Lunia, this whole thread is the maddest thing I've ever read!!!

What?
So the message you are conveying to your teenage children is that not only is it OK for Dad to cheat with a sleasy OW but in fact their mother is getting down into the mud with them too!!!
Go to Plan B before Christmas. Don't participate in a charade with your family for anyone! This is not a game. This is real life and you are teaching your children all the wrong lessons.

I'm not sure why anyone would want unconditional love. Why wouldn't you challenge your spouse to be their best? Why wouldn't you want them to be healthy?

To me, unconditional love = I don't care enough to want the best for you.

Left unsaid is "MY GIRLFRIEND is back at the house waiting for me."

Oh, I agree with the peeing analogy, alright. It's what hound dogs do. I would kick the hound dog that tried to pee on my leg, but I like animals.

My H introduces this way: "I'd like you to meet my W, MaritalBliss." He acknowledges that I have a name. As opposed to just introducing me as a possession of his.

Think about it:
This is my wife.
This is my car.
This is my lamp.

Sorry, just a personal beef, but you might want to look at forcing him to call you by name so he has to acknowledge you as a person.

You are throwing away what is undoubtably your finest piece of weaponry for killing this A if you don't go to Plan B before Christmas.

Your WH's grandmother and mother are capable of more than you know. Do not shortsell them on this and do not deceive them by making nice for their benefit. How do you think they'll take it if they find out you two are getting divorced?

A couple of responses... I'm not going to individually quote each one... I'm not in a good place right now.

1) He adds, my wife to his introductions of Lunia, he doesn't just introduce me as a possession.

2) My teenage kids know exactly what's going on and it's that I will NOT give up on my marriage so easily. We're very open and have a great relationship. They don't think what's going on is right, and they have complete understanding. I was a little insulted by that post, which is why I switched to lurking for a while.

I did plan B this morning. After having a really nasty conversation with him and insulting him, I decided it's probably better this way. I am starting to hate him for what he's doing to the kids and his job and me. He went to a party last night at a really good friend's house, got drunk, took a nap and NONE of them noticed he was not in any condition to drive so instead of staying there which he told me he would do, he drove home to her house and had an accident on the way.

I sent it via email because I don't actually know he's sleeping there, this would be the weekend he has to come home for his home fix so he may not be there. I don't know.

Here's what I sent.

My Dearest WH,

I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with XXXX possible. I foolishly thought that by staying by your side and doing whatever you required of me, our marriage would be helped and the affair would end. I know now that all I was doing was enabling your �having your cake and eating it, too� attitude. I know now that the fog you�re in cannot be lifted by me alone.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meets your needs, as well as mine. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with XXXX once and for all, permanently.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. You can call DD14 at any time, to arrange a visit. You can pick them up and take them wherever you like, except for XXXX�s house. I cannot have my children in such an immoral environment.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the pain I have endured because of your relationship with XXXX. I understand you don�t fully understand as you�re not in full control of yourself. Because of this, I cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with her. I still love you with all my heart but I cannot see you under these conditions. I must protect myself now, I can no longer be part of this triangle. My physical health and sanity are eroding.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from XXXX and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total and complete separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me and I want the same. I want us to grow old together and watch our children become adults, play with our grandchildren and enjoy our golden years.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing XXXX.

With all my love,
Lunia

P.S. I believe in our marriage, I believe in you and I refuse to give up on us, but I need to stop the pain.

Go ahead and tell me what I did wrong, I'm seriously trying to hold it together right now because I'm with DD8 and she doesn't need to see momma fall apart.

And he just called and told me I'm making the biggest mistake of my life. Not doing so good right now

Lunia, if you are in Plan B, then why are you taking his calls? He is not going to take you seriously if you tell him no contact and then allow contact 5 minutes later.

Do you have an intermediary that can pass on any messages about the children or finances? A neutral party who will agree to act as a spam filter?

I would also suggest changing the locks so he can't get in. If he has access to the house, he will just barge in and taht is the end of your Plan B.

Have you read Surviving an AFfair? Are you fully versed in Plan B?

You have implemented B so
screen your calls (caller ID or answering machine which does not contain your voice as the message anymore)
change locks so he can't come in and if he does before you change them....ask him to respect your boundaries and leave until he can meet the conditions you have stated in your message to him
prepare for withdrawal from him.......depression he is not with you....but you WILL get through it (if he doesn't meet your conditions first and recover with you) and you can view it as how you are modeling for him what you expect of him (no contact with someone even though it is tough for the greater good of the relationship)

I know you are down.

It is tough stuff but others have done it before you and others will do it after you.

I think its great you followed the book's letter, crafting it to suit your situation.

Just remember, HE is making the biggest mistake of his life. YOU are doing the moral, loving thing by protecting yourself and your family from a soul-killing situation.

And of course, he is now in full fog-speak.

I gave him one phone call because I saw in another thread there was a conversation right after the letter was given. I figured one would be OK. He said he read the email but is taking it's meaning as it's over between us. Is there such a thing as fog-reading? I reiterated that it hurts me too much to be in contact while he's with her and as soon as he ends it we can be in contact again.

I'm having serious doubts, I don't think they will ever go away. One one hand, I can spend a couple hours reading threads here and I feel strong and am sure this method will work, I feel empowered. And then I resume life and my actions are biting me in the butt. My brain is telling me WH is different than all these other Hs, that our relationship is different and I crash and want to call him. I haven't, but how long until I do crack?

Actually, I want to say, also, I read one thread here, and the BS has been in Plan B for a year. That's disheartening, really. Does it take a year? More?

Plan B is not a guarantee that your marriage will survive. It is not the tool that is used to make the wayward spouse give up his affair.

It is the best chance for those things though.

It is the best chance for you to remove yourself from the toxic stew of his affair and to get your balance as an individual back.

Yes, the wayward sees plan B as the start of plan D. Of course they do. They don't see you visually fighting for the marriage. But....a plan B....which follows a plan A makes you an attractive choice should the affair ever end.

It sounds scary, I know it does. It is the best plan given the crummy situation of infedelity though.

You have seen how your WH keeps on in his affair anyway. He is not being a good husband. You have to do what you are in control of. Control your own environment and self and learn to protect your boundaries.

OK, here's another spot of honestly. Someone asked a few pages back how I seem unfazed by it all. My answer then was about hiding behind words. I am hurting, badly, but I've been telling myself that as long as I'm hurting the OP, I can handle it.

See, she wants him 100%, to get a divorce and be with her and her kids. She wants my kids at her house. She wants my life, basically.

So, in my head, my justifications for letting it continue, is that while he's cake-eating, she's not getting him 100%. She's not the typical, looking for a married man, whore. She thought he was divorced when they got together. He told her some half-assed crap that he was already divorced and only living with me because I couldn't handle it without him. So she put 100% into him, I even saw a FB post where (in July, so less than a month of him living there) she said they were going to get married.

It's funny, because I've met her before, when I was pregnant with DD14, I was in her house, with a mutual friend, talking and chatting. It's funny, because we could have been friends. She's not really like me at all, but I've had weirder friends.

To me, from what little I know, is that there are some similarities. We both have curly hair, we both wear glasses, we're both social drinkers only.

I know from reading various things, that I only hate her because if I put all the blame on WH, I'll hate him. That's why I do it, because if I sit down and think of all of it, I have to blame him. I don't want to. I do still love him, so to preserve that, I have to blame her. And in blaming her, I'm pissed. So pissed, I want to hurt her. So, that's been my justifications.

Lunia, here's the thing: OW wants him 100%. But YOU deserve him 100% - he's your husband! You don't deserve whatever per cent he decides to bless you with.

I knew a woman in your sitch. Same deal. And she didn't do anything to end the A. Her H went between her & their kids, to OW and HER kids, for decades. Decades. I asked her why in the world she would want to live like that. Her answer was "I can't have all of him. I'll take what I can get."

Is that what you want for you and your kids? To take the crumbs that are left over after OW has had him for awhile, and then he's back off to OW and his 'other' family? Back and forth, back and forth? Will you settle for that?

I totally get where you are coming from L.

We allllllll do!

We love our spouses and don't want OPs to win/get 'im/beat us at this.

Thing is

1. You already jumped off the dock into the water of plan B
Part of you said "It is time" and did it
2. You must build your own sense of self up during this time so that you don't NEED to be with him/win. You must be able to stand in your place and say "I am worth the whole enchilada. I am worth being strong, even if it means being on my own and figuring it out"
3. You must do your best to get with the plan you chose to implement (see number one)

It isn't easy at first. Nope. You love him. You will have sleepless nights, tears, tough times. Your children will understand that you love their dad and are doing your very best to salvage things. They will respect you for it. You are also setting a model they will remember if faced with the same situation. In my case, my oldest was dumped by his fiance of four years(she was secretly dating another guy and he found out and broke the engagement) and he had seen me implement plan B and though in great pain, he says it helped him recover from his own heartbreak. I modeled behaviour that came in handy for him.

No its not. It is called breaking Plan B and ruins your credibility. If you say no contact you need to MEAN IT. NOWHERE do we tell Plan Bers to break Plan B for one phone call. We tell them just the opposite. You should take extraordinary measures to make sure he does not get through. The locks should be changed, the answering machines unhooked, his # blocked on cell phones, his email address blocked, etc.


I have my doubts it will work to get your H back. But if you can get him back, this is your best chance. The purpose of Plan B is to protect you from the abuse. Removing yourself from their circle of abuse allows you to regain some peace of mind.

How is that strategy working for you? All it has done is trained him to get his needs in TWO places so he doesn't have to choose one over the other. Now, with you gone - if you really mean it - she will be forced to meet ALL his needs. His expectations of her will rise dramatically which will create conflict in their affair. Once the conflict starts, the lovebusting will start and the affair will start crumbling.

But, in the meantime, you are removed from his circle of abuse and have an opportunity to regain some peace of mind and restore your good judgment. There are no guarantees, but you are guaranteed some much needed PEACE by avoiding abuse.

Read this. Again, and again, and again.

Once you no longer do the heavy lifting, she won't be able to hold up, the fantasy will die.

D-A-R-K.

The problem with that is that they've been there. She does take care of all of his needs, she has no problem doing it. She has no life outside of him. He's treating like a king with her. How does one give that up for real life? Real struggles?

As far as I've been able to tell, the only needs I'm meeting are being arm candy, enjoying the same activities and taking care of health issues he's too embarrassed to show her. If I'm not meeting those anymore, I don't see how she'll have a problem meeting them.

Yes, I'm very very down right now, there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I just ended my marriage permanently.

He's called like 6 times since the email. #1 I spoke to him, #2 DS19 spoke to him, #3 DD8 spoke to him, 2 I ignored and the last was 6:30 and I was at work and he knows when I'm at work I can't take calls until my break. I didn't even see the call until I checked the time because my phone is on silent when I'm on the sales floor.

I have another question, though. I don't call, text or email him, or see him but he's a friend on FB. Can I post stuff that he can interpret as I miss him or am I supposed to be making him think I don't need him at all?

Holy carp! I just read my horoscope today...

Feel free to move forward with your plans, Taurus. This is a great day to take action. You've done a great deal of data collecting and analyzing lately. Now is the time to put that information to good use. You're helped by an extra boost of inner confidence and emotional strength. Your grounded, conservative approach will be richly rewarded. You couldn't ask for a more productive day!

There's been *tons* of days this year that were dead on for both WH and I...He's aries and I'm taurus. Just finding any kind of comfort is reassuring, you know?