Have you ever tried meditation to control your thoughts? Its not hippy crap, it really works.

Seems that every time you post, a lot of what hurts is guessing and worrying about things that you wonder about.

Just try it. It could help you hear all the thoughts buzzing around causing you frustration, and you then can reason them away.

Prayers for your Dad, and peace to you.

My thoughts too, and its not her job to read minds, or his.

Just take care of your own thoughts and actions Harmony, as long as he is gone, and not willing to accept help, thats all you can do.

Harmony, FWIW, the reason I needed to be apart from my H before I would consider reconciling was that I had to be READY for whatever he was going to throw my way, which I knew was going to be�. interesting.

I was so incredibly raw. My fear demanded that I take time to insulate myself from him, to put in place yet another level of protection, to be absolutely certain my internal walls were well fortified. I recognize that that isn�t the proper attitude for a WS to have, and don�t care.

That time truly was for ME and had not one thing to do with OM. It wasn�t so much avoidance as it was processing and preparation.

Helen Fischer, an anthropologist, has an interesting observation about infidelity that I haven�t seen discussed much and that is that the unfaithful spouse may be resistant to reconciliation because of fear of the faithful spouse�s rage that seeks to annihilate that unfaithful spouse. I�ve read numerous threads and posts from faithful spouses on this forum who fit that description perfectly. I think Harley addresses this issue with his prohibition on ever discussing the A after the details are out, but that position doesn�t seem very popular on the forum.

Helen Fischer gives an interesting talk on the brain chemistry of love at the Ted Talks, link here: Helen Fisher Ted Talk

I'm a Ted Talk junkie. Check out Sir Ken Robinson as well if you are interested in education and conventional wisdom.

I don�t know if that is what is going on with your H or not, but thought I would throw it out there for you to consider. I�m trying to give the guy the benefit of the doubt which is becoming difficult, but maybe he truly is conflicted.

I have to say that him not showing up to support you with your dad is very telling. This isn�t something he can fix later.

CP is right � these are the times you learn SO much, but the price paid for the knowledge can seem way out of whack.

Brothers are AWESOME though -- hang onto that! I gave up my brother under the "if they knew about the A and didn't tell your H they have to go" rule. The daily pain of knowing I'm not permitted to call him is really the worst part of the whole gig for me. Just compensation sucks. Maybe someday H will allow me to reconnect. Or maybe not.

This is an opportunity for you to really bond with your brother -- he could become one of your best friends in all the world.

I�m so sorry you are going through this -- I wish I had more to offer.

Interesting link about Love...

Seriously, I'd love to see you start an "other topics forum" thread to discuss just that video as it really seems to support much of Dr. Harley's work and theories, the fundamental basis of which is that long term romantic love is obtainable and sustainable in marriage.


Speaking of love and your comment about the posters on MB...I believe I see a lot of the posts you so perceive here on MB with much different lenses. A lot of people put a lot of their time, hopes and LOVE into voluntarily helping people, both waywards and betrayed's alike, as they deal with, process and overcome this issue of infidelity. We/they are NECESSARILY tough at times but we/they, for the most part (we get more than our share of trolls and liars on this board from time to time but they tend to get banned pretty quick nowadays), are TRYING to be helpful. We are not professional marital counselors and we are human...we make mistakes, misstatements and are NOT always right. If you met me, my wife, Melody Lane, MaritalBliss, Vibrissa, Justlearning, Mark1922, Saynomore, not2fun, Markos, PrincessMeggy, Tully, LousyGolfer, BlackRaven, etc, etc., etc., in real life, you'd like us. We are truly internet friends united here to help individuals and marriages by giving back all that we gained here. We are friends of your marriage.

It is good to see your individual spirit coming out. Keep it up. You seem to be gaining in self-confidence. That will hopefully aid your recovery.

Mr. Wondering

[sidebar - what if nothing you heard about me/us was true? You really should ask questions and request proof and then question "proof". It's what we were trained to do, counselor. For example, despite claims, I never posted a link to any individual posters xw's state supreme court case. So why do some say I did? Do they deliberately lie to "annihilate" me or my reputation?. No - I think not. My posts here over 5 years speak for themselves. Instead I believe it's a conspiracy of lies and half (or less) truths to undermine YOURS (and others) relationship and trust of the persons, principals and principles (the Harleys) of and on this board that have been trying to help you, and harmony and hundreds of other persons for a long time now. Essentially, "they" are attacking you and your marriage as their sole motivation is to get you away from here, NOT to help you, your husband and your family. YOU need to beware the honey that drips from the unrepentant adulterers, fornicators, abusers, liars and other nefarious person's lips. To them you are nothing more than a poker chip...to us, you are a potential future success story. Post wherever you want. There are plenty of people coming in daily that want and could really use our time so it's no loss to US. IMO, MB really is the best. It has done wonders in my personal life so truly YOU (and your family) will be the ones missing out. Remember too...that most of us are happily recovered and romantically in love with our former wayward spouses. We have experienced first hand the journey our former wayward spouses went on from wayward to repentance, through just compensation to restoration and full recoveries and romantic love and all of us HOPE the same for you. WE are truly NOT the "haters" nor the "abusers". So who is??? Just something to ponder. I don't need or want a response at all and do not anticipate a discussion..especially here on Harmony's thread. If you have any questions or need assistance...my wife and I share an email address below. Email my wife.

I apologize to others if this makes no sense to them...it's not really supposed to.

Morning Guys

Thanks for your posts, as ever thanks for your time and support.

It is a confusing time for me as sometimes I am not sure if I am grieving over my Dad or my H. Things make sense now why my Dad was trying to support me this year in my situation as he wanted to see my situation 'sorted'. I really hope that I have not disappointed him.

I do feel low, and I know it will only be temporary. I just have to climb out of it somehow. I feel a little better today.

It is so hard though. I guess I am frightened of not being able to get over my H if things don't work out, and never being able to forgive myself for bringing this on myself. I have not being able to forgive myself for my A, and it seems to get worse. In my own paranoia I feel as though people are thinking it serves her right.

In regards to H, my imagination runs wild. Whatever he may be doing it can't be that bad otherwise he would be making attempts to come home. It seems in the first couple of weeks since I started Plan B, that he made 3 attempts to return home.

I have read lots of other threads here on MB, there was one thread which was similiar where there was a FWW and her H went into withdrawal and had a revenge affair. The advice that the FWW was getting was slightly different to mine and it was more about, chipping away at her H to show how much she had changed and let him know she was thinking of her. The thread title was "want to work marriage out after my affair".

My H sent a card to my Dad. It was a nice card, talking about one of the happy memories my H and I had shared with my Dad. It really affected me.

I am so confused. One part of me is angry with him for the horrendous way he has treated me this year and feel that I should give up and file. The there is this other part of me that feels that I treated him horrendously and that he checked out of the M and I should me making more effort to win him back.

At the end of the day he has not filed for D, has not made it clear that he has no one else and still tries to maintain some contact and has not taken the rest of the stuff away therefore he does not want to make it final. What will it take to bring him back? Have I got so weak that I will take him back at any cost? Then work on the issues....

Maybe I need a session with SH to work these things out.

I do feel slightly annoyed as he was starting to break in Plan B, coming round very upset and angry and his imagination running wild with what I am doing. Then I broke Plan B, and he seems to be a lot calmer again.

I really do feel that the only thing that is going to work is me cutting off all contact, moving on with my life, and going out and about showing I am happy (essentially Plan B). Only then when he sees me moving in will he come back and offer an olive branch. This is difficult with whats happening with Dad.

There is always this need to protect myself, and try and end things in my mind as I am scared if I hang in on hope that I will get some bad news such as

I have a new GF
I got someone pregnant
I have found a place to rent
I can never forgive you
I am happier without you

So there is that need to mentally try and get over him.

I have taken a real beating too and feel that my confidence is at an all time low. My ability to mess up my M, that I am dour and unhappy, that I can't get my chit together. H said a lot of things to me which I still hear such as I am not fun and that I am never made enough effort with his family and so on...

There is also a small part of thats thinks what would life be like with someone new. Not talking about doing this unless I am D, but it has start to crss my mind. There were a lot of issues with H, and the thought of being with someone new who perhaps I a more compatible has started to cross my mind.

Once again, thanks for being here. SOmetimes if I am honest I wander of MB does me any good, I think it has given me lots of HOPE. Something I would have given up on a long time ago and maybe that would have been a good thing......

Sorry lots of rambling but these are my thoughts.

What your going through is tough. No advice or observations right now. Heading out the door. TTYL

Hugs to you

P.S.
You wandering thoughts about your WH; girlfriend, pregnancy, can/will forget you, better without you...ect.

are 100% normal IMO. That does not mean they are true or rational, just that your brain is trying to put forth reasons for the situation.
That is why I think plan b is helpful. It trys to get you away from focusing on these scenarios.

The dreams get very wild, don't they?

Hi Harmony,
Just wanted to check in on you, I think where your thoughts are these days is very normal, I think when you are faced with losing someone you love it puts things in perspective about wasting life itself.......
It makes you figure out what is important, you may find this to be true and clearer during this time in your life, you are grieving for both I think your father and your husband........
Harmony, I think you know that your husband must know what you are going through and he has chosen to stay away during your time of need, I think if this was me I would know that maybe he is really moved on without me, times like this most people can put aside our own feelings for a bit and be supportive.
I'm not seeing this, I realize you are separated but you would think he would show more interest in your well being if he truly was interested in working things out with you..............
Plan B is a very good idea for you and I think when you come through all of this with your father and you reconnect with your family a bit you will be wiser and I think the rest of your life will be in clear focus............
My thoughts are with you and I pray for your family and for clarity for you......
Future thoughts are a good thing, mistakes are part of life.........makes us strong and able to cope with whatever life throws at us.............you are there.........

What Jessie says is true about greiving. Losing a mate feels like a death also, because it is a seriuos loss to you.
Just take your time and don't panic, this too shall pass.

Read the Helen Fisher link. There was a special on "The science of attraction" done on TV about a month ago also that talked about brain chemistry and love. What was surprising was of course, they could even measure couples who had been together years and were still in love. The dopamine still flowed, but it was more deep and complex, using different areas of the brain.

But its no surprise to us is it? Its a drive in us, beyond sexual and it will allways be there in some way. A passion for relationship and in that way we are important, because someone else loves us too.

Sorry don't wanna start the tear jerker effect. Just being honest with friends here. It hurts for now because it is normal to feel pain Harmony from all this. Its good for me to hear I was not a fool for loving my late wife, and holding onto hope even when she was really messing up her emotional and physical health, even if it was just for my children, to show them you don't give up, you stick, "In sickness or in health". My wife left me when I was sick and out of work when her fear and addiction took over, but that doesn't mean I would leave her out on the street, and my kids know and respect that about me, and themselves too.

So now there is no one person I can focus on, except myself, and in a way, that is where we all should be most of the time, while we are confidant our mate is watching our back. It doesn't mean that they are and this site is proof that people make grave mistakes that carry cosequences to thier relationships, but it also is a place of healing for those accepting that they are human, fallable, and in need of guidance in life and love.

Hope you find comfort in knowing that love exists and is important Harmony for all of us, and knowing your on your way to healing.

God Bless

Hello MB Friends

My Daddy (I seem to call him that rather than Dad at the mo!) passed away the early hours of Monday morning. I really didn't want him to go, but I knew he had enough. He saw my bro, then 36 hours later went.

I am actually doing OK and seem to be supporting my older sisters, talk about role reversal. I can only credit this place for making me strong enough to get through this.

I hope I am not going to have some kind of delayed reaction, but I feel the tears will probably come in the future when I need to speak to him about something.

I have an update on H too, but later....

I am so sorry for your loss Harmony. I understand about losing your "daddy". There just are no words.

(((Harmony)))

I'm so sorry for your loss, Harmony.

So very sorry, Harmony. I lost my daddy this year, too.

Hi Harmony. Been reading all your posts. Just wanted to tell you I'm sorry for your loss. Will post more to you later, right now take care of yourself. Mitzie

I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

Hi Harmony,
So sorry to hear about your daddy's passing,
Good men are hard to give up Harmony.........it takes time..........
You are blessed to have had time in the end with him, cherish that time forever, he will always have his place in your heart..........
(hugs)
jessi

Very sorry to hear of your loss Harmony. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family during this difficult time.

I'm very sorry for your loss, dear Harmony
(((((hugs))))

((((((Harmony))))))

Sorry for your loss. Prayers are going out to you. Take care hun