I ABSOLUTELY love the little ideas of sending him some "gifts" and I love asking him for one of his shirts. He knows I ABSOLUTELY love his smell.

Trust me I'm trying my best to "TAKE CARE" of myself but I'm just being honsest, it isn't half as good as with my H.

I am very concerned and do understand about my thoughts of other attractive males and I am working on that. For now, I just tell myself "no you will not go down this road again". Then I send him an email telling him how much I love and miss him.

Little steps, right?

So I talked with Dr. Harley and he said we need to eliminate the issues that have allowed the affairs. So we will not be apart anymore. His job wants him to stay for another year and he told them, only if my wife can come.

Dr. Harley also told me not to go to they gym while my H is away even if my daughter is going with me.

Dr. Harley also told me to not have "affair" talk with my H when we talk on the phone to keep it positive.

We should try and work on POJA while he is away but start with small issues.

I recommend anyone who has the opportunity to call the Harleys, if you can't afford it send your question into the radio show.

They are wonderful.

Tough day, it's WH birthday today and he was having a tough day being away from his family.

I can't help but worry about someone else meeting his EN. Let's face it being apart is not good.

SF and affection are both of ours top needs. What do you do when you can't even try and fill them?

Just trying to keep going forward.

Ok I just got the cell bill and I checked WH and there's a number on there that has alot of text. I check the number and it's registered to a man but every time I try and call it anonymous the person won't answer.
This was right before he left the country and so when I check active calls there is nothing because his phone doesn't work in that country.
So do I ask him the number belongs too?

Also there were alot of video msg to one of his baby mamas right before he left also,
more then to me.

I don't know what to do. Am really struggling today.

Baby mama drama? Is it about her, or the kid? Think about that one a tad.

You could try calling the number from a pay phone... it would help you if you knew who it was. Maybe ease your mind.

Hi BH

I am certainly no expert here, and am in a fairly similiar position to you.

However, whilst I can give you no advice on how to rebuild your M, i can offer some help on self soothing when your having one of those chit days.

I would ask him who the number belongs to, after all it is all part of MB concepts to be open and honest.

If you are having one of those tough days, try and do something for you to feed your taker. You need to learn to self soothe as you are probably going to need to do a lot of this over the coming months to cope with the recovery. I tend to go for a run, a real stress buster, or book myself a pamper treat, it just helps take the edge of things.

I am following your thread and your doing great. Remember to look after yourself during this process.

Harmony.

It's always baby mama drama. He will say it's about the kids because that's all he ever says, but he lies.

His kids are teenagers and there really is no reason to talk to her but they always do.
I don't talk to my ex because he talka straight to my DD or we email about anything else.

I know, I know I can't expect him to do what I do.

Yes it would ease my mind to know who it is maybe I'll try the pay phone.

Thanks for the response.

Thanks Harmony so much for the advice.

I know my taker is on high.

I actually sent him a terrible Lovebuster email but I didn't send it to him.

I asked you guys instead.

Im going to workout need to burn these thoughts.

I t hought I was doing some real good taking care of me.

Im even enjoying my alone time alot.

I even had a friend say "you're not going to want him back".

I didn't like that.

So I called the number unblocked and it is a woman.
I think I may know who she is.

What do I do now?

Do I expose AGAIN? I'm going to at least let her husband know.

Can I go to Plan B while he is deployed?

I did send a major lovebuster email telling him I'm done and do not call or email me and to pay his own bills.

What do I do now?

So I could really use some direction please.

WH sister contacted me with news that his other sister is in the hospital fighting for her life.

He said why don't you go on that website (he's talking about marriage builders) and ask them if its right that I do this to him when he's thousands of miles away and his sister is fighting for her life.

So I messed up again huh?

Hi BrainHurts

Sorry I am a little confused here, what is your H refering to, when he says ask them if it is right to do this? Can you clarify what you mean here?>

He is obviously having some kind of dig but I am not sure what. COuld you expand.

Appart from that how are YOU doing? It is not nice when you have found a number of OW your H has been calling.

Hi Harmony,

He is saying with the situation he is in with his sister dying in the hospital and being 10k miles away from home is it good to be lovebusting and sending mean emails to him.

I'm doing ok and trying to work on my lovebusters and stay in a good plan A from afar. I actually will be flying to see him because they are flying him to the states to be with family because it isn't looking good for his sister.

So I will do the best plan A while we are together for a few days.

I just don't know if I'm doing the right things because I will do really good one day and then bam I throw a stupid DJ or AO over this mess.

Like Neak and Dr. Harley said "you have to do the best you can until you are back together to really work on the marriage"

He said the OW number was for work.

Just a question to make sure I'm on the right track.

When I finally see him this weekend. Do I mostly to a stellar Plan A with no relationship talk?

We will only have about 3 days together. Do I just make sure he leaves with "great thoughts" of our relationship?

thanks

Brainhurts

How you doing?

I am going to get some links out for you to have a read of which may help you on your journey.

If you are in Plan A, which I think you are, you really need to have a read of Pepperbands carrot and stick thread I will see if I can dig that out for you.

I think you should go this weekend, look marvellous and just enjoy his company. There are 2 parts to Plan A, they are both carrot and stick. Carrot is all the 'nice' stuff meeting his En's ect...but there is also a stick part which I was useless at but kind of got there after trying a few times. For example the stick is about communicating your boundaries, and letting them know you won't tolerate disrespect. One thing I was taught to say to my H, that did seem to have an affect, was to say something like this...

DH I will not remain in a M where are seeing OW, would you like a cookie?

Very simple but not always that easy.

Anyway, go this weekend enjoy his company, have fun and let the gas off any rship talk. Try and do some fun things, theatre/comedy show/bike ride whatever you know he likes doing with you.

I hope the vets come here and help you, I am sure JL might chime in if he has the time.

Let us know how it goes. I will see if I can dig out some good threads.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.

Thanks Harmony for the response.

I don't get much responses from the vets and so I feel like I'm floundering. I love when JL has time to share his wisdom.

So I have read Pep's Carrot and Stick and I was trying to do that and I thought we were making some head way then he was deployed. So when I talked to Dr. Harley he said to try POJA with little things over the phone until he returns.

So I was trying that and then bam we are hit with his sister.

Then I see the phone bill and see the number. I do not believe his story about that is about work. Maybe it started that way but not as many text and messages between the two.

I am going to go and look fab because I have been taking care of me why he has been gone so he is going to be loving it.

I am going to have "happy time" because it has been a very long time since we have seen each other last.

I'm rereading lovebusters and Joyce sent me another copy and so now I have two.

I just don't know how else to get more advice from the vets. I keep asking.

This is an example of when you should have used the stick. Let him know your boundaries. I agree it wasnt appropriate. That situation has passed now.

If you tend to avoid conflict, which people who have affairs tend to have the characteristic (appart from weak boundaires and morals) then you might find this bit difficult. What do ytou think?

Also, what are you doing to ensure you don't do any DJ's...?

The vets will come along and help you, so stick with it, they probably feel as though you are doing all the right things at the moment. You have to remember time and patience though all of this.

I will bump my first thread whilst I was in Plan A, I got a lot of support and advice from the vets aswell as some 2x4s. It was called FWW in need of help and hope, keep an eye out for it.

Some of the best advice I had was to keep working on ME, and make yourself into the best person you could possibly be, the best mother, worker, sister, daughter, friend ect... so that your H is amazed at the changes within you.

When is your H back from deplyment? I am sure with that and his sister it doesn't make anything easier.

Keep going.

I did tell him that I thought it was inappropriate to be sitting by the woman. I told him I didn't like it and he said they were on a plane and everyone just sat where ever and that he didn't know her blah,blah.

On the DJ's I'm going to take a deep breath and walk away when one comes to mind or say "hey love look at that cow out the window".

Will this work? I really think I have to try and not say anything when he pushes my buttons when we are together. I'm taking HNHN book with me on the trip.

Thanks Harmony I have actually read and followed both your threads and yes you were getting alot of excellent advice.

He is supposed to be back at the end of March from his deployment but they are talking about keeping him another year. He did tell them only if you can get my wife here and so they are looking into that.

Thanks for your support because as you know it is tough to keep going especially when you are away from each other.

I am working on me and making me a better and best me I can be.