Hi Guys,<P>First and foremost, My thanks to all of you who posted to me or responded via E-Mail when my very good friend Earnest Beginner posted regarding how depressed I was this weekend. This was indeed the toughest weekend for me since the discovery of the affair.<P>I had a "Date" with my wife, Overall it went well. We got along, we didn't really talk about anything regarding our seperation, And we enjoyed each others company. It just went to show me that it is possible for us to be together again. Yes it was awkard for the both of us, But I think that when we both have a common goal ( reconcilling ) that the awkwardness will be a thing of the past. Not yet though for she is still undecided as to what she wants. <P>I was so excited and had expected too much. After the Date I invited her in the house just to be with her, For us to enjoy each others company. I had no intention of being sexually physical with her. What I wanted was to hold her, to be with her, and for us just to be together. Well, that didn't happen. She was too uncomfortable and declined. I felt as if we had rushed from the concert straight to our house and she dumped me off. I felt so horrible when I walked into the house, I was all alone after being with her for an extended period of time since our seperation. It threw me for a loop and began crying and essentially, Lost it. I just could not handle it for another second, Needless to say I didn't sleep a wink.<P>The early morning brought more depression and no response from my W. We did talk later and I got some insight as to why she would not come in. She said that once she came in, it would have been too hard to leave. OK, I guess I can see her point of view, It is a reminder of what she almost threw away. I say almost because she has an opportunity to get it all back including me, She knows that. <P>So the night came and I knew she was out with her new friends including one male friend she says is "no big deal" but has stated that she is getting very close to him because he has "been there, done that" regarding divorce. It hurts to know that she is confiding in someone she just met a few months ago instead of me, her mate of 8+ years. I just wish she would share her thoughts and feeling with me, Honesty and openess are very high on both our Emotional Needs list. <P>So the next day came and I was a mess, I couldn't handle being alone any longer. I have never been in such a haze in all my life, Nothing made sense. I called her and asked her if she would come over, I told her I needed a hug and a shoulder to cry on. She agreed to come by for a short time. It was wonderful, She was able to comfort me and made me feel better. We talked and she let me show some affection toward her. She was compassionate and caring. It was great. I saw the woman that I fell in love with that day, It was her who I have been fighting for all this time. <P>That was 2 days ago, So I guess we are making some progress. We have made some tenative plans to see each other again. Nothing concrete but still, Just another opportunity for us to be together. I hope she is able to see me for what I am striving to be, A caring and Emotional husband who wants to be married to her. I feel thought that she is blinded right now with guilt, She has repeatly said she does not understand why I would want her after what she has done.<P>I told her that was easy, I loved her. My day is sad when she is not around, My day is joyful and fulfilled when she is. She is my angel. Simple as that. Also I let her know that it takes two to make a marriage thrive and two to make it fail. She alone, Is not at fault. I too have made my share of huge mistakes.<P>So my friends, If you actually read all of this then I commend you and thank you for taking the time to listen. My point is that I was prepared for the rollercoaster effect to have subsided, Just when I was unbuckling my seatbelt, One of the larger hills going down appeared. So I have learned to stay seated and keep my arms and hands in the car at all times. Once again I have been tested and I think I would have failed if it were not for the intervention of my Wife, For that I am grateful. <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Rutger (edited October 26, 1999).]

WOW rutger! What a few days you've had..<P>I hope that the sweet moments of nurturing that your wife showed become more frequent, and the loneliness decreases....<P>I think your going to be fine...keep the good things in mind.....<P>cozy

Rutger -- It sounds to me like you really are making progress. Yes I did read the whole thing and in a lot of ways it was like reading my story. There are differences, aren't there always but I was able to look back into my own past as you related the activities of the past few days.<P>Taking the seatbelt off too soon, can definitely cause whiplash. Been there too. I didn't learn the first time. I suffered from recurring whiplash several times before I finally learned my lesson. Thick head ya know <P>Thank God you have someone like Ernest Beginner who was able to help you keep a little of your sanity. I too had a friend I turned to a lot, he became a very good friend while going through all my garbage.<P>Try to take things slow with your W, Rutger. There will probably be times when she says she'll be there, and she doesn't show. . .It happens. Treasure every minute you two are able to spend together until the day she finally comes back home.<P>As always my friend, you and your W are in my prayers. You too Ernest Beginner <P>God Bless

Used2bcozy,<BR>Thank you for your thoughts, I too hope there are more moments with the woman I married. She is really one of a kind.<P>Empty Shell,<BR>My friend, Thank you for your kind words and your E-Mails. You are keeping me strong. I do know that in trying times like these only your true friends stand by you, I have that in Earnest. As you know it is tough to go slow, I know to my W it must seem like time is standing still, but to me every minute that I am away from her seems like an eternity. I think that is why it is so difficult. Knowing that every time I see her may be the last for awhile, I tend to tresure them and make them memorable. <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

Hi Rutger<BR>Yes read it all, I am sending prayers and hugs your way, patience is a virtue (and yes I know the wait hurts ) but anything in life worth having is worth the wait/hard work that we put into it , imagen if it were easy, would we learn from our mistakes? Or would we repeat them because fixing them was so easy? Just a thought. <P>Jenny<P>------------------<BR>Where have all the cowboys gone ?<BR>Paula Cole<P><BR>

Hi, Rutger. I'm so glad you're feeling a little more grounded now. This waffling back and forth is enough to drive anyone nuts!<P>Hang in there. You're doing all the right things. This is definitely not over yet!<P>Lori

Rutger, <P>We all want this to be over immediately. We all want the pain to go away. These are all hard lessons we have to learn on our own.<P>You will have more horrible weekends. I will too. There will be highs so high that we will think that maybe we have recaptured our wife's heart - finally. And then, something will happen to take the wind out of our sails and we will feel like all our efforts are in vain. Rollercoaster is a kind word for this experience. It is something you wouldn't wish for your worst enemy. I firmly believe emotional pain is far worse than physical pain.<P>Some how we make it through each day. And we grow just a little having made it through. We try something new and it works and we make progress. We try something else that turns out to be a love buster and we take several steps backward. But you know what, we still grow through those experiences because now we are wiser.<P>I think you are finding that recovering from this process is very slow. This is the battle of our lives Rutger. This is going to test us beyond what we thought we could handle. <P>The good news I have for you is that I think you are doing great. You are getting through each day. You are figuring out this mess. You are really understanding your wife's and your own feelings. Go slow. The fact that you can spend time together and not talk about "it" is great! <P>Get to know one another again. Get to be friends again. Don't expect to be lovers any time soon - because it won't happen any time soon. Get to be a good conversationalist. Talk about anything, but just keep talking. Build her up. Compliment her. Share your thoughts and feelings. And when appropriate, try non-sexual touching. <P>I think you are going to be fine Rutger. Keep doing what you are doing. It just takes a very, very, very, long time.<P>SHA

Well said Sir Hurts Alot.<P>Follow the advice that has been given you.<BR>Remember, slow is fast and fast is slow. Take your time.<P>Peace Be With You

Jenny and Lori,<BR>Thank you both for taking the time to read. Yes, I agree that if it were to easy we would never learn anything and yes, the waffling back and forth is one of the most difficult things. But we move on and try and try and try, If we didn't we would get nowhere.<P>DZRT,<BR>I'm sure that there will be many more ups and downs, I still do not see the end of this ride but hopefully it will appear on the horizon soon. Thanks<P>SHA,<BR>Thank you for your reply, There is no comparison of this and physical pain. I would take the latter any day over this. I know this will be one of the most difficult things we will ever go through. We will both be better people when it ends, I firmly believe that. It is just the associated pain that comes with growing that makes it hard. I think we are starting to be friends again, I confide in her and she opens up to me every once in awhile. I hope that will get better and bring us closer together. It makes it hard right now when she has another close male friend, She confides in him before she will to me and that hurts. I feel that her relationship with him is taking away from my relationship with her, and that makes me sad. I guess I need some sort of reassurances from her letting me know that it is getting better between us, To ease my anxiety over this whole thing. But, I will keep trying as long as my sanity will let me.<P>M Go Blue,<BR>Thanks for writing, I have learned to take in all the advice given here. I know that slow is the way to go. No rush right? This is my life partner we are talking about. Then why is that so hard for me? <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>