Hello. I am new to the site. Here is my story. My husband of 3 years (weve been together 7)...had an affair with an old high school girlfriend. She was leaving her husband..needed a shoulder to cry on...he and I were having problems..one thing led to another. I know the girl pretty well. Shes not a bad person, just not the brightest. The affair lasts about 2 months, he ended it on his own when things got better at home. I knew something happened beucase he turned into what I would call "my perfect husband." Come to find out a few months later, she is pregnant with his child. (This is also a miracle baby for her, she had been through years of fertility treatmens and even adopted becuase pregnancy just wasnt in her books).
Anyway, he tells me, I leave....then decide to giveit a try (based on the 360 he has done over the past new months.) Things between he and I arereally good. Things between she and I are fairly good. We all are acting like adults, realizing that it will take all of us to make this work...if I am staying. She has even asked us both to be in tth delivery room. Im sure this is a condescending way to makeme go through pain....but its all about perspective. I sort of see it the other way around honostly.
Anyway, through counseling and reading a lot...I feel like things are going well. Im not nieve, just optimistic. I suppose my question is...does this ever work out. It seems I dont know of any situations like this where everyone gets a long and makes it work. Most of the time someone gives up rights, or someone leaves. So it would be a bit warming to know there is someone in the world who has made this work. ....?

Hi,
I am so sorry you find yourself, but you are in the right place.

First of all, when is the child due? She *says* it's his, but we don't know this yet.

Secondly, he is ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY not allowed to have ANY C with OW. PERIOD. Is she still married? Does her H know of A? If she is still married, her H needs to know ASAP. EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE

Once the OC is here, if you want, get a DNA test done immediately. If OC is not his, then you just have an A and betrayal to deal with. If OC is his, then the real circus begins. We did a private DNA. Hindsight, I would have waited until OW came after us, but I had to know for me if OC was my H's.

Do you have children together? How dare she ask for both of you to be in the delivery!!! That is NUTZ.

(((SM2Be)))

The child will be here Thursday. Yes, we are getting a DNA. Yes she is legally married but had seperated from her husband just before the affair. He is aware. We are getting the DNA of course to be sure.
We sought counseling and they said if he wants to be involved...it needs to be both of us or neither. I support him 100% being involved with the OC simply because I wouldnt have respect for him any other way. Im a firm believer that you cant bail on your responsibilities. So...we both went to a few doc appts. And we told her wed BOTH be in the delivery room or neither. AT that point, she said neither, then decided it would be the "right" thing to do to have both of there. (rather both than neither i suppose). I have had contact with her,there has never at any point been any conflict. It was as simple as "wow, holy crap, huge mistake now what?" type of situation for both of them..so there hasnt been any confrontation or drama. Its been as civil as it could possibly be, thus far. We do not have any children together.

Stepmom, welcome to MB. Have you read any of Dr. Harley's materials or concepts. Please get and read the book "Surviving an Affair" because first and foremost for the recovery and continued protection of your M is NC with the OW.

Hon, do not go into the delivery nor have your FWH there as well. The child won't know if he is there and I would strongly recommend NC with both OW and OC until DNA proves the OC to be your H's.

I suppose here is my issue with the NC with the OW. IF the C is his...he HAS to have contactwith the OW. Right? Is there a way at all to make it work otherwise?
I guess at the end of the day I feel he having a relationship with his flesh and blood is more important than our marraige. (I know that sounds a little harsh)...but its how I feel.

As fas as the delivery room goes. I dont "want" to be there...but at the same time..Im mentally taking away all the sentiment to prevent any further harm. And this was a recommendation by the couselor. To show that we are "in it to win it" and that if she wants HIM to have any contact with the C, then it will be with the both of us, not just him. Im obviously not excited about the situation...but I feel its the right thing to do for me. I know he did completely wrong, but I dont feel keeping him from things involving the baby is the way to punish him. I feel that would cuase resentment in the long run. If I turned the situation around...I would choose my child.

You really need to read up on Dr. Harley's approach to recovering from an A. Order the book "Surviving an Affair" today and in the meantime, read everything on this site.

This woman is NOT a friend to your M and you do NOT have to accept contact with her, even if the child is your H's and he wants to have C with the child.

There is no way to recover from an A if contact continues between your H and this OW. That is just signing yourself up for a lifetime of heartache and continued betrayals. There are people on this site with more than one OC. That's what continued contact can lead to.

I guess I should mention my reasoning behind a lot of this. Let's say we have NC with the OW whatsoever throughout the entire pregnancy and until DNA is proven. In this case, the OW is all worked up about getting even...he gets the max child support and a big custody battle. Making it difficult on ME.
My theory, if we keep things civil and caring now...we get to work things in our favor. Example, child support and custody have already been agreed upon in a very civil manor...making it EASIEST on me. I dont want to say we are manipulating the OW...but we are working to make it easiest on us, or me directly. His only contact with the OW is via text messaging (of which I have full copies of phone bills and convos) when I am around. Asking general questions about the baby. I guess I feel that if hes going to have another affair with her, well, then at least I will have tried doing the right thing. But so far...so good on all levels

Stepmom,
You are treading in dangerous waters. Please think about your marriage. Rest assured, she may not be getting worked up now, but chances of her getting worked up down the road are high, regardless. She is playing nice now to keep your H at arms reach. Keep in mind, she is likely wary that your H can sue HER for custody and CS just as well as she can sue HIM. She doesn't want rock the boat with your H for this very reason either.

H tells you his only C is through text, etc. But what's to say he doesn't have a secret prepaid cell? Not saying he does, but you have to play this offensively, not defensively. You need to be snooping, snooping, snooping and snooping some more.

There is no right answer in this sitch. You have to do what's best for you. But Dr. H recommends NC with OW or OC until the OC is 18. This is to protect your marriage.

Listen to Writer1 and FF. They know what they are talking about.

And no, if you choose C with OC, he does not have to have C with OW, even then. You or another intermediary do all the pick ups and drop offs. Pass a notebook between the two to communicate. He is to have NO CONTACT with OW, PERIOD. End of discussion....

Okay I could see that working, the third party deal. Or the notebook either one. I was thinking "no communication isimpossible" but I see the communication would be in the form of somethig other than actual contact. Gotchya!

I definately am trying to snoop. We have one account, direct deposits, no extra money on the side (that im aware of, of course). I keep very close tabs on his email,facebook,work email (all things he isnt aware I have access to). Any other recommendations when it comes to snooping? Im definately open if there is something Im missing.

I guess i just feel "Dr. H recommends NC with OW or OC until the OC is 18" is totally unfair to the child who is absolutely innocent. (obviously it works for some people, It would just kill me probbaly becuase ofmy faimly history) So thats definatley not an option in my book. But I will definately keep the communications you mentioned in mind, thats a great idea and we'll do that.
And yes, I do know that at some point in time whether its tomorrow or in ten years...she will flip. So im trying to stay prepared for that event.

OW will only keep things civil to get her way.

Again read up on NC, no contact with the OW for life for your WH.

WH can have shared custody but things must be done through the courts. Pick up and drop offs neutral place. Use
IM to forward info.

Don't let your WH be in the delivery room. It does nothing for the OC only helps him bond to OW. Once DNA proves that he is the father, then if you insist on C with the OC you must still maintain NC with OW. If you have no COM and believe that OC from brief A is more important than the wedding vows you gave to each other, then move on. But continuing C with OW and providing her with emotional support through her pregnancy and at delivery will contribute to OC number 2 coming into existence.

NC with OW can be done. Use and intermediary for drop off and pick up, use a notebook for communication of pertinent information. OW needs to find her own support person, NOT your WH.

FTS

FTS,

Great post!

Something ain't right here:


("Hello. I am new to the site. Here is my story. My husband of 3 years (weve been together 7)...had an affair with an old high school girlfriend. She was leaving her husband..needed a shoulder to cry on...he and I were having problems..one thing led to another.")

Why was OW leaving her H? What kind of problems were you and WH having? My point is when were you told about the A? How do you know the reason for OW and BH separating wasn't because perhaps OW and your WH weren't enagaged in their A for much lomger than you've been told?

("I know the girl pretty well. Shes not a bad person, just not the brightest. The affair lasts about 2 months, he ended it on his own when things got better at home. I knew something happened beucase he turned into what I would call "my perfect husband." Come to find out a few months later, she is pregnant with his child.")

His behavior could have changed because WH and OW were sceeming a way to get you on board with their A and resulting OC. Hate to say it but that's what I see here. It just doesn't make sense to me. Has WH really explained to you why they supposedly "ended it"? Do you know for sure when it started?

Stepmom, I'm not trying to be nasty here at all. You seem like a very nice person. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. I agree with others here that you need to read SAA. Have you posted on the Surving an Affair forum?