All kidding aside, (sometimes I can not help myself ) the advice you are getting is really spot on.

You have to make a descision about your plans (tho the details do not need to be figured out yet, fer sure)

I do not see how you can build a MB marriage without at least the truth being told. The entire truth. You WH seems to be unable to give you this now. With a proper plan on your part, I believe eventually you can get this. I have seen that before.

Secondly, I think your H needs to show humility and understanding of your situation you were placed in.

With the entitlement that is going on, I do not know if you will ever see this from this man. ( I personally can't get over the WH saying "he is due" this, and the OW "is due" something else from you. Like the babysitting during the A, and now how you "owe" her more babysitting! )


But, this is just my opinion. There amr many, many steps to consider here.
I will leave it up to the vets to say if plan A should go on for a few weeks, it sounds like you lived your life to this man as a "plan a", but I am certain you should look into a proper plan b.
To save your sanity.

U guys are so right and I respect everyone on this thread opinions. I do want my marriage to recover but my WH needs to tell the truth. I dont want to know the dirty details. I truly believe everyone but me seen this coming. My mom when she came to visit thought this young girl paid too much attention to my WH. I was like she has a crush on him and we have know this child since 12. As a matter of she met him 1st. She would walk by and say hello. He is more of a outside person than myself. One day I was out there and she walked by and he said meet my little friend. I told him that's a child is not your friend. Anyway I got to know the kid and really liked her. I found out her mom abandon her at the age of 3. U guys get where I am going with this. This child became sexual at 13 and started having babies. I should have paid more attention instead of brushing it off as a crush. I am a very trusting person and never jumped to conclusions. My DD always tells me I am too nice and I need to put my foot down on certain things. This marriage is going to need alot of work on his part. Of course I need some work too. From naked pics, letters, texting, playing n the truck ( he has deny he did that) to a freaking minicam. It is time for me to come up with a plan.

vivi, what is the next step you plan to take?

OK, vivi, so your plan will include this as a condition.

What other conditions must your WH meet?

Vivi --

Your husband had his world set up exactly how he wanted it.
You met a great number of his needs. You represent hearth and home. You are his wife and hold a place of honor in his life.
OW represents something entirely different. And yet she met some of his needs too -- likely admiration.

He never wanted to choose between you. He wanted BOTH. He wanted things to stay exactly as they were. Thats why he hid it all from you. He knew his world would come crashing down if you found out.

By removing yourself from the equation, he is realizing that it is YOU he wants.

OW is realizing that she is going to be completely tossed out of your lives. OW is desperatly trying to re-create the previous situation so that she can stay in the picture. Thats why she wants SOOO BADLY to convince you that nothing was going on.

You need to run the show. You need to very clearly spell out to him (and her) that she will have NO PART whatsoever in your life in the future. You need to lay out EXACTLY what is expected from him. He is going to have to commit to some extraordinary changes to prevent any further contact with OW, as well as changes to the way he conducts himself in this marriage.
And if he's not willing -- ba-bye.

Here would be MY list of requirements:

Moving.

No contact for life with OW.

Full disclosure and discussion of past events. I would require a lie detector test.

Counseling with MB coaches.

Post-nup giving me 75% of all marital assets if we divorce in the future.

Apologizing to your daughter and son-in-law -- and an apology to OW father.

With this man, a lie detector test should be the very FIRST requirement. Vivi, you should not even speak with him until this is done by a licensed polygraph expert. He has lied to you so many times that he has absolutely zero credibility. If he says the sky is blue, you need external verification. I worry about the amount of mental trauma he has inflicted on you.

You realise that if you do this, you are not going to have any contact with him at all for all the holdiays, no matter what happens, right?

The holidays are the most tempting time to break no contact, due to obvious reasons.

On the other hand you are in the most excellent position of demonstraiting your commitment to change, by not allowing him to cake eat, and letting him see what life is really going to be like without you.

Tho very painful, it can be seen as an advantage.

By "the last straw", I'm not talking about the video camera - that was less than a week ago.

What happened to make you wake up one morning and say, "He must be having an A after all! I need to get help with this!" ?

And how long ago was this thing, whatever it was?

You were so upset when you came on here, as if you had just realized he was cheating. What triggered that? When was it - the day you registered?

See, if you just figured out the A around the time you registered, another 1 1/2 - 2 weeks of Plan A might be beneficial, (before going into a pitch black Plan B), although in your case I would say definitely do not go home. People here have to Plan A from under a different roof all the time.

If you've known much longer about the A than the time you've been on here, and after reading about Plan A feel that you had already done a pretty good job with that, then I would be more inclined to advise you to go straight into Plan B.

The most important thing is that you pick one way or the other and stick with it. Hanging out in no-man's-land is not beneficial to you, and is actually hurting your chances of R.

Get into Plan A preparatory to going into B, or go straight into Plan B. Once you are in one plan or the other, we can help you. Until then, there's precious little any of us can do.

I would like to write that letter to WH but I am still very angry and I know I need to keep my emotions in check. Honestly I want my marriage to recover and I know its going to take a alot of time. Its so hard for me to ask for help and that is why I been going through this mess along. I keep things to myself. During my 1st marriage no one knew my ex was beating me or so I thought. (My DD knew but she was a child at the time) it took alot for me to open up to u guys and I am so glad I did because I would proably still be home unhappy with WH. I had goggle infidelity at the time and MB was one of the site that popped up.

She's already been pretty much in Plan B for about a week though (but didn't send WH a letter).

Would it be wise for her to go back to Plan A and then later move to Plan B?

Wouldn't it be better for her to send WH a Plan B letter and stick with that until her conditions are met?

In other words, what would the advantages be for vivi to do Plan A?

Totally agree.

WH is doing nothing but trying to convince Vivi that nothing is going on, and that SHE is wrong for disappointing OW.

No way should she reopen contact with him. It is not safe.

She should not speak to him until she has some sign that he is willing to be honest and remorseful.

She hasn't really been in Plan B. She has just been hiding, without responding to WH. Big difference.

The benefits of possibly continuing a Plan A are that she really has only barely started to Plan A. The only thing the video really changed, was that she had confirmation of what she already knew, so WH could no longer gaslight her.

Dr. H recommends 3-6 weeks of Plan A for women. I would need some compelling reason to advise someone to only do 9.5 days of Plan A, in direct variance with the stated recommendation of an expert like Dr. H. To me, a gaslighting and frankly stupid WS is the rule, not the exception, which is why I have asked a bunch more questions, seeking to know if there is some dire circumstance that would necessitate going to Plan B after only 9.5 days. I agree the gaslighting was pretty bad, but now that Vivi has the tape he can't successfully hornswoggle her.

Feel free to disagree, but in the absence of extreme circumstances, I advise according to Dr. H's guidelines. If there are extreme circumstances, I do hope Vivi will tell us so our advice can be as accurate as possible.

Neak Thank u for being so honest with me. u may think I am not listening to u but I am. I tried to answer the questions u asked me. Neak, I have always to figure things out on my own without asking anyone for help for my personal problems. My DD told family members u know how mom is when it comes to her marriage. I need to write that letter and I need u guys help please. Neak my WS has been lying to me since Jan.26 2010(his birthday) (the day I saw the naked pics on the laptop) The minincam, I found at the end of Nov. ( I did not watch the whole thing just enough to know it was him and the OW having sex---so freaking Eckie!!!) This OW and her kids came to our home for Thanksgiving!!!! I found the minicam at the end of Nov. What nerve this little fool had to come to another woman's home and u are sleeping with her H. She has truly lost her Rabbit Mind!!

You found the minicam at the end of November? Why did you post it as though you had just found it then? You need to be HONEST with us if you are going to receive the best possible advice. It wouldn't have made much difference WHEN you had found the minicam.

This is from YOUR post on December 10th.

The foggier the WS, the shorter the Plan B letter (PBL) should be.


One possible sample. The PBL should be handwritten, so it is very personal and meaningful.

In the PBL, don't bog down in listing all the conditions. Until he's ready for NC, or at least claims to be, he's not ready to hear about moving and extreme precautions.

The PBL is a love letter, giving him the path back, and letting him know there is still a chance.

You should find an IM to handle any important financial agreements, since that wasn't set up ahead of time. It's very hard to retrofit a Plan B that wasn't planned properly, so if that's what you're going to do, fix as much as you can now.

And PLEASE DON'T use one of your Children as IM. Even GROWN children shouldn't be involved in that manner.

To be honest with u I know it was after Thanksgiving. I am not being dishonest.It is hard for me to ask for help which I never do.

Okay, was it before you found this site? Is THAT why you went to Google and searched infidelity?

I would never use my children. My WH and my DD are very close and she has try to questioned me about certain things and i wont answer her. As a matter of fact I quit talking about anything to my family. I do not answer my phone