the bag is temp till friday, but cumbersome and icky. i am sore in my abdomen and of course the stress of all of this BS is just wearing me down.
i see now that getting ws OUT of your life is a good thing-this is so painful. wow. and i thought plan a hurt
if i was up and about, i could focus on lots of things-christmas preparations, housework, paperwork but i am kind of stuck till i feel better, and my restrictions are fairly vast(no stairs, no lifting, bending, squatting, etc) i am a DOER so this sitting still is super hard.
thanks karmasrose. i appreciate anyone being "out there"!

so i just find out that ws spent over 100 bucks from the checking acct money he gives me now to get some things for his new pad last night....
so i am going to go broke financing his BS....
this is so bizarre, ridiculous, entitled on and on

Mom,
Get yourself to the lawyer, separate your bank accounts.......you have to start protecting yourself.
Just take care of yourself right now.........dont' think about him, that's up to him now........
Stay dark, you need time to heal and pull yourself together, focus on the holidays as much as you can..............

This is why plan B is so helpful to BS.

In his FOGGY view of the world, there is nothing good that is going to come to you from listening to him. He gets;
#1. Drama. #2. a "fix" of seeing you/kids #3. a chance to see if you are weeping over him. #4. Re con as to what your next plans are.

My question;
What positive thing did YOU get out of this interaction?
What is the upside? As long as he has the wayward mindset, you are not helping yourself by seeing him.

This is just my opinion. I am sorry that you are going through this now. JT has some spot on advice

mom,

Get some sleep today - you cannot think clearly if you have been up all night - this surgery may be a godsend since you can
work on coping with a great excuse to stay in bed and on the couch just dont start watching lifetime - get more books to read on this sorry subject - I read at least 8 the first week but of course that was at 3am when I couldnt go back to sleep!

mom,
I just read through your post after you posted on mine. PLEASE go to plan B ASAP. Also, get a lawyer ASAP. Take it from me, this is the second time WH (?) has put me through this. If I had done a plan B I am sure I wouldn't be in the stitch I am now. I will be going into plan B very soon. I am where you are, no damning proof but all the waving at me. DON'T take him back until he agrees on your terms both in words and actions. Stay strong!

thanks letgo,
so he sent me 6 emails yesterday(ignored them) called and asked to pick up firewood he sold for our son(he cuts wood, we have no woodburner) i said, ok, then he said, and started to cry, "i think i made a mistake. i don't want to be away from you. i am so sorry" i said, 'i simply gave you what you asked for. i wish i had done it sooner". he said how sorry he was....
then he shows up, i hide in our bedroomm, he spends time with our 22yr old, then asks to talk to me, i walk into the office and say, "did you file today?" he said, "no, i did not and i am not going to file". he started to bawl like a baby and told me how much he loved me and the kids and wanted to come back. i was very kind and comforted him. after 40minutes of him being rather emotional, he said i had better go deliver that wood. i said, "then you're coming back?" he said, " i don't know". then i got all p*ssy and said, "well i will go ahead and file then". oh gosh, it's a ride from H E L L. then my 15yr old tells him off, he and i go into the laundry room and hug and he tells me again how sorry he is, how much he loves me.
so, yes there was an affair let go? my p i called yesterday, she tracked him for a week-all he did was apartment hunt. his suspected honey is out of country so i don't know what next week adn beyond hold when she returns....
i am so sick, and confused, and still trying to heal from my surgery.
last night ws and i talked-he cried adn cried. this morning, he cried and cried over the phone, said he'd been up all night. so, this means NOTHING? mid-life? depression? guilt? what does it all mean?
am i a fool for still loving him? he said he was going to try and get a smaller apartment(i guess meaning cheaper and doesn't expect the kids to be there)
tell me, is this what cheaters do? he seems so sincere? i am going to vomit, i swear, over this...
this a.m. he's coming for bed, etc. should i be out of sight?
i have read the book-i know about "dark". am i supposed to let him hit bottom without me? am i supposed to have these feelings of love and protection for someone who is hurting me?
both of the lawyers i spoke with said a legal separation is worthless-file for divorce. I don't want a divorce, so what do i do?

Mom,
Your husband does sound like he is confused, ask him what he is willing to do now. You tell him that you need honest from him about everything and see what you find out............
Tell him if he is serious about not wanting to end the marriage then figure out a plan together that will keep both of you safe.......
Honesty
Truth about the affair,
Transparency with comp, phones, all whereabouts, all communications....
Counsceling for both of you. Maybe the kids as well.
Meeting each others needs.
If he still is going ahead with the move, let him, don't be there, don't help him, don't make it easy for him, let him feel every rotten thing he will feel during the process, let him figure out having an affair isn't worth losing everything you hold dear to you..............
Good for your kids, they are strong, don't you love, they just say what they feel, they don't filter like we do..............but remember they are hurting to. Lots of communication with them........okay.........why is there such a rush to file, just figure out the finances and come to an agreement there, and forget about filing for now.............
Yes protect yourself from all the pain he continues to send your way, Plan B is for you.................
If he is serious about not wanting to leave his family he will come up with a plan.....

Warning I am not good at these.

He is NEVER going to miss you with all this drama going on.
You are only making this worse on yourself.

IF he was so sorry, he would not have taken his (your) money away and would act like a stand up husband and father.

He would not have rented an apartment
Gotten an attorney
Had this "relationship" with this other woman.
Apparently blamed you for everything.

He would quit telling you with just WORDS that "he does not want this" and he would, by using actions show you what kind of H he could be.
Period.

You have an excellent set up/shot at a SOLID plan B. Right now. Today. Never going to get better than this.


A. Before the holidays.
B. At his behest - he rented the apartment-- you did not force him to do anything.
you look innocent.
C. Your family is solidly behind YOU right now. Use all this sympathy to your benefit.

Weeping around the house "hugging his photograph and weeping into his left behind socks" is NOT going to wake him up.

I believe the MB plan B is the best shot you have at saving this M.
Call Dr. H if you can..

Remember; WH has left the M. He is foggy. He is thinking only about himself. Everything else is drama.

Please protect yourself with a dark plan B.

thank you both so very much. i am really needing a help focusing on what i need to do(plan B)
thank you! it's time

Well, I am glad that you did not take my 2 x 4 the wrong way.

I really believe this is the only way to save this M.

Even tho I never did complete a PB, I have read about many posters who have not done a proper PB, who later regret it.

You only get so many shots, MB is the best thing you can do.

Have you posted your PB letter? Many here will help you.

Ditto!
Mom, you know I am right behind you (literally) My WH has said he is done, he said he is looking at buying a condo. I found the "offer" on a condo 2 miles from here in is bag this morning. So I am working on 2 plan B letters. One with OW mentioned (if I can find solid evidence) and one with out. I was where you are right now 2 years ago and here we go again. I SHOULD have plan B'd. DO IT! From your last post you have seen that you can't do plan A anymore. Your taker is po'ed and that is why you LB'd. DARK PLAN B DARK PLAN B DARK PLAN B DARK PLAN B DARK PLAN B.......

Mom --

Plan B is not letting him in the house in the middle of the night to get his belt.

Plan B is not accepting his phone call after 6 emails.

Plan B is not comforting him for 40 minutes while he cries about missing you.

What he wants is to be able to come home and talk to you. It relieves his guilt. He wants to know that there is still a "chance" even though he's moving into an apartment.

And YOU GAVE IT TO HIM. Now its safe for him to go do some more apartment shopping and setting up his new life, because he knows he still has you as an option! He hasn't pushed you too far yet!
YAY for him!

Is that your plan?

No, it isn't! Because you have read MB and you know that Plan B means that he needs to WONDER if he hasn't pushed you too far, and he'll never know for sure, because he isn't allowed to talk to you, email you, stop by the house.

And for your own protection, you need to not see his activities. You don't need to know he's buying towels -- because its just another dagger in your heart. We're trying to protect your heart. So that in the event that he finally pulls his head out of his [censored], you will still have some love protected for him.
If you watch him, and interact with him, you will be continually hurt and your love will be depleted. There is no recovery then...

Come on girl. Tighten up that Plan B.
Where is your letter? Where is your intermediary?
Get those locks changed and an attorney to protect your financial interests.

uh-huh.

uh-huh.

Watching a BS fail at plan b is akin to watching a bunny run into a buzz saw. Every time the bunny thinks the saw will not hurt it.

But we all know. As long as we are dealing with a foggy WW...

Nothing good will ever come out of it for the bunny. IT is an unfair match.

Over and over again.

mom,

barbiecat is giving you great advice - you can plan B without filing or even meeting with an attorney - try it NOW!!!!

ok, i get it i get it

i will post my plan b letter later. off to get my catether out and celebrate at lunch with my boys

It's been HOURS. Where is that PB letter? Please. Do it NOW. You really DO have the best opportunity RIGHT NOW to get this PB SOLID and most effective.

I sent this via email to ws on sunday(he would have read it on monday) not a pb letter? please advise(probably not a pb letter eh?)

I woke up in the middle of the night, thinking and thinking about our situation. I felt peace and God in my midst as I sat here, cuddled up alone by the Christmas tree. I sat and talked to God quietly, waiting for him to speak to ME, telling ME what it is He wants from me in all of this.

I flipped through your Bible and I read the notes on the bottom and the promo-pages as they are very easy reading and I am always looking for something that speaks to me.

I put the tv on and tried to watch religious television-nothing too great on at 5am. Neck pain, but no pounding migraine like yesterday, shoulders are throbbing, the tension is deep and unrelenting in my shoulder blades. Tummy is rumbling from the late night lasagna.

I started dabbling online-looking at my marriage website and another website on midlife crisis, more of the same reading. Nothing new or jumping out at me

I sit here and think about you and me, about our recent intimacies-how we have shared and talked and communicated, and how warm that makes me feel. I think about your inability to reach out to me, to want to touch me, hold me, love me. I think about my grief over these last two months and how much it all has hurt me, to the core, and yet I am still standing. I think about my relationship with God, how He has drawn me to Him, in a way I didn't know before.

I mostly think about how much I love you, and the fact that I believe in my heart that together, we can have a better life, a great marriage, a beautiful relationship. The only thing standing in the way right now is YOU. You are hesitnat, untrusting of my intentions, somewhat disbelieving of the changes I am making. I cannot change you, only me. I see and feel the potential for a tremendous change in our relationship-but you have your own agenda, one that does not include me in your life.

I am going to give you that. You are hesitant to leave our home. It IS going to hurt our kids. It is not my choice or decision. It is yours. You have talked to and received guidance from others-you are leaning towards this decision of leaving. IF you leaving will help YOU find what you are looking for, and bring you back to your family a more committed, loving and devoted man, then I realize you are doing what you must do.

If you are leaving to explore, to play single, to pretend you are someone other than yourself, then you will not have a wife or family to return to.

I am not in support of you moving out of our home, and disrupting our lives like that, but you are confused and looking for SOMETHING that I cannot give you, convince you off, or make you do. Staying here, married to me, in this family, must be YOUR choice, your decision. My desire is to be married to a man who delights in me, in our life together, in our time together, in our closeness. I want someone who is fully committed to ME, to meeting MY needs, with selflessness and no resentment. I have different needs than you, that's for sure, but my needs are not right or wrong, just different. I refuse to go on in a life where my needs do not count or matter, where I am sacrificing and not receiving. That is not what I want or deserve in my life.

I have grown to love you more in the last few weeks, although you have hurt me terribly. I see that you are a good man, that you have a sensitive heart and that you want to love. I don't know if you realize that your greatest opportunity for real love is right here, and it's me. We have built our life together, our memories, our history. Even though our past marriage was not the best, we did it together and we persevered through so much hard work and challenge. We did it! We didn't throw in the towel. We tried to give our family our best. Now we have uncovered many problems and weaknesses that have led us to this place. They are all avoidable, recognizable and not impossible to change. Given our upbringings, we have done much better than we should have!

I love you , I need you as a partner, friend and father to my children. I want you, as a lover and as a companion. I want to know you, to know your desires, thoughts, dreams. I want to help you make them a reality. I also want you to want the same for me. No holds barred. GIving of ourselves so that we feel oneness and deep love for each other. I am so ready for that, but you are not ready for that yet.

So, it seems that you have to go, on your own, upset our apple cart and family(because it will) and "find yourself". I cannot stop you from your own journey of discovery. I want a whole man, one who can love, accept, forgive and care for me, without reservations and without conditions. We are not there right now. I hae tried to show you my best. It becomes skewed with my worst-that is me, a whole person, warts and all. I will continue to learn more about me, to grow me, to love myself, forgive myself, accept myself. The end result will be a woman who is capable and ready for real love.

I want that man who receives my real love to be you. I love your blue eyes when you look at me intently, I love when you share your inner self with me, I love your manly exterior, I love your generosity. Those tihngs and more have to come from you willingly and when you are ready, I am praying that you will share all of yourself with me.

I am going to let you go, for now. I am going to pray for you to know God better in the next few weeks. I am going to pray that you don't fall into sin that can't be taken back. I am going to pray that you learn how much your kids want and need you as their father, as their friend(the older ones). I am going to pray that I will not harden MY heart in this process and love you less for leaving me and our kids. I am going to pray that you will come back to me, with an open heart, ready to love and to give yourself to me. I am going to pray for the outcome that I have always wanted-that you and I will be together, will love each other so much that nothing will ever separate us again. These will be my prayers.