Hey, you dont have to do anything today. Wait a few weeks before deciding anything. Nothing you do today will have any effect. Just relax and take the burdon off of yourself. Give it a few weeks, you just had the psychological blow of the Dad's passing you cannot and should not expect yourself to remain clear about things.

In the future you might try these two things before taking him back.

1. A polygraph to see if he is with another woman or what he did with how many other women.

2. A private investigator now to see what is up with him.

3. A counselor to help him become a better man and get your marriage on a good track


Because of your husband's physical abuse, I would leave him and get a divorce pronto but that is just me. I happen to believe that no one should stay with a physical/psychological abuser. On top of that theSE facts that he cheats and drinks too much and gets out of control.... would be icing on the cake to leave him. If you ever want children, this man has to completely change his life, his personality, and his morals. And that will take a lot of very hard work.

It is very very hard for someone to change all that he is now. Certainly if you want a happy marriage...or you want to create precious children, you would not be able to do it with this man now or in the near future.

It might take 5-7 years to work hard at the marriage, have this man work very very hard to get himself to NOT CHEAT, BE MATURE, CUT THE OUT OF CONTROL DRINKING and LEARN TO HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE WITH YOU. In addition, you would have to change yourself completely, your enabling behavior, your low self esteem (evident by what you put up with from this man, and your affair behaviors with other men) and your morals. Leepords rarely really change thier spots.

Do you two want to work very very very hard TOGETHER and make a number of difficult changes?????

I would leave him and get an attorney on Monday. But of course you may not be ready for that. You might instead find out if he is lying to you now and see if you can make the 7 years of hard changes you two need to make to be ready to have a good marriage and create a family.

Thanks Bubbles you are so kind. I have to give myself some time to deal with my dear Dad passing.

As JL says I need to stop putting my happiness in his hands, I see him, get my expectations up and then get all upset and angry.

I need to just focus on myself and not worry about what he is upto. I can't make a decision right now.

Thank you all so much. I am a much calmer person since I came here just wish my H wanted to share that with me.

Did you ever get an IC Harmony? For all of us who worry about you, and are able to do much more than give you advice, from the very speculative point of view of a computer keyboard,(and quite personnaly insulated BTW, which it should be), we can't take the place of someone trained and sees you face to face.

Have you seen a grief counselor? I am not saying you need to stay wallowing in grief, but it is a process, with steps in it, that each person goes thru at thier own pace, and in thier own order. There are also books to help you understand what happens. Its a place where you are alone, but yet have not been the first one to experience the process. Even though there is no cookie cutter way to go through it, everyone goes through the stages as they apply to them, and denial is part of it.

This forum is not qualified or is its members to really look into your eyes and read your body launguage or does it know you in real life enough to help you as much as an IC counselor. Again that is what makes this a good place to discuss matters of a personal nature because it is all thought and intelectual, which we all need also in reasoning things out. But it has that place and thats it. The pain you are going thru with losing Dad, and not having H to really lean on because of His issues, must be awful right now.

Psychologcally you really are going thru two grieving periods and processes, its about feeling alone, probably the most painful thing someone can feel, abandoned and alone. Its like a death when a spouse doesn't care for you anymore, especially when it is by choice, and you were allready going thru this when your Dad passed, which just deepened it more. Trying to lean on H when it feels like he might pull the rug out from under you is probably a bad idea now, and I worry that the underling fear that you have might play games with your mind, and you will seek comfort from the wrong places.

Please talk to SH. I bet he will tell you to draw close to what family you believe love you, and what freinds you can trust have your best intersests at heart, along with the advice to let your marriage issues go for now until you process some of Dads passing. He might even suggest an IC, IDK.

We will all be here supporting you with the best of our capacity and ability, you can count on that, as well as you can count on this passing also from your life. I would just feel better if you had an IC, someone you could call, that could help you share this stuff, and process it too.

Prayers for you, your going to be OK. God bless

I do have low self esteem, something for me to work on. Problem is others would laugh at that as most people see me as attractive so when I use to ask H if I looked nice or wanted a compliment he would tell me I'm vain.

But yes need to work on not needing others approval, but believe me the fact that I am confident more in my own decisions, the fact that I can self soothe, the fact that I am less afraid of conflict and communicating how I feel, are massive steps forward.

Yeah, most people will get that. But then there is that old adage,"You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". Just make sure you do. Many good people who care about you are here, and are sharing your pain with you. I hope to share in your joy also some day. One day at a time right now ok?

Yes ok Constant, thank you.

I do sometimes question why I want my H back, only for the right reasons though. In the meantime keep working on myself, next project low self esteem!

I get confused about how to proceed with H.

I get confused because of how he has treated me, I know I treated him bad, but he has purposely gone out to see me suffer.

Oh well I know I can forgive he has just never asked for it.

do sometimes question why I want my H back, only for the right reasons though. In the meantime keep working on myself, next project low self esteem!

I get confused about how to proceed with H.

Here is a novel and different thought for you. Did you ever consider that neither YOU nor your HUSBAND were ready for marriage to each other?

1. You both have low self esteem
2. You need the approval of others
3. You have not yet learned to know yourself and love yourself
4. You depend on other men for assurance you are attractive
5. You NEED other men for approval, attention, and diversion
6. You have not learned to stand emotionally on your own feet
7. Your husband is out of control in various areas such as drinking behavior, physical and emotional abuse to others, need for other women, etc.
8. You are out of control in various areas such as MEN, NEEDING MEN AREA, needing others to define you, confusion as to who you are and what YOU LIKE in life, morals are confused as you are willing to cheat on a loved one, you demand attention from men, you are weak around men and forget who YOU are around them, you depend a lot on men to decide important things for you,,,,etc,,,,etc,,,

All these things tell me you were not AND ARE NOT NOW ready for marriage to anyone. So therefore your marriage to your husband was doomed from the start as is any future marriage until you WORK THESE THINSG OUT FOR YOURSELF.

If you agree your marriage with this man was doomed from the start, the choice is easy. Either redo the entire marriage and both of your personalities to create a NEW GOOD MARRIAGE to this man.....will take 6-8 years....



OR: Move on and get a divorce, work hard on your issues, and meet the perfect match for YOU and get married and have a wonderful family and marriage for the rest of your life!~!!!!

For you, you can work on these things and more to make yourself into the woman who could have a good marriage and family.

1. Crystalize your own moral values and agree with yourself, IN STONE, to never cheat again.

2. Figure out why you need the attention of various men so badly and QUIT ALL THAT BEHAVIOR.

3. Figure out who YOU are and what YOU like and what YOU want in YOUR life (apart from any person including any men)

4. Quit letting men rule your life or support it emotionally or otherwise

5. Find out why you seem to need MEN to prop you up.

6. Take the props away (MEN) and learn what you have left.

7. Learn all about yourself and learn to love yourself

8. Develop inner confidence apart from your looks

9. Hone out a plan for your life that you develop yourself

10. Do a 1 year plan for your life on paper

11. On paper, Do a 2 year 5 year and 10 year plan/projection of where you want your life to be specifically where you want to live, how you want to live, who you want to be with, what pets you want, children, etc. How you want to BE. How you want to BEHAVE, how you want to interact with others.

This is the hard work you must do in payment for a wonderful marriage and family. Others can add to this list. If you do this hard work on YOURSELF and FOR YOURSELF, you can be ready for the RIGHT MAN at the RIGHT TIME and have a GREAT MARRIAGE AND FAMILY!!!!

My late wife was model material in the looks dept. I get it where people assume that if your good-looking, you must have it made, and problems are not really problems.

She could allways get attention from men, there was allways some guy wanting to be her hero, and she could play the part well also when she was scared and desparate enough. It was either talking about her horrible childhood, or another embarasing Damsel in Distress thing she would do, that she would hate herself for after when she came to her senses. The woman inside was who I loved. She allways came back seeking forgivness when she would go out on a tear and do something she knew she shouldn't because she paniced. I understood that, and actively forgave her, sucked up my pride and belived the best even though it hurt me, because in my mind, I was not going to let her tear herself up more, because I believed in her, and I saw who she was and how she really loved.

But when things scared her, and she was afraid, she would get angry and bitter at the world. She would fight back by being nasty and self-destructive as any teenager who rebels at those times. She did not want to grow up, and like many other people in the world, there allways seems to be a place you can go to play games. Her loss was in her self-worth, and the most visible worth on the outside was her looks, so she used it. That with the complication of her having alcohol problems, was her downfall.

I could have remained her friend at a distance if we did not have a child together while she worked things out. It was like jeckle and hyde. What a wonderful woman she was not drinking, more than any man could ask for, and she will allways be the love of my life. I am still processing the loss of THAT woman, the one my children saw also,and let me tell you, it will confuse and be an issue that will haunt my children all thier life. It is getting better, she is at peace now, and we still are letting her go.

It still haunts me, so unessesary a loss of a beautiful lady. Such a capacity to love others, and none to love herself, or to trust that it wasn't about control of what others thought of her. or thier opinions of her.

I remember a story she told me when she was working at 20 at a bar in her home town. Like I said, she was an exteremly beautiful woman, offered to be a model and her friends said her looks, "exuded sex". She had that exotic look about her, tall, dark hair and she was part indian too which added to it. Well, she was not looking to date anyone at that time, and kept pretty much to herself. There were rumors being spread about her, that she was a lesbian, or that she was a hooker. She told me that story about the time when I first met her, and I shared with her the opinion that all that gossip was about the people who spread it, and thier own insecurities. You could tell that still bothered her.

You know looks are really just a reflection of health, and often abused by the ones blessed enough to have health. The beauty inside is so often overlooked or ignored in this world, I am glad you are responding to the character and people here who are truly living in that reality that what you do, reflects true beauty.

Your gonna be OK, time Harmony, you have all the time in the world, and don't panic about anything.

What do you mean? {{harmony}}

Bubs, thats am awsome list, may we all do those things.

I think Harmony in many ways found herself here like others have who thought marriage was gonna take care of itself, and relationships too, until things fell apart.

Now she has to do it, and she is learning that, but like all of us sometimes think, we deserve it now.

Right now, she needs to take some time and go slowly, with freinds to support her, in the very things you mention.

MelodyLane wrote something to me when I first joined here after losing my wife. It is good advice. Here it is.


I remember that I need to fight for something. That in my life it has been the question, "What will I fight and die for?"

When I look at the men and women who died for our country and thier sacrifice and conviction, and that they died to protect our right for freedom, I respect and believe that anybody who gave me freedom, loves me.

There are chains that bind us in our fear of change, and in our minds we must fight them also. When we don't feel worth it, or have the luxury of feeling sorry for ourselves, life just might bring change whether we like it or not. It seems unfair, and maybe others have hurt us, but we must still fight. How we will fight is very much the issue, and what we stand for.

I have never been a "The end justifies the means", person. So sometimes walking away from a foolish argument is an active part of fighting the crap. Sorta like the proverb, "Follow a fool into his folly and become as foolish as them" I won't win at the expense of others, or feel I have won anything by hurting them.

So we choose our battles, and we come out with bloody noses or worse sometimes, but its all good, as we grow.


The real battle is within ourselves, our fears and expectations. and the losses we think we have when others hurt us.

High words I know, but you only have one chance to live your life right, and I still aspire to do so, not because I think I am worth it by my own definition, but as we all do by Gods.

So will Harmony come to a place of safety inside and atart thinking life is not so bad? That there is hope she can fight and change her life from the inside out? I certainly think so. I know God does, and when she realizes, like we all nned to, that her destiny is in her hands alone. She will hopefully fight for what she wants with the full knowledge she has no other choice, and that is exactly where God wants her.

Take a break Harmony, Cyberhugs young lady

Hi Barbie

I just feel sometimes that I can't cope and that I just feel such a failure.

I feel a failure for not being healthy enough to be in a great marriage with a family, and I feel its so far way.

I may have been triggered as I just found out a friend of mine is 13 weeks pregnant, she has been with her partner for 6 months. I want that so much.

I am also a frustration for everyone around me as they see my just stuck in limbo still, they have seen me like this now for nearly 2 years. So I feel they are dissapointed.

Sorry not asking for pity party. JUst the way I feel. Otherwise why would I be in this situation at 35? Because I have made some horrendous choices, so what does that make me? Confidence crisis.

HI Bubbles

Thanks for your post, there were some very good suggestions. I like the idea of having a plan that would be GREAT.

I would like to have a plan to move forward, but why do I need to work on myself so much, I thought I had come a long way? Surely I don't need that much work. I am not that bad. I would say that I am quite strong in relation to a lot of my friends ect...

I have a friend who has been single for 6 years and comes across as desperate, I have a friend who is 37 and has only had a 6 month relationship, I have a friend who just went out and had a baby with a married man, and I have a friend who is incapable of being on her own.

So I think I am quite strong dealing with all of this and getting on well.

I just struggle to understand if H is really that bad and abusive or just hurt and confused?

I need to take control of the situation as he isn't, perhaps when the funeral is over will be the time to sit down and POJA what is going to happen so we can both move forward. I cannot Plan B for a definete amount of time. I have my bio clock to consider.

Thank you all for listenging to me, it must be painful surely

Hi Constant

Thanks for your post re Melody. You know what I come here and vent but my friends and family dont see any of it, they are think I am doing OK and can;t believe how strong I have been over my Dad. I read a story like Melodys and you always know that in relation to what could happen to me, what I am going through is not even that bad. A death of a parent is difficult but I have to be able to cope with that as what if something really traumatic did happen? I think maybe that the situation with my H has gone on a long time and that coupled with my Dad is double trouble. I allowed things to get on top of myself this weekend and was able to reach out here.

Break time


Thank you for your support, I am truly appreciative.

Hubby is both, I am sure of it.


God is with you harmony, this too shall pass, and you don't have to figure it all out today. You are a very real woman with a lot of things to figure out. Time and support.

Its important to get outside of that and forgive them, for you as well as them. So bittereness does no effect you. Then when men pay attention to you, you can expect respect, even demand it.

OK going to work on a project, hope others are close to support you today.

Constant PITA checkin out for now lol. TTYL

Thanks Constant you have been there for me a lot, you are very kind, and your eyes/ears must be hurting TTYL

I would like to have a plan to move forward, but why do I need to work on myself so much, I thought I had come a long way?

Yes, you have come a long way! But you have a long way to go also. Two weeks ago you called up your old lover for emotional support! Two weeks ago you gave your husband a new key to your home! You are confused now and feel helpless. You do not know what you want. Or what you should want. In life. You can improve, get stronger, and you will be happier!

Surely I don't need that much work. I am not that bad. I would say that I am quite strong in relation to a lot of my friends ect...

Your friends are very troubled. And dysfunctional. Why do you hang out with people who are not functional and have no morals?

I have a friend who has been single for 6 years and comes across as desperate,

Weak, weak, weak! Out of control neediness. She needs help with her self esteem. Before she can marry or anything.

I have a friend who is 37 and has only had a 6 month relationship,

This is the troubled one who just found out she is 13 weeks pregnant???? She started having sex with the man WITHOUT PROTECTION a month after she met him? Or before that,,maybe right when she first met him!!!! They have only been dating 6 months and do not even know each other. Now she is creating a precious child with this man who she is not even married to? How smart is that? How out of control is she? She is very troubled and out of control selfish.

I have a friend who just went out and had a baby with a married man

This woman is your friend? She just ruined a marriage and her child's life (plus the man and his family and other children). She is the most selfish of the bunch of your friends you talk about here. She is nearly criminal in what she did. She is TOXIC to a man and his family and her unborn but precious ......child.....She might as well have KILLED somebody. And you consider her a "friend"???? I would quickly dump a friend like that one.

I have a friend who cannot be alone...

Another troubled woman who will grasp onto ANY man in order to keep herself from feeling alone or lonely. It is sad. This woman also needs counseling and healing of her self esteem since she has to be comfortable alone before she can have a good relationship. She is SETTLING for any man in order not to be alone. That is weak, shows no courage or strength.


So I think I am quite strong dealing with all of this and getting on well.

I beg to differ! You are comparing yourself with women with severe self esteem issues, the very selfish, and "near criminals" who are committing the crime of adultery and are busy breaking up families adn creating fatherless children. We could all compare ourselves to these types of people and come out shining.

It is not good to compare ourselves with other people but if you are going to do it try comparing yourself to a nice, kind, normal, functional, woman who has good self worth and morals and cares about others and would not ever ever ever even think about cheating, breaking up marriages, becoming pregnant with someone elses husband, grasping onto men as if they were life preservers, having unprotected sex with a new boyfriend and creating a precious child who may end up being fatherless!!!!!!

Do you have any normal and decent friends who are not busy ruining thier lives and the lives of other people around them????

Harmony, I get the drift now why your life is carreening ahead out of control like it is. The friends you hang around with reflect on yourself. And these friends have big problems!!!!

No wonder your husband seems almost "normal" and you cannot tell if he is abusive or not
No wonder you feel you are pretty much OK as you are
No wonder you do not always see problems in your marriage or in life.

If most of your friends are like this mottly bunch you told us about, then your role models are flawed. Therefore you will not be able to have proper judgement for your own life. I am saying this wrong and cannot explain it well but the type of friends you ACCEPT into your life reflect on your morals and your level of maturity. This is the way with all of us.

The friends you hang out with influence your own life more than you realize. I found this out when I was friends with an alcoholic for a while and bad things happened to me such as getting a DUII because i went to her house and we drank too much. I thought I should "accept her" as a person. But this was wrong. Accepting her as a friend into my life meant I was accepting her addiction and her negative lifestyle. I had to dump her as a friend. I could have died driving home from her house instead of getting pulled over by the authorities. And she could care less. She did not try and stop me from driving either but it was not her responsibility. Instead I discovered that it was my responsibility to pick my friends better. And to stay far away from people like her.

To illustrate this more, you would not hang out with criminals or heroin addicts would you? No. Because they are not like you and could be a detriment or a "negative influence" to you and your life.

I suggest you find out what your morals are, what your limits are, etc. Then find friends who believe the same as you do.

For example if you do not believe in a woman breaking up a marriage, do not hang around with a woman who is actively breaking up marriages!!!!

If you do not believe in creating a child with a brand new boyfriend then question why you are hanging around that particular friend who is having unprotected sex with her new boyfriend and asking for accolades for concieving an illigitiment child with him!

You can accept people..everyone... as they are.... but you do not need to accept them into your life as "friends".

The insecure friends you have do not seem as bad as these two but you must remember it is not good to have a steady diet of dysfunctional people coming into your life and remaining very close to you. It is not good for YOU to spend hours with these kinds of people.

Very astute bubbles. Kinda goes with the old adage, "If all your friends were gonna jump off a bridge, would you too?"

JL pointed out your Sis as a role model Harmony. Can you think of more women you admire? Organizations, Churchs, clubs or groups that have similar interests to yours? Surround yourself with healthy people, and glean from them. We all need role models and heros to look up to in real life. Sometimes people who are dangerous to us must be left behind, maybe we still love them, but we can't let them in to much, and influence us.

Your getting there