That is great feedback, MB, and what you described is pretty much what we do now. We don't expose to 1000 people because it is simply too time consuming.

However, you hit on the main point that others have made repeatedly on this thread:


Filing suit would bring MORE exposure of course, that would now be out on the public record. And I have to wonder how many juries would have sympathy for some as*hat who not only abused his spouse with an affair but then had the nerve to sue her for talking about it?? C'mon....

That cruel, vindictive scheme would enrage anyone with a heart.

And then we have MrW's suggestion that the threat of such a lawsuit in an attempt to punish the BS could actually be grounds for extortion.

If I were a BS, I would RELISH the thought of having my WS's adultery dragged out in court. And even more so, after he had the gall to sue me!

I relish the thought!

Of course an AP/WS could sue if they want but I really doubt any would go that route but to each his own. When Tramp-o-lean was foaming at the mouth mad and she threatened legal action, I told her to go right ahead...that I couldn't wait. Exposure was not the issue but still she thought she had been violated.

She shut up REAL fast when I told her I couldn't wait to see her on the stand explaining all the slimey details of the affair and that public records were GREAT for her words and deeds to be recorded for all to see...FOREVER!!!! Maybe I was supposed to feel sorry for her. Her BH also shut up as it turned out he was also a WS and didn't want to people to know that little detail. Pffffftttt

OW#2 aka Twatsicle knew I'd blast her publically (I connected the dots for her) so she slinked off as well...big surprise.

I was thinking the same thing ~ after d-day I so badly wished I could see all the erased text messages, etc. In the discovery process, I would guess you would probably gain access to all those records and not to mention have the opportunity to have your attorney grill the WS/OP in depositions. I would have welcomed all of that.

And as seeking pointed out, there is a good chance it would fall under your homeowners' which I think means they would pay the attorneys' fees... Sounds like win-win to me.

Of course I would think once the attorneys explained all of this to any wayward they would run screaming...

What a jackpot!!

Oh, I can see a real snowball effect, here. So the OP draws up on their high horse and decides to sue?

If I were the BS, I would threaten to counter-sue, picking one or more from the garden:
-alienation of affection
-criminal conversation
-vexatious litigation
-intentional infliction of emotional distress
-negligent infliction of emotional distress

Thank you for asking about this, and for giving us the information.

I think that we should try and incorporate these concerns into our exposure advice. The bolded sentence above seems a good idea to recommend for inclusion in an exposure letter.

I have a question, though, bliss, if you wouldn't mind please asking your friend:

1. Where you write

"The facts must be disclosed publicly. (ie Facebook.)" I wonder whether FB is indeed "public". If people's pages are set to "private", is this still "public"? If you can only be on someone site by invitation, is this "public"?

2. If it is, would sending a letter to a named individual (even if you send 50 at once) count as "public disclosure"?

3. Might a judge decide that adultery is a "matter of public concern"? After all, courts in our countries are normally open. We have the right to learn the details of matters discussed in courts. Criminal and civil offences are treated as matters of public concern; they are not decided in secret.

Divorce documents are public - at least in the USA. I'm not sure about Canada, but in the UK we can find out the broad details of a divorce.

What I mean is:

if a court can be told that my H had sex with Skankyho, and that is why I am petitioning for divorce,

and if the court hearing can be reported in national newspapers (UK) or the divorce documents looked up in a public records office (USA),

is telling the same facts to a third party via FB different, and actionable?

Phew. I'm confused by my own questions. I hope your friend can make sense of them!

Now, that's just MEAN.

Of course you violated her. You stopped her from shagging your H! You breached her civil rights!

I can't believe the auto-censor let that one through!

Dang, Sug, you're making my head numb!

I'll put a call in to him. And again, while I rub elbows with attorneys on a daily basis, I don't even play one on TV, but I'd say:

1. Facebook would be considered public if anyone can get the friends list without an invite.

2. I'd say yes, the same info is going out, over and over, which causes it to become general knowledge to the community/public. It could be construed as an act of vengence. That's why I'd say it's good to keep the number low enough that a court would assume that you took care to select your contacts, as opposed to shooting from the hip and blasting out a mass email. That would appear to be an inflammatory act.

3. This one, I'm afraid, has been relegated to a quaint, old notion, from the days when it actually WAS outrageous to commit adultery. That's why so many states no longer recognize adultery as a 'criminal' act.

As far as your divorce action: this is where it gets good as far as dragging the OP into court. The facts may well have to come out to defend the divorce lawsuit. That's not the same as voluntarily putting the fact of the A out to the public.

I think I need an aspirin.

Well, I am not MB's lawyer, but I am a lawyer.

The fact that a particular individual has committed "adultery" is definitely not a matter of "public concern". Public concern means something by its nature is considered to be of legitimate interest to the public. That means any member of the public would have an interest in knowing about X's adultery. It is a much narrower category than something, potentially, being made available to the public because it is part of a legal proceeding.

No one has yet engaged with the issue of what is eligible to be called "an affair" or "adultery". This site uses a pretty broad definition, incorporating EAs and even relationships that make one spouse uncomfortable. I'd be careful about how one describes the relationship to third parties if one does not have proof of its illicit nature.

ITA. That's why the BS needs solid proof before exposing.

It's an American autocensor. It doesn't even know how to pronounce that word. :p

I have stated a few times on this thread that I am asking for advice on exposing WHERE THERE IS PROOF.

The kinds of proof we have here include the WS's confession, the WS's moving out and living with OW, hotel bills, love-letters, text messages, emails, PI reports and legally-obtained voice recordings. (It is legal to put a voice recorder in your own house or car.) We NEVER advise exposure where the BS has only strong suspicions and no evidence. We have thread after thread here telling the BS to snoop and get evidence, then proceed from there.

We do not advocate exposure where there is no proof.

If the affair was an EA only, we wouldn't advise the BS to publicly call this "adultery". if there were text messages and love letters, however, we would tell the BS to tell the other spouse. The messages are proof of an EA.

We've never been stupid about this on this site, and I really don't wish to see us getting carried away by "what ifs" and outlandish hypotheticals.

We have long advised exposure here, as Dr Harley does. We have advised exposure on network sites where this seems appropriate. We have been told that we are inviting legal challenges by doing this, and the legal warnings from posters here seem to be increasing. Yet nobody, lawyer or lay person, has come up with a single case where a BS has been successfully sued.

Yeah well...she'll live.

I've often heard of OP threatening the BS with restraining orders for contacting the OP's family and friends.

HOWEVER, the OP can only get a restraining order against the BS is if the BS is contacting/harassing/threatening the OP directly. The OP has NO CONTROL over who else the BS talks to.

So, if a skankiola should threaten to get a restraining order against you for talking to her friends, tell her to kiss yo' grits!

I would gladly tell her to do that, but first I need to know what these are!

Oh, I love Southern sayings. I've learned such a lot during my time here!

Those Southern sayings are just charming, aren't they? Mel, why don't you and the other li'l gals down yonder explain just what you all mean with the 'grits' thing?

It's a polite way for a Southern lady to tell someone to ($*@ off.

"kiss my grits" is Southern ladynese for "kiss my @$$".

Grits is a food, SC. It's made of itty-bitty pieces of corn or hominy that are left after corn is ground for corn meal.

It's generally eaten as a breakfast food, with butter, salt, and pepper, but can also be mixed with other foods, such as cheese.

Wow, I just caught up on this thread and I'm actually laughing at the absurdity of some of this stuff. Guess if FB exposure is truly not worth the risk, then the people who created a "NO CHEATERS" FB page are in for a world of litigation.

Don't know if I can actually put their link on here, if not, I'm sure the mods will edit appropriately.

It's at: http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=61304842197

BTW, I've been MIA because my firm blocked MB so I can only read at night. I've been participating somewhat on another "new" forum during the day and find it sad that SOME posters there complain loudly about MB. It makes me mad sometimes, especially when I know a poster's history.

Anyway, good to see you guys again! I miss posting here as often as I used to. The new place is okay but a little confusing.

If I could figure out a way to get around the block, I'd be back here full-time.