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Joined: Dec 2010
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J
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J
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Hi, I am new here, and wanted to share my story to see what advice might be out there.

I have been married for a long time, and in my current relationship for almost half my life. I love my wife, and want my relationship to work. We have two children together.

I don't want to disappoint my kids, or make their lives difficult, but I do not believe staying together because of them does them any favors. In my mind, if we decide to work things out, we need to do it for our relationship!

My wife has been going through a struggle for quite a while. I guess you could call it a mid-life crisis. She began looking outside our marriage to make herself happy, and get the ego satisfaction she needed. It was deeply troubling, and crushing to me to deal with this. Through the entire time, she has continued to say she isn't sure what she wants in life. We got married very young, and she blames a lot on that. WIthin the last year, she reconnected to someone from her past.

As with so many stories here, it began with Facebook. Facebok is a wonderful tool to find old friends and stay in contact, but it has the other side of making these types of situations easier. I could see it coming, and the relationship made me uncomfortable from the beginning. It turned very secretive, and there was even a warning not to ask her to choose.

Several months into the physical relationship, I learned what was going on. Again I was crushed. I didn't feel like much of a man. The hardest part was not the sex, but the relationship they had formed. Listening to her when we could talk about it, she had forgotten, or never really felt, that relationship with me.

I married her because she is the person I want to spend my life with. When I try to figure out if that is possible, if she is in any way interested in fixing us, she tells me I am smothering her. At the same time, she recounts how lonely she has been in our marriage. I struggle everyday to reconcile the two extremes. If there is, or ever really was, love between us, I want to make this work.

I will call her AS. AS feels like she has missed out on life, and given up herself. When I married her, I married her for who she is. I want her to share all of who she is, the good and the bad. The only way we can make this work is through radical honesty, and making the right adjustments. This program gives me hope, if we can do it together.

She wants to "date" me and others now. Maybe divorce and see if we come back together later. To me, she is telling me that she wants to see if she can do better, if not, she will settle for me. Again, she doesn't realize just how painful that is. It has put me at a point that I am losing my resolve and desire to make us work.

The thought of giving up, of divorce, is something I have a lot of trouble with. I know we cannot continue the way we are going. If it is over, we need to accept it and get away from each other. For economic reasons, that is almost impossible right now. Yet another struggle. How do you live in the same house with someone you love, someone you married, as you get a divorce and try to move forward?

I know this is all pretty disjointed, I admit I am a bit lost and confused as I write it. One minute I want to be alone and out of this mess, then I think about the reality, and I want to work it out if we can. For that to happen, I need to find a way to trust her. That is hard when she admits she is not over the other relationship, and not sure she has the self control to prevent it from happening again.

If there are any suggestions as to what to do, how to move on, how to trust again, anything at all, it would be helpful.

John

Joined: Oct 2008
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John,

What your wife is saying is what is termed "fog babble" around here. Please hit NOTIFY at the bottom of your post and ask the moderators to move you to SAA (Surviving an Affair), where many great people will help you implement the MB plan.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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T
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Kind of long winded to tell us how you feel.

Now that you feel better for venting can we have the straight facts as to what your WW is doing?

Joined: Mar 2009
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John,
Sorry you are here. Sounds like typical "fogbabble" as mentioned here. Your WW is a cakeater. Read what was suggested and learn everything about exposing her A. Facebook is also a great tool to expose. Your wife is being romanced by the idea of A and OM. The quickest way to squash the fantasy and bring her to reality is exposing the A.

G


D-Day #1 Aug/2007.
D-Day #2 1/27/12
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"To me, she is telling me that she wants to see if she can do better, if not, she will settle for me."

Sorry for your trouble.

If the wife is considering whether she'll 'settle' for you, that's probably NOT good enough.

Kinda just kicking the problem down the road.

But I think you get that.








"Sell 'crazy' someplace else, we're all stocked up here." ~ Melvin Udall
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T
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Quote:
To me, she is telling me that she wants to see if she can do better, if not, she will settle for me.


Uhm yeah.... it's the other way around mate, YOU can do better and YOU need to figure out if YOU'RE willing to settle for her at this point. That my friend is the truth, 100%!

Travis


Age - 35
Divorce Final - 3/5/12

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Originally Posted By: tccoastguard
Quote:
To me, she is telling me that she wants to see if she can do better, if not, she will settle for me.


Uhm yeah.... it's the other way around mate, YOU can do better and YOU need to figure out if YOU'RE willing to settle for her at this point. That my friend is the truth, 100%!

Travis


Bingo!

I'd adopt this approach. You are willing to meet her needs, but you are not willing to be part of some sick three way triangle. Either the other man goes, or she goes, and make it clear that you are not going to give up the children, or marital assets easy.

You establish what meets your standard, not the other way around, and an unfaithful wife clearly doesn't meet your standard.

Frankly, I'd file for divorce, file for custody of the children, and if your state allows adultery as grounds make it clear that her adultery is the grounds. Otherwise, cite mental cruelty and specifically you find her affair to be emotionally abusive and mentally cruel.

File as primary custody of the children and seek protection against her as you don't feel it's safe to have someone who is willing to lie and cheat in your home. The affair is emotional abuse and the abuser should leave the home.

Then make it clear that if she wants to come back, there is a standard of behavior she must meet in a verifiable fashion and let her contact the Marriage Builders to put together a plan for her to address her behavior so she's a safe partner to you and a safe mother to any children you have.

You may have work to do, but this would be the wake up call she may need to shock her out of her cake eating.

Appeasement doesn't work, and plan A really will have little effect if she's getting her needs met by the affair partner.

This is a risky move because it throws her into the arms of the Other Man. The good part is you will not commit daily love busters against her, while the other man has more opportunity to ruin his standing.

It also shows you to be a strong and principled man. If she doesn't want that, it's her loss.


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