So.. I haven't been here in quite some time. I found this site about almost two years ago, when things starting getting bumpy between my ex husband and me. As much help as MB was for ME, my effort alone was not enough to save my marriage, and Big D was served shortly after, and finalized a few months later.

After that, I was single for a while. I wanted to be at peace with everything that happened, rather than jumping into a 'rebound' relationship. I got back in touch with old friends, spent time with other [single and married] mothers, got back on my feet....

And then it just kinda happened. I ran into an old friend at the mall one day, and we sat and talked and caught up on what had happened in the last few years since seeing each other last. We exchanged numbers, and that was it [for then...].

Soon after, we started going out together with friends. We slowly realized how easy it was for both of us to just talk like we had known each other forever and never missed a day. Slowly a relationship started to build, and now things are getting more serious.

It has been over a year since the day we ran into each other, and just about a year since we decided to start dating. A couple months into the relationship, I decided to introduce him to my kids [I have two young boys from my marriage]. My kids absolutely approve of him and adore him.

Here is where the issue arises: [And let me be clear in saying, this is NOT an issue for me. This issue is with my ex and his family. I just don't know how much weight to put on it.]

I am Caucasian, as are my XH and our two children. My boyfriend, on the other hand, is not. And this seems to be a big issue with my XH and his family. They are a very racist family, and have expressed their concern with someone of a different race being around my/our kids.

What, if anything, should I do in this situation?

Seems to me like it's their problem, not yours...

AGG

Yeah, I'm with AGG.... your response if any should be, "It's none of your business. Deal with it." This is after all 2010, not 1854.

What do you want to teach your kids?

Opt

I understand this could be a very touchy issue whether the family is racist or not. I would feel confident that no matter what his race...they prob won't like him. Just expect them to find SOMETHING to complain about or dislike.

Are his beliefs and cultural difference very extreme?
Is it his race that truly is the problem or is it his lifestyle? I'm not saying that to be racist...BUT...many other cultures, races, religions DO have very different beliefs. If the belief system and culture of my XW's boyfriend were those that I do NOT agree with I would have a problem with it too. Some people will call it racist to acknowledge not accept or disagree with another culture's lifestyles and beliefs but when it comes to raising kids some of these concerns CAN be very valid.

If it is truly ONLY about skin color...screw them and don't worry about it. A good man is a good man, but if there are cultural problems...those should be acknowledged and addressed.

Different people will have different thoughts about this. The important thing is, what are YOUR feelings about it, your family's, his, the kids', etc. Have you spoken to your pastor about it? The important consideration is it can complicate things and it can affect your kids. You can use this as a teaching tool if you choose to proceed with this relationship. I have to assume you are okay with a mixed race relationship or you wouldn't have gone there to begin with. Your ex and his family will have to deal with what you decide, he doesn't dictate to you any longer.

Thank you for all of the replies, everyone.

AGG and tc -- I really, really want to say it's none of their business. My problem is that they like to throw out racial comments and slurs in front of our kids. My sons will come home with new 'vocabulary', if you will, when they come home from their visits with their dad.

Opt -- I want to teach my boys that people are people, regardless of any physical differences.

Captain -- Cultural differences are definitely NOT an issue here. We are of the same faith. We were born and raised within minutes of each other. Actually, my XH has known my current BF for years, as well. We all met ~10 years ago through an common employer. XH and him had a lot of mutual friends ten years ago. So it's not that my BF is a completely different species or something...

Kay -- It's not that I am for or against interracial dating. I am for the thought that love is blind. It doesn't see colors, or handicaps, or imperfections, or anything. Like tc said, it's 2010, not 1854.

My boys are 5 and 2. We live in a diverse society. They have never mentioned anything about BF 'looking' different.

honestyy,

Unfortunately you can't control what your ex's relatives and family say around your kids; it's one of those crappy situations that divorce never really solves. I think the best thing you can do is explain to your kids in an age appropriate way why what they're hearing from that side of the family is wrong and ask the BF for a little understanding. It's a tough situation but one thing is certain, nothing you say to your ex and his family is going to change the way they react to this. Just enforce your boundaries and stay strong, ok?

Travis

It may not be 1854 but some people still live as if it is. My concern is how it affects the kids but you wouldn't have gotten this far if you hadn't already addressed that.

At the same time please be strong personally and honest with yourself. If you knew about your XH's feelings (and his family's) regarding this particular race that you're deciding to date could there be a sub-conscious thing going on and you are doing it just to piss them off? I am NOT saying or implying that you are doing this...please don't be offended...I have absolutely NO reason to think you are the kind of person that would do this, but it is a reasonable (and hypothetical) question that would be a good idea to ask yourself.

Does this situation piss YOU off?

How very odd to question OP's motives for dating someone she likes. She came here for advice on how to manage XH's family and the comments that her boys bring back from their visits. It is rude an inappropriate of you to start questioning her psychology.

Sugar Cane,
I think your response was a little overreactive, it was a legitimate question and I doubt SW will take offense. She knew her XH's family's feelings and yes, went ahead and entered a biracial relationship, so shouldn't be surprised when they act as they do...my main concern is are the children getting the fallout? If rude comments are made to them, if they get teased, etc. then that would be a very real consideration. She must have felt this man worth it or she wouldn't have ventured forth in light of that. Hopefully they can teach the kids how to best handle it when these things arise...and they will. No one is attacking her for her choice, so no defense is needed on her behalf, we all care about her and wish her well.

I don't think the Captain's comments are rude or inappropriate. It's always good to have a sanity check, and that is all that is being suggested.

While I already told the OP that I think she should do what she wants and not what the X and his family want, the reality is that with the child involved, it becomes a part of the equation. If after considering all these factors, the OP still wants to go through with it, I'd say "more power to you", but it is appropriate to give it the careful consideration that Captain has suggested.

AGG

What makes Captain's question about SW's psychological motivation legitimate? SW asked for advice on how to handle this family and their influence on her children. How is it "legitimate" to ask whether she dated someone to piss off her EX H's family?

I didn't see where she said she was married. I thought she said she was dating. I also didn't see where she said she knew the family's feelings. I don't see her response as being "surprised", and I don't think that her being surprised is the issue!

As I understand it, she is unhappy that her kids are going to visit their grandparents and are being subjected to racist comments about other groups. She does not want her kids coming home and one day, possibly, repeating these racist comments to her boyfriend.

If these ADULT grandparents are having these young children in their home for visits and then making disparaging comments based on race, then this is wrong of them. They are not children, "teasing" these children, to use your words. No-one should have to teach their 2 and 5 year-olds "how best to handle it when these things" - i.e. racist comments by their grandparents - "arise". We are not talking about teasing by children and strangers who do not know and love them; we are talking about their grandparents, who love them and should have some interest in their moral welfare and happiness! SW has a right to request that they keep their views to themselves when they have her children in their home!

I know they are their son's children, too. The issue, as I see it, is whether she can negotiate any control over the situation, given that the the Ex H has the absolute right to take his children to see his parents.

I think that she needs to start by talking to her H, or to the parents if she feels that she can speak calmly to them and that they will listen, and explain that she does not want her kids thinking that racist comments are acceptable - towards anybody, not just her boyfriend - and she would like them to try not to make such comments when the kids are visiting.

It might well be that all she can do is ask nicely for this to stop, and if it doesn't, or they tell her that they can hold whatever views they like, then perhaps there is nothing she can do about it. Perhaps the solution then will be to talk to the kids whenever they say unacceptable things, and tell them why it isn't right to dislike people based on colour. Do you dislike (my boyfriend) because of his colour? Well, then, can you see that it's not right to dislike anybody for that reason? Etc.

I don't understand how, because colour is the issue, this thread is not giving advice on how to deal with difficult families, and instead is implying that SW needs to examine herself!

Respectfully kay, I wasn't asking the question of you. I am asking Captain whether SW's choice to date (not marry, yet, but it might come to that) someone of a different skin colour from her offends him in some way. I didn't accuse you of attacking her, so I don't understand why you are answering for something I didn't ask you.

SW's question was indeed, as you say, about how this family's comments are rubbing off on her kids. She is asking for help in dealing with that. I wondered why Captain asked about her choice to date someone of a different colour.

Only he can answer that; not you.

Please see my response to kay, AGG. I don't understand why SW is being told to have a sanity check about dating her boyfriend. She has asked for help with dealing with her ex's family's racist comments. I didn't see that she was asking the forum for their views on whether it is wise to date someone of a different colour.

This forum is asking SW to think long and hard about why she is dating, or might marry, a man of a different colour.

I think that, since she did not ask for the forum's advice on this, it is not appropriate for it to be offered.

She asked for advice about how to handle the ex H's family's comments. Why is she being advised to "have a sanity check"?

You see, this whole response seems to be to a question that wasn't asked; i.e. "should I marry my boyfriend, given that my ex H's family don't like his colour?"

Why are you advising her to talk to her pastor, when she said nothing about marriage, but asked for help with dealing with the family's racist comments? Why are you asking what her family's, his and the kids' feelings about "it" are? Your response reads as if honestyy stated that she wanted to marry, and was asking for opinions on this. This isn't so; what she said was that the ex's family let her know that they were not comfortable with someone of a different race being around the children.

There is more talk here as if a pre-marital advice was sought, when it wasn't. What is the "it" that can complicate what "things"? Do you mean that race can complicate the wider acceptance of a relationship? honestyy already knows this! SHE is the one telling US that her ex in-laws do not like this man being around the children! She is asking for help with dealing with this family whose views she finds obnoxious, but who have rights to her children!

Yes, you are right; her ex doesn't get to dictate to her any more. How does knowing this help her deal with their racist comments in front of the children?

Should she talk to the children about the family's views, and try to counteract them? Could she try to stop the children seeing the racist family members? Would such a course of action be wise, or legal?

What can she do about their views being expressed around her children?

Why is there so little advice on how to deal with the racist family? Why is the spotlight being turned onto honestyy and her choice to have a boyfriend of a different colour?

Not exactly. I am asking her (and by "her" I mean the poster honestyy, not SW) to weigh the backlash that she already she knows she's going to get from the ex's family as part of her overall decision process. Not whether she should be dating a man of a different color, but whether dating a man of different color and the expected backlash is something she wants to deal with. It may seem subtle, but to me these are two different things. I am not a believer in "Love conquers all", so I always recommend that people evaluate the practical aspect of things in addition to the touchy feelies . I make this suggestion to all posters, not just to honestyy.


Well, you know we often offer advice even when it's not asked for . And I did already post that I think she can ignore the family's comments. But I see nothing wrong with adding the (perhaps unsolicited) advice to weigh the potential ramifications.

While no analogy is perfect, I would say that this is the same thing we might say to people considering marrying folks of different religions (SW had some good posts on that), different backgrounds, values, etc. All could be overcome, yet all deserve some evaluation, IMO, before moving on in the relationship.

AGG

I am at a loss to understand WHY you are asking honestyy to weigh the backlash as part of her decision process. She hasn't said that she is MAKING a decision right now. She has only asked for help with dealing with her ex's racist family whom her kids visit. What decision-making process are you talking about?

She is ALREADY dealing with a backlash from this family from dating a man of a different colour. What do you mean by asking if this is something she wants to deal with? Would anyone WANT to deal with racist comments to our kids about our boyfriend?

She is stuck with dealing with them for as long as she is with this man (unless they change. Her question was about HOW she should deal with them.

Advising her to ignore the comments does not seem to deal with the problem that she asked for help with, which is the effect on the children. She has pointed out that her son has already picked up a new "vocabulary". Perhaps you are saying that she should just ignore the fact that the children are subtly being taught to use racist language about people of a different colour?

I did not object to unsolicited advice to weigh the potential ramifications (of what I am still not sure. honestyy has never spoken here of marrying this man).

The unsolicited "advice" that I objected to was the question of whether honestyy was dating this man just to piss off her ex's family!

I have never seen anyone ask Captain whether HE is dating HIS girlfriend just to piss off HIS ex's family!

I have never seen anyone on this forum ask that question of anyone who is dating!

The only time I have ever seen this question asked is here, in a case where the boyfriend is of a different colour from the OP.

I was asking Captain where that question comes from. Does it come from a view that there is something wrong in the subconscious of someone who dates a person of a different colour?

Once again, and with respect AGG, you didn't make the comment, and I did not ask you the question. I don't think you can answer for Captain as to why he asked if honestyy was dating her boyfriend just to piss off her ex H's family.

I think it is an extraordinary question to ask, and I am trying to explore the assumptions behind it. You didn't ask it, though, so I don't think you can tell me.

I haven't read every post on this thread so I might be missing the point, but this really caught my interest because my grandfather was extremely racist. I was exposed to unrelenting racist comments against blacks, Jews and yankees growing up. Oddly, this is the one area where my mother did a good job of teaching me right from wrong. The counterpoint to my grandfather's racist views was that you should judge a person by the content of their character, something they had control over. A person doesn't have control over their race or their poor yankee family heritage so it makes no sense to judge them thusly. I was taught that to judge that way is ignorant and have always believed this.

That made sense to me as a kid. It doesn't make sense to most kids to judge a person based on their skin. For some reason, my mother's lesson sunk in, while my grandfathers message did not as I have always been in the habit of judging a person by their character. Their skin color is not meaningful to me.

As far your kids go, honestyy, I would teach them the truth: that it is ignorant to judge people by their skin color. The content of ones character is a more valid measure. Most kids get that..

My mother did not allow us to use racial slurs or cusswords. They have to learn this lesson sometime, no time better than the present.