Hello,

I'm new. Can't believe I'm here. I wish I had found you all sooner. I have been so in need of comfort.

I hope someone will talk to me.

My H came clean four weeks ago. Have I managed to keep breathing that long? It was the worst day of my life (thus far). I trusted him so completely.

We've been married 8 years, have two girls 3 and 6.

I was so afraid to get married. My dad, whom I idolized, had an affair after 17 years married. Needless to say, my life (and my 5 siblings') was ripped to shreds. He married the mistress, and I said I would never see him while he was married to her. That marriage last 3 years. He is now miserably on marriage number 3, trapped. Still fighting my mom in court over money.

My H convinced me that my life would be different, that he was incapable of this. I even told him during my cold feet weeks that I was sure there was a time my father wouldn't have believed himself capable of this either. My H was convinced. I wish I could take him footage of himself in a time machine... and how quickly he got there.

So now here I am. The H who said he was 100% sure he would never have sex with another woman has been "with" her for 9 months.

He told me he finally "woke up" and felt guilty and was ready to tell me, end it, repent, and to accept all consequences whatever they may be.

I never wanted to be in this place. I feel like I could've handled any marital issue save this one. I feel trapped because we have children and I can't let them suffer as I did.

I can't see how my husband was capable of this choice, knowing how it would destroy me. And then to choose it over and over again.

Praying for amnesia.

Each morning feels like Groundhog Day. I have horrible nightmares and that relief you feel from waking up never comes. My reality is worse than any dream.

Please help!

seriously, so sorry you find yourself here. But you are in the right place. Many of us were in your shoes and we have fully recovered, happy marriages today. Please believe that this can be your future too.

Your marriage can recover if you follow this strict path: a) he ends all contact with the OW, b) affair proofs your marriage and c) follows a plan to recover your marriage.

This is all covered in the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley, which you can get at most libraries, bookstores, or you can buy it cheap on this website.

I will give you some helpful links to start off:

How to Survive Infidelity

The Marriage Builders radio show is an excellent free resource. You can listen to their shows every day and you can also email them any of your questions. It is free and they send you a free book for the email. here

A couple of key questions.

1. who is the OW? Is she married?

2. has all contact ended between your H and the OW?

3. if the OW is married, have you told her husband?

4. what has been done to prevent another affair?

5. have your children been informed of the truth of the affair?

This is recovery in a nutshell:

Sorry you are here. I am new too and I can tell you the dreams are the worst. My wife and I always said we would never cheat. That was like our third date, yet here I am. I can tell you the vets are great - listen to them. Make your own decisions, but the advice is first rate. I had two counsellors tell me what a bad situation I was in, yet gave me no actionable advice. I wish I could go back and read this site and the advice a year ago too.

Best of luck

Thanks for responding MelodyLane and Reynolds531. I am grateful that you took the time.

The OW is an unmarried stewardess. We were living abroad, and unfortunately, when it all started, I had come to the U.S. for holidays and to have a surgery. She made herself available to him while I was gone, he even confided in me that he was feeling weak before it started. She came over to our home one night, and the rest is history... 9 months worth, I'm afraid.

Since coming clean, he has blocked her on phone, facebook, skype, etc. He informs me when she calls or texts, but does not answer. We are apart now though. He is in both countries where they had their A times together, and flies the same airline. He has resigned from his job, but still has to fulfill his contractual time left. He will be back with the family before Christmas, and hopefully won't ever have to go back.

So I guess no contact. Although he was so good at hiding it, and lying... how can I truly be sure? He does seem remorseful. It could have gone on and on indefinitely... so at least there's that. He seemed ready to be done.

The kids have not been informed. Here I am barely functional on my own, trying and failing to be a proper mother. Tonight my oldest said "Mommy you don't love us." I wish they knew why mommy was so short, and crying so much. I am trying to be strong, but by the end of the day, I am destroyed. I can't believe he was off having sex with someone while I was putting crying children to bed. I can't believe so many things.

Thanks for the advice. Part of me just wants to run away... you're words and experience will help me be strong.

Bravo to you for taking this step in the right direction! Changing the conditions makes it possible to repair your marriage.


I would set them down and tell them all about their father's affair. Giving children false explanations for the source of the tension in your house teaches them dishonesty. It is lies and adultery that poison little children, not the truth. I assure you they will conclude they are the source of your anguish if you don't tell them. Kids can deal with the truth, they can't deal with lies. I will post some of Dr Harley's quotes about this.

Dr Willard Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders on telling the children:

here



here

here

I'm so sorry you have to be here. Know this, this board will help in ways you never thought possible. Follow the advice given. The many voices on here know from experience and they are here to help.

Read, post, ask questions, stay strong.

Your WS is NOT your H anymore. Not the H you married.

The first time A occured I found MB and let WH back in too soon. I was so happy to have "my husband" back. He wasn't my husband, he was still a WH back living in his house with his BS and kids, putting up a good front...for 3 years. NOW, BAM, second A, and he's moving out and on with different OW. I should have listened to the advice 3 years ago and NOT let him come back home. FEAR stopped me. You must stay stronger.

Know G-d is with you every step of the way will watch over and protect you. HE does not close a door without opening a window.

@seriously -- "I can't believe he was off having sex with someone while I was putting crying children to bed. I can't believe so many things."

I was there! Reading your post put me right back there. Ugh! It tears me up to think of how much I did,...hopeful,..even giving,...while being lied to and deceived by WH,...makes you feel completely used,...taken advantage of,....knowing you are viewed so low by the WH,...and your meaning and value to them, once thought of as reliable and trusted feelings for you,...exclusive, even (committed/dedicated),...now, it's like you mean(t) nothing to them,...certainly not as important as getting their kicks with someone else (someone they now put above you in their hearts and mind).

This is, actually, the part I still struggle with the most. It's the part I grieve over, because nothing can bring it back for me. No matter how much he does or tries to show his commitment and love to me, I've completely lost the notion that his heart was/is exclusive to me. My perspective has changed. It's now a game of making sure the other person in the relationship doesn't fall in love with someone else. Depending on them,...trusting them 100%,...is for fools. It can never be trusted. Now, my heart can not be given, without thinking of it as a choice to do so,...a risky one at that. He thinks he can bring back the reliable, trusting, innocence I once had, but there will always be that part of me that KNOWS he put someone else above me in his heart. That knows how much he STOMPED on me,..trampled over me, while running to someone else, he felt was more worthy of it.

I, too, told my kids. Actually, they saw the confrontation when he packed his bags and left us (after FR#1),...me screaming and crying,...fuming,...as he slammed the door on me.

He wasn't happy about me telling them. But,...hey,...I wasn't about to lie to them. I also did a "just the facts" approach. I wanted them to know what was happening and have an understanding of why I was crying every minute of the day,...or couldn't get out of bed, some days.

I understand the feeling of wanting to run away (I actually said it to H a few times, during his affair and DDays). It's an overwhelming feeling,...because everything you felt was solid isn't anymore. You want to flee for a safe place,...and what you thought was safe isn't any longer.

Hi, seriously. Sorry you are here under such circumstances.

I felt a twinge of empathy when you mentioned your five siblings. My wife and I have six children. I also felt a twinge of empathy when you talked about your father's affair, as my parents' marriage ended in similar circumstances.

One of the things I've found since I came to Marriage Builders is that I had a lot of wrong assumptions about marriage, and that with those assumptions it was impossible to build a great marriage. Educating myself here and learning how things can work better goes a long way toward making it possible to have a good marriage.

For example,


The fact is that sadly pretty much anyone is capable of an affair. Put a person in the right circumstances and eventually their mind, hormones, and body will all feel married to somebody else. The key is to learn not to ever allow ourselves to live in those circumstances. It's not how much we resolve never to be unfaithful, it's not how good we are at appearing trustworthy. It's the decisions we make in life not to take the first step on a well-traveled road with a horrible destination.

Also:

I know you want to protect your children from harm. It is important to realize that the decision to harm your children in this way was your HUSBAND's, not yours. I know you don't want them to suffer and lack their father. He can make the decision to recover your marriage together, but he is going to have to make that decision and stick to it. If he doesn't, then one of the consequences of his actions may be children who don't want to have anything to do with him. You can do everything possible to recover with your husband, but cannot absolutely guarantee that he will do the right thing.

You are in the right place. Hang in there and listen carefully.

The horrible destination, unfortunately, for the most part, is for the BS. The WS who stays in the A is doing what many many people are doing nowdays: having an affair (see facebook and all the social networking not to count regular affairs in the workplace, with "friends" etc.,,)
What I want to say is, WS has a support system that tells him-her that what they are doing is ok because, look, you are not the only one doing it and love does not last forever. Our society tells us that everyday, that it is ok to seek your own happiness and drop whatever and whomever makes you unhappy....
To the contrary, unfortunately, the BS is seen as a narrow minded, angry person who cannot get over the fact that those things happen (more and more often) and that it is not worth making a big fuss about them.
This is sad, but I hear it daily.
blessing

First off, I am so sorry you find yourself here...but it is the best place for you to be...There are a lot of us, me included, who know your pain all too well.

I just wanted to add to the importance of telling children...They can sense something is not right and they have this incredible way of blaming themselves...you do not want that.

I told my DS when he was six why his daddy left...The pain my precious DS was in was not because I told him about his father, it was because of what his father DID. I told him that when two people get married they promise to love only each other in a special way (like kissing) and daddy gave that special love to someone else. The other person has taken daddy away from us...I told him that I loved his father very much and what he did hurt me very much...etc, etc....Just so you have and idea how to tell them age appropriately.

My DS to this day will not see his father if he is with OW...his choice since 6 years old...if I had not told him the truth his father prolly would have spun it so that he could have DS spend time with OW. Kids are sooooo intuitive....its best to tell them the truth....

I called it babysitting while he was dating. I know the feeling. It's awful.

But you can survive, and you can even thrive.

Thanks Mitzie.

I have to agree with what you said. He is not my H anymore, not the H I married.

He is saying the same thing.

He says things that make it seem like he was a different person when he did this, even to himself, he said he was like a zombie (which sometimes is annoying, like he's not taking responsibility for his actions).

Any advice for how to see him as a different man now? He says he feels so much better, burden lifted, etc, no more lying. He even feels spiritually better, like he is no longer offensive to God.

I am the one who keeps reminding him of who he was and what he did to me.

I want to want to forgive. I wish I could erase the images. How do I go from here to wanting to meet his emotional needs? Do I just fake it til I make it?

Thanks for talking. I appreciate you.

I just wanted to say I am sorry you are in this position. I am sorry you endured that as a child, and I am sorry your H put you here.

@ MelodyLane, Daisy

Thanks for writing. I am not averse to telling the kids. But do you have any advice on how to go about it? I'm torn.

Part of my wishes I didn't have to know this myself. Surely if I just suck it up and get my act together I could protect them.

But I get what you are saying. I imagined myself telling them when they were older as a warning... I hadn't really thought of the benefits of telling them now until the sages on here brought it up.

So at this point I am thinking about it. Do I wait til H is back so we can do it together? It's not like he is going to be out of the house after that necessarily.

But they will sense the weirdness between us for sure. We are actually very good friends though, communicate well (for the most part), and are very low conflict.

Thanks for your time, words, support, suggestions.

Truly appreciated.

@Markos

You are so right about how wrong I thought about the ease of getting into an A. My H admits too that he was proud of his own righteousness in that regard.

At church we'd both been warned not to be alone with the opposite sex. But that's for everybody else, right?

Sadly, when the OW called to see if she could drop by to say Hi, she had something in mind. And he thought he could handle that. I thought he could handle that. I still am shocked that something in his spirit didn't say "I CAN'T DO THIS! GET OUT OF HERE!"

But, I guess we all know now. Sadly. I appreciate though now that he has seen his own weaknesses.

He will be on guard. And hopefully a better H.

Trying to give him that chance.

@Antena

I know what you mean. Though we were raised in a very strict religious culture, we never did more than kiss before marrying each other... we were living in a country where everyone has a mistress, and divorce is commonplace.

So this OW just assumed she could be his mistress, no big deal.

Luckily for me, he knows in his heart that it is wrong. I don't think he ever justified himself, maybe only to tell himself he was a bad person only capable of bad choices. All along, though I think he knew this A would never bring him happiness.

Thanks for talking, and listening, and just being there.

@Gdar Thanks. It's still hard to be around my parents spouses... or anywhere we they are all in a room together (like sibling weddings).

As a child of a bitter divorce, I exhort anyone there to please at least "earn your way out." It's hard to tell myself that, but I know the aftershocks continue indefinitely, and therefore, I know I have to try for my kids.

@GloveOil I appreciate your words too. I am glad to see someone say they are "working to be a better husband forever." That fills me with a lot of hope, and I wish you all the best, and a nod to your wife. I'd love to hear my husband say I have a heart of gold.

I have really been struggling with trying to get into my H's head regarding this. Maybe you can help.

I know he wasn't a predator. She came on strong. But he says after it happened once, he felt dead. And then became a willing participant in the A.

He says he felt almost an obligation to not make her feel bad for what she had done to him (I know! What about your WIFE!), and that you don't just have sex with people, you have sex with people you love, right?

Does anyone else think like this?

So, even though now he likens the first time to a sexual assault almost (supposedly he was saying "Stop, I can't" as she... well you know doesn't stop), afterwards, he comforts her and tells her he loves her. (There was no emotional bonding that I know of before this night).

I just don't get how he turned an awful mistake into a full-on relationship.

I keep saying, I can sort of get "heat of the moment" infidelity, but I don't get how you could make a conscious choice to do it over and over again, for months! Don't you love me at all?

Anyway, if anyone can shed any light on this zombie-phenomenon, or this guilt A phenomenon. He also said he kept it up as a punishment to himself... remaining a bad person. Is that total BS? Has anyone heard/felt this before? Please let me know.

Just not sure I can trust the rest of my life and happiness to someone who could be so hurtful, and who could totally disregard promises, vows, personal integrity, etc. Who could basically lose himself so fast and so completely.

Lastly, I appreciate the practical advice. The truth is, I find it comforting to talk a lot with him, and he takes all the questions, and anger as it comes.

Still wish I didn't have to be here.

The denial in me just wants a time machine to a year ago.

So we'll see how it goes from here.

Thank you.

Gotta say, that post gave me alot of insight.Thanks

As sad as it is, beleive nothing that comes out of a WS when they are talking to you. Example: I KNEW my WH started smoking again after 15 years not smoking. The OW is a smoker who has been trying to quit for as long as I've know her.Other people have SEEN him smoking, He probably started again to feel young, who knows, anyway the conversation went like this:

BS: Are you smoking again?
WH: No
BS: So you're saying your not smoking again
WH: No, I don't smoke
BS: So why would people tell me your smoking when your not?
WH: I don't know, maybe they're trying to make you mad.

WHAT IN THE WORLD!? They are trying to make ME mad. He lied to me about a stupid innocculous thing, that really I don't care about, it's His body AND I smoke, so what does it matter? It matters because if he is still lying about dumb crap like that and trying to manipulate the conversation (trying to make ME mad)so the subject is off his smoking and onto these people trying to make me mad, then he is still the WH who is possesed by an alien.


I state the above because you say you have conversations with him? I'm just warning you to be careful of the answers he's giving you, there might be 1/1000000000 of truth in there but it's mostly babble.

Thanks GloveOil and Mitzie... and all.

I do feel like I am swimming in a sea of B.S.

He says there's no point in trying to understand what he was thinking at the time.

I disagree.

I want to know what choices he was making. How did he justify himself? Why were her concerns and wishes superior to mine? Why was he mean to me the whole time? Why didn't he have mercy on me? How did he go to sleep at night? How did he keep doing it over and over? Why did he sleep with her on the way to telling me the truth? Why did it take him so long to "wake up?"

These and so many other answers seem relevant.

Starting to wonder what the point is. I'm numb, no motivation. Not really interested in marriage building...

She sent him a text today, he emailed me and he notified me and relayed the contents. Somehow she found out he was in town where she lives. He is there for less than 48 hours.

How does she know this?

Why does she think she can contact him?

I am so close to contacting the airline and making sure she loses her job!

I HATE EVEN BEING IN THIS TRIANGLE! Why did he do this to me? I don't want to deal with some idiot who thinks she has a claim on my husband. A husband I don't even want myself anymore.

He doesn't really meet the minimum standards of someone I would be interested in anymore. Not sure how that would change.

Fidelity, honesty, commitment, strength. I thought these were there in him. Now I find him repulsive, weak, unattractive, corrupt.

He wants to be a better man.

Fine.

I would love for that to happen for him.

I wish I could just say, "all the best, God speed."

My beloved daughters. I have to think of you.