I�m 50, my wife is 47. We have 5 children (2 still at home). Our marriage had deteriorated over the years. She was often depressed and negative and I had become indifferent. We came to a place of living almost separate lives in the same house.

One Saturday in August she told me she was moving out to have space and for us to get perspective. I was devastated. I never thought it would come to that. She was moving to a friends house nearby. A single mom with 3 kids. It seemed like a good place if this separation must be.

I slowly came to feel that maybe we should go our separate ways and get divorced. I had an appointment with a lawyer and was talking to a friend. He confronted me and asked we I truly wanted if anything was possible. I told him I wanted my wife in a healthy relationship. He encouraged me to then be that, speak that and live that. This was after about 6 or 7 weeks of separation.

I went home that night and had the revelation that I truly loved my wife with all my heart and wanted her back. I went to where she was staying and poured my heart out to her. I had realized that although she had her faults in the marriage, I had made the progression from love to tolerance to indifference. I realized had I spent years treating her negativity and woundedness with consistent love that maybe healing and health would have come, rather than separation.
She told me that this was everything she had prayed for, but that she no longer had feelings for me.

She agreed to some limited dating. I began a campaign of loving courtship. I wrote her daily poems expressing my new found love and devotion to her. Things were seemingly progressing and it looked like we might have a happily ever after.

Then the unthinkable happened. The woman she was staying with met me and another friend who had been supporting me. She told me my wife was having sex with her 18 year old son. I was destroyed, it was unbelievable. My wife had always been the most honest person I had ever known. Her standards of right and wrong higher than anyone�s. The mom said I know they are having sex right now because her son called her and asked how long she was going to be. We went to the house and burst into the room and caught them in the act.

There was the truth before me I was undone. I got the kid out of there (no bloodshed), went to my naked wife, put my arms around her and cried. We got in my car and drove around for a while. She said that she thought we were over when it had begun (it had been going on for 6 or 7 weeks, I had been courting her for 4 weeks). She said she was in love with him, but that she was planning on ending it and coming back to me.

This boy was a troubled teen and was a few days later sent to jail for other things that were pending. My wife admitted herself into a crisis hospital for a week. She realized during her stay there that she loved me and wanted me and our family back. I decided that I would forgive her and bring her home and try to rebuild our marriage.

She told me all the details of her affair. She told me that she had sex more freely and often (every day once or twice) than we ever had. That this boy was selfless and thought only of her pleasure. That he was �young� and able to please her in ways that I never had.

We fell back into each others arms. These declarations about their affair haunted me. I was compelled to want to have sex often and have it be amazing for her. She on the other hand didn�t want to get back into sex so quickly and intensely.
I finally agreed to back off and work on building a relationship.

We are looking at implementing the principals of this site. She had a sort of emotional breakdown. She says she is not ready to actively try to move forward. I understand affair withdrawal and that coupled with deep depression. Things had been going pretty well for about a week and a half. I had been focusing on meeting her emotional needs (we have done the questionnaire). I guess I just ran out of doing all the giving.

I had a meltdown Saturday. I questioned her and she admitted that she still is �in love� with this boy. She says she loves me but is not �in love� with me. I freaked out and basically railed at her for the destruction that she had done. How she lied to me. I was courting her with all my heart and she was going home from our time (nothing physical) and having sex with this boy. I got bitter and was emotionally abusive. I deeply regret this. She spent the night in another room.

I apologized Sunday and she slept in our bed last night (no sex for the past week). I promised her space and am committed to continuing to meet her emotional needs.

I have a problem with the no sex part. When we were having sex regularly it seemed to help me to get free of the thoughts of the affair. I also understand her need to not have sex.
We�ve been back together now for 5 weeks. I�m trying to focus on living in the moment and not dwelling in the past or focusing on the future.

Thanks for reading this. I am in need of support.

So sorry for your circumstances, pdc. The people on this forum will be a great help to you.


Is this boy in or out of jail now? What kind of contact does your W still have with him?

Dr. Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders, has this to say about contact:

He is in jail for probably 6 months. My wife has agreed to 0 contact for life, although this distresses her. Between her going to the hospital and him going to jail, there was no closure

That's good. Are you 100% sure she doesn't have any contact? Are you 100% certain they don't write or visit?

It's positive that she's living with you again. How long ago did she return home?
Edit: Nevermind. I re-read and saw that it's been 5 weeks.

About 5 weeks, and yes sure that there is no contact.

Did you have a chance to read my response to this same post when you posted it on 12-7-10?

Do you have the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley? If not, I suggest you order a copy today.

How familiar are you and your W with MB concepts such as the Love Bank, Love Busters, etc?

It sounds as though your W desires to reconcile with you, but as you know, is going through typical withdrawl stages.

Here's a good Q&A about withdrawing from a former affair partner: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

How willing is your W to read and learn about what she can do to heal your M?

yes i did, thank you.

I've studied most all of the concepts on this site. I'm hoping that my angry outburst is the last. I let out every dark thought I ever had about this affair. I know it was a huge LB. I don't want to have that happen again.

I read that link. It's been 5 weeks and her depression seems worse than ever. It's not just from losing her affair, but also from hurting me and our children. I'm hoping it doesn't continue for too much longer. I feel compelled to start building and it's hard to wait.

I want to add that she is a beautiful person and is worth whatever it takes to restore our marriage.

"Closure" is a word she uses, right?

The addict (your W) is trying to negotiate with you for a fix. Don't fall for it.

Here are a few things said recently on this forum about closure that you can paraphrase to your W:

Yes, closure is the word. I have insisted on 0 contact for life and won't tolerate anything less.

As you should. Your emotional needs are real.

We understand she's feeling shame, remorse and upset. But what kind of an attempt are you seeing from her to meet your ENs?

That's your sticking point, right? You aren't seeing enough of an effort/any effort on her end. Please elaborate.

How many hours a week are you spending alone with your wife where you're able to solely focus on each other?

She had been trying some, but said she doesn't have anything to give, that she is just trying to survive. And that my pressure for sex just pushes her further away. I'm trying with great difficulty to not pressure for sex, but it causes me tremendous tension that gets in the way of trying to meet EN.
I have brought up the need for significant hours of undivided attention. She feels that is also a pressure that she cannot abide while she has nothing to give. She feels that I am smothering her. Yes it's hard for me that she isn't ready to make more effort.

pdc, how about calling the MB coaching center today and scheduling a phone appointment? You'll talk on your own to a coach, and then your W will talk independently to one of them.

It's a great resource that helped my H and I tremendously, and it's very likely to help your W understand and commit to a recovery plan.

It sounds as though your W has a desire to be married but no plan to heal and recover.

Delta, you are fabulous. pdc, you are in good hands with someone who knows the program and is working it in her own marriage.

Yes she is committed to our marriage, but doesn't feel ready to cope with plans for recovery and building. I am very interested in talking with her about talking to MB counciling.

pdc, if she is committed and does nothing to back up that "committment" then those are empty words. I think that she feels hopeless and that is the problem. She needs HOPE in your marriage and I think that is something Steve Harley could give her in counseling. You don't need her involvement at first to get her on board with MB counseling. Those with a reluctant spouse usually speak to Steve alone first and he will tell you what to say to get her on the phone with him for the next session. He doesn't counsel couples in crisis together. He splits the hour between them.

The taker in all of us wants to scream "what about meeee?"

I know. I do that, too.

Vent here about how she's not meeting your ENs while she's going through withdrawl. It's ok. We'll listen and offer support.

But keep on keeping on. Keep working a solid Plan A where you're doing your best to fill her needs and creating an environment where she's falling back in love with you.

See, your wife doesn't believe she can ever have the in love feelings she had in her affair WITH YOU. What she doesn't know is that she can feel that way about you if she follows this program. And it doesn't take a long time for that to happen.

THAT is what Steve would sell her. And once he gets her motivated, you can do the plan on your own using the books.