ITA!

Like Mel has said, you want to tell them the TRUTH. Realize that the kids understand a lot more than you think.

You and your WH taught your children about marriage and right and wrong. YOUR beliefs haven't changed. You tell them, "Daddy has a gf and married people are not supposed to have a bf or gf. Daddy is having an affair. He is not living with John, he has moved in with gf and her children. I still love Daddy very much and I want him to come home but without a gf. It hurts me too much to talk to Daddy while he has a gf so from today on, I will not be talking to him. You can still talk to him as much as you want." Let the children ask some questions and be honest with them. Don't sugar coat it.

You're doing the right thing. Don't forget that.

Again, thank you ALL very much, you are all so very helpful. Scotland getting there with your thread your Bampot is is a very very silly man to do this to you.

My brother is great and I would be very very surprised if WH sent anything untoward to him to be honest and if he did my brother knows I don't want to see/hear it.

My family do not like WH so I would surprised if I hear anything unless absolutely urgent, although I may need to use him already, which I shall explain later in my post.

My boys make me so proud, it's amazing how they understand.

It was a very nice conversation about Mum still loving Dad but Dad being with someone else and wants to stay there, I explained it will not effect them as dad still loves them very much.

I explained they will not see Dad as much, as what Dad had done is very wrong and he has caused lots of hurt and when your get married, you do not just up and leave, I explained they will never see IT, only Dad, as I feel letting him act the happy family and take them into their environment is wrong whilst he is having an affair, you are good boys and will grow up to know right from wrong and what Dad is doing right now is wrong is wrong.I also told them I loved Dad very much and still loved him but i was very hurt and couldn't speak to him. (but don't tell your Grandad)

The 6 year old said "so Dad doesn't like you anymore", the 10 year old said "Okay, I kind-of knew Mum and you forget he has also lied about staying with some man John and he still phones you when shes not there.....which is REALLY bad".

I then explained Dad really misses them and wanted the 10 year old to call.

The 10 year did not want to call him as he had a hard day at school and .......then he stopped mid sentance.

I said "you can tell me anything you are thinking" he said he was just a bit fed up with Dad and Dad had asked him to stay over in their last telephone call and he doesn't want to. I explained this would NEVER happen and just to tell Dad how he feels. Always, do not be afraid of upsetting him just be honest.

We called twice and no answer, so 10 yr old left a message. Around an hour later WH calls, I tried so hard to not listen but was really pissed off when WH told him "Oh Mums getting you an X Box" IT's SANTA FGS!!!

My son told him he didn't want to stay over at his house and thats why he hadn't phoned him again incase he upset him.

WH then spoke with the 6 year old which was fine, I could hear him saying how much he missed him and my son saying "yes me too". (heartbreaking) why do I always cry when I come here?? Hopefully that will stop.

Now the problem. He arranged to take them to McDonald and ToysRUs and I have a lawyers letter on the way telling him contact with children will be made through a Contact Centre, do I trust WH to not be using substances and give him this one last day with them ?

Or do I stay the horrid BS and not let them see him/him see them this one last time before he receives the letter?

The Lawyers letter could take to next week to arrive as they have a huge backlog which was explained to me on Monday.

No contact all day. Yay!! and even though it's -7.5 I had a nice walk in the snow. I still haven't changed WH pillowcase since he left, is that weird ? I have stopped sniffing it to see if his scent is still there.

Why shouldn't Granddad know? Who's father is he? Sorry if you already talked about this before.

Also, (remember, I am just trying to help you fill in holes) you need to STOP telling your children that their father loves them. His relationship with his children is one he will need to maintain. You shouldn't tell your children that they will NEVER meet OW or sleep over there. That may be out of your hands some day. You don't want to lie to your children. Telling them that something will NEVER happen one day that then does, will look to them like a lie.

I know how hard it is to not listen to their phone conversations. It gets easier, if you stick to the plans.

Did your WH set up these meetings prior to your Plan B? Did he use your IM? Without knowing how these were set up, I can't give advice about it. Also, if you allowed your children to go, would it hurt the protective visitations that you had your Lawyer set up?

Now, about changing the pillowcase. I UNDERSTAND. It WILL keep you stuck. I have to admit though, that in the beginning, I did some things that I think MB posters would have dinged me good for. I had a couple of pictures of WH up on my fridge and I would kiss them good night as I cried. I missed him dearly. Also, I shared a bed with someone almost my whole life. WH and I lived together for almost 15 years and had only spent a handful of nights apart. We each had our own blankets because we were blanket hogs. I had packed it with all of his things. He left it behind. I put it back on the bed. I left his pillow there too. I needed it for comfort. About a month or so later, I kicked it off of the bed with the pillow. There were moments, in the middle of the night, that I would expect him to be under that blanket. I needed to move forward.

I am not perfect at Plan B. I definitely wasn't as good at the beginning as I am now. I learned from my mistakes and continue to do so to this day. I hope to help others through this as well.

Grandad is my Dad. They are obviously furious with WH and honestly think my whole family would abandin me if I did take WH back.

We haven't had the best of marriages but I/We (family) thought things were FINALLY looking up and then he done this.

I understand about saying to the DS's never, I will change this over time, and that is a very good point about the Lawyer and the Contact Centre, I feel like I am punishing him but I am not I need to protect DSs from his possible substance abuse/misuse. These plans were made by WH after my Plan B.

Now I feel I will have let the boys down as they think he is taking them out on Saturday but he has made no times etc so we will see if he even attempts to make arrangements for this, with the amount of snow here just now it may be impossible anyway.

Actually, it's the first interest in HIS boys, yet he has a 2 year old calling him "dada" after 2 weeks of living with IT in 3 months so why do I feel bad?

I woke to a terrible dream this morning, we were all out with family from England (my Mum mentioned my uncle yesterday) and in my dream my Uncle had seen WH with OW and I didn't know about it, my uncle confronted WH and he admitted he had been having an affair with Susan, goodness knows who susan is, I don't know anyone named Susan but it was raw and for the first time in weeks I cried into his pillow and here I go again.

I wish these strange moments would stop, you know one minute I am fine the next I am in tears.

I understand what you say about me telling the boys Dad loves them, I will leave that to him from now on in.

What should I do with things i come across, WH used to write me lots of letters, I hope I have found most of these and they are in an envelope but it's random photos of our Honeymoon turning up and the little card he gave me "to the girl I plan to marry (16 years old)" and just THINGS I cannot seem to bin, although I do admit to scrunching up a photo of his face the other day but i didn't throw it out, just scrunched it up and threw it back in the drawer.

Well at least I can NOW say I am into Plan B - day 2 and have had NO CONTACT!

I wouldn't tell you to throw away the pics and stuff. I would put them in a box, in the back of your closet. I still have ALL of the things that WH gave me. I still have the wedding album. I have kept all of the pictures, etc. I still talk to my children about the day I met WH, how he proposed, the day we got married, the days they were born, etc. It is history. It's THEIR history. I wasn't able to talk about it a lot right after I went into Plan B, but now that the pain has lessened, it is easier.

No one is telling you that you need to forget your WH, you just need to change your focus. I work in retail, and for the longest time, I would see things and I would think, "WH would love that." I caught myself and tried to redirect my thoughts. He couldn't be someone I thought about ALL of the time anymore.

You think I am strong right(I seriously don't think I am any different than anyone else)? Well, I CRIED. I sometimes still cry. It's a part of the process. Let it happen. I remember the words to a song we listened to in school when I was 9, "It's alright to cry. Crying gets the sad out of you. It's alright to cry. Crying makes it better." Silly song, but it worked.

Now, about the McDonald's and ToysRus trip, did your WH use the IM? If he didn't, you don't even acknowledge it at all.

See, your WH will most likely resist using your IM and instead just tell the children things himself. He will try to set things up through the kids. You can't let that happen. I think that is where I made some mistakes. I reacted to things. When your children tell you, "Daddy said he is coming to pick us up Saturday and take us to BLANK." You say, "Did he?" and then redirect their thoughts with a game or by tickling them.

You need to be careful about what you say and do. It helps to think, "What would a judge think if he were to hear that I said or did this?" I know that you want to save your marriage, but you also need to protect yourself in case it doesn't happen.

Hi Scotland, getting there with your thread now and it's just heartbreaking what these men do, I mean can you imagine how it would look if I decided I had enough so just upped and left HIM with the boys.

I think I was/am over worrying about Saturday, even DS10 said "I don't think Dad will come on Saturday do you"? I said the snow may make things a little different.

My Lawyer was not joking when she said they are behind in their typing so WH may not receive the letter regarding the Contact Centre until next week as I only received my letter from my appointment 2 weeks ago, today.

Another day of no contact, I have made soup, caught up on lots of things I had recorded and finally dug my car out from the snow.

WH phoned 3 times earlier, I didn't answer, infact on the 3rd I pressed the ignore button which just cuts him right off.

He called, I didn't answer so he sends a text "its me pls answer I need to speak to you" he phones again, I don't answer, he phones again and I cut him off. Not very nice being cut off just like that I would imagine.

If it was/is important there is an answering machine, unfortunately I cannot barr calls, I have 2 phones now and the one he has the number to is usually down but I must have forgot to turn it down last night after he spoke with the boys.

I will find somewhere to put things I come across, I threw some boxer shorts in the bin today, I had thought of keeping them for polishing but I don't want a trigger each time I polish, so I put them in the bin.

I talk to the boys about Dad but it's still so raw at times, I cried 3 times just reading from page 160-188 of your thread.

DS10 detests me crying he is quite amusing at times and such a lovely lovely boy. If I say "I have something we need to talk about" DS10 will say "Oh you are not going cry though"?

I then cried at a wedding on the television (vows).

I suppose I should make some attempt to get the Christmas things out I keep seeing more and more trees going up.

I am not speaking to my parents about WH at all just now, it's just too confusing, sometimes I wish they could experience a little bit of the pain just for a little while or perhaps climb inside my head for a day.

No, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

Your Puppy is gorgeous.

Another question, the school had the boys draw pictures and we paid to have them turned into Christmas cards, do I give WH a card from them, or just let them decide if they want to write him one?

Thank you again. Many people say I am pragmatic when I talk about sitch but perhaps that's just the way I come across.

Now, you say that there was another day of NC, but actually there WAS contact. You KNOW that your WH TRIED to contact you and that made you feel good. It won't make you feel as good when he stops trying to contact you. Shut that down NOW. This way, you won't know when he stops trying to contact you. It will save you some hurt.

Have you seen the posts from Pep that told me to Plan A my boys? That was very important in my recovery. It really helped me get through. I also remember having to focus on myself more too. Making a life without Bampot. As I am writing this, Bampot is talking to DS10. He now calls and lets the answering machine pick up EVERY TIME. I believe that it is because MY voice is on the answering machine. I am changing that real quick. Wayturds suck AZZ.

ETA: I forgot to answer your question(watching a movie with the boys). You shouldn't give WH a card. He can see the card when he ends his affair and comes home. Just like my children's school pics. They don't get parts of family life unless THEY do the work. My WH even asked for the video from DS10's volleyball game. Again a big huge NOOOOOOOOOO.

Yes that's very true. This phone is a contract phone in WH name, he has always said I should keep it and just pay it but I suppose that has to go back, the bill was due last week and I have not been able to pay it to be honest so it will get cut off any day.

I have been plan A-ing with the boys funnily enough, it just seems to come naturally and we have a nice little routine now. I love them so much, it's when I think of them I feel sad.

Myself, I have had my hair cut (cannot afford roots as yet), I had my eyebrows waxed for the first time EVER �4!! I was a size 12 and am now size 6, although it doesn't look too good as I am wearing a size 10 and cannot afford to keep buying smaller, I am too tall to be this size.

For the first time this morning WH wasn't the first thing I thought of. I have started painting, which is strange as I have only done one area which was really annoying me. I would love to do more but I have a few pedigree cats wandering around.

Maybe more tonight when they go to sleep and the whole livingroom may end up the same colour.

Thank you Scotland as I had planned on asking the boys to do a card and send it!!!!

I prayed for you last night. I think God thinks i am a little mad and I might well be, every night before I pray "our father thou art in heaven" comes into my head. It must be from Sunday School.

Tilly, I've just for the first time skimmed through this thread, and I can immediately see that you are British!

I'm in London. Isn't the weather foul all over Britain this week?!

Argh !! Yes Scottish and it's been blooming freezing. We are having a thaw for a few days which is fantastic but apparently it is to start again next week. My DSS have been off school for WEEKS!!!

I do hope someone can help me.

I am in deep plan B but have a mobile for dc.

I woke to texts this morning, lots of texts, WH wants to come home, is agreeing to all boundaries and it's possible, although this is such a rollercoaster it may not happen but he is saying he wants to come home ASAP.

He wants to go to councelling, he has agreed to be tested, he has agreed to everything.

I didn't expect this so soon.

My family have made it more than clear they would be kess than pleased if he returned as they have seen me almost disintegrate during over the last 3 months but there is nothing they can do about it.

Advice anyone ?

I have had the most terrible weekend and may make lots of typos.

I am such an idiot.

Sat am: I wake to lot's of texts from WH saying what an idiot he had been and could this work/ and can I come and see you?

I replied yes. He drove into the street, (I forgot to tell him my brother car was snowed in there) he panicked, telephoned me from the top of the street but said he just didn't feel mentally well and thought my brother was here etc etc. He said he loved me so much and and had been trying to block me out but it was getting more difficult.

I hung up and told him to leave me alone.

He had me awake from 5.00am and then texted from then onwards to not come in ?

All saturday night his OW texted me, trying to goad me to go up and I have WH texting to tell its a plan to GET me??? I was watching the X factor with a glass of Baileys.

Sunday, I wake to are your in ? All texts, yes,

him: okay I am moving out I have had to hide my phone all night I have been getting attacked etc. ARE you are sure you love me and we can work this out???

me: yes just come home

Later him: Oh thid is terrible there are 3 children here is she is going mental accusing me of attacking her etc, trying to find my phone, the good tHING i did was delete you from her phone. I am leaving are you SURE we can work this out how can you ever forgive me.

Me: we can work on it just come home

Him: are you doing thi just to hurt her, I am so scared I come home and you HURT MR????

Me: Your thinking is distorted why would I do that.

HIim: 6pm a call, him, I have 4 bags, she won;t give me my birth certficiate or any personal items, 4 bags is that what I am worth, we have an hour long conversation about how we could ever get throught this, suggesting frienship first, him saying "how could you Ever FORGIVE me for this I never wanted any of this, I have work at 5am and what wuold happen if I came home, I AM so depressed. I love you so much.

Me: You don't love me or you would not be doing this, you think you do but you dont.

Him, Oh what have I DONE?? I love you so much, I know you say I don't but I will never meet anyone like you and I know know that..

The conversation lasted over an hour wth him worrying about work, his items, us he said he didn't think he hd the strength to come home and be it not to work.

He then texted late saying "I know you must hate me but PLS TRY to understand you an the boys are my world, I still have the bags in the car I WILL SEE you after work Pls try to understand"

I text him this morning asking what is going on.

I get a text back saying this phone is longer the property of WH.

I am such an idiot. I don't even have words to express the pain. I HAVE no one to share what an idiot I HAVE BEEN,

Tilly,

I don't know how I came to miss this reply on Saturday. I was looking out for you and I STILL missed you.

I've just seen today's post, but I can't help until I read the thread properly. I just want you to know that someone is reading and I will be back to talk later today.

As you know, north America wakes up later than we do, and I'm sure some of them will be along in a few hours too!

Hang in there.

Thank you. x

anyone pls can anyone analyse this behaviour for me?

or perhaps help me process the thoughts of it.

Tilly,

I have tried to read the thread. Do I understand correctly that your H is living with OW?

Regardless of that, this is madness. You have never done Plan B properly, despite apparently relaunching it last week. You should not be able to receive all these crazy, contradictory texts from H.

What happened to your brother being the IM? He should be receiving messages from WH, and only passing on those that say "I want to come home" when there appears to be a serious move towards this.

Your H clearly isn't ready to go home, because all he has to do, when he is ready, is leave. He can do something about the property OW won't return at a later date. He can easily get a replacement birth certificate. All the rest is rubbish, and he is saying it because he hasn't ended the affair.

I would suggest - ONCE AGAIN - (others have told you this often) that you cut off access to your H's messages. Send a letter via your IM that he is not to contact you until the affair is ended and he is ready to go home. He is to contact the IM if there are urgent issues relating to the children.

I'm confused about a couple of things:

Is this OW the 19 year-old? Is it this woman that has 3 kids, or is there a new woman?

Is she pregnant with your H's child?

Does she live locally?

How did they meet? This is important. If she lives in your neighbourhood and they met locally, you will have to move house if you are to stand a chance of rebuilding your marriage. If she works with your H, he will have to leave the job.

I know that you can't do these things immediately, but they will have to be planned into your recovery. H will have to agree to them as a condition of your ending Plan B and allowing him home.

My analysis is that he is still in his affair and he will wreck your mental health if you do not cut off all contact until the affair is over.

You need to stop hearing "this is hard for me!" and "do you think you can forgive me?" and "what about her kids?" and all other bullcrap. These statements are draining your love bank and your emotional strength.

Your H is mad, just like all other active waywards. They do things things to their families that sane people cannot believe.

If you attempt a reconciliation before the affair madness ends, you will face endless coming and going and secret texting to OW and gaslighting you that you are mad.

Stay completely out of touch until this ends, Tilly.

I agree the phone has now gone, these were all messages to me. He is obviously completely messed up at the moment so I am pulling myself far back as possible, I understand OW has kicked off as WH wanted to see children and then it went from there. As I say he has no way of contacting me now and I like that. I feel safe.

WH has been in touch.

He sent cards to the boys the week leading up to Christmas.

I had a few withheld number calls to my house phone on Monday.

On Tuesday he phoned (I do not have caller display) asked how we were, I said we were fine and had had a nice Christmas, his was terrible apparently and he still cries every day.

Wednesday he phoned again, I asked why he was calling and did I have to change the house number? He said he wanted to chat with boys so I put the boys onto the phone and left the room.
Boys called on me, WH wanted to "chat" he asked if my letter still applied, had I been on the ball I would have said yes so go end your affair and then hung up but I was so angry I said no, he said "Oh okay so just so I have this clear in my mind I cannot move back there" I said "NO!" Why exactly after all these weeks are you calling?

He said we need to speak, is this it ? it is over, I hung up and pulled out the telephone.

Thursday evening, we arrive home to find him parked outside the house ??? the boys were delighted to see him, I said I would make some Tea and head upstairs so he could spend time with his children. He asked me to stay and sit and talk.

He said he regrets what he has done, he cries everyday, his dates are all messed up, he doesn't know how he is where he is at the moment and what month he is on.

He was here for a while which ended up with him asking me to "think of the good times" and he would never ever hurt me again BUT BUT BUt .....I told him no BUTS can even begin to explain what he has done, he was having a bad time at home, (scared as he puts it) scared I will leave him.......so he leaves me instead.

I cried.

Friday, last night the phone rang, I thought it would be my mum as she had the boys but no it was WH. How am I ? Am I going out tonight ? which basically turned into me ranting about the financial mess he left us is and asking WHAT did he want why keep phoning? He misses me but is scared I will hurt him if he returns home.

I end up in tears again and he said he needs to talk to me face to face without any children here etc.

I have sent 2 Plan B letters now, one very loving one which thy laughed over and ignored, and the 2nd not so nice, as he/they had clearly ignored the first, the last line finishing with I hope NOT to hear from you in the near future.

What should I do ? I threw SAA in a drawer 2 weeks ago and decided I was ever coming to this site again yet have been here all day reading success stories.