I read Mimis over the weekend and am half way through Scotlands thread.

I have been unsure about Plan A, Plan B but think when the WH has gone no Plan A will work, mine moved out to "stay with a friend Joe, on 13th September 2010".

He told the children he would probably be back by the weekend, we were not arguing we just didn't speak anymore. I lost all respect for him and him for me.

He met a girl (19) he is 37 on the Sunday and said to me on the Tuesday "this isn't working is it"?? I said "no, do you have somewhere to go?" Yes, then go..............

The following morning his ex friend told me he had actually moved in with a girl who has 2 children and WH has known her 48 hours, he then called back to say he made it all up (after WH drove from work in tears after MY CALL (I told him he was dead to me) - threatened him)

That first week was a bit of a blur, I think i may have drank lots and I REALLY DID NOT think he was with an OW/G?????

Until the Sunday morning when I received a call from a female saying she was worried about my husbands health and to stop texting him??? Erm...."who is this?" "It's his girlfriend"!!! I blew up, she hung up saying I was a mad woman, I was a mad woman.

The second week, he did phone one night saying something along the lines of him being an idiot and he gets himself into things and she has 2 children calling him Dada! (SICK)If I had asked him to come home then I think he would have but I didn't.

Since then, its texting secret calls asking if we can ever get back to where we were, me forwarding OW texts her thinking I am sad enough to sit and make them all up. I have read SAS 4 times, his Needs her Needs, he cannot get how we could ever get over this, whilst I seem to have opened my mind to the fact that I know what i was doing, ignorning him altogether (I was very depressed and on mongo pills (his words) I had hoped after finding this site, we may reconcile much to the disgust of anyone I have mentioned this to.

They have lied about her being pregnant, his moods jump from
day to day as do him emotions

He has seen his children twice since then, 1 due to him being so IN LOVE and 2. because OW detests me and will not allow him him to speak/see/text me.

He has however played games with my mind since he left.

I think if I had Plan B'd then he would be back, but I didn't I cried, begged, let him come here, begged for his help, thought I was emotionally dying at times, I still do. I let him inside my head even up until last week asking "how can we ever get over this???" and "why? why? why?" and "I thought YOU were changing" and "I Miss ALL of you" (last week).

Yesterday I exposed to OW/G family but they didn't seem too bothered their daughter is sleeping with a married man, they H & OW say it is not an affair as he had left the house......

Mind games, I am going deep Plan B from today and have been on quiet Plan B since last Thursday.

Unfortunately OW takes substances so I have had to have a lawyer send him a letter explaining all contact with his children will be at a contact centre as I cannot have him here and believe it or not we have NO IM as no-one will deal with H.

Yesterday I dealt with the wrath of him not being here to pop in and see them Xmas morning.

It sucks and it hurts and I feel emotionally drained so for my wellbeing I will be Plan B with the possibility of Plan D as H loves his OW deeply.

Oh I just received a text saying "I truly hope you and boys of as I do worry??"

Barsteward. He has paid not a penny since he left, was off sick with depression for 4 weeks (some affair), I have contacted CSA so they are now handling this. Sometimes I don't even know if I want him back. and I REALLY DO NOT WANT ANSWER HIS TEXT!!!!!!!!!! BUT I DO!!!

So so sad. A family ruined. All because I was depressed, didn't care for any needs.

Well, I cooked.

I think it might be time to go see a lawyer, he can't just walk away from you, your are his wife, I would let him go and move on unless he totally changes, it's not right to have an affair/relationship while you are married to someone else......
This isn't about what you didn't do, this is about your husband not having any boundaries..........
I would only say you will hear from my lawyer about the details as long as you are in contact with the OW and I wouldn't answer him myself, get yourself together, take care of you and the kids, move on and show him that life without him will go on for you..................
good luck

Thank you, after talking with friends, family and Lawyer I have decided just to cut completely off from him and let the Lawyers deal with the children.

Short of a personality transplant (him) I may well be heading for Plan D.

Tilly, I am glad that you read Mimi's thread and I am sorry you are reading mine(it is LONGGGGGG).


You CAN and SHOULD go into Plan B. Do you have a letter written up? You don;t have ONE person in your life who is willing to communicate with your WH through email even? You NEED an IM.

Have you exposed this A to EVERYONE? You should expose on both sides. Does OW have a FB page? You should expose to all of her friends.

The fact that your WH is "in lurve" with his OW is a completely typical thing for a WS to say. There have been MANY marriages that have recovered where the WS said they loved the AP and they were NEVER coming back to the BS.

Hi Scotland and well done to you!!!

Your name is very relevant to me.

I exposed to his family when it happened and they are very religious, his Father now refuses to speak to him, his mother speaks to him occasionally, my family would like to do lots of bad things to him.

Yesterday I felt HER family should know what he has left behind, so I exposed.

Tonight I have received many texts, one telling me he has been to see about a Divorce as he is not having an affair and I advised him yesterday he was, as he was married, to me.

He is also is very angry about not coming to sit with the boys for an hour on Xmas morning so has decided to apply for full custody. I did offer 5pm-7/8pm Xmas day but she has been on at him for weeks to divorce me and I guess he decided after my EVIL EXPOSURE, (I called her mother to explain about the 2 children he had abandonded and not paid for etc) he wants divorce he does not want to discuss the boys with me and he is delighted to be finally getting rid of me.

We don't really need to speak with each other just now as the Lawyers will be doing so.

Last week he missed me and wanted us to try again but wanted to meet face to face and talk about how we could do it after him having this affair.

I never thought I would want to save a marriage after an affair but I love him, I have spent 16 years of my life with him, I just want Plan B to take the pain away, I know it will not.

I find it very difficult to comprehend all of this.

I seen him this morning at 5.55am (he collects someone to take to work but does not have to drive by this house) he was rubbing the snow off my car windows and trying to look inside.

It's heartbreaking. He is like a different person.

My parents actually think I am having a nervous breakdown and called my GP, I managed to convince her I am not, although I have no idea what a Nervous Breakdown feels like, I am seeing GP tomorrow for a half hour appointment. Cannot seem to stop crying it all seems so final.

I cannot believe he has done this to us. Sorry, yes I sent a Plan B letter 2 weeks ago which has been completely ignored and thoroughly laughed over by both of them.

Tilly36, not that I think you need more on your plate to consider, but I would suggest you think about this as well.

Reading your account presents a WH who has, speaking mildly, acted in recent weeks in ways not easily understood nor predictable. And you tell us that his lady-friend is a known user of substances. I would posit that you will soon discover that your WH is engaging in some recreational substance usage of his own.

I leave to you how to protect youself, your family, and your interests from what will likely prove to be an increasingly erratic chain of actions and positions by him, but keeping this in mind (and sharing this possibility with your legal advisor) would be advisable.

While it is true that you could watch a WS for substance abuse, I would also like to point out that ALL WS's act like a different person when they are in an affair. That is why we repeatedly tell BS's that this person they are dealing with is NOT their SPOUSE but an alien in their place. My WH has done MANY things that he NEVER would have done previously. He has NEVER been on drugs. WSs ARE ADDICTS to the A, however, so they act very much like any other type of addict.

Tilly, would you be able to post your Plan B letter up here so we can see what you said to him. You MAY need to re-write it so it is more effective. Also, you need to get an IM so you DO NOT have any contact with your WH.

How old are your children? Have you exposed to them?

You need to let exposure do it's work. If there are members of your family who want to do and say some horrible things to your WH, let them. That is ONE reason why you are exposing.

Take care of yourself and stay strong. You WILL get through this.

I am actually using my old laptop at the moment and it does not have the Plan B letter on it.

I used a sample but changed it, it's 3 pages long, telling him whilst I love him and then a few paragraphs about where I knew I had gone wrong in our marriage and was could never undo the past I would live with it for the rest of my life.

I then went onto say we would have to sort something out for the children but his affair and all the texting/calling from him and OW/G was/is making me ill so as much as I loved him and treasured our 16 years together I would have to take a chance and seperate myself from him completely.

I said our marriage wasn't good but we could have a better marriage in the future but not whilst OW was in the picture.

My boys are 6 & 10. The 10 year old knows something but not all, WH accused me of poisoining their minds so I then changed it back to him staying at Johns???? the 10 year is not silly though.

I do think he is taking something and have heard he is taking something, hence my visit to the lawyer for contact only at a Contact Centre. He will not have received this yet but when he does I expect another blow up.

When he was visiting here in the first few weeks, he spoke of coming back when "Mummy was better" ha!

There is many parts of me love him, hence crying myself to sleep at night, then the thought of him being with this horrible person who I would never have expected him to be with and us re-building after it seems impossible.

This is why I have decided deep Plan B as my parents phoned the GP as they thought I was heading for a Nervous Breakdown, I see her again today, I have been put on some tranquillisers in the meantime and told to bin the phone.

I cannot bin the phone, it feels like my only way back to him.

Oh this is so confusing I am crying again. I love him but after being with such a horrid horrid female, could I take him back? Hopefully Plan B will let me step back and the hurt may stop sometime soon.

We married young, he was my best friend, my only close friend (all in the letter) and he has done this.

Why do people automatically try set you up on dates? Or say "Oh it's Xmas soon lots of men".

Yuck. I would rather be a Nun.

There he is phoning, I have put it to answer machine. Next will come the hurtful text from OW/G.

Tilly, I am so sorry you are hurting.. but please believe me that if you keep an air tight Plan B you will feel better than you have in months in a few short weeks! But you must cut off ALL contact. That means you do not take his calls, listen to his messages or read any texts from them. NOTHING. You shut that door and let nothing through.ll

You will SUFFER every time you give into the temptation to let them through. Slam that door tightly shut, dear!!

Tilly, I am so glad you have your parents to support you.

Do you have an intermediary who is handling any communication between you and your H?

Thank you very much for helping me.

Tomorrow is a new day and I WILL Plan B. I have had many texts back and forth today, one him rambling about divorce then, right after it (she must have left for a min) he sent another apologising and saying he is confused and to ignore his text.

This then progressed to him asking if I did want him back as he has lost his job and with IT. I said, no I don't want you back but I will always have feelings for you. he replied that if I have no intention of it working can I please leave him to try and make a life.

Why did I say that ?? (because I never know if it is him or her) I texted later to say, regarding your questions earlier, yes and for my family.

I then sent him a text (I KNOW) saying he must be very confused and if he would like I could send him a book which may help him understand his thoughts/actions/confusion.

This caused further arguments, I am not ALLOWED to text him.

This turned into them having a HUGE argument and me telling him not to worry he would never be homeless.

I also told him I will never ever answer another call (he calls when she works) as he is messing my head up too much.
Great Plan B (NOT).

All contact with the children will be through a contact centre as I am unsure if he is taking substances as I know IT does. How much hate can a person have for someone? I detest IT. Never seen it, but have heard IT and ITs very very rough.

My GP was great, she understood why I wanted him back but said something along the lines of what J. Harley would say, he has to be (cannot remember the word) before I even consider taking him back.

I feel terrible with this all falling at Xmas but he has only seen them twice in 3 months and suddenly he REALLY misses their VOICES and FACES etc.

Tomorrow is a new day. I threw SAA under my bed last night I was angry with them for making me have hope.

Tilly, take a breath. Now, you are going to need to do some things. What I suggest is that you go into a completely DARK Plan B. Make it AIR TIGHT.

I would suggest that you get an IM that would understand their role. You then should re-write your Plan B letter and make it more like the one in SAA. Post it here for some feedback and send it tomorrow. Do you have IT's email? I would send IT a copy too. You will also need to tell BOTH of your children about their father's A. They are not stupid, and you should tell them what is going on in their family.

In short, Plan B IM, letter, tell kiddos and go DARK.

Tilly, I would suggest you send him a Plan B letter and START Plan B. You have the Plan B letter in the book SAA. I would send that tonight and then shut er down!

Okay so another letter, tell both boys ? The 6 year old ?, I will do that tomorrow and am turning my phone off as of now.

Should I make the letter briefer?

The last was 3 pages long but was linked to me from affaircare.

Yes,I need a short, to the point Plan B letter. It was very much like the one from Surviving an Affair, it's possibly in tatters now, she reads all mail, screens texts, calls.

Insecure ? Poor IT. (NOT)

She replied to my last text to him, asking who is XYZ text back (I know her texting style).

I answered "noone you would know skank".

Yes, you should even tell the 6yo. I told BOTH of my boys last year and they were 6 and 9. DS7 does NOT talk to WH on the phone now because he is mad. They even call OW, "Evil Princess." It is good for them to know what is going on.

Here is the link for the thread about the PB letter from SAA. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2421094#Post2421094

Do you have an IM?

Don't turn your phone off just block his number or any number you know he might call on, also block email and facebook.

Stay dark and good luck

Thank you for your support once again.

I spoke with my brother and he has agreed to act as IM even though he thinks I am living in La La Land and cannot understand why I would want WH back. I explained I do not want WH back I was H back the H he used to be not WH.

I will speak with the boys tonight, and post off another Plan B letter.

Going Dark from today for definate and there were no more texts exchanged last night.

How do I explain this to the boys ?

Perhaps, Dad has ???????? dirty junkie slapper instead of us.

No that will not work.

Dad has met dirty slapper (will change that) and has decided he loves her, Mum still loves Dad and Dad still loves you boys the same and that will never ever change. He is not staying with John, he is living with dirty skank slapper (will change that bit) and her children now. Mum wants Dad to come home and be a family again but she cannot make Dad do anything and right now he is happier where he is ???

Please feel free to amend or add anything to this or take any bits out.

It doesn't sound "fluffy" enough.

Simply tell them that Mommy can't talk to Daddy anymore because Daddy has chosen to be with his girlfriend (and Daddies aren't supposed to have girlfriends). Explain that it is very hurtful and so that's why you can't have contact with him.


Explain that THEY can have contact, of course.

Good! Does he understand that he is to act as a spam filter and only pass on pertinent information? ONLY the bare facts about visititation and finances. If your WS sends him a rambling tirade about what an [censored] you are, you should never see or hear it.


Be straightforward with your children and tell them why adultery is immoral. Don't use weasel words and don't beat around the bush, that just confuses kids.

Keep the Plan B letter to about 3-4 paragraphs.

Sounds like you have a good plan. You will do great!