SC,

Just read this thread and I'm sorry for all you've been through in the last year or so.

But, hearing you talk about the funeral and how strong your family was should make you feel a little better that everything will work out going forward without the WW.

Definitely keep up the fight for what is fair. You can come out of this with a broken heart and enough assets to land on your feet, or you can come out of the with a broken heart and taken to the cleaners. The latter is no good for yourself or your children.

Schtoop,

Thanks for the kind words, Still just happy to take it one day at the time and trying to stick to my plan..... Sure hope to finally have some real progress towards a settlement later this month but at the rate thing are going I realistically think it will be in the months to come.

Opt.

In Feb of this of this year I thought I had NC in place, the WW got a new MAC and I was unable to get the password covertly for a while in the mean time one of my DD's came home from school and I looked at her computer and found contact between the DD and the POSOM, it was clear from the reference that the WW was in contact with the POSOM.

I confronted the WW with it and tried to go straight to Plan-B, the WW said she would not leave the house and would if necessary get spousal support from me. I saw the erosion of my Plan-B unacceptable to me so I told her I wanted to D. At that point I saw Plan-B as a waist of time.

We talked it thru and I filed 2 days later.

Looking back I had holes in my surveillance that I never got plugged and I'm paying for it now....... realistically I don't think it would have made any difference in my case

After I filed for D in March I moved to this thread.....

I don't doubt that I have raised more questions so fire away.....

Between the World Cup and the Tour de France starting I'm losing all my productivity Just can't seem to get myself away from the TV.

It's a nice distraction form the D drama.

SC,
Thanks for the synopsis above. Sorry I didn't see it until today. No, I don't really have any questions. Hope you're well.

That's what baseball bats are for.

~Opt~

I figure it's about time for an update...


Since 1990 the WW and I have taken our 4 kids to RAGBRAI (Register's Great Bike Ride Across Iowa ) we haven't gone every year but have been on it over 15 times.

It's always been our favorite vacation and we've raised our kids on that ride. The WW wants us to continue to do that trip together. This year we took a total of 19 people with us and had a great time. On the surface you would never suspect that we're in the process of divorcing.

Just before we left for the trip the appraisal came in for the farm, we haven't talked yet about it but plan to tomorrow. If we can really have a serious talk we should finally start to make some progress, the WW obviously is more interested in taking her time, I'm ready to get on with it.

We have the girls at home right now they are off to college in a little over a week. Then it will be just us chickens around to peck things out.

Sure hope to have something worth reporting next time I update

SC

The WW and I have talked twice now, 1st time was Sunday night, really it is the same conversation we had months ago but now we have a current appraisal on the farm to back it up. I've agreeded to a 50% division of assets including my retirement....OUCH!!!!! Doesn't matter what her behavior has been............ she entitled.

When I write that out it really pisses me off but I was ready just to give her everything about a month ago at a low point, so I guess I need to focus on what I get to keep.

Because it is truly 50% there's nothing to fight over but that's not all she wants. She maintains that she wants " restorative alimony" I think she wants it for about 4 years to pay for law school or something else if she decides.

My lawyer has said I have plenty of evidence to support my position that I should not have to pay it. but I'll have to fight it to get out of it. I'm guessing it will cost me about 20k to fight it paying for both lawyers, I expect the WW will be asking for 2k to 4k a month

The WW's lawyer is big on mediation and I expect that to be the next step for us to go thru, I guess that's when the gloves come off and she sees the video for the 1st time I would hope the shock value of that plus the other stuff I have would get her to cave.

But as we all know there is no day in court where we are vindicated, it all comes down to the money and the whelms of a judge......

I'll be in touch, I'll be pressing the WW to go to what ever step she feels is necessary to move forward, I so appreciate your advice on how to handle these delicate steps that are ahead...

SC

As you are finding out, Ds are not wealth building events. My XWH was going after half of my 401K, so would not settle. My fees alone were almost $50K. Add that to many other loses incurred due to an A, and it all has me starting back at the financial state I was at in my early 30's. Only this time I don't have 30 years to prepare for retirement anymore.

ChailLover,

Yep your right... we don't have much time to recover and I'm sure for me my life style we be affected permanently...... we all need to choose well if we remarry. The thought of going thru something like this again is beyond my comprehension.... never mind the fact I never in a million years thought I would be going thru it in the 1st place.



So almost 4 years into this since the 1st D-date..... it is time to move on!!!!!

I have set up an appointment with my lawyer for tomorrow, I haven't spoke with her for several months, the WW and I are suppose to be working out an amicable solution and since the WW has involved her lawyer that has changed things.

I expect to have a day of mediation, I think it is suppose to be 2 lawyers plus the mediator. I think it is a waist of time but I guess it is worth a try.....

Now is were I am looking for your advice!!!!

I have a video of the WW and the POSOM that is lock tight and the WW doesn't know about it. I have about an 1 inch stack of e-mails and skype contact that I got by snooping her computer but my lawyer says that is not admissible.

The WW is not denying the A and so that may take some of the punch away from me.

I think that the WW hopes to prove she needs the support on 2 fronts
1. Her business is not generating enough income ( this is true but she is working very little and not trying to build her business IMO)
2. Her health prevents her from working full time. ( I think I can beat this one, the WW is a tri athlete and is training for an Iron man. That alone should settle it, I just have to prove it. The health concern is her leg, she had a deep vein thrombosis in her left knee 6 months after we got married, that leg gives her trouble from time to time)

My concern is do I show her what I have during mediation in the hope that she will cave, or do I hold that til the court hearing. As I type this I would think the time to present it is during the mediation, If her lawyer understands that there is no chance to dispute my claim then he may advise my WW to take the deal.

I've been thinking that I could offer 10k or so saying that is what I would be spending to prove my point in court anyway.

So what would you do???

What else would you do ????

What wouldn't you do ?????

What am I not doing that I should be doing??


Also I was thinking of setting a hearing date with the court to put pressure on the WW to settle, with the clock ticking I think it might help , not sure what all the down sides to this one are but I'm going to ask my lawyer about it tomorrow

SC, you should really, really follow your lawyer's advice on this one. If you don't trust your lawyer enough to take her advice, find a new one.

Since you live in a no-fault state and the emails and video tape cannot be introduced to court, you may just piss off the mediator if you show them during mediation. Your lawyer will probably know the mediator and have a guess if this is the case.

Also, you should consider if this may back fire on you and make it less likely your STBX will work with you. When you walk into court, it's a crap shoot, so you want to avoid that.

Stillcommitted,

I just went through a very similar mediation a few weeks ago. Same thing, both lawyers plus a mediator. The only difference is that my WW had no intention of taking it to court and knew that I had a good bit of evidence to prove her affairs and that I was more of the primary care giver than she was.

Without showing too much of your hand, I would have a couple talks with your WS to see if there is some common ground on issues such as custody. If you can have some idea of agreement before mediation, the whole thing goes a lot more smoothly. Other than that, division of assets can be tricky but should end in basically a 50/50 split. Things like child support are usually straight forward and done by a formula.

Coming to a settlement in mediation has a lot of advantages, the biggest being that you and your WS control the outcome, not the the court. And no one knows you and your childrens' situation better than you and your spouse.

With all that being said, mediation is not a court battle, it's a time to see if you two can come together on a common solution. It's not really the place to come in guns a blazin with a lot of accusations and evidence. Let your lawyer steer you through this. My advice is to hold all the evidence back for trial if it is necessary, but maybe let your lawyer give some hints as to what you have if the negotiations are about to fall apart.

Went to see my lawyer today, Talked for 1 1/2 hrs. Wrote her another check,It just doesn't matter what the WW's conduct has been, she'll get about 1/2 and that's just the way it is .


From what I heard today the state will see that she gets 50% unless both parties agree to something else. I can give more (not likely) WW could agree to less (who knows)


I just see myself running out time to repair my retirement.

Before I can have a contested D I have to have a mediated session.

After talking with my lawyer WW and I have agreed to try the less formal of just the 4 of us working on it.

My lawyer feels I won't give up much but time doing it that way if it fails. We would sill have the mediated session before going to court.

I think I'm OK with that, the WW and I are on good terms so far. I know that can change any minute, but for now it seems a reasonable approach. Her lawyer is a mediator but can't act in that capacity while representing the WW.

As far as the kids are concerned the DD's are 21 now and they are the youngest, It is a blessing not to have to fight over custody.


If there is a positive side to this it's that were ready to sit down and try and after months of nothing , that's progress.

Appreciate your thoughts

Just nervous enough about my posts that I'm going to lay low for awhile....

Just in case........ hope to be back up in a month or so....

I'll be lurking

I just can�t believe someone can cheat on another and end up with half the betrayed spouses stuff. And what�s worse is that scenario repeats itself over and over on these boards. Seems like too much hassle and expense to take them to court and try to prove they were wrong so as to reduce it. I am so sorry this is happening to you. I wish I had some pithy thing to say that would make it better, but I don�t.

Understand if you need to lay low, but pls don't disappear completly (spoken from someone who mostly lurks!)

Hey SC

Just catching up on your sitation. WOW looks like a lot has gone on since June.

Sorry about the loss of the D's BF.

How is your brother doing?

I too am moving forward. If nothing changes nothing changes.

See you back here soon.

Nesre

Just a quick update, for those that have kept up with me


Got a mediation date of mid November,

Plan to get back on line after that

Thanks for your prayers

SC

Hope all goes well next month...

Hey SC still with ya. I to have laid low.

Thanks all you no fault divorce states. You suck big time. WayTurd can do as they want and still get half of everything you have worked in good faith to try to provide.

Comes down to the State will make sure they do not end up on them. Period. End of story. Unless you want to spend big money to go to court.

I am right in the middle about the same place as you are SC. Our fun filled Saturday night was hammering out division of everything. At my age and financial state I do not have many years to recover either. I either spend it on a lawyer or just take it you know where.

What bothers me most is it is promoted by most all of the professionals (WayTurds entitlement) regardless of the situation. Starts at the state legislator-then judges. Then the plumbers rule kicks in-The c r a p rolls right down hill. Sure seems to help promote with re-enforcement in the Wayturd their entitlement attitude.

Gonna present our settlement to my lawyer this week and see if he thinks its good. It may actually be on the low side. Not sure a judge will OK it.

I am with ya brother. Still think about you often. Hope to see you here after your mediation...........

Don't forget to bring Vaseline with to mediation. It does help.

Nesre

Nesre,

Good to see your in the fight.... I'm running not walking to the closest exit!!!!!!!! I've be trying to keep a good journal and hope to catch up my thread later when I more comfortable with shearing ......

And yes it sucks......

Take lots of pictures and notes and video, you know the judge just might get pissed off and actually rule with some sanity and put the assets where they will benefit your DD.

One can dream.......

Staying the course

SC

Well, I'm back on my thread......

I had my mediation today, after filing 8 months ago, taking our time to be amicable, it came down to what could have happened in 10 minutes, 4 hrs and $2200.00 later, found out my WW is light years away from a settlement.

The only positive thing that came out of it is I've got the mediation out of the way and can now go to court. And on that note my lawyer told me today it would likely take 9 months by the time it's over.

Staying off my thread didn't seem to matter and I probably overreacted to covering my tracks thru this part of the process.

While I'm venting it was almost exactly 4 years ago that I first suspected the WW of having an A, now 3 A's later and thousands spent on counseling, and never mind the effort I have invested in trying to save our marriage, I am now turning 53 tomorrow and will have been married for 29 years before I can get my freedom from this mess.

Dr H talks about that you will know when it's over and that if you have done everything you can to try to restore the M that you will have less regrets after it's over. From where I sit tonight I have to say the only regret I have right now is that I stayed to long. On the emotional side I am over morning the loss of my M.

It will be sad to watch most of what I have disappear into paying for the D.


My lawyer is confident that we will do well in court, given the judge I have drawn and the nature of the WW's behavior, that I will have to pay some alimony but likely a fraction of what the WW was demanding today.

SC, I'm sorry for you. I know how you feel because I've felt that way myself.

I want you to know how helpful your post is to me. There are times I feel regret and sorrow, and sometimes it bothers me to think I might spend the rest of my life alone.

Then I read a post like yours and realize how much better off I am now than if I had stayed in a faithless, sham of a marriage. The sheer drain on one's emotions, physical and mental health and financial standing just aren't worth it.

Thanks, buddy. I know it's not a great time. But even now you've managed to help someone else, and that's a really good thing!