Trying to stop feeling sorry for myself before I get a JL kick up the butt.

It seems a lot of my friends are more upset about whats happening, and I actually had to support my friend when she phoned and got upset.

Then just after I sorted myself out, a friend called who I know meant well, said everything is so chit for you at the moment, I don't know what to say.

I am going go shout it from the rooftops, Harmonys life is CHIT!! Thanks for confirming that for me, not that I didn't know that. Some people are just useless at knowing what to say.

I feel like I need a whole new life after this.

Hi Harmony,
I hear what you are saying, some people just don't help the situation, I loved the ones that came forward and just said to me, I want you to be happy and I will support any decision you come to............I really had a hard time with people that looked and treated me with the poor you, pity kind of support, it made me more emotional when I was trying to be strong in my decisions.....
Hey you know what I scream in my car when I drive to where I'm going, feels great......I'm calm when I get to where I'm going, I must look like a fool to anyone who might catch me, but what the hell...........I am a little crazy now anyway......hehe!!!!! Sometimes I think my new life might end up in the looney bin............hehe!!!

Thanks Jessi - will try the screaming technique I need something! I tend to sort myself out these days which is really good progress rather than relying on others to talk me out of low moments, I think they call it self soothe here.

I am just so desperate for some fun and happiness in my life. Its been going on for 2 years with H and now this. I really just need something good in my life. I don't want a lot, just to be in a happy relationship with a family.

I feel that I have grown so much being here and really feel that those around me are noticing the changes. I am much stronger, calmer, less likely to react to situations and more likely to defend my boundaries which is great as it means people are not taking to wotsit anymore.

I even feel calmer about H, we stopped talking on a good note and I am happy to put him on the back seat in a box until things with my Dad are over. I do forgive him you know, I don't think he is a bad person, he has just not learnt the tools I have to deal with these situations.

I read another thread from someone in a similiar situation, a FWW whose H was very angry and went off doing IB and OW. The advice she was given was to change herself, and enjoy her life withouth him, so that IF he did offer her an olive branch he was amazed at the changes.

Thanks all, this is a great place. Everything around me is falling, but I feel centred. Does anyone in these situations in life spend a lot of time on their own? I feel better on my own sometimes than in the company of others.

Just spoke to sis, depressed again, she has just been with all the mums from the school to the pub, and cooking dinner for the family.

This is how the convo goes;

Sis - what are you doing Harmony?
H - I am at home working.
Sis - Ahhh, oh dear, are you all on your own?
H - Yes I am
Sis - Oh dear.
H - Thats OK I have been for a walk and going out with friends for a curry later.
Sis - ahhhhh, thats OK then, OK I must go I am off outside to play with the kids in the snow
H - OK have fun.

I know she cares, I am probably just jealous cause she is happily married with a family and I am a sad singleton that she feels sorry for her, because that would be her idea of hell.

Hey don't be depressed, be grateful she is happy. I know I wouldn't want anyone I know to go through what I have been, I'm grateful for others who have happiness worked out, it makes me feel that it is all possible and you should look at it like that........
When it's your turn, the two of you can rejoice for each other, right now you can be happy for her, she called you because she cares about you Harmony, she wants you to stay hopeful even though life is rough right now............
sisters are great, nothing you can't say or do, they love you no matter what ........
warts and all..............and the great part it's a two way street........

I spend lot of time on my own, but I don't think it is the best medicine. rather time with real good friends, that reflect your character and boundaries, (hope you know what I mean by that, at a loss for words), that also reflect your dreams and aspirations, would be best.

But at a time like you are having, many ppl will not understand your choices, maybe old friends that you have to leave behind, or people who you know, and think they know you, and sometimes...are uncomfortable with the new you...so to speak..Like coworkers, who know you a little, or relatives, who like to believe the best and allready have you ,"figured out", sorta prophetically, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, sometimes you just need to be alone, and it is nessesary to do heavy thinking and adjustments. The goal would be of course, to be surrounded by freinds that love you, almost all the time. I think we all need time alone sometimes to reason and accept ourselves, and to accept what we want in that love, and of course, the biggy. What is love?

Spend time gaining peace, and when you get tired of your own company, go see someone who you feel is good company. In time you will not feel so lonly, even when you are alone, and strong and independant, even when in the midst of turmoil with others. It will take time, and its worth it in my book.


Its funny, I thought about my post, and saying I spend a lot of time alone, but really I don't. right now my DGD of 3 is cooking makebelieve dinner for me, cuz I watch her a couple days a week. I am llways doing something with my family or my friend Rocco.
Putting new facia boards, drip edge, and gutters on daughters house this weekend. Painting and refinishing floors at new house me and boys are moving to this Dec. on weekends. Drive 19 year old to work daily, putting ne clutch in DS24s car this weekend. Have a ongoing process of car repair and restoration with Rocco.. I am allways busy, rarely alone, but feel alone almost always, since the passing of my wife.

Alone and guilty, and despondant, and a lot of negative emotions can get jumbled up and confused. Thats why accually being alone and soulsearching can be theraputic as you sort things out, and learn that life IS fair, its just how you look at it.

Pray that your outlook improves as time goes by

Thanks constant, but your life sounds wonderful and that's what it's all about! I have great friends and family but what I want is my own house to be full of life and chaos. I am holding on for that, maybe bit depressed today just want to enjoy life I live my friends but have been doing that for such a ling time now.

Thanks for caring. Just off out with a friend for dinner!

Well Yay for that. lol life sounds wonderful? well it could have been worse I know but then.. maybe it how I am looking at it...

No matter, those years building a family were the best of my life, just because it didn't come out the way I planned, or hoped, and I am alone tryin to put it back together, doesn't mean life is over, just a new chapter.

Happy fun day to you Harmony..as much as can be expected in the circumstances

@Harmony -

Why go out with friends to dinner, have friends in for dinner. Create "life and chaos" in your home? Make it happen for you.

Make tomorrow Happy Harmony Fun Day!

Lol!!! Thanks Clark like the idea of happy fun day?? Feel like I may have got things in perspective a little....need to start making a life with things going on....

Not that I am slightly tempted but got chatted up tonight whilst out at dinner, a friend of a friend came by and was talking and asked if he could take me out for a drink....I said no ofcourse but was defo an ego boost.

So what does that mean for for you? I'll tell you in case you don't have it figured out.

When the fear of being alone the rest of your life comes over you, or you feel like a loser, or you get so lonly you are tempted to call OM, or reasonable facsimile, you can remember, its just your ego talking.

Ok, time for a little of constants opinion on ego, 101. I would throw in a disclaimer, but you allready gave me a crystal ball, and crystal balls trump all reasonable disclaimers in the, "why did you listen to him anyway.." dept. Did you get the friendly zing ?

The ego is described as our importance in the world, as if and when we matter to it. A large ego generally is described when someone thinks the world revolves around them, and a small one is when we think we don't matter. Most people think that large egos, based on that criteria and description, make people selfcentered and impossible to please, so they are looked down upon and the ego is pushed to the back of the priorities because they want to stay ,er, "nice". But because the description describes an inflated ego that also does not respect others in order to exist, many times people confuse a good self-image, and a pro-active approach to life, with having a big ego.

My thoughts are this ..It is good to have a large ego, to feel important to the world, and that everything we do matters in the big scheme of life. The trick is to understand its not our feelings that might lead us astray in abusing or useing others as much as our lack of conscience of doing so. If our conscience is healthy, and we have boudaries that we respect, it will warn us before we overstep our bounds. Feelings need to line up with what is right and decent behavior, in order to trust them to be our guide. So really, when our feelings let us do something destructive, it is because we accept that behavior in ourselves, and justify it. It wasn't feelings that overpowered us, it was our proper respect regaurding our behavior, or lack of it.

This applies in business just as much in our personal life, so its not just about personal relationships, not to say business practice is not a relationship too. They have a lot of simularitys.

So, if you want to impact the world and change what you feel is wrong with it, you NEED a big ego, just what is the influence you really have, and what can you do, except what is reasonable? What is more important, the power, or the result? All successful managers realize that the health of thier staff, and thier time and efforts, got them to where they are. They don't let it go to thier head, because the old adage, "Be kind to who you meet on the way up the ladder, because you will be seeing them again on the way down", is never seen unless they lose touch with how important others are.

Or more to the point, the smaller you know you are, and what you stand for is more important, the bigger your impact might be, but its not about you, its about what you stand for.

So thats business, and what I believe is the real reason for authority in it is to help others not just to be in charge, and prove it.

But back to the ego. What kind of life would it be, if you minimized everything you did, and found youself of no value? Like you didn't really matter? Well of course that would be a crappy life, and we would feel like we could do anything we felt, because it doesn't matter anyways. That disease is contagious also, because what we do DOES effect others also, even if we don't care what it does to us. What we don't do, is just as important as what we do.

So her it is, after all that babble, ..What part of your ego image, did the guy who hit on you effect? What did he treat you like, and was he really interested in you, or a playmate? All those things are the up front questions you should be asking yourself, and being angry or flattered depends on his intentions.

But when you feel lonely or down, you can remember that thoses options, and the people who exercise them, are still out there, and there will be some good guys around, when you are ready, and your not yet, and its gonna be OK.

Harmony,

Sorry your are down. Now get up! Seriously you are actually doing very well. I just thought I would point something out to you. You posted


Do you realize you have a role model to follow? It would seem you do, it is your Sis. I know it is hard for you to see right now with all that is happening, but you do have blessings in your life. One of which is you get to say what ever you need to your Dad and share with him. I know it is sad, but you are getting an opportunity that many don't.

Also don't be so hard on those that don't know what to say. They just have not lived through it, or something like it in their lives. Folks have lived through these things, whether it is divorce or losing a parent or even a spouse or child.

I'm not saying, "you don't know how bad it could be." I'm saying you will be heard by those that have similar experiences. Others will just be well intentioned, but sometimes not very helpful.

You are getting far enough along for me to share with you what I wish for you in your next step. What I wish for you next is: GRACE.

It has many meanings but it is such a wonderful word and a wonderful state to be in. I wish for you to learn to conduct your life with "GRACE", handle people with "GRACE", and accept the good and bad in your life with "GRACE"..

Interestingly, the people I know that do, have boundaries very strong boundaries, but they have learned how to protect them with minimum damage to others. Such care is called handling it with "GRACE".

Please think about this word as you deal with all that you are dealing with. I really think it will change your life if you learn how to live in and with GRACE.

God Bless,

JL

More on some stuff..

I allways liked women who others called stuck-up, just because they wouldn't go out on a date with them. It made me laugh.

You don't have to be the life of the party, or a suffering servant, to be a good person, or a good friend.

Direct and honest people who don't make excuses for themselves, and won't buy them from others, are the best friends. They also seem to have the most peace.

Less is more, and keeping it simple is very nessesary, otherwise you might think yourself stupid. Kinda..KISS Keep It Simple Stupid.

There is something to be said about pyschiatry/psychology being "headshrinkers" and them "sorting out" that massive mess of thoughts that are in our head, and getting back to basics of life.

(Psst.. my screen name used to be "sortingitout" )

Missing out on some things is a blessing in disguise. being aggravated into a dare is a fools game. I should know.

If you care about your life, you will have times of suffering and questioning your actions while you change it. To run away from that is denial and being a child. We are allways learning.

The human brain is a marvelous organism and humans did not design it, accept that and care for it, along with your thoughts, which is what it is for, to learn from pain, and help others avoid, not cure, the mistakes you or others make. Sorry if that sounds to "motherly" but I don't care really, life is valueable, and to short to waste on selfdestructive behavior.

Time, and the proper enviroment, heals all wounds. Taking a chance here sounding sexest, and don't think I don't realize that people are all different and there is an exception to every rule, but.
I think women generally are more sensitive to thier imediate enviroment, and they instintivly know a bad one. I also believe it is comepletly a blessing in marriages and a man should be sensitive to that, while creating an enviroment of safety, for his wife and family.

Because you don't have that option now, and you haven't most of your life, with SD and real Dad being unavailable, I believe you need to seek out a safe place to be, think, and slow down to relax. This forum is probably part of that, but plan B, counsel with DR H, and maybe a personal counselor you trust and respect would go a long way for anybody, you too.

Stay away from situations that stimulate a need to respond as much as possible, till you have had time to really sort it out. It matters, you matter, and you are getting stronger all the time.

Have a good nite Harmony

Hiya Guys

Well as Clarks suggestion made today a Harmony fun day. I looked after my 12 year old niece and took her with me to go and see my mum. Bought them both back to mine and we went for a walk in the snow and had a big snow ball fight! Came back to mine and a friend popped round with some wine and choccies. So house has been full of life which has been great.

Thought a little about H today, missing him and wishing he could be around. Although don't get me wrong I am missing old H not the person he turned into. I wish he could be around and have decided if things don't work out I want to be with someone who is full of life and positive mental attitude! I remember the OM was quite dour and deep and I didnt like it.....

I am appreciating the darkness of Plan B. I do still wander why H behaved the way he did towards me and how painful it was. I had a nightmare last night about a humiliating situations that H put me in, it was all very painful. Plan B literally saved me. I do wonder if H has met someone else and what it will take to bring him out of the fog.

I started to think about the things SH said to me about how to act during Plan B, which was not to be totally dark and think SH has a reason for this. For example SH said not to change the locks or get rid of all his stuff, I think it is because he does not want me to wind H up but just really let him know that I will not tolerate OW. It has been 6 weeks since H left and he has only made a couple of attempts to move back. Either he has really checked out the rship or has someone else.

When I spoke to H and had an hour conversation talking about some of the things JL said, H ended the convo by saying OK Harmony I understand but we just need a little time appart, JL maybe you can add some wisdom here, why is he doing this? Has he no intention of getting back with me but just doesn't want anyone else to have me? Is he keeping his options open? Or is it a sensible idea?

Would appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks again all and JL, I actually feel like I am doing well and like the idea of GRACE being my new middle name.

Now that makes sense, Steves advice, specially cause WH was on the edge and prone to violence. I don't think he would check out of the relationship unless he had someone else, or was at least playing the field. He seems to need a womens attention in some way.

You sound good Harmony. I hope my posts are helping you instead of triggering you and sounding way out in left field. Please tell me if I am going to far. I am not fishing for a compliment, rather I will back off if you don't need any reading material, lol. I am just throwing observations and different viewpoints out there to help you see things differently, instead of gloom and doom repetative thoughts.

JLs statement about your sis is a good idea, and I don't think she feels sorry for you because you are not in her position. I think maybe she identifies with how painful your sitch is, and wants you to know she understands.

I think because you are in this valley right now, and many emotional issues are troubling you, that it will work out better in the end because you are looking at every angle. We do our best changing in the valleys of life, and the depression is part of change and growth, even though I wish nobody had to go thru it. Its part of life and we want to help support, while you go thru it.

Sometimes, with me anyway, it helps to see things from a different angle, or outlook, and I need that and even search for it, to help things make sense. Many times something will have a different meaning, if I am open to it, as long as I remain grounded and realistic with prioritys in check. But that is part of reasoning we go thru in the seemingly endless time we wait and the truth allways sticks out in the end of the tunnel.

Just something about grace, it a beautiful thing, from the Bible, if I may.
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James 4:5-7 (New American Standard Bible)

5Or do you think that the Scripture (A)speaks to no purpose: "[a]He jealously desires (B)the Spirit which He has made to dwell in us"?

6But (C)He gives a greater grace Therefore it says, "(D)GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE."

7(E)Submit therefore to God (F)Resist the devil and he will flee from you.


Footnotes:
a.James 4:5 Or The spirit which He has made to dwell in us lusts with envy
Cross references:
A.James 4:5 : Num 23:19
B.James 4:5 : 1 Cor 6:19; 2 Cor 6:16
C.James 4:6 : Is 54:7; Matt 13:12
D.James 4:6 : Ps 138:6; Prov 3:34; Matt 23:12; 1 Pet 5:5
E.James 4:7 : 1 Pet 5:6
F.James 4:7 : Eph 4:27; 6:11; 1 Pet 5:8

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=James+4:5-7&version=NASB#cen-NASB-30343A
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If you are into it, or a believer that wants to learn from the scriptures, this is a great place to start learning how much God loves you, and has plans of a good future for you. Its the best support system ever, and where I go to eat when I need to be filled with truth.


Have a great weekend, keep up the good work.

Been Reading back through some earlier posts, well predicted Bubbles I let him sweet talk me into giving him the key

It all just really hurts. I am trying to climb my way out of this but it hurts. My bro arrived from Oz this morning to see my Dad, bro is staying with me so nice to have him in the house with me. Took him to see Dad I think he had quite a shock. Weird seeing Dad today, I kissed him, told him how much I loved him and how he was the best Dad. He had no energy but he managed to squeeze out 'I know chooks' and kissed me. This is hard I don't really want him to go.

Hard too without H around, it feels like he doesn't care. I am not sure how I feel about that, in conflict maybe, part of me misses and loves him and part of me struggles. All I know is that hurts too. I had another nightmare about him last night, I was stuck and couldn't get over him whilst he was getting on with his life and women and no longer cared.

Will I ever get over H?

JL - I have question for you if thats ok. Why do you think H is asking for 'time appart'? He said it in a good way, he listened to what I had to say and then he said, OK, I think we just need a little time appart....

Just wondered thats all.

Hi Harm,

Have not had time much to look at many stories here - I did look at Writer and MJ and posted, but that pretty much exhausted my time.

Still, wanted to wish you well, even tho I just glanced and skimmed your most recent posts. All I can say right now is that you have stayed and are trying, an no matter the outcome of your current situation and your marriage you are quickly becoming one of the valuable veterans here. I am meaning that in a very postive way Harm.

Am preparing for Char to be here next Wed. for a two day stay.

Tonight, well taco night. Just wish she was here tonight to enjoy as well. And no not a western, but going to catch up on "The Walking Dead" serious. Yea, am 68, but one of the films Char and I saw when dating was night of living dead at a drive-in in Madison WI back in 1968.

Anyway, one of my thougths is to attempt to make baked lemon chichen for us for next week - like chicken breasts, lemon juice, rosemary, oregano, rice, green beans. I have never ever cooked chicken before...any suggestions.

Take care Harm.

Tom

Harmony,

My guess and it is only a guess is that he is hiding and avoiding making a decision. He cannot face what he has done and what you have done, thus avoidance seems to be his method of operating right now. He could be seeing one of the OW, but that would be guessing. His actions clearly indicate avoidance, the why is the mystery.

I will say that as you endure your Dad's illness that you consider your life in the future. I recommend that you start to realize that YOU must lead your life and share if fully with someone that wants to share it with you.

Just some thoughts.

God Bless,

JL