Greetings.

A month ago, I ended and confessed to having an affair. It had gone on for about 9 months, but I couldn't stand it anymore, and confessed to my wife.

She has found this site, and has gotten great advice and comfort from the people who respond to her, and I was hoping to get some advice too. I know I don't really deserve anything good in my life right now, but I'd really appreciate some help.

I truly want to be back together with my wife. I know that I threw things away by doing what I did. Without going through the entire emotional/spiritual/mental process that it too to really be brought down in sorrow for what I was doing - I'm there now. I'm not sure I can feel any worse about myself. I am near suicidal when I contemplate the pain that I've caused my lovely wife. I have no shame in telling people what I've done, because I welcome the criticism and shunning and anger. What I did was terrible. I threw so many blessings in my life away by doing what I did. I ruined her life, and I ruined the lives of my children, and they don't even realize it yet. I came to the realization, that if I was ever going to rise back up, and be the man I want to be, I couldn't slink off, and drown myself again in money and arrogance, and pride, and let myself die that way. I have to be changed from the inside out, and be the man that I always thought that I was...truly be the man that my wife thought she was marrying.

Since confessing the affair to my wife, I've done everything that she has asked, everything that my spiritual/religious leaders have asked, everything our marriage counselor has asked and much of that coincides with what is recommended here on MB. I have had no contact with the OW. In the instances that the OW has reached out, I have told my wife. I resigned from my job which kept me out of the country. I am going to the counseling sessions with my wife...even joining by Skype while I am finishing my last week at work. I have answered every question that my wife has asked me. And I have such a desire to repair things with her. She is so incredible, and I am just in horror that I did what I did. It is hard to even recognize the person that did those things as me.

The problem I face in all this, is that my wife really seems to have no desire to repair the marriage. If the children weren't here, I'm sure she would have left already. She is making some effort to change that feeling, but it is going to be very difficult for her to even want to work on the marriage. We have talked so much since the A came out, and I am grateful for that.

I guess what I want to know - from both sides WS or BS:
1. Can anyone offer any encouragement of being the WS, and how did you stay positive, and continue doing the right things even though the BS tells you she hates you, and is going to leave you, and there is no point. Did things ever turn around for you? I get so depressed when she speaks to me that way...she has every right to, I know. I'd just like to hear what strategies anyone has had at staying positive and continuing to do the right thing in the face of the criticism.
2. At what point do we need to make a decision....are we going to work on the marriage or not...I know that I want to. She is still not there yet. What is the experience from the BS side....do I need to prepare for years of waiting before she wants to try, months? I feel like I'm willing to stick out several years of "punishment", but I would like to start moving towards repairing the relationship sooner rather than later.
3. How successful is separation? My wife feels that she wants to do that. I'm terrified of that, because it will reduce the amount of positive time we can spend with one another working on the relationship. But i want to do whatever she feels she needs to do to a) work on her pain of betrayal and b) get a desire to work on the marriage. If she does insist, how quickly do I "roll-over" and let it happen? Wouldn't leaving allow her to think in her mind that in fact I don't love her enough to stay?

I'm so sorry for what I've done, and I have "woken" up out of that dark place and sincerely want to do the right things. I know it is all up to her, but at what point do I actually listen to her and let her walk out. Or at what point do I actually need to listen to her and leave her alone? I almost feel like I should tell her I screwed up again, so she can leave me, and feel peaceful about it instead of working through this pain.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Also, if there are any men who are feeling weak, or who are having problems, I'm happy to be held up as an example of what not to do. I ruined everything in my life by these terrible choices, and if I can help save someone from doing the same, at least some other family's life can be saved.

Welcome.

Who is your BW here? I suggest you stay off her thread so that it can be a place where she can express herself and get help without feeling that you are looking over her shoulder.

You have done some things right:
You told her yourself and were not discovered.
You cut all contact with OW and you are informing BW of any breaches in contact. (I hope you sent a NC letter to OW and now are not responding in any way to any contact from OW)
You resigned your job to ensure that you will no longer be tempted and no longer potentially in contact with OW.

HOWEVER, what your BW is probably thinking (I say this from the perspective of a BW myself) is 'has he come back to me because he realises that the best thing for HIM is to be with me and his family and not because he cares about ME and what he has done to me.'
This is a serious question a BS has to answer before deciding to continue with a marriage. If you are only coming back to the M because it suits you then what's to stop you cheating again in the future if, for some reason, circumstances change and you now feel that the best thing for you is to leave. Imagine your wife gets cancer and you have the possibility of cheating on her with a young healthy woman are you going to do it because it's where your 'best interests' lie, because that's where you get your ENs fulfilled?? How safe do you think she would feel in this situation?

You have done the easy stuff already. Now you need to look into your heart and examine why you are the kind of person who lies, cheats and deceives and why you did this to the people who trusted you, your wife and children. Why were you prepared to destroy their lives and stability to get a bit of sex on the side? It's an important question. It takes a lot of work to become a man of honour, a man whose promise means something, a man who can be depended upon to be honest and who has the courage to confront issues rather than run away and whine in the arms of some sleasy, immoral woman that 'his wife doesn't understand him'.
It takes a lot more than wheedling your way back into the marriage and then saying 'phew, I'm in' once she says she's prepared to forgive.

You destroyed her trust in you and it will take a lot to rebuild it. Do you have it in you to become a bigger man than you ever were before (because to be honest, what you were before doesn't cut it) ?

Welcome to MB, seriouslyWS.

I familiar with your BW's story. This needs to be addressed basically before anything else:

My understanding is that in the past month OW has tried to contact you numerous times by phone calls & text. This means NC has not been reached yet. It doesn't rectify things that you didn't respond or that you notified your BW of the contact. A NC letter needs to be sent in accordance with SAA. If I were you, I would move heaven and earth to change your number immediately and to ensure that OW never contacts you again. If she had your email, I would change that as well, etc. Every single attempted contact delays your W's healing and sets you both back.

Welcome, seriouslyws.
I need to go back and double-check your BS's thread, but my understanding is that you have not sent a NC letter, and it appears that OW still has means to contact you.

Have you changed your cell number & email address? How is this broad able to get in contact with you?

@tully Thank you. I understand those things, but it is good to hear it and be reminded.

@SusieQ - I hear you on the contact, and I've now gotten rid of all manner of possible contact except the phone number. that is in process, and will happen earliest on Sunday, and latest on Wednesday.

GloveOil thanks for the response, I appreciate knowing there are those out there who are working on it. I think today I finally got the "extraordinary precautions" idea...my wife shouldn't be the one coming up with ideas for anything...i need to be doing them enthusiastically on my own...today I got completely rid of FB, and the other day I sent my wife a list of all my email accounts and passwords. also, I will be in the OW city one more time before I am home for good...instead of staying in a hotel, I've arranged to stay with a colleague - before my wife has a chance to say I should. I think I finally understand that part now..before I was still being passive and just trying to do exactly what my wife wanted, but I need to show her that this is what I want too.

Can you tell me who your BW is? The others seem to have figured it out. I might be a bit slow.
Have you sent the NC letter?

Agreed.

She must be

seriously

The thread is mourning with those who mourn.

yes, that's the one. she actually encouraged me to read her thread, and we have been discussing all the responses. She said she didn't mind me getting some advice as well, and making it clear that I was connected with her.

I get it now. seriously and seriously_WS. Aha!
Yes, I am definitely slow...

Read over the concept of the love bank, making love bank deposits by meeting emotional needs, making love bank withdrawals by committing love busters, and the concept of the giver and the taker.

Your actions have committed enough withdrawals that your BW's love bank is in the red. You need to put your taker on hold (because basically, all you have done recently is just listen to your taker), and start building up the balance in her love bank again. If you are serious about recovery, you will give and expect little in return (pretty much just fidelity) until you have build up her love bank to the point where she falls in love with you again. That is your task. Now read up on how to do it.

SWS, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are in the right place. The first thing I would do is send that old skank a no contact letter telling her buzz off and never contact you again. The letter should be written together, approved by your wife and sent by her. I will post some a sample letter from Surviving an Affair:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

People here will advise against separation, but I absolutely needed my FWH to move out for a while after I learned about his A (an A that occurred years ago).

I needed a break from him, to think things through and focus on me. I needed the separation so we could communicate in writing instead of in person so I could read his answers to my questions in black and white. I wanted to nix his emotional apologies and just get the facts.

It wasn't a long separation, but it helped me tremendously. It wasn't my intention when I asked him to move out to make him miserable, but he was and got a little taste of what life would be like if he was EVER unfaithful again.

Because there will be no second chances for him. Like Dr. Harley states, now that we have all the right information about how As begin and how everyone is vulnerable if they lack boundaries, now that we've put Extraordinary Precautions in place, now that we work from a plan regarding meeting each other's emotional needs and the time we spend together, there's no reason/excuse/out to cheat ever again. None.

Confessing an affair is just the starting line of a two to five year process for recovery. Things do not heal and go back to normal after two weeks.

Your BW may take six months to just get her feet back on the ground to just process and grasp what has happened. Then the second six months BW can go into an anger phase that can last for six months.

There can be hysterical bonding now or you will be cut off. You are on the roller coaster ride of your life.

Aw, tully, come on - you're as sharp as a tack! You missed it because it was so..er..obvious.

Total honesty: it took me a second, too, until I went "Duh! Seriously, SeriouslyWS."

Of course she's not sure yet. It's only been a month. The gut wrenching pain and disgust and disbelief and anger is still raw. Very raw.

Picture your wife's heart and soul having giant tears. And you're the one who used the knife. Yet you're the same one who can mend the wound and encourage it to heal.

Keep posting here, read the books, do the work. You will show her by your ACTIONS that she can heal with you still in her life.

SWS, separation is usually not a good idea because it increases the risk of divorce and often results in a resumption of the affair at a critically vulnerable time. A separation can add a whole new layer of problems to the mix. I have seen so many affairs resume this way, that I have to agree with Dr Harley on this point.

Your wife has nothing to lose and everything to gain by not separating. If she decides to end the marriage, you can separate at that time. But if she is still undecided, I would live together so that no further damage is inflicted if she decides to pursue the marriage.

PLUS, it is much easier to keep an eye on the WS if you are living together.

SWS, I can see the issues that likely led to your affair.

A) Spending the night apart from your wife. This is an invitation to an affair. When couples spend alot of time apart like this, they become emotionally detached and develop independent behavior. This becomes an open door for an affair when this person has opposite sex friendships and inappropriate boundaries around others.

B) Having opposite sex friendships. Discussing your personal life with opp sex coworkers. This is how most affairs start

Change those dynamics along with being completely transparent, commit to spend 20+ hours per week with your wife and you will affair proof your marriage.

It is suggested that the BS wait up to two years to make a decision on whether to remain in the M or to leave. I suspect that time period is mentioned because there is a processing period involved in dealing with an A, and that takes about two years. Some need as many as five years.

I would suggest that neither of you set a timetable for making that decision right now. There's a rollercoaster you're going to have to ride first, and that's going to take a lot of energy.

As far as separating, my opinion is that it is always easier to work on healing together.

thanks mb

I think that separation is probably not a good idea here.
Especially since the OW is still contacting you. I suspect that's because you didn't close that door strongly enough. If you want to truely get rid of her you could. I recommend an NC letter written by you and approved and sent by BW.
The least you can do is protect your BW from this slease.