I just read a post about missing the sex. Altho I had no response to give, as my H is long gone, I just want to give some advice to anyone who is missing the sex or closeness in a relationship. If I can help one person avoid the chaos I have created in my life, then that will be something good that came out of something bad.<BR><BR>For about 8 months I waited, patiently for my H to come home or resolve this in some way. But he is determined to proceed with his new life, and once I knew that, I really hit rock bottom. I guess I was "holding down the fort" here, hoping against all odds for a miracle. And instead of picking up the pieces of my life, I spiraled down bigtime. Yes, I am still married to this man, but in his eyes and in mine, it is over. So that was the go ahead for me....Well, I got myself in one relationship that had a bunch of red flags. He was the former boyfriend of a close friend of mine. She told me we had her blessings, as it was long over between them. I was with him a few times, and then suddenly he bailed on me, and ended up BACK WITH HER !!!. Ok, the only good thing is that she and I are still good friends, and he and I are ok with each other. Then came a relationship with a guy I was seeing at a bar quite often. He is the manager, so things were very friendly. And it escalated. It started out with him being very attentive, something I desperatly needed. He was gentle, while flirting, and BOY did I fall. Now, here is where you all can slam me straight to hell. He is married. So now I have been on both sides of the fence, and it isn't fun. But I can tell you how addictive it is. He never had a bad word to say about his wife, and he made it quite clear that his family (kids mostly) came first. And I was totally in agreement with that. All I wanted was his tenderness, all the time knowing that there was no future. But it was something to get me thru this black hole of a life.<BR><BR>Now that I have been the OW, I can say it really does suck. Nights waiting for phone calls that never come, days together that were planned, but never happen. And GUILT. I never intended to hurt her, I figured she would never know, since we rarely had time together. His opinion was that he gave all he had to give to the family, and this was something he needed, as he craved affection too. Well, I guess his idea of affection had more to do with sex. His guilt has gotten to him, and since he suddenly is not there for me anymore, I can assume it is over. I'm in a strange place, feeling hurt, yet knowing I did this to myself. I feel used, and stupid. Especially after reading sooooo many posts here from the betrayed and the betrayers. Yet, I convinced myself it was ok. I actually told myself no one could get hurt. She would never know, and I wasn't asking for anything from him, except occasional companionship and sex. <BR><BR>He really is a good guy and I am not a horrible person, but I do feel like one now. And the lonliness is more unbearable now than before I started on this road to hell.<BR><BR>I just felt that since I have been posting here for so long, and so many of you have praised me for my dignity and strength that you should all know the truth. I owe you all that because you have been so kind and loving.<BR><BR>All I can say is sorry....

ATW,<P>I can feel the pain in your letter.<P>All I can think to say is: <B>WE'RE NOT PERFECT</B><P>and THERE BUT FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO I<P>My prayers for you,<P>RobinAnn

ATW,<P>I'm really not suppose to be here myself, but for some reason I was drawn to your post.<P>First of all, I know how you feel as a person who's been on both sides of the fence. I also know how it feels to grab at anyone who gives you tenderness when it feels like you don't get it at home. I also understand feeling like a fraud in front of your friends, family, and newfound network of caring folks here at MB. I feel the same about that too. I'm not even feeling like MB at all right now. I WANT the separation from my H because I'm so dam* tired of trying so hard. If I'm not building a marriage, what am I doing here? I'm sure you feel the same way. I really truly understand. <P>Now, you're gonna hear this from others, but your OM right now is not such "a nice guy" or he wouldn't be doing what he's doing - to his W and to YOU. But you know that. Right?<BR>You don't need me or anyone else telling you that it's wrong, that you're hurting yourself, that you're hurting his family (although he is SOLELY responsible to them, not you).<P>This infidelity game sucks a big egg, and you're right smack in the middle of it right now. I totally feel for you. I hear your pain, embarrassment, humiliation. Been there, doing that. I really do understand. But honey, you're only gonna make things worse by continuing this relationship with this man. For your own sanity, let him go. You're separated, not divorced?? Do you want a divorce? If so, then get one. Get it over with, go on with your life, and hopefully you'll meet a TRULY nice guy who isn't married. If you don't want a divorce, then you need to work on YOU and on the life that you want with your H. <P>Best wishes to you... I'm so sorry for your pain <P>~Sheryl<P>

Against the Wind -- I for one will not hold this against you.<P>Sure I could attack you, but it sounds to me as though you already have done that yourself. You do not deserve my wrath.<P>I have learned a great deal by reading your posts in the time I have been here at MB. I must admit that as I read your thread I was very shocked, but at the same time, I think I can understand why you chose this time to share this information with us.<P>I still value your insight, and will lokk forward to talking with you in the future.<P>God Bless

Against the Wind -- As I finshed my reply, I read the replies of RobinAnn and new_beginning. They both seemed to do a much better job of saying what I had tried to say to you.<P>God Bless

Very hard to respond to you guys, the tears are falling big time. But thank you so much...<BR><BR>Especially to new_beginning, you do know what it is like and I thank you for all you have said. Everyone has been telling me to get him out of my life, and I guess now he is gone. But it still hurts, because I sooo much wanted to believe in someone, in anything that would get me thru the darkest hours. And I know I have to find a way to do it by MYSELF. Just not feeling very capable right now. Every time I see my H ( and it has only been 2 times in the past few months) I realize just how much I still want him back. Hard to let go of 21 years of love. And I am pitiful at being by myself. I gave all I had to my H, I feel like an empty shell without someone to share with.<BR><BR>Much love to you all....<BR><P><BR>"Drowning in A River of Tears" Eric Clapton

Against the Wind,<P>Stop beating yourself up. You obviously are getting a chance to end this relationship before it does any damage. Take that chance and walk away. I know how lonely and frustrating the limbo is. When you have been betrayed and left it is almost like your body has a life of its own and all you really want is someone to touch and love you. It is really easy to get caught up in the physical side of a relationship. Unfortunately our heart and mind want more than just the sex. We want the person to care, understand and support us.<P>There are nice guys out there sweetie. You just have to be patient. Get the D over with and let your heart heal. It gets better with time. You have to let go of the marriage and all that went with it. Then one day you will be content with your life and all that you have accomplished on your own and you won't even see it coming but a healthy, kind man will come into your life and you will be ready. I admire your courage to confess to us, but no one is your judge and jury. We all make mistakes. We can all learn from them. Take Care and keep in touch. Gerri

Against the Wind,<P>What a brave post! I'm very glad the responses you've gotten so far are very thoughtful and respectful. Nobody here or anywhere else has a right to judge you or act holier than thou because they have not walked in your shoes. Sure, maybe they are walking in similar shoes, but none of us is in the exact same shoes. <P>As someone who also just "wanted was his tenderness, all the time knowing that there was no future. But it was something to get me thru this black hole of a life." I want to thank you for being so brave and honest. Because that's just how it happens for alot of us. We look for comfort out of what seems to be a dead end of a life. And that doesn't make us bad people, it makes us HUMAN and everyone has bad judgement from time to time.<P>Please don't beat yourself up. No one else here will, so please don't do it to yourself. It's good that you have established yourself as a good person and people here know and respect you. I hope what you've written will help open some minds and hearts to the idea that it can happen to even the best of us when we are in a dark place. <P>Thank you so much and best to you.

ATW - add my prayers for strength to the others. You've been given good advice, but it's nothing you didn't already know.<P>Humans make mistakes, you know. Mistakes are forgiven. You'll soon forgive yourself as well.<P>You are brave, and good. You will get through this.<P>Lori

ATW -- We ALL have needs, have made mistakes, and will continue to screw up from time to time. I agree with everyone that you really need to walk away from this before your heart is completely ripped apart. You have tried so hard to save your marriage and be both mother and father to your son. He went to college didn't he? Well, he's gone and all his friends that hung out at your house. I'm in that same place, so I know what the empty nest can do to you. I'm so sorry for your pain. Look forward to your son's holiday breaks and spend some quality time with him. Love and prayers, Janie

Thank you for your honesty. I can understand how vulnerable you are, because I'm vulnerable too. Any sign of tenderness would probably have me over the edge.<P>I'm not going to flame you, but I'm not going to tell you what you did is okay. Give some thought to what you want out of life and who you want to be. Decide on some rules and stick to them! You will be happier in the long run.

ATW - We all make mistakes. You recognize what it was and doubtlessly won't do it again. God forgives all. Please try to forgive yourself. You've been through enough.<P>Everyone would do well to take heed. What ATW says is oh so true... the "promise" of closeness and affection isn't worth the inevitable let down. It's the LAST thing you need right now! I know all too well as I met someone, too. We were introduced by a mutual friend while I was out of town on business. He was divorced, no kids, great looking, we had soooo much in common and he treated me like a queen. To have it proven to me that there is nothing wrong with <I>me</I> was something I needed at the time. It was very brief and very intense. But even knowing going in that it won't be a lasting relationship doesn't make you feel any better when he/she doesn't call you back. While I'm okay with that, it does feed my resentment toward my stbx. <P>Much better to wait until it's not something that you "miss". Be okay with you - without somebody else. Wait until it's not about your ex, or what they did or didn't do. Wait until you don't need to prove anything to yourself or to your ex (or stbx - or spouse - for that matter!). Time really does heal all. Give it a chance.<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie<P><p>[This message has been edited by Patient (edited October 27, 1999).]

Hugs ATW....<P>Forgive yourself and use this as an opportunity to make some real choices about what you want out of life. <P>Step back, deep breath, who are you and what do you value? Know yourself. From what I know I see someone who has been strong, courageous, patient and kind throughout your terrible ordeal. You are still all these things. While also being vulnerable and human - who isn't?<P>Take care,<BR>Starpony

ATW,<BR>We <B>ALL</B> make mistakes. Don't beat yourself up anymore. <BR>Believe me I know how vulnerable you are.... Some days, I think if a man smiled at me just right and said a kind word, I'd fall like a ton of bricks!! <BR>I am starved for affection, the feeling of being attractive and desirable.... add anything (like and adult beverage or two), and I'd really be in trouble!<BR>A friend of mine even (jokingly) told me I just needed to go out and "Get My Bell Rung" really good, and it would clear my head! But, I think there is some truth in that, I'm just not ready for that yet.<P>If you want someone to listen, I'm here or you can e-mail me labutterfly68@hotmail.com .<P>You are in my thoughts & prayers,<BR>B<P>------------------<BR>My favorite quote....<BR>"Hello, this is God. I will be handeling your problems today. I will not need your help, so sit back and have a good day."<BR>

ATW- FORGIVE YOURSELF, pick up the peices, and move on..i know easier said than done. i saw my lawyer and said get it done, and went shopping for my new house. i know the pain- but it only gets worse the more you sit in it.<BR>you cant control your H, only you.<P>i really appreciate your honesty- truly. that strength is admireable. let us know what you do.<P>------------------<BR>

ATW, you have many friends here and of<BR>course we all respect you...the road travelled here is always crooked and has forward steps and many backwards...you speak about hitting rock bottom...i truly can relate...it is only when we do reach that point, that we can start to rebuild our lives in the best way we can...remember you can't worry about those things that you cannot control, and you must try hard to work on the things you can...always remember this when you are down and feeling that hope is lost...dwelling is for the immortal...and nobody is promised tomorrow so take a few deep breaths and try to start to feel better about you...<BR>hang in there we all are with you....<BR>much peace and love ...trying hard<BR>

Aw, AWTW. I'm so sorry.<P>I'm teetering on the edge myself with a man who is single, compliments me, spends time with me, and brings me things like sandwiches, coffee, chocolate donuts. So far I'm keeping my wits about me, not meeting him in private--and, other than asking me to go along on his trip to Argentina (!), he hasn't asked me to meet him. The only way I'm resisting is thinking of him as a possible white-slave trader...<P>But the lines do fall quickly...we exchanged email addresses just this week...<P>I completely agree that this behavior isn't appropriate until the divorce, but when I told my H about my temptation he said, "Do what you have to do." If HE doesn't care, why should I?<P>I know, I know...<P>You aren't alone on the slippery slope, even here at MB Infidelity Central.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P>

ATW,<P>You have given so much valuable advise here and comfort to all of us.<P>What you did was wrong but, you are repentant and stopping it. That is the right thing. Don't forget that we cannot change what we said or did even a second ago. So...forgive yourself and learn from it. <P>Everything happens for a reason and I am sure you will see some good in this soon.<P>In the meantime I have to agree that you are one brave lady to have been able to share this here. I admire you and care deeply what happens to you. <P>Hold you head up high and know that you are on the right road.<P>I'll be praying for you as will most of us I am sure.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Samantha-MI (edited October 27, 1999).]

ATW - Boy am I ever not one to judge you, even though I am a man betrayed. Reading your post really helped me to understand how and why affairs happen. I feel very bad for you that it has landed you in the emotional hell where you are, but am sure you will work your way out. Your post also started me wondering what would happen if I had the opportunity for an affair. I hate to say this, but I have to admit that, at this stage, I'm afraid I probably would go for it for the same reasons you did. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

I truly don't know how to thank you all. It's been a rough couple of days, but I guess I will get thru this too. And I hope I can just learn to stay by myself for awhile, at least till this divorce comes thru. But with H backing off on that, who knows what will happen, or when.<BR><BR>Being vulnerable is the worst situation. This guy told me all the right things, I BELIEVED he was honest with me. Boy, am I not too bright or what? He told me he just wanted to be with me, he didn't want to move too fast, he did have guilt about his family, etc. Mostly, he was being a caring, loving guy who made me feel worth something once again. VERY dangerous territory. Two people needing something and grabbing onto it, regardless of the consequences.<BR><BR>Since I last emailed him, he hasn't responded, so I guess it is over. But I really would have liked to be the one to end it.<BR><BR>Once again, thanks to you all. You got me thru a very bad night.