My husband and I both had affairs. Everything was exposed in June. My husband had an affair with one of our friends who happens to be our son's best friends mom. I was devastated when I found out. The truth is that I was also hiding an affair. I decided to tell my husband about my affair after I found out about his. My husband originally wanted me to think his one time with my friend was a mistake and he wanted to go to marriage counseling until I disclosed my situation. I had been having an affair for over a year. So now he only focuses on what I did. He will not go to counseling and forced me out of the house. I still love my husband and have been doing everything possible to let him know. I have been reading Christian books regarding saving marriages. Six months have passed now and we haven't made any progress one way or another. I want to be back in my house where my children are most comfortable. I don't want to get divorced and told him if that is what he wants then he will have to initiate it. However, I don't know what to do now, how long should I wait in limbo?
We have three wonderful children and have been together for 21 years. Our children our confused and I talk to them about praying for our family. I may be wrong to do that but, I want to work this out.

Sorry you are here. This is a mess.
Have you broken all contact with your AP(Affair Partner)?

Welcome, deg.
I have a few questions in order to understand your sitch better.

You say 6 months have passed with no progress. What, exactly, are you and your H doing? Where are you and your children living? Have either of the affair partners married? Have their spouses been informed of the affair?

Have you explained the truth of your affairs to your children so they understand that they are specifically praying for the healing of your family after the damage of your affairs?

Put down the Christian books and order "Surviving an Affair" from this website. It's fast - you'll have it by early next week if you order it today. This book will give you tons more bang for the buck.

Have you read the articles on this site? Please begin to do so.

Your marital issues didn't show up overnight, and it's not a quick fix to solving them, but it can be done if you're willing to do the heavy lifting that is required. I'd say to start with absolute honesty. Promise yourself that you will tell NO LIES today. (It's harder than a lot of people think - good luck ) That includes being honest with your children. I know that is probably something you want to avoid like the plague - most parents don't want to acknowledge to their children that they were human and really screwed up. But your kids already know something bad is going on, they just aren't sure what that is. Understand that kids, being self-centered, will interpret these problems as something wrong that they have done. Please don't let them assume that.

Yes, both of the affair partners are married. Both of them seem to be working on their marriages. I work with the person I had an affair with but am able to have no contact with him. I have made that promise to my husband and plan to stick with it. Unfortunately, we do have some contact with who my husband had an affair with because our children are friends. I have made it clear to her that she is not to contact him. We live in a very small town and will not be able to avoid their family. My kids are suffering because of this. I am slowly trying to switch churches because they belong to the same one. My kids really like our church and it is hard. You mentioned telling the children. My son who is 14 knows what has happened and the younger two girls 11 and 9 somewhat know but do not know all the details. They know that we love them very much and that mom and dad hurt each other very badly.

As far as what we are doing. I have been in counseling and have met with two very trusted pastors. My husband has not been doing anything. We speak almost everyday and it is finally getting to the point where he is generally calm. He has stopped calling me names. We have done some things as a family last weekend he invited me to dinner and bowling with him and the kids. We had a nice time.

I am living in a duplex about a mile from our home. He will not give me any answers and tells me not to presure him. I am trying hard not to presure him but continue to tell him I love him and have been doing nice things to show him also.

We have been together since I was 17 years old. I truly do love him but was unhappy. I realize how wrong it was for me to seek comfort somewhere else. The thing my husband doesn't believe or understand is that I have always loved him even though I was having an affair. I never wanted to leave and did not plan on it. I actually didn't even need to tell him he probably would not have found out, but as you mentioned I needed to be honest. I have been honest since that day in June and plan to continue to be. I so much long for our family to be back together. My husband does not have the same christian beliefs that I do and he does not understand forgiveness. I believe he still loves me but, may never be able to get past what I did even though he has done it also. Actually, he had an affair one other time early on in our marriage also.

I have read many article on this site and found them useful. I have printed off two of the question and answers and gave them to him to read. I wish we could have a wonderful counselor help us but, he won't agree and it is hard to find one.

Thanks for your input.
Jen

Do the spouses know about the affairs? Who told them?

So, if you've been reading on this site you are probably aware that all of this contact isn't going to work, right?

If you've made arrangements to be NC with your OM at work, what is to stop you from changing those arrangements? Do you see where this could, and should, be a trigger for your H? To know that you potentially have daily contact with OM, even if you don't? Regardless of whether you've sworn to him that you will have NC, you have proven yourself in the past to be a liar and a cheat. Do you see where he might consider it NOT in his best interest to believe a word you say?

I don't know what you mean by 'slowly' finding another church. Just...don't go there on Sunday. That's that. Tomorrow you need to start church shopping. An unfortunate result of your affair is that you and your children will need to find another church. You need to apologize to them for that. And find another church.

If this is a small town and you'll be rubbing elbows with these infidels, you need to consider moving to another area and making a fresh start. Yes, it is that important.

I do see your point about the OM. I completely understand that my H will feel that way. I have told him I will quit my job. I have put in for a transfer. I may just have to wait for an opening. I have a really good job with excellent insurance. My husband doesn't want me to just quit. I am willing to leave for him though.
I have found another church and the kids and I have been going there but my son doesn't want to give up the other church yet. I feel as if my kids shouldn't have to lose everything they know that's why I also don't know if we will move. If my husband ever gives me an answer and we reconcile I do plan to talk about moving at least out of town.
I really am trying the things this site suggests.
I just want my husband to start communicating with me and give me some idea of what he is thinking. I would be willing to quit my job and move out of state if I knew it would matter to him, but as I said he won't tell me. On a positive note he did say that we will spend Christmas together.
I appeciate your replies.

I suggest you start applying for another job. NC is the foundation of recovery for both of you. Without it your house is on sand.

Move back into your house.

Then focus on plan A. You need a different job, and you should cut off all contact with the OW's family, even if your kids are friends. It's better your kid to lose a friend then for his family to split. These are the consequences of your actions.

Thanks Jim. Can you or someone tell me where to find Plan A and B? Is it on this site or in one of the books?

How can I move back into my house if he won't let me? I told him I don't want to live in this duplex forever. My lease is coming up in January but, I can go month to month. At one point he told me if I force him to make a decision it will be divorce.

I can't stand this limbo position much longer. The thing is we still like each other and can get along. The thought of our family being broken forever eats me up inside.

I agree with both comments about the job. I don't have a problem with that. Also, if my husband would agree I would move even though my kids would be hurt. As you said it would be better for them to lose a friend if it kept our family together.

What is my next step? A, B ????

I read through Plan A and Plan B. I understand how they work but do not know how to implement them by myself.

Your name is on the mortgage deed then he can't throw you out of your own home.

yes that is true but, do I give him a date of when I plan to move back in? Everything else I have read says not to set time lines.

How did you find out about his affair? Did he confess?

Sorry, sounds like blame shifting to me. If he confessed on his own I could see him being angry you didn�t confess until he did. If you found out another way then I see a

Are you sure he is not still having an A?

So this is his second affair.
Why is HE making all the decisions?

Again WHY?

Sorry but I don't understand. He had 2 affairs, you had one. So both of you are bad marriage partners and bad examples for your children. Fine, but why does he call the shots?
How could you possibly move out from your children just on his say so? When do you see them?
And maritalbliss is absolutely right in saying that you need to absolutely cut not only all contact with the APs but all possibility of contact. Confidence has been destroyed in your M. It will be a long, hard road to rebuilt it.

No you pack up and move in today.

Move back today. And when you start carrying your stuff in, say "Well, it's obvious that living apart isn't going to heal us. It's time to try living together."

You move back today. If he physically prevents you from moving back in, you call the cops and have them let you back in. Problem solved. He screwed up too. You can just let him walk all over you.