Hi there.

This is the thread with my original story and questions: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2448912#Post2448912

I do have a question regarding Plan B. I have read here that the success rate of Plan A is not high. Didn't I read that there is about an 85 percent chance that Plan A will not be successful? What is the success rate then of Plan B? Especially since Plan B is also very risky?

Have any of you done modified plan B? As in not using an intermediary but only have contact for emergencies or for an important message regarding the kids?

praying, I tried to read your other post but it is waaay to long. CAn you summarize your situation here in 3 paragraphs?

To answer your question, when an affairee won't end his affair, the odds are not great that you will save the marriage. There are no good options. Plan A works in about 15% of the cases, and we don't know how often Plan B works. WE do know that the worst plan is Plan "C" for compromise <--that is the most likely to lead to divorce.


Doing nothing is more risky. Or doing a "modified Plan B" is more risky.

I look at it this way

Plan B might not save the marriage
but
its the best chance for a marriage to be saved
and
the best chance to save yourself. To recover your own life....with or without the marriage.

In plan A, that sounds scary. You want to not even consider the plan not getting what you want, a saved marriage that thrives. You figure as you go though that you are only able to control your own actions and you must get out of the drama of the affair and not add fuel to stoke it.

Plan B does that and more.

Thank you for the replies thus far. They are helpful...a bitter pill but helpful!!!! Melody, I will try to condense my post tonight and then repost in this thread. Thanks!!

When in Plan B, you are, really, insulating yourself while waiting for the affair to die the natural death of most affairs.

Dr Harley says that most affairs die within six months of exposure to friends and family. The vast majority of those that do not die soon after exposure die within two years (of the WS leaving and going with the OP, I believe).

The total figure of those that die, either within six months or two more years, is well over 80%.

Therefore, the odds are greatly on your side that your H's affair will not become a life-long marriage, regardless of when or whether you go to plan B. It will end if you do nothing at all; even if you put up with it and allow him to have his skanky mistress. (We do not recommend that, though!)

However, what Dr Harley says in the articles I linked is that the WS might not go back home when the affair ends. He might have got used to living without the BS. That is why Plan B is a risky strategy; separation carries its own risk.

The presence of children in the marriage, and the efforts you made during Plan A, will increase his chances of going home, but I don't know of any figures about this.

As was said earlier, if a WS does not end his affair quickly, then there are no good options. There is one option with a poor chance of success )Plan A) and another that is "risky" (Plan B). However, I see many cases here where Plan B is short and brings the WS home quickly. I don't see as dismal a picture as Dr Harley might be implying.

I certainly don't think a BS should ever decide to try and outlast the affair, and out-love the OP for as long as it takes, in fear of losing the WS. The risk is very high that she will lose her sanity first. The BS must also consider what being a willing abuse victim will do for the WS's future attitude to the marriage.

I had a thought when I was reading your post that you could condense each paragraph into one key sentence.