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Joined: Dec 2010
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Junior Member
Joined: Dec 2010
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My wife had an EA. She denied contact but I found out a while ago that they did meet on two occassions. There was a time when I thought I could not live with that act. I've suprised myself but that doesn't make it feel any better. Hurts worse than I could ever have imagined.
Throught this site I've learned and tried to implement the understanding and empathy required. There's been many set backs but overall it's gone ok. I've suprised her too.
My question...she says she's sorry. She feels bad alot. She says she loves me and wishes it never happened. Things have changed. We have made progress. The problem is she still talks to him now and again. She tells me when they do, yes. But it still happens. i'm trying to be patient but it's very hard. I am able to see their discussions and they have changed. They both realize it has to end but are both obviously are having trouble.
He is also married and his wife does not know to the same extent I do. I'm kinda in the waiting stage. I know the website says to try for a period of time and see if there's progress. I initially said I would wait until May next year, a full year after I found out. i don't know if I can wait that long but I feel like I have to. We do have two kids and I just can't imagine making the decision to leave.
Anyone here been throught the same situation? Did the WS eventually stop?
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 2,803 |
My wife had an EA. She denied contact but I found out a while ago that they did meet on two occassions. There was a time when I thought I could not live with that act. I've suprised myself but that doesn't make it feel any better. Hurts worse than I could ever have imagined.
Throught this site I've learned and tried to implement the understanding and empathy required. There's been many set backs but overall it's gone ok. I've suprised her too.
My question...she says she's sorry. She feels bad alot. She says she loves me and wishes it never happened. Things have changed. We have made progress. The problem is she still talks to him now and again. She tells me when they do, yes. But it still happens. i'm trying to be patient but it's very hard. I am able to see their discussions and they have changed. They both realize it has to end but are both obviously are having trouble.
He is also married and his wife does not know to the same extent I do. I'm kinda in the waiting stage. I know the website says to try for a period of time and see if there's progress. I initially said I would wait until May next year, a full year after I found out. i don't know if I can wait that long but I feel like I have to. We do have two kids and I just can't imagine making the decision to leave.
Anyone here been throught the same situation? Did the WS eventually stop? You should move your post to the SAA thread, because if your wife is still in contact with the OM, then your M is not in Recovery. Recovery cannot begin until there is complete NC with the OM. Have you exposed this A to anyone? You say that the OM's wife isn't completely aware of what's going on. Why not? Exposure is one of the most effective ways to end an A. You need to expose quickly and widely, starting with the OM's BW.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
He is also married and his wife does not know to the same extent I do. I'm kinda in the waiting stage. I know the website says to try for a period of time and see if there's progress. Hi Harley, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would strongly advise you don't wait to expose the affair to the OM's wife. That should have been done immediately. Expose first to the OM's wife, your children, family members and close friends. All on the same day preferably. I would cause as much trouble as possible in the affair before it gets any more entrenched. Keeping their secret is what Dr Harley would define as ENABLING. Dr Harley told this man in this radio clip who had been helping his wife and her OM hide their affair: "It's very difficult to overcome an affair when you become an enabler." Additionally, I would confront the OM and tell him to stay away. Every time that scumbag contacts your wife, I would be calling his wife AND him, raising holy unmitigated hell. Make it hard for him and to conduct his affair. OM tend to be weiners and will run like a worm at the first sign of trouble. He is not going to tolerate any trouble for a cheap piece of fun. The next step will be to DEMAND, in no uncertain terms, that she end contact with the OM. You sound way way too non-chalant about her affair and it will give her the impression that you don't care too much. She needs to see you fight for your marriage. From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94: "Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
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From When Should An Affair Be Exposed? By Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. The issue of exposure comes up when a betrayed spouse has first learned about the affair. Should it be exposed to others, or kept secret? I generally recommend exposure. When should it be exposed? I usually recommend that it be exposed immediately. To whom should it be exposed? I recommend that family, friends, children, clergy, and especially, the lover�s spouse be informed. Exposure in the workplace depends on several factors.
<snip>
Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 1,757
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Joined: Oct 2009
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My wife had an EA. She denied contact but I found out a while ago that they did meet on two occassions. There was a time when I thought I could not live with that act. I've suprised myself but that doesn't make it feel any better. Hurts worse than I could ever have imagined.
Throught this site I've learned and tried to implement the understanding and empathy required. There's been many set backs but overall it's gone ok. I've suprised her too.
My question...she says she's sorry. She feels bad alot. She says she loves me and wishes it never happened. Things have changed. We have made progress. The problem is she still talks to him now and again. She tells me when they do, yes. But it still happens. i'm trying to be patient but it's very hard. I am able to see their discussions and they have changed. They both realize it has to end but are both obviously are having trouble.
He is also married and his wife does not know to the same extent I do. I'm kinda in the waiting stage. I know the website says to try for a period of time and see if there's progress. I initially said I would wait until May next year, a full year after I found out. i don't know if I can wait that long but I feel like I have to. We do have two kids and I just can't imagine making the decision to leave.
Anyone here been throught the same situation? Did the WS eventually stop?
-- Emotional affairs are no less dangerous than physical affairs. TELL me if you disagree with this. As I tell people, the "difference" is about the same as the difference between the top & bottom halves of a hand grenade with the pin already pulled out: It doesn't really matter which half you're holding; all that matters is that it's going to make one helluva a mess if you don't DO something about it.
--Affairs don't end on their own. You misunderstand the key point that affairs are a manifestation of an infatuation, an emotional addition. As long as there's contact between them, the "addiction" will continue to be stoked. She'll continue to want the next "hit."
--They do NOT really understand that it has to end, otherwise they wouldn't still be in contact. What makes you think they understand that it has to end? You have no evidence of this! You only have evidence that they DON'T understand that it has to end. The practice of No Contact between affair partners is a central principle for ensuring that an affair ends.
--Nowhere on this site does it say for you to "be patient" without any intervention while an affair winds itself down. If you have not exposed the affair, then you have not taken the most crucial first step to allow any work on your marriage to succeed. As long as she's in contact with him, then he is fulfilling emotional needs of hers, and you will not be able to do so nearly as well. You must expose the affair in order to give yourself the best chance of killing it.
--The way you kill an affair is to expose it to people whose knowledge will help put pressure no the affair. Such as your wife's family, her Other Man's wife, their employers, other relatives & friends -- anyone whose esteem they value. You tell them what you know, you do NOT sugarcoat it, and above all, you do NOT tell either of the affairees what you are about to do -- you need to shock them, knock them off-balance, and basically blow their little, secret affair-fantasy universe out of the water before they know what hit 'em. Only THEN can your wife's head begin to clear & can work on your marriage have a fighting chance.
You need to read all the material in the yellow box on the right side of this site. You should get a copy of the book "Surviving An Affair." You should read it all. Ideally your wife would read it too.
Do a "search" on this site re: exposure. Read about withdrawal from an affair. Read about "how affairs should end" and about "no contact". It's obvious that you don't yet understand these concepts correctly, or you would not be taking such a passive approach. Your marriage is in mortal danger. You and your wife CAN make it better than it ever was before, but first you must get over the idea that an emotional affair isn't so serious, expose & kill the affair, and ensure that she completely ceases contact with the Other Man permanently.
The only reason I know what I'm talking about is that I was a guy who got into an affair. It was an emotional affair that I allowed to develop with an acquaintance, which became an inappropriately intimate friendship, which became a full-blown physical affair. Yeah, I and the other woman (both married) also talked about how we knew it was wrong & how we knew that we'd have to end it someday, later, "on our own terms." Except as days turned into weeks, "later" never came, and I kept getting myself in deeper & was totally hooked on her attention, and as long as my wife & her husband didn't know about it, I was happy to let her go on throwing herself at me, because it was a huge ego-trip, and I was so messed-up that I felt like I was "in love" with this person. I only started getting myself squared-away when her husband busted her, which meant that I'D been busted, and I was faced with a decision to confess to my wife, or else run the risk that she'd find out from someone else. It's what finally gave me back a litle bit of backbone. I ended the affair that very day. (That's the power of exposure.)
On the day I confessed to her, my wife indicated she would keep me, but she also told me (verbatim quote) "Do it again and you're out on your [censored]." And she meant it. She made clear what she would & wouldn't stand for. And I respected & do respect her all the more for this. You, on the other hand -- by offering her "until May" to leisurely continue her affair, by making clear to her that you're willing to tolerate contionued contact between these would-be lovers, by not blowing the lid off this situation to the other man's wife -- are being a doormat; there's nothing there for your wife to respect.
I don't mean this in a harsh way -- I've no right or wish to be harsh with you. But that's just my objective analysis of your situation. The good news is, you have the power to shift gears.
Ask the moderators to change your post to the "Surviving an Affair" section of the forum. Heed the advice you'll get here. You can do this. But you've got to realize that you don't end a spouse's affair by hiding in a foxhole & waiting for it to blow over. You end it by going on the offensive -- with loving aims, but with the determination of someone fighting for something you hold dear. Buck up, mister. Read about the concepts I've mentioned, and gird yourself to ACT.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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