Lunia, have you read up on pla A and B. You should be going to plan B.

I just wanted to say that I am very sorry you are here. You are in the right place tho! The people here are very helpful and full of advice that works 99% of the time.

Have you read the concepts here?? the Questions and answers etc?? If not ... please take some time to do so. I know there is alot going on in your head, but take it one day at a time at this point. Hopefully a vet will get on board with you here and guide you thought what it is you would like to do using the principles here.

Again .. Very sorry you are here .. But Welcome to Marriagebuilders, you wont find any other place like it on the net.

MrNiceGuy

Lunia, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you find yourself here, but you've come to the right place.

Your WH is drifting back and forth between you because (get ready) HE CAN. You have given him no reason whatsoever to make a clean break with OW. This has been going on since April of last year???

I would suggest you stop allowing him to use your home as a flophouse and stop using you like a cheap wh*re. I would also suggest you stop allowing him to emotionally abuse you and your children with this revolving door he's got set up at both houses. Do you know what this must be doing to your children!?

Have you read the articles on this site? I would suggest you go immediately to Plan B. Cut him off and go dark immediately. Change the locks on the house. Pack up all of his crap and let him put it back in his truck or wherever. Just not in YOUR home.

The problem here Lunia is that your WH knows he can get away with what he's been doing hence the reaction, or lack there of, when you said:

"so I told him if he's not out of her house by her birthday (Dec 19) that it's really over. He said OK and proceeded to chit chat like I didn't just give him an ultimatum."

He does not have any consequences. He's having both of you meet his needs and he's lovin life. IMHO, you need to 1) set your boundaries with WH, as long as he's in contact with her there will be no contact with you. Simply put, Plan B. I think you should be there as long as he's out of the house and don't let him back in until you have NC letter in hand you will mail.

And a firm verifiable committment to recover

I have to believe I would have harmed that boy at that point.

Lunia, I would get out the moving boxes and start packing up his things. Calmly, committedly. Take them out to his truck and throw 'em in the bed. Tell him it's time for him to go.

I've read the carrot/stick, which is basically what I've been doing. He gets more attached to me when I'm happy and when there was a threat I was going to find someone else, it rocked his world.

But Plan A and B? I can't find anything. I'll also say I really don't have time to spend hours here reading everything, I've been trying as much as possible, but with 2 jobs and 3 kids? Do you have a direct link?

Follow maritalbliss' advice: box up his belongings and tell him you will not allow him to make a mockery of your marriage. It's either you and the family, or his affair partner. Don't enable him any longer.

No, you've been doing the carrot and the carrot. Your threats are empty and he knows that. They may actually be having a reverse effect: the heightened tension of the Push Me/Pull You may have made the affair even more exciting for him.

Let me find a link for you.

Dr. Harley writes: (emphasis mine to underscore Lunia's sitch)
"So, then, what is plan A and plan B?

Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments, and selfish demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.
<snip>
But your effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, and even exposure, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.

Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B.

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery. In many cases, once an affair has ended, a betrayed spouse makes the mistake of taking the wayward spouse back before an agreement is made regarding marital recovery. This leads to a return to all the conditions that made the affair possible -- love is not restored, resentment is not overcome, and there is a very great risk for another affair. Without agreement and subsequent implementation of a plan for recovery, the betrayed spouse is better off continuing with plan B."

Read the whole article here

Avoid all contact? Wouldn't that be exactly what he needs to complete the withdrawl from me and be blissfully happy with her?

Yes ... but is that not better than the roller coaster or emotions of bouncing back and forth?? It forces him to make a decision and leaves room for him to make massive withdrawls from his POSOW and helps you get control of your own life. If in the future after you conduct plan B properly He may realize that the POSOW is or was not right for him and may come back to you under YOUR own conditions which should include COMPLETE Transparency in all things .. passwords to emails ... etc. This will stop the love you have for him from continuing to leak and put a stop to the on going damage that he is causing you.

*shrugs*

Nope. That's exactly what he needs to miss the needs you've been meeting that OW can't meet. And it gives you time to pull yourself together and develop a plan to recover your M (by reading the materials on this site.) It ALSO protects you. What you're going through right now is a form of mental torture.

You're going to have to break the grip that the A has on him. He obviously can't do it on his own. And you can't do that by taking turns with OW and welcoming him into your bed every third Wednesday, or whatever.

Sorry maritalbliss i meant "yes" in the way you meant nope.

She's a skank. Happy and or blissful won't be the descriptors once she actually has to do all the work.

You are popping the fantasy bubble - he can have her, or he can have you - and she ain't got naught to offer.

<grin> I just went back and re-read the post and saw the two questions. One's a yes answer, one's a no answer. I didn't even notice.

You are making it easy for him to have both you and the OW. By throwing his belongings on the lawn, so to speak, you are taking away alot of the comfort zone your husband is in. By cutting him off, you force him into a likely painful decision to make.

Affairs are an addiction because the wayward spouse can live two lives and have two worlds in which to reap emotional fulfillment. I would venture to say that without you in the middle, your husband's OW probably wouldn't look so attractive. Especially if he had to actually live with her on a daily basis.
Imagine that!

I'm usually much more intelligent than this... I've lost a few brain cells from this ongoing struggle.

I have it in my head to not make anything easy for him. I'm naturally a very positive person and can put a good spin on anything, so I amuse myself with believing I'm the other woman when he's with her. Yeah, it's probably sick to do so but I KNOW she's demanding he get a divorce. He won't even utter that word in front of me. The relationship they have is literally built on [censored], he's even pretending to be DD14 sometimes when texting her. DD14 would sooner cut off her own nose than have anything to do with OW. The lies he tells her are outrageous, such as I take off and leave him with the kids (hence the weeks he spends at home). I just don't see how it would ever work, they have to be making each other miserable, her by her demands and him by having to keep stories straight and make up new lies to cover the old ones.

And I do know that I make excuses... I just never thought I'd get divorced. Out of all of our friends, we were the only ones left married.

I'll try plan B after Christmas. Any tips? We won't be able to split finances yet, there's a lot of debt racked up from his spending spree on OW last year.

Quoted for TRUTH! or as the acronym goes QFT!