So Tom, as much as your posts entertain me.. have a think about talking to the mods and asking them if you can change your username here so or edit your posts so you can introduce the program to your wife initially without fear she will get the whole brick wall of honesty all at once (as much as I feel that would be the best thing to do clearly thats not something you're brave enough to contemplate right now).

Babysteps towards honesty. As she learns the meaning and necessity of radical honesty as well as all the other concepts such as poja, love busters and emotional needs it will become easier for her to understand why you are telling her things and easier for her to accept your honesty when you finally try it out from time to time.

One thing that helped my hubby and I was to read a chapter at a time together of the books HN/HN and LB and talk about what they meant to us and what we could apply them to in our own lives.

Two other books that have been invaluable to me that are unrelated to this site and may feel safer to introduce to your wife are Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch and Tell Me No Lies by Ellyn Bader and Peter T Pearson. They aren't a replacement for this program but cover small parts of a relationship in detail with similar ideals.

Why? Your IRL name isn't Tom Olympus, is it?
Order the book at the public library and take it home. Tell her a friend told you about it and you thought it sounded interesting.
Quit putting up roadblocks. Figure out how you can do it, not why you can't do it.

I think the chance of that happening is pretty remote. And the chance of that happening AND her recognizing you here is even remoter.

You might consider changing your name if you're worried about that.

Especially considering Tom's wife is currently clueless that her M is shaky.

People may have different reasons for getting married...but if you are not gonna stick by your spouse then obviously you didnt get married for the right reasons...

I forget if you have already stated this, but, what was your reason for getting married?

Different reasons for getting married is one thing but getting married and making a vow to stay together for life when you don't actually intend to work on staying together for life is wrong. Since its a lie really isn't it?

When you made your wedding vows, Tom, you should have told your wife that it was.... only until something better came along, only if she didnt gain weight, only if she made enough money, only if she kept up with the housework, only if you didnt change your mind, only until it started to be too much work to maintain...Then your wife would have prolly not married you, right?

For better or for worse...etc, etc...was a lie you told her so she would marry you....Why did you lie and make these vows to her? Why didnt you just keep dating her until something better came along...Were you afraid this was as good as it gets and you might not find anyone better? Were you afraid if you didnt commit that she would find someone better, so you made false vows to her to trick her?...Thats a great reason to get married!!!!!

Arent lies what have gotten in this predicament in the first place? Shouldnt you start being honest with your wife starting NOW? You should have worried about hurting her when you lied and vowed to stick by her...its much too late to start worrying about hurting her NOW!!!!!

Actually right now I am feeling more inclined to try harder to have a baby. We are not getting any younger, needs to happen eventually. The purpose would not be to solve anything in the marriage, it would be to fulfill the desire to have a child.

We both needed one another at that time in our lives for different reasons. We both benefitted from the marriage and we were both better off in married than single. We have been good for one another.

That is why I got married.

semantics

Yeah, those words usually go over real well with women and in a church really well.
We could have just kept dating, but we would not have both gotten the full benefit of what we needed from one another at that point in our lives. And there was always potential (and I did have the hope) that it could turn into something that could last a lifetime.

You are a total copout Tom. I can't imagine why you're bothering to be here. You don't like your wife. And yet you plan to PROCREATE. To throw inncent children into your dysfunction! How creepy is that????

So you're intentionally going to have a child with a woman that you fully intend to divorce someday? And you're going to do this without telling her that you intend to divorce her?

Really, can you come up with anything more absolutely selfish and cruel than that?

I'm beginning to hope you're a troll, because I don't like to think that there are people this cruel and self-centered in the world.

Wow, I don't know where you got I don't like my wife part. If I have ever said that here, its a mistake, because I do like my wife, I do love my wife. The "in love with" part is where there is struggle, which is what I believe most people here at this site struggle with. Which is why I came here in the beginning, still come as well. The in love with part.
I like her, I love her. Those I have no doubt about.

I do not fully intend on divorcing her. I believe I have said it is a possibility in the future yes. But I do not have a full intention. I still have hope that this marriage can be everything that I wanted it to be in the beginning, that it can reach the potential that I thought it had. I don't ever expect it to be perfect, but I know it can be better.

And regardless of what could happen in the future; maybe the marriage turns out great, maybe it doesn't. Should we really put our lives on hold to find out at this point. Because if it does turn out great, I would simply regret waiting more. That would not accomplish anything.

Um, hummm, let me think..BECAUSE YOU'RE READY TO DUMP HER BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIKE HER LOOKS?????????????????????How old are we?????? Idiot.

No, I did not say I am ready to dump her, no. And no, by no mean ( I guess you have not paid attention) is it only about someones looks. Seriously, come on. If looks were the only issue in the marriage, I would have never have looked and found this site. Looks had nothing to do with the original reason I looked for and found this place either. If everything else in the marriage is great, I can get past that part.
If most/all of my other EN's were met besides physical appearance, this marriage would be amazing and last forever, but there are other issues as well. Thats the problem, theres not enough balance between the good and the bad. I don't expect to have every single thing perfect in a partner of mine. I know I am not perfect and I don't expect anyone else to be. Don't try and make me look so shallow thinking its all about looks. Please, if you think that, then you know nothing about me and are just focusing on what you want to.

You know what you like? I'll tell you your ENs:Attention. And Attention. And Attention. You need it. You'll get no more from me. You ARE PATHETIC. Get off this site and attend to your marriage or END IT AND RELIEVE THAT POOR WOMAN OF HER LIFE SENTENCE.

I'm done with you.

So, I take it that no you never paid attention to the issues that first brought me here. The other EN's that I was having trouble with.
The FS and the DS EN's that were not being met. Yes there were EN's I was not meeting of my wifes as well. But those were what brought me here. When those are not an issue in the marriage, the EN of PA is not as significant. When those others go down though, other things become magnified. Knowing this program like you do, I know you can understand that point. It is reasonable and understandable, very basic.
You treat me like I am some horrible being who does not care about my wife. I am not perfect, I make mistakes, we all do. So my biggest mistake is lying. Yes I have a problem with lying, I have done it for years, I have always lied to make situations better than they really are. I have lied to try and protect people, whether right or wrong. I have lied to try and spare pain. I have lied to avoid pain of my own. I do it, I know. Again, nobody is perfect and I don't claim to be. I still expect myself to do everything else that I can to keep my wife happy. Hell, whether it takes living a truth or a lie, I do put my wifes happiness in front of my own more often than not. I swallow my pride and make sure she is happy. If I am as well, then great, if not, I deal with it. I don't do it to get props for sacrificing anything. I wouldn't want them anyway.

You say I should get off the site and go work on the marriage with the wife. When I get on here, my wife is not home. When she is home I have been trying to spend more time with her. You know, that UA concept.