About a week ago I made the mistake of having a one night stand with another man while I was drunk. I didn't finish the act but I still cheated. I felt so guilty afterwards that I told him the next day. He forgave me right away but recently when I try to talk about it he gets quite and just says he upset and hurt, & that he'll find an outlet for it. I'm worried because at times when I look at him he seems sad. I love him so much and I never wanted to hurt him. I realize I have a problem with drinking, so I promised him I wouldn't drink anymore. I've also been trying to make it up to him by not fighting and letting him do what he wants like go to the gym. But I know that's not going to make this go away. What can I do to make this better? What can I do to get him to open up and talk to me?

Of course he's sad! You've destroyed,...stolen,...what was most precious to him,... his intimate heart,...and his faith and trust in you. Make it better by building that back with actions,...and true empathy and understanding.

Well, the first step is to stop drinking since you have no control over your drinking AND to stop going out without him. Having separate leisure lives is a set up for an affair and is bad for a marriage.

w2b, You've come to the right place. Vets will be by to help you but expect some 2X4s. @X4s are words and suggestion that can land hard on you but they are not meant to be hurtful. They are meant to get you thinking in a different way. The MB way. In the meantine read all you can on this site about surviving an affair and order the book Surviving an Affair. You can go to the bookstore here and order it. The important thing is don't let what some of the responses to your thread may say push you away. If you truly are repentant you will not get better advice anywhere.
L4S

Thank you L4S. I know I'm going to get some harsh words from other but I'm willing to take it for the sake of my marriage. I just want him to talk to me.

Start by using empathy with him,...showing understanding of his feelings,...in an unselfish way. It's selfish of you to WANT him to talk to you, right now.

I didn't look at it that way (the selfishness)- Thank you. But I don't understand how he feels, he really hasn't told me yet and I don't want to just guess or assume.

It's only been a week. It takes YEARS to recover from an A. There is no way you can rush this process.

First, like Melody said, you need to deal with your drinking problem. Just telling him you're going to stop isn't nearly enough. You need to get yourself into AA. Actions speak louder than words.

Second, share this site with your H. Send him here so that he can get the support and help that he needs. Order the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley (you can order it on this site) and read it. Have your H read it as well.

Third, you need to work on establishing boundaries in your M to ensure that something like this doesn't happen again. If you hadn't been out drinking without your H, this would not have happened. It is an extremely bad idea for the two of you to socialize separately, and that needs to stop.

You're right w2b. You cannot and should not guess or assume how he feels. Let him know that you will answer any questions he may have about what happened but don't push it. This will have to be on his time table. You will need to put your big girl panties on and suffer through this becuase your actions are what caused it. Do not make excuses. Take full responsibity with no but responses. Keep your focus on your BHs feelings and be empathetic. Express ti him that your actions were not his fault. That your and only you are responsible for what happened. Suggest to him that you have a tool to help him through this. That tool is this site. Ask if he's be willing to work this progarm with you. But understand you will have to carry most of the load. Did you order the book yet? If not, do it now.

BTW, in regards to your ONS, was this a co-worker, is he married, were you in an emtional relationship with him? You need to establish no contact with this person. None whatsoever. If he's married, you need to let his BW know. Get it all out there so it there's no chance of it happening again.

I am sorry you are here.
I think actions will speak much louder than words here.
You mention that you might be an alcoholic. You need to stop drinking completely.
Compare with alcoholism. You have destroyed your husbands confidence in you. How long would an alcoholic need to be not drinking for in order to convince his partner that he is truely 'cured'? No matter how genuinely convinced he appears to be, I don't think any sane person would believe the problem is sorted after a week.
You need to show him that you are committed to your marriage though actions, not words and even then it will take time. The actions should be to show him that you are taking measures to change yourself into the kind of person with real moral fibre who will never let this happen again. This does not mean behaving like a puppy, running around after him looking for scraps of attention. This is actually worrying as it might imply that you think lack of attention was the reason for the A in the first place.
The problem lies with you and you need to show him that you are taking this problem very seriously and taking measures to ensure that you will never do such a thing again. EVER, in any circumstances.

Just to add, the only way to prevent a problem from happening again is to know the cause of it.
From what I read there are 2 main causes here:
Your lack of ability to handle alcohol
Your lack of appropriate boundaries with men
In both cases the problem is with you, not him.
All on your own, you need to take the necessary action to handle these problems and adjust your lifestyle in accordance. Don't worry, he will notice what you are doing.
Then and only then can you start to work on making your marriage a good one because he will start to feel safe again.

Agree with all tully said. The book Surviving an Affair (SAA) will help you determine what those actions will need to be. Get it and start AA meetings for women only!

First of all, getting drunk and putting yourself in a situation like you did is no excuse. Were you at a club with girlfriends? Sitting at a bar by yourself? Whatever the situation, you certainly set yourself up for something to happen, and this is the problem. Alcohol may cloud your judgement, but you still willfully and purposely went ahead with your one night stand.

"Not finishing the act" does not mitigate your bad choice. Also, you are not fixing the root of your problems by "not fighting" or "letting him do what he wants."

Listen to the vets here and read the Basic Concepts to get an understanding of how to rebuild your relationship into one that is fulfilling and affair-proof. And never forget that the choices you make are willful and deliberate. Own up to the choices you make and realize that there are painful consequences to your poor choices. You're on the right track by coming here.

W2BB,

About a week ago I made the mistake of having a one night stand with another man while I was drunk

Don't try to minimize what you did to your H.

Did you get tested for STDs? Does the OMW, other mans wife, know what happened?

God Bless
Gamma