you are broken and laying the entire burden on him is no chance for success.

Since he's not abandoned you, perhaps you should consider kissing the ground he walks on, because from here, he's the shining success in your marriage. Only you are too self-absorbed to see that.

When are you going to get on board and be a successful party to your marriage?

Athena,

I admire you for putting it all out there knowing you will get 2X4's.

I think this part is amazingly difficult. I know how badly you feel and how much you miss OM. He filled a void in your life and now it is just a void.

Your BH does sound willing to fill it. You are similar to me in that you make many disrespectful judgements about what he is able to do. It took me awhile to see this as they were hidden as "concerns" for him. I would frequently fix things for him because he didn't know how or he just wasn't good at that sort of thing.....

I handled children problems and family issues and kept my emotions in check around him. I did ask for affection because "he just wasn't the touchy feely type." If something was difficult, boring, or sad, I would "rescue" him from it.

So, yes, he is pretty lousy at meeting my needs but for goodness sakes, I didn't let him.

Yes, like you, I did try and fail in the past but I don't think I tried hard enough. I don't think I put much value on my needs so how could I expect him to?

I am trying now and it is hard because NOW I have the guilt on top of it all. What right do I have to have my needs met????

I just decided that it isn't fair to allow OM or anyone else to meet my needs until I've really put them out there for my BH. I can't assume he will fail. I have to let him try. So far he has messed up a lot BUT he has done a lot of things I would have never expected...not in a million years SO, maybe I was wrong all along...maybe you were to.

If he stuck around so far there is always a chance.

Good luck.

Athena,

My wife always says she told me things..problem was I never understood what she meant...I read a great book called Love and Respect..maybe try reading it..I know its not a book from this site but along with all the books from this site and that book it gave me a lot of insight...I still need a lot of help understanding things but I am willing to try...I just need my wife to be honest with me and help me do the things she would like me to do..I don't mind doing things I just need to know WHAT you really need from me If I ask you is there anything I can do to make you have a better day and you tell me no, I can't do anything and if you do this all the time pretty soon he can never do anything right but, your probably telling the OM all the things and he can do things right for you...Helps to have the information to act accordingly.

LOVE HIM THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE LOVED AND TRY AS HARD AS YOU EXPECT HIM TO TRY! You might have been trying to save the marriage when he wasn't and now he is trying to save it when you are not..END the cycle and START today with him to save it:)

I want to bring back the focus to her H and his needs. See, her H is lying on the ground bleeding to death from the bloody beating he has endured at her hand. Is it reasonable to demand that your wounded victim get up and meet your needs when he can hardly breathe on his own?

Will kicking him in the head over and over again motivate him to meet her needs? What would motivate a wounded BS to get up and start engaging in the marriage?

Perhaps it would be motivating if Athena would start meeting his needs, stop lovebusting, stop pining for loserboy and TAKE THE LEAD IN THIS RECOVERY.

It is dangerous to focus on getting something FROM your beaten spouse at a time when he is in shock. The way to get what you want from your victim is to first RENDER FIRST AIDE. He has to be nursed back to health. Nursing him back to health is the way to get what you want from the marriage.

Secondly, it is dangerous and counterproductive to speak about the feelings one has for your filthy affair. Speaking about pining for the pig pen only makes those feelings more intense. I can assure you they don't allow that kind of talk in AA about alcohol. And heck, if filthy affairs were all that great, then why give them up at all? Its like booze, if it were so wonderful i would have just continued drinking.

Athena, I would encourage you to render first aide to your victim. That will help him recover and will motivate him to engage in this marriage. Eliminate your lovebusters, stop pining for loserboy, and make up that schedule of UA for the week. Bring the body and the mind will follow.

Bring the body and the mind will follow.

Bring the body and the mind will follow.

Bring the body and the mind will follow.

In other words,

1. Stop any further damage. Pining away for the OM, etc are all acts that bring further injury to your betrayed husband and your marriage.

2. Get yourself fixed. Stop expecting ANYTHING from your husband at this time. You chose to have an affair, so something in you is severely broken. Until you get yourself fixed, you are not a safe spouse and are not to be trusted when it comes to making a respectful request about your needs.

3. Plan A your husband. The above pretty much covers Love Busters, but if there are others not covered by the first two above, address those. Also meet his needs. This will help him heal.

4. Protect the marriage you have. Much of that comes from the above actions, but you also have to make sure you have adequate defenses to protect your marriage from either your ability to damage it, or external forces.

There may be more, but that's the triage I see that's needed. You have to first stop doing damage and get yourself fixed before you can make any sort of determination what you really need or want. Your needs and wants are in the fog right now, and will remain there as long as you are longing for the OM and as Melody described, the filth he provided.

It may have looked good, but understand that was a very thin veneer over a pile of excrement to make it look good. Excrement in a nice box is still a box of excrement, no matter how you market it.

I have not seen OM in quite a while - over 3 weeks ... not since I told BH about broken NC. He was off work for a couple of weeks and returned last week to find that he'd been transferred (was in the works long before I told management). I took last week off to avoid being at work while he was "in transition".

However, there have been a few times when it has felt like there has been too much contact/reminder. OM sent BH a note to tell him he was transferred. BH told me about this. OM sent a note to the entire office to say goodbye and I was on the distribution list. Just today people are asking me to sign his goodbye card and plan to go for a goodbye lunch with them all. And my dreams have also done their part in making it hard for me to put him behind me.

But I have stayed true to NC. Yet I have to admit I am still fond of him and feel bad for what he has been going through these last few weeks too.



Nobody pulled me away kicking and screaming. I ended it all by myself. I chose to tell BH about broken NC, I told BH when OM tried to call me, I have been keeping up with NC.

BH asked me today if I resented him for keeping me away from OM. I said no. BH isn't keeping me away. I am keeping me away. And with the withdrawal, lack of action on both BH and MY part (I take responsibility too), I am feeling stretched to the limit of my mental and emotional strength right now.

I suffered with severe post-partum depression that I was too proud to get treated, yet I know that carrying on in an affair contributed to that depression becoming worse.

Yes, I am the one who screwed up royally. I have not forgotten that.

Athena, I only hope you didn't sign that card. I would strongly advise you tell those coworkers about this affair and ask them not to bring him up again. Additionally, you go into your system and block the OM from contacting you. Leaving this door open is dangerous to your recovery.


Do you feel bad about what you and the OM did to your husband? The OM is not a victim. Your H and his wife are.



Take the lead, Athena. Start taking your anti-depressants, see your doctor if you have to, and TAKE THE LEAD ON YOUR MARRIAGE.

But, Stop sitting there waiting for your H to do all the work. He is in worse shape than you. Render first aide to your husband. Take the bull by the horns and focus on a PLAN.

Will you do that?

What was your response? And what have you done to make sure this doesn't happen again?

You have a deflection going on here; your withdrawal, and your self-absorption is not allowing anything he does to get through.

This can also be reversed - my FWW works VERY hard, not only to meet my needs, but to show remorse, love, and care. At times... well, at times it just isn't getting through.

However, she doesn't just pack up her toys and go home. She fights. She fights HARD.

Maybe you need a change of venue. Maybe you are surrounded by too many reminders of OM for you to properly withdrawal. Maybe you have a secret stash of mementos, or maybe it's just work and the memories of the A built therein.

BH isn't getting a chance, because you are in this perpetually foggy sunshine circle of memory about this wretched bastardization of love you are perceiving.

Maybe it's time to freaking crap or get off the dang pot.

I'm sorry. Your signature says "I can't do this alone, but I can do this!", yet you are telling me to not expect anything from him and do it all by myself.

But I do agree about the "safe spouse" part - right now I don't know what I want or need. I only know that right now I am bleeding too and need to put on my oxygen mask before I can deal with BH.



I hear you. I just don't know how to do that. Logically it all makes sense. But I can't deal with a lot of stuff right now and the thought of trying extra hard at ANYTHING frankly is draining me. I cried myself to work this morning and just feel like crawling home and into bed. The first time the kids start whining about something, my skin will crawl and I will want to run away.

I am not showing much empathy or compassion for BH - I can see that too. But I also don't see his pain. Perhaps it is selfishness on my part, but from my point of view he seems to be able to function during the day and not be debilitated by depressing thoughts. He can get stuff done and remember things. To my knowledge, he's never considered taking his own life to end the pain and hurt even more thinking about what that would do to his kids.

I am selfish. I know I need to do something about that. I just have to figure out how to kick myself in the *ss and do it.