Harmony, I am so sorry to hear about your daddy...keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

(((Harmony)))

Guys

thanks for your hugs and prayers.

I have not shed a tear all week but they are starting to flow. I can't believe he is gone.

It doesn't feel real.

Ok so here is the update. H has kept contacting me to find out what is happening with dad.

Eventually agreed to meet with him. H came to the house to fix a few things, gave me hug and took me for a few drinks. We had a good time together did not discuss the relationship, had some laughs and talked about what we had both been upto. During the evening H brought up old times, made it clear he was spending time with friends and family. H also made a few comments about things in the house running down hill since he left. H mentioned lots of things that he had been doing since we split such as running ect, and I made a comment what's this do all the things Harmony wanted you to do just after you split

Overall H was almost back to his old good self. He was extremely upset about my dad,could not even talk about it. Anywayhe wanted to k ow when the funeral is and if he could come with me.

I agreed to let him come, although I am confused as to why HD is doing that?

I am not sure what H is upto?

{{{{Harmony}}}}
I'm so very sorry for your loss. My father passed about 14 years ago. You are very much in my prayers.

Harmony,

I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. It is a very traumatic thing to have a parent pass. I know you will miss him in the future, and your sorrow will surface of that I am sure.

I would like to offer you something to think about. My father passed over 22 years ago, and a month later so did my W's. Both of those men are still in our lives in ways it is hard to explain.

When I have a decision to make, I still hear my father's advice on life and matters of life ringing in my head and I smile. Did you know that my father has gotten smarter through out these years? Well it is true. I didn't know one keeps learning even after passing but the man is really really smart.

Now all of this might sound a little silly to you, but mark my words you have not LOST YOUR DAD. He is part of you and you will carry that part for the rest of your life.

Grieve his passing Harmony, but don't grieve his loss. He is still with you.

That is my opinion and I am sticking to it.

God Bless,

JL

Sorry to hear of your loss Harmony,

I wanted to express the same as JL Harmony, so I won't repeat it. What he says is so true. My Dad is in a nursing home, and unable to comunicate with people anymore, but I still remeber his words and how they formed who I am, as well as his teaching.

They still are there in my heart, and if I have any strength as a man, it came from him.


I am glad you have spent some good time with your H. I don't see why he couldn't accompany you to the service. You can support each other.


Peace to you and to your family

He will be watching over you allways, and he lives on in you.

Sorry about your Dad.
I lost my Dad Sept.
Still raw.

I hope his motives are pure but chances are they're not. He could just be taking advantage of your vulnerability about your dad, but I hope not.

Your call but watch your back.

H called me tonight, I think I got my hopes up after seeing him weds. I thought he might ask to see me this weekend but he didn't. I am hurting so much from H not being there, this dipping in and out is not helping.

I get the feeling he is feeling very guilty about he has behaved this past year and thus is about his conscience...

I hope I am wrong. All I know us that since he left 6 weeks ago he has tried to have contact every few days, surely that must tell him something.

Sick of waiting for him. Also I needed him to be there to help me through this.

This has put me in a spin, I never want to go through this again.

Sometimes I read Hopeful Person threed and feel that I should continue to be nice to H in the hope that he comes round, then I feel like he is messing me around and that he is happy being friends dhildt I am not.

JL please can you shed some light for me please.

To be honest H has put me through hell and back this year, whilst I have watched my father die and now it feels like he can come along and be there for me to ease his own conscience. I feel so very angry right now, I need him all the time!

Well, then. Don't let it be about him. If you need the support, take the support. However, don't get all tied up in the goody good.

Remember your goals and boundaries - you are suffering a loss on top of a loss, I would say for now you have the complete right to let your taker drive for a bit to help you get through.

Ok this how I feel and this is what I would like to say to my H, thoughts please.

I think you need to leave me be. You think that turning up to the funeral is 'support'. What about those nights when he was ill in hospital and you stated out the night with other women. What about when I received more bad news about his treatment and you were off on another boys weekend. Sorry but your support Is not required and I won't be used to ease your conscience. This migt be a surprise to you, but I am very hurt.

This is not very MB.

I imagine that you are so upset about your fathers loss that you do not really need any negative feedback right now.

What do you think this statement is going to mean to your WH? What do you want it to mean?
guilt?

WS do not really feel guilt that I have seen here, reading these threads.

So let it sufice to say that the above statement, imo, is still really you focusing all about him. You need to focus on you.

All sorts of things were running through my head so I phoned H. I needed to understand some things. I need to feel comfortable about H going to the funeral.

I was calm and in control and non confrontational. I explained to my H that I was not angry with him I just needed to explain how I was feeling. He actually responded that it was OK and it was important for him to understand. I said that the funeral was going to be a tough day for me and I needed to understand some things beforehand.

I said to him that the situation between us was weird, and he agreed. I said that I needed to know if he was going for the right reasons on Thursday and that I didn't want him to go out of guilt or to ease his own conscience. He said that he wanted to go as he wanted to be able to support me, that he should be there and that my Dad was a part of his life too. I said OK that is fine I just needed to know. I then explained from my point of view I find it difficult because he has not supported me though the last few months of his illness, and thats when I needed him and it feels like H is turning up now. H responded by saying that he did not understand the seriousness of the situation. My goodness, well he had cancer and he was in hospital with pneumonia if that isn't serious what is? He also added that he wants to be there for me just like any other friend would be. So we are friends now are we?

Then I said to him, part of me is concerned that if he does not go to the funeral that I am not sure if we ever did reconcile how I could get over that, so from theat point of view it is important he be there. He said he understood but wanted to be there for me anyway. He then added that he needed to know that I didn't just need him now, that how would I feel 2-4 months down the road, would I no longer need him? I didn't say anything to that, as I am fed up trying to convince him of reasons to be with me. It always feels like I am begging him or something, so I just stayed quiet.

I also added that if he was with anyone else or seeing other woman, that I would rather him leave me alone and stay away. I said that it was not to punish him but to protect myself as I still had feelings for him. That if he wanted to see OW then he should be honest with me so I can move on with my life. I explained that I was not comfortable for example with him turning up at the funeral, if he had been out with a girl the night before. That I could not stop him if he wants to see someone else but he needs to let me know. He was adamant that he was not seeing any other woman, and that that there was no one else.

I then said to him that I would like to see him before the funeral on Thursday and didn't want to just see him that day, he said OK and how about we meet Monday? So I agreed.

He ended the conversation by saying how much he enjoyed meeting up with me on Weds and that he really enjoyed it and had a really nice time.

I am so tired and weary with it, I need my H here supporting me now.

I am glad I had the conversation with him. At least I am not making any assumptions about the situation and felt like I handled that well. On a positive note I feel like I make really good decisions now and that I have some good answers I just need to listen to myself.

Please help shed some light on what he is doing?
I think H was been really hurt and doesn't want to put himself in that position again, I think he loves me and can't seem to stay away or let go, but what can i do to get him back in again?

I am struggling to see which strategy to follow. Do I do what Hopeful Person did and back off and show him I am happy on my own and how much I have changed and get to know him and be friends again? Or do I after the funeral move back into Plan B and only let him in if he is commited to the marriage?

JL, Pepperband are you out there?

Any contact with him leaves me messed up, I have had a really bad day and feel that I have let H get to me.

Ahhhhh!

I love Plan B and feel that if i had stuck to it, it might have worked....

So are you saying you broke plan b??

OK Harmony,

You have me confused. You said
And then you say
So are you playing victim here or are you playing grown up? You need to make up your mind. Harmony, the loss of a parent is a very very traumatic thing. Frankly, you should leave major decisions alone for awhile. At least that is my opinion. On the other hand if your second thoughts are what you really feel tell him that and move on.

Why are you expecting him to rescue you? Why are you expecting him to lead your life for you? Why are you putting your happiness in the hands of a man that is out with other women and on boys weekends? You don't need a "boy" in your life, you need a man. But, you appreciate a man you need to be woman enough to lead your life.

You have some decisions to make, and they go back to what you want, what your boundaries are, and where your moral compass points you. Grieve the passing of your Dad. As you heal from that, prepare to lead your life.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Thanks for your response JL and thanks everyone for your messages regarding my Dad.

These have to have been the worst 2 years of my life, I hope things don't get worse.

I love my H and have no clue what is going on in that head of his. I have done so much to try and recover the M and get so many mixed messages from him. He tells me that he is not seeing anybody, that he has taken up running and snowboarding lessons as he knew I always wanted to do this with him, that he is not that happy and hates living with his parents, and he has not filed for divorce, transfered his post, put our house on the Market and continues to contact me every few days. The only words that have not cone out of his mouth is that he wants to get back with me.

What does he want?

What can I do to save this M and get him home?

Do I give him an ultimatum?

I can't wait any longer, time is ticking for me. Maybe I need a session with SH.

JL I know what you are saying about making a big decision but sometimes if I k re what was going on that decision would be easier to make.

I don't think I can cope anymore. It's all just too much.