OW and WH both say they love each other. WH admitted that last night and tells me that he doesn't feel any love for me. He did break down and cry and said he never meant to hurt me and that I deserve better. He's trying to get on a flight home. It sucks that I'll have to babysit him when he travels if he's even willing to give it a try. At this point, I think I have to move to Plan B. Does anyone have a good letter to use to kick off plan B?

I don't think you should move to Plan B just yet. I'd go Plan A. It is very telling that he is in such a haste to get back home. I suspect he will attempt to negotiate to keep you and your kids in the picture. Use this to your advantage.

Of course he isn't 'going to feel love' for you right now. His head is full of OW. Don't let this upset you. It's called fogbabble. So is 'It's not you, it's ME' or 'You deserve better.' This is all to make you 'feel better' about his leaving you for OW. Let him know that you are in it for the long haul and you don't intend to D him.

Of course they say they love each other. Have you read Surviving An Affair yet?
They are meeting some important emotional needs in each other and probably not love busting much.

It is an illusion that they are so great together.

Read the book!

It will help you plan and make decisions of how to craft your plan A/B

You would go into Plan B if he doesn't agree to stop travel without you and commit to a plan of recovery.

Don't even worry about Plan B at this point. The fact that they are in luuuuurve is meaningless. Alcoholics are in "luuuurve" with alcohol, it doesn't mean the high is going to last.

I agree with bliss that you do not need to move to Plan B right now.

What does H say he wants to do? Is he saying that he wants to stay married?

I think you should wait until he gets home and ask him about his intentions for the marriage. If he wants to stay married, you need to work as a couple on the travel issue. How can you accomplish the "no nights apart" requirement for recovery?

Is it possible for you to leave the children and go with him, every single time? Who would you leave them with?

Is it possible for you and the children to go with him, every single time from now on? Could he perhaps arrange travel so that it only falls within the school hoildays?

Is it possible for him simply to give up travelling? Could he delegate this to someone else? This is what my H did. He told his employers that his marriage was in trouble and that he would not be travelling ever again. He found people to step in for his meetings. Meanwhile, he applied for internal vacancies that required no travel. He stayed on in his post for about 8 months, without travelling, until he got an internal transfer. This was, in fact, a slight demotion, but the loss of money and status meant nothing to either of us because we both wanted to save the marriage.

If my H hadn't been able to make these arrangements, he would have had to resign from his job for our marriage to continue. Once the full truth about his deception came out after 3.5 years of false recovery, I wasn't willing to continue our existing arrangements for one second more.

This is your H's own business. Can he hire someone to do the travelling part of his work, or can he promote someone from within?

An end to travel should be just one of your recovery conditions.

Others should be that:

Your H writes the OW a NC letter. You read and approve this and send it yourself.

He gives you free access to his mobile phone and email accounts.

You give up your MC and IC and use the Harley coaching centre instead. Your counselling so far has not helped end this affair, nor started the rebuilding of your marriage.

You use the MB programme from now on in your marriage.

I am now officially in Plan B, though I'm really not sure there's hope. WH flew back from overseas and was very clear that he wants to separate. We're going to tell our kids this weekend to give them a chance to deal with this over winter break. WH had never cried until today when he was literally sobbing. He's completely scared about where his life is going. I was relatively calm, but I am not going to beg him to stay. I offered to help move his things to the basement bedroom until he can find a place. I've made it crystal clear that I'm not moving anywhere.

My other issue in losing hope is that he won't ever drop the foreign travel and I don't want to follow him there one week a month. That's not a life I can lead - having to spend 25% of my time babysitting him because I can't trust him. So, I'm not sure Plan B will be worthwhile unless I can find another way to trust him.

I don't think you can be, if H is still in the house and you are still talking.

Plan B needs planning. You need an intermediary to deal with messages about the kids. You need to secure your source of income. You need to make pick-up and drop-off arrangements for his visits to the kids; you must not see or communicate with him on these visits.

What plans have you made? When will your H move out?

I am sorry to hear that he wants to separate.

As mentioned
you
are
NOT
in plan B!

Not now. Not soon. You must read the book Surviving An Affair and understand it and the plans to implement them. If you don't implement them per the book.....you are not in them.

Plan A is to lure your spouse back in your direction with the ways you first attracted him. To not lovebust with disrespectful judgements, angry outburst or selfish demands (telling them you will not share them with another woman is a fact not a selfish demand). You look attractive, act attractive, etc. as long as you can do so in the face of a spouse who says they are done with you and you prepare for the darkness of plan B. Plan B is something you must well verse yourself in also. You don't kind of understand its structure. You must understand it clearly and with resolve to implement it.

When you talk to the children, they have to know that there is another woman who is in the picture and don't let your husband sugar coat it. If I had not told my children to deal previously to going to plan B.....my wayward H would have left them clueless. His comments were (sniff, sniff) "Mom and I are having problems and I am leaving. I will always be available to you" vague and unsatisfactory to them and guess what....he is not always available to them. They barely see him. Its sad. Anyway. You are going to be in charge of your childrens spirits dealing with this. Clear honesty. Clear messages of difficulty and being in it together with them to support them though you are in pain. They must understand why they will see you in pain.

I, personally would keep my spouse in my bed and bedroom during plan A....until the very day he moved out. I did so. It is how I did my plan A.

fa, you're not in Plan B yet. And I don't think you need to go there yet, unless you're ready to throw in the towel. If you are, pack up his things and put them on the curb. Change the locks. Plan B is a time when there is no contact between the betrayed spouse and the cheating one.

When you tell the kids, make sure he doesn't try to sugarcoat anything.
"Kids, daddy and I have to talk to you about something very important. Your daddy has chosen to have a girlfriend. Now you know that it's wrong for a married person to have a boyfriend or girlfriend, so we have decided that it would be a good idea to have daddy find another place to live because of this affair."

Your WH can answer any questions they have about his girlfriend.

Make sure they understand that they will always be loved and taken care of.

They will likely have questions such as "Will we have to move/change schools/not see daddy anymore?" Prepare your answers in advance. Don't let this devolve into an argument between your WH and yourself.

And don't let WH dodge his responsibility to tell them the truth. No marital re-writing, no "Your mother and I have been unhappy for a while" None of that. Keep the facts basic.

WH's sobbing is completely self-serving. He doesn't like how HE feels, because he knows what he is doing is wrong and is going to destroy his family. It's all about him, as far as he's concerned.

I completely agree that WY is masking his self centeredness and arrogance by sobbing. I think I may stay quiet while dad shares with the kids. We are talking to a child psychologist tonight to make sure we don't say anything too damaging to the kids. My DD has been seeing her for over a year so she knows her well. She's going to be literally crushed by the news, but I can't protect her from this. My DS is more resilient, but will he will be extremely sad as well.

OW is a mystery to me - part of the problem is language related. I don't speak the language of this country and my WH does - that creates a whole other level of complexity since they speak together in that language.

Still not certain that this marriage is worth saving.

Lady, the concept of open & honest applies to the spouses.

The kids don't need to know the gritty details, but they do need to understand that their family foundation is shifting, why it is shifting, and that they will continue to be safe and be loved.

Don't be surprised if the psychologist says to not tell the kids about the A.
I think a lot of therapists are good in general regarding many issues but pretty clueless about infidelity in a family and how to address it openly and honestly. It is easy to sweep it under the rug and be vague with kids to not deal with it. I think many therapists kind of want to do that.

Do NOT let your WH 'share' with the kids! OMG. You're getting a child psy handler? WHY? It has NOTHING to do with a therapist/handler!

The language thing means NOTHING. NOTHING. I can't believe you are relinquishing your control of your family. Do you plan to end your marriage?

fa, your marriage is far from over. There is much you can do to bust up his affair if you try. Your marriage might be too far gone because of the damage of his traveling job, but if there is a chance, it will come from following the advice in SC's awesome post above. I would find out who this filthy who*e is and expose to her side of the family. When you are finished, contact her and let her know she will be eternally hated by the children and the inlaws for wrecking your family.

She might not even know he is married. And it is very probable that her family would be outraged if they knew she was rolling in the pig pen with some married man. She can't very well darken their door step with him, so exposing to her family would cause huge conflict in the affair by embarrassing them.

Secondly, you will harm your children if you lie to them about this affair and the reasons for the divorce. They should be told WHO, WHAT and WHY. They must know who the enemy is so they can protect themselves. If you don't tell them the full truth, you will be teaching them dishonesty. Your children should know that their dad is abandoning their family for nothing, a cheap ho in a foreign country. They have a RIGHT to know this. You should not whitewash your H's crime to cover up for him.

Any psychologist or "therapist" that tells you to lie to children is giving you harmful advice. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist with 40 years experience. He is the founder of Marriage Builders and here is what he says about lying to children:

Dr. Harley [ Dr Harley's credentials] on telling the children:

here



here

here

First off, you are not in Plan B. Plan B is a complete and total separation prefaced with a letter stating your conditions.


He is about as "clear" as a falling down drunk. His words mean nothing.


It sounds like you have given up without a single shot being fired. You have surrendered your marriage and your children's father to the OW without a shot being fired.



There is not other way to "trust" him and as you can see it was too much trust that led to the affair in the first place. Yes he will drop foreign travel if he wants his marriage and family bad enough. But he doesn't have to if you continue to surrender your marriage and your children's family without a single shot.

I have to ask who side you are on because I cannot tell. From your posts it looks to me like you are on the side of the OW and her affair. Are you French? [surrender monkies]


What your H needs to maintain his fantasy is for you to cooperate with his intended destruction of your marriage and your children's family. If you go along with this, you will have nothing but a..........destroyed marriage. It is easier for him to destroy your family if you are his "friend" and dont' object while he sticks it to you and your children. You are making it easy for him.

You are also giving him the impression that you really don't care because you won't fight. Won't you at least fight for the sake of your children?

See, the odds are in your favor but since you have handed your husband over to the OW, she wins without a shot fired. 95% of affairs crumble and never make it to marriage. They are doomed because the very traits that made them possible, deceit, thoughtlessness and dishonesty, eventually destroy the affair.

On the other hand, 65% of marriages never end due to an affair. So, the odds are in your favor. But they are not in your favor as long as you persist in snatching DEFEAT from the jaws of victory.

You have NOTHING to lose and everything to gain if you try to save your marriage. No guarantees, but if you follow our advice, we might be able to turn this around.

The language barrier isn't a problem for us. Let us know which country this harlot lives in, and we'll help you track her down, suggest social media to use to contact her friends and family (maybe not facebook) and translate an exposure letter to her language.

FA, are you interested in fighting for your marriage?

It's not yet time to throw in the towel if you're not 100% sure.

And even if you don't want to remain married to this man, is it really in your kids' best interest to have their dad attached to this woman on a different continent. Of course not. You can do your best to break them up regardless.