Baby

Will you please check this site out? There is a ton of free stuff that posibly could help us to salvage what is left.

You can post anonymously. As a WW (wayward wife) you may recieve 2 x 4's across the head from posters who have been or are currently the BS (betrayed spouse). Others are more than willing to help try and sort out, redirect, and open your mind to the MB's (Marriage Builders) concepts which may seem counter productive to our human instincts. Our instincts and feelings are what get us into trouble with A's (affairs).
As a FWH (former wayward husband) and currently BS I am not going to talk for you. I know I have greatly failed as a loving husband at times through out our M (marriage).
Angry outbursts (AO) Disrespectful judgements (DJ's) Lack of proper attention and care for you at times. Thats just the short list. I am trying though and this site is who I give credit to as helping me develop into a BETTER husband and person. <---->Not perfect-->Never will be.

Read-Read-Read-Ask questions. Read some more and post some more. These people don't know you yet they will help if you honestly seek help. Should a posters response really trouble you personally (not personal attacks) then there is an important point there to take a long look at.

I have watched M's that appeared to be dead on arrival transform into M's that are better than ever. It takes time, learning new ways, and practicing the new ideas.

At this point I have nothing to lose by asking this of you. You know where we are headed.

I will only be reading your posts. I will stay off your thread unless you specifically ask me to come on for some reason.

The post and a brief response below is just an example of a question that may be asked. I know we have talked about this issue before so I thought it may intrest you. Too bad the poster decided to bail. She may be back another day or may be Lurking. Hard to say.
Please read the basic concepts of the site below as this is the POV (point of view) where most posters will be coming from. Look at the number of posts a poster has when considering the advice. Many of the posters have thousands and know what they are talking about when it comes to advice or a POV.

Hope to see you on the board soon.

Basic Concepts of the site:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html

BD910's husband

I'm not your wife, but I think I would edit out the last part of your post. You should not be educating your wife. Let her read and learn on her own. I hope she will come here and let us help the two of you learn how to have a happy and loving marriage.

Hey this is the wife... this is crazy... yes i had an affair...it has been going on and off for 5 years...dont like this advice in these rooms... who spies,tape records,goes through personal stuff, hides personal stuff etc.. if you are unhappy get out...plan a plan b etc????? married 28 years we have both had affairs...maybe it is not meant to be... but i never did those crazy things...i was a grown up and left

It makes sense that you don't like the advice that is given here because it has been proven effective at ending affairs and recovering marriages.

Your not liking this advice makes it appear that you do not want to stop your affair. Is that so?

How long have you been married?

Got kids?

Would not the best solution be to fall back in love with your spouse, keep the family intact, and have not the same but a better marriage then you ever had before?

"Hey is this the wife", what kind of qualities does the OM have that makes him have the moral character to replace your husband?

Stealing, sneaking, taking what is not his? Are these good role models for your kids? Be fair here.

Can you take the time to give us a run down/time line of your marriage/affairs?

Read plan A.

How is that bad, learning and showing your WW that you are learning to be a good husband?

Did you read plan B?

Do you realize that it removes the BS from the affair being rubbed in their face.

How is that bad?

The needs for NC and transparency.

How is verifying the affair is over bad?

Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

What do you need to hide from your BH?



So you needed to vent. Good.

Now can you come back and talk about the questions that I asked?

I have been married 28 years and together 31...We have 2 children ages 27 and 17 and no it does not set a good example for them and they are not happy about the situation and have expressed it to me...this relationship with my hubby started when i was 15... he was 21... i married at 18...pregnant at 19...never knew who i was and maybe still dont...it has been filled with affairs and alcohol abuse by both of us...he is doing great... sober 24 years and hasnt cheated for 20...me im still working on getting sober...had over 10 years and never cheated...i dont do that when im sober...i have morals...so much between us i dont know what would work...have been with the other man on and off for 5 years...mainly lead on by drinking...but i have fun with him..do things...he makes me laugh and forget...he is wrong because i am married but i am even more to blame for bringing him in...i could have said no but have chosen not to...i liked him from the minute i moved into my neighborhood...yes theres the other problem he lives 4 houses down on the lake with us...he drives by every day...want to believe my marriage could work but i think there is too much between us...yes we have tried counseling,yes we have talked over the years about what we both need and no needs have never been met...i never dated and maybe dont know how to have a relationship...i do know what i want but have never gotten it...my hubby and i have always been best friends...but i wonder if there is more or if it has always been a friendship

Perhaps you are not in the best position to lecture anyone about being "grown up?" Maybe the affair is "not meant to be", did you ever consider that? All that spying and exposing is a great way to bust up an affair! We have one lady recently who busted up her husbands affair by exposing to the OW's FACEBOOK FRIENDS. It was awesome!

BD910, if your wife is currently in an affair, you have made a huge mistake by bringing her here and have only lost this place as a resource. Obviously, we can't help you with typical affair busting tactics and obviously we can't reason with a fogged out adulterer. Unless your wife is done with her affair there is nothing we can do to help you and this thread is little more than a board distraction.

People are here in the fight of their lives, trying to save their marriages and their families and they don't need to be distracted by a fogged out, unrepentant wayward. That is not fair to other folks here.

You made a huge mistake bringing an active wayward here and from the sounds of her post she is very wayward.

also, I just read that she is an alcoholic, so this is out of our hands. Marriage Builders cannot help an active alcoholic except maybe to help you get a separation. Plan A is most certainly NOT ever advised for drunks. It is impossible to meet the needs of an alcoholic because they are so screwed up emotionally.

In addition to separation [I would kick her out] I would call the police on her if she goes drunk driving and get her thrown in jail. If you are a recovering alcoholic you know how therapeutic jail can be for a drunk. I wish you the best.

What to Do with an Alcoholic Spouse

Here is the problem, BD910. She is an alcoholic and is very destructive. It will be up to you to stop her if you can and prevent her from harming others.

Is her OM married? If so, his wife should be told of the affair ASAP. Everyone should know about the affair. That will be the first step in busting it up. Do that, and then look into Alanon meetings.

See an attorney and find out your legal rights in your state. Can you file for divorce on grounds of adultery in your state? In many states you have a distinct legal advantage by filing on grounds of adultery. You can then have the OM hauled into court to give testimony under oath about his adultery. Your lawyer can force him and your WW to turn over all their emails and cell phone records to the court in discovery. I would find out what you can do.

Keep in mind that the only thing that works with a drunk is TOUGH LOVE. That is all they will respond to. You might not be able to save your marriage, but this would be your best chance if it is possible. You will probably have to go into Plan B and make it a condition of her return that she stop drinking for life and attend regular AA meetings. Otherwise, she is dangerous to you.

Hey guess what... alkies have feelings too...i am working on sobriety and have had over 10 years clean in the past...going to meetings, church, working with my pastor...glad your life is perfect...sorry this is such a distraction...but my family IS IMPORTANT...guess what...we all have to start somewhere to recover

this is the wife...no the other man isnt married and we have a no fault in our state ...yes he has filed for divorce...yes he has written all the letters and exposed the affair...we are working with our pastor...31 years is a long time and we are sorting through stuff to see if it can be saved...

Get over yourself, BD. MelodyLane is a recovering alcoholic. Is her advice hitting too close to home for you? If it stings, read it twice.

And why the hell would you show your WW this site? How can we help you now?? I'll just say, Read the Articles. Maybe there's something in it that will stand out to her.

Sorry to speak up for you, Mel.

Who is writing letters? To whom has the affair been exposed?

my husband wrote the letters to my family,my affair partners family, neighbors etc. he left for 6 months and moved back in with me...he has filed for divorce from me and has yet to sign the papers... we are trying to sort it all out... we are working with our pastor and no i am not seeing the other man...and if she is a recovering alkie she should know how messed up things can get and that it takes time to sort them out

To MR BD910, this is good that you have filed for divorce. I would strongly encourage you to pursue this divorce and go into an airtight Plan B by separating. She is manipulating you and trying to buy time by saying "it takes time to work it out." She is extremely abusive and will only continue to abuse you and use as long as you allow it. Essentially you are enabling her by making yourself available to be abused.

As you and I both know, alcoholics are professional liars and con artists who will say and do anything to protect their scuzzy, destructive behavior. The part of her brain that controls empathy and sanity is DEAD, so she say anything to keep you around and abuse you some more.

I would separate until she a) stops drinking for life and b) ends her affair for life. If the divorce goes through, you will have lost NOTHING. If she ever changes, then you can remarry.

I would also suggest putting your house on the market and MOVING. You can't recover as long as the scumbag OM lives right next to you anyway. If she ever does sober up and get serious, she could follow you to your new home.

ok, if you are "trying to sort it all out," then when was the last time you drank? What are you doing about drinking problem?

And when was the last time you saw the loser OM?

It takes no time "sort things out," honey. Don't try that crap on me. What ACTIONS have been taken to recover your marriage?

This is a lie. They don't have "feelings." That part of their brain is anesthetized. This is why they can be so be abusive of their spouses and others.


If you are "working on sobriety" then what is your LD date? How many AA meetings have you attended this week? Describe your program of recovery.

I am attending 2-3 meetings a week...not alot in the boonies where we live...but also doing them on line...in contact with my recovery coach from Hazelden..have just gotten a sponsor...have been open and honest with my family ,his family and my extended family about the drinking and the affair...trying to own up to my mistakes and be honest for the first time in a long time...no alkies dont have feeling when they are drinking...but it is hell when they sober up and realize all the hurt and pain they have caused their loved ones...and wonder if the can ever make up for it...my hubby went to this sight for help...i am here for help...i want to know if it is truely possible to put back together such a broken marriage...hence we are going to be meeting with our pastor weekly as a couple...no more of just me talking to him...i am truely here to ask for help

As you know, we alcoholics are real good at talking the talk but not walking the walk. And I see you did not answer my questions.

1. when was your last drink? the last time you were in a bar?

2. when was the last time you saw this loser?

Online doesn't count. And there are meetings in every "boonies." I have even started AA meetings in the boonies.

What step are you on?

I told my husband to sign the divorce papers... i have already gone to court once...i told him that he needs to do what is best for him...no game...i have been on the other side of an affair with him years ago and i do know how much it hurts...i am finally at a point in my life where i understand the consequences of my actions and that i caused this to happen with my drinking and my affair...i truely believe it is in Gods hands and what happens will happen...i am not a victim i have been the abuser