Hmmm. It's a nice letter, mom. It's not a Plan B letter, though. Was that your intention, that this be a Plan B letter?

kind of but it's not so how do i do this? write it now and email it? you know i have no proof of a, right? he has not admitted anything right?
help me....

so i revised a previous letter, added some stuff. is this ok? i did not mention a persay, as i have no evidence...

please advise, thanks

What I am about to say comes from my heart and it is the most difficult thing that I have ever had to do in my life.

I love you with all of my heart. Even with all that has happened, I still consider you the love of my life and I still believe that you are the man I want to be with forever. I am still so very emotionally and physically attracted to you, and I still believe that we are meant to spend forever together. However, every time I see you or talk to you part of my heart is torn because I want so much for things to be different. I want so much more than you are willing to give to me right now.

I want you to know that I am so sorry for my part in creating the environment that helped to make this situation possible. I deeply regret that I did not give you the time, attention, and affection that you needed to be happy. I am desperately hoping that one day you will forgive me and allow us to create a new future together. I understand your needs better now and know that they are a priority in order to make this relationship a successful one.

During the past two months, I have been learning what a marriage should be and I have tried to show you love, attention and affection in the time we have shared. I have learned so many important things about you, your needs and what it takes to have an intimate relationship together. I know what is needed to make our marriage a happy, loving and supportive place to be. I have made so many changes. Some you may have noticed and some you have yet to discover. Most importantly I have learned that there isn�t anyone or anything as important to me as you are. I shared with you that I realize that the �pecking order� of our family must change, us first, kids second. I understand that this will ensure us a strong, loving relationship which will satisfy both of us and give us the love we desire from each other.

Whatever problems we had, I am confident that we can overcome them and that we can create a new life that allows us to spend time together meeting each other�s needs so that we can both be happy. I imagine a new life together, enjoying our time together, spending time together, sharing each other�s interests, and making new memories. Some of our needs seem so trivial-you want me to watch tv with you, I love when you go to the grocery with me. But those are things we can do very easily and often to strengthen our relationship. Just being near each other is a true expression of love and commitment to our relationship.

I have tried to connect to you even under these extremely difficult circumstances and I treasure all of the time that we have shared together. Some of our time together the last few weeks has been the most intimate of our entire marriage. I will never forget those moments. However, the current situation has become too excruciating for me to endure. At times the thoughts are unbearable. Yet I still have hope that one day we can truly recover the good times we have had and create a new life together that represents total commitment to each other, caring about and meeting each other�s needs, protecting each other, sharing our feelings, complete honesty, and spending time together.

So I ask you to please understand that I need to protect my feelings for you so that when you decide to give our marriage a new chance, I will still love you and want to try again. I think having no contact is the best way to create some distance and space for reflection about our relationship right now. I say this with tears in my eyes because this is not what I want. But knowing that you are so conflicted about being here, or being somewhere else, is destroying the love I have for you.


I want you in my life more than anything...but I want all of you and I want you all to myself. I feel that there is a force pulling you away from me, from us and it is so very painful. I realize that this break that you asked for is going to determine a lot for you, for myself and for our family.

If you decide that you want to work on building a new relationship with me, I promise you that I will leave the past behind us. God�s grace has given me the ability to look past our difficult relationship and see the possibility of an incredible future together. I ask you to do the same. I hope that one day soon you will decide to allow us to begin again.

I am going to continue with my counselor, trying to figure out what makes me tick, and how I can contribute to our marriage in a positive, healthy way. I fully believe that God is here in this with me, with us, and He can do anything with this relationship, helping us to build it into a marriage that will fulfill both of us and will be a beautiful example of commitment and love to our children.
I loved you when I married you. I continue to love you to this day. I will love you forever. I am praying for our marriage with hope and with love.
_________________________

okay, also we live in another state and do't have a go-between like is recommended.
ws just sent an email regarding "stuff" laundry soap,a sport coat, etc.

just answer the questions?

ooooh boy. Nice, but NOT a PB letter.

But I have never actually delivered one, I will leave the more sucessful PB'rs out there to help edit.

One thing I do know that someone with WW thinking (from an A or MLC or EA - whatever) There is #1 thing you can count on. (are you ready for this? It is going to hurt...)

WS do not really, really give a rats patoot about your feelings.
The are so self involved they can not/will not be able to feel your pain (tho they do a great job at faking it)

For you to spend time trying to educate/teach/describe/ learn-um good about what life is like for YOU right now (what you are going through) = pointless.

Trying to guilt them (with god/children/your pain or even a sense of justice) is not going to work. Only a repentant WW mind can allow or deny the end results of their actions.

From what I know PB is a love letter that clearly states your boundries re: situation and conditions for reconcilliation.

It does not apologise for setting boundries, advises them of an IM. Read the IM thread, and do not stab your IM in the back by talking to WW w/o IM.

It also shows the way back.

so, i copied this from a previous letter and you're telling mme it's not's a plan b letter? please help. i don't understand...i thought i WAS sharing my feelings of loove for hiim? no i am not?
i don't have much time. i don't have an intermediary. i just don't....
i am doing the best i can. please advise.

Think now. Who do you know that may be willing to help you on this? I mean really brain storm and ask you older children for ideas (do not use child as IM)

(Without and IM, PB does not help you, because you are constantly going to be triggered by his emails. texting, calls and visits.)

There will be more help here shortly.

i read of people who have to correspond with their ws...we are new to state, NO family here, NONE. no close friends...i can put the two little ones in teh laundry room where ws can pick them up for visits, etc. so i won't have ot see him.
what is the point of all of this? with someone who lies, and believes he's entitled to this, and has CONVINCED other people(christian mentor couple, therapist, his atty) that I(cap I) am the bad guy, the devil. what is the poinnt?
isn't God the only true inter-vener in this? i have read the book-my ws has NOT ADMITTED TO a, nor have i found proof. do i assume and act like he has anyway, and incite him further away from me?(he gets furious when trust issues come up-says i am attacking his integrity) etc etc...

You need to have a plan. The reason YOU can not be your own IM is the triggering. It is not about him it is about you. It is putting a "stopper" on the LB w/ds.

It is to give you peace with the drama. It is to shore up boundries and to let your H decide if he is going to stay a married man.

Your H is already gone. The M you had is phhfft. Is there a new life for your M? I hope so. but this "daddy drama" is only hurting yourself. Read the other threads about PB. Have you done that?

It destroys your own LB. If you want to follow another plan, who ever your read about, that is the way you should go.

But it not the MB way. There are reasons there are rules, not suggestions. Just like you are doing right now, you are looking at all the grizzley details and destroying your M.

Get out of that mindset. Stand up for yourself. I do not know anyone here who worked as their own IM and had a good result. (others?)
Have you read the other threads about plan B? There are some tremendously strong stories out there.

No God is not the only interveener in this. There are things you can do to help yourself.

take a step back, read some threads and learn.

mom, Plan B is intended to cut off all contact with the wayward. My concern with putting the kids in the laundry room, etc, when your WH comes over is that he's two feet away from being back in the house and in your company. There's nothing to stop him from waltzing right back in the house whenever he needs to get a 'dose' of you.

Is there a family member (in-state or out) who would be willing to be your go-between for communications via email and phone? Pick up and drop off arrangements can be made that way. Is there a neutral area nearby for pickups and dropoffs? A restaurant? Public library? Mall?

Mom,
Have you seen the movie Madagascar? Is soon as I saw this post I thought of this line from the movie. "Smile and wave boys, smile and wave." He thinks everything is going to be great and he has thought of everything. You know he forgot about some major things, like fuel (in the movie) you are the fuel that helped him keep going. Close the gas station. Don't open it until he comes begging at the door, all a mess after walking 10 miles. Make sure he doesn't have a gas can in his hand, that will only be enough fuel to last him until the next time he runs out of gas.

I would like to add, do not let him trickle his stuff out. If he is gone, ALL his stuff is gone. If he leaves stuff there it is an opening for him to stop by to get something. I have been gathering WH's in the different area's of the house so it is ready when he decides to move out. I will make it crystal clear that this is my home, not his storage facility. He will have his own home and that is where his stuff should be. When he babbles about me being vindictive, selfish not thinking of the kids etc. I will tell him he has chosen to leave the marriage. I need to take care of myself and heal. I need to take care of me so I can be a great mom to the kids. They deserve that. I really don't think he realizes how much crap he has. That is going to be an eye opener (and a back ache) when he has to move everything.

I am not an editor, but I gave it a shot.

I believe a PB is a love letter that clearly states boundries, explains the reasons for, and the conditions you need to see before spouse can return home.

Your origional letter is good, but I get the feeling that you are still apologising to him for his actions. stop that.

Your letter was gorgeous. Since you emailed it to him, consider it part of your plan A. In the book Surviving An Affair, it is said that letters are a good form of communication to waywards. Let's say that email was such.

Now, I couldn't find a link to the plan B letter in the book but I would follow that letter for your actual plan B letter. Plug in names that are appropriate in your case and basically follow that sample.

It clarifies the road back to the marriage for him if he ever is able and chooses to take it. It has love letter written all over it but guidelines to recover. It states your boundaries which are crucial to being in plan B. That comes in handy for WH and for you. You both will know the score. He will try to press boundaries and you will have your IM or you yourself if cornered will gently but firmly refer him back to the boundaries of stated in the letter.

I recommend trying to network for an IM and a convenient, trustworthy person to be drop off and pick up of kids.

You need a good support network for when you are in plan B. You will have lots of emotional space vacated by your WH that will need to be filled for your own strength of spirit.

Consider that an important aspect of plan B........finding new people to bond with and spend time with and to be part of your future (with or without WH).

barbie cat,
here is what i added in that spot-ok?

If you decide that you want to work on building a new relationship with me, we need to have clear agreement about our most important needs, our willingness to meet the other person�s needs and our commitment to our marriage. I need honesty and commitment to this relationship before we can attempt to come together again as a couple.

i liked your edits but know that this letter was "copied" from somewhere here, i changed the wording to suit my writing style a little adn added some stuff. but it was another example, not my own

wrapped some christmas presents, sneezed without peeing myself(i know tmi, but that was what the surgery was for! yay! and looking forward to a good afternoon.
thanks to all-i need the support and it does make sense. i am kind of dense as my emotions cloud me a lot. i don't mind a smack or a slap if it'll help the cause!

he sent me info about apartment, location, perks(two pools, jacuzzi, pool room-sounds very bachelor-y) but no apartment number. got a garage for his vehicle his car has not been in a garage for 23 yrs! must want to hide his honey's car while she visits...darn that tracker that will remain on his car....tsk tsk. i am not as dumb as i look!

Shoudn't the letter also state no further contact with OM?

I just thought your letter sounded like you were apologising to him for your actions.

You have nothing to apologise for. Not at this point.

He needs to clearly be told what the boundries are, your intentions to create a happy marriage and what he needs to do to garner YOUR acceptance of his return.

What you write is up to you.