I have one but after the post is filtered it would just say...

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Thanks all of you for the comments about exposing the OW at work.

It gives me a lot of food for thought...

@jmwc95

Thanks for giving me some perspective. I get what you are saying. I see so many people here who are enduring an ongoing A. All of you are angels, and the fight that you are in is demoralizing, and yet you hang on, I am in awe of you.

Perhaps the fact that he is remorseful and begging to stay gives me the option to be so F)(*%ing pissed off and angry, and to keep pushing him away. I keep telling myself that it would be easier if he just did like my dad and ran off and married her (wouldn't that be punishment enough? I know better than anyone that the answer to that would be a Hell Yeah!).

But I know in my heart I am "lucky" to have the luxury (and burden) of a choice at this point. That's something my mom never got. None of us kids got a vote.

I also appreciate the assurance that you gave that my marriage can be better. That is nice to imagine in some far off time. I am glad that I am among friends who are supportive of and believers in such "wishful thinking," or a better word: hope.

I will work on not letting this anger consume me.

I think the problem I may be facing now is this cloud of numbness. This must be self-preservation at work. It hurts too bad to love, to feel.

@jessitaylor, Daisy, Mitzie

Thanks for your words. I can tell you have sadly been right where I am now. I'm so glad you take the time for someone just going through the fire.

I also appreciate this sort of "try and see" kind of attitude. You are right that this marriage "deserves a shot." And perhaps I should stop putting so much pressure on making a decision at this point.

Perhaps if you've read my H's thread, you'll see where that pressure is coming from. You know, let's get over it, I'm different as of a month ago, and let's play happy families!

No, but seriously :), I want to believe he is trying, and I appreciate those who are helping him, and calling him out on the B.S. I am LOVING that.

Also having actionable steps to take and a support group is what we need.

To all who wondered, the NC letter was sent (which she replied to in under 5 minutes, btw!). Hello, no contact?

I know.

She's a genius.

What did he see in her again?

Ok, I realize you are all going to be mad as hell that he texted her the NC.

I'll let him do the explaining on that one since this is his mess.

Are you the type of person that holds grudges and doesn't let things go? If you are you need to work on that.

Not a bright one was she (responding to email)!

If (when) registered letter is sent, she might send you a postcard

I just want to point out that it is almost like another dday each time OW contacts seriously's WH...which just happened again today...

I can say for myself once my H tried to established NC with OW and I found out she texted and called him again (it only happened one day) I was enraged all over again!

Just a last comment on exposure, having thought more about it.
I think exposure is an incredibly powerful tool and should be used to kill the A.
I have no problem with exposure in the workplace either. In my own case I sent an email to OW telling her to back off WH and I copied 28 of her work colleagues with it. If anyone is interested, a copy of the email is here
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2136942&page=66
on page 66 within quotes of a post from Neak (thanks again, Neak, you were great!)
As a result of this email, life became very difficult for her, her boss who I know well made her life a misery and although he did not fire her, she left shortly afterwards. I exposed widely before that too.

I suspect that exposure in my case actually strenghtened OWs desire to stay with WH. As my sister says, her hatred of me is probably as much a motivator as her love of him. No matter, ultimately the choice was WHs. Exposure, along with the other elements of the MB plans create the optimal conditions for the WS to come back and commit to the M but in the end it remains his choice.

However, I do make a distinction between exposure to end the A and exposure for purely revenge purposes. My own personal recovery has been best since I extracted myself from the A, its sordid details and have focused on myself and my children.
In March 2009 I discovered details of their A that could be very destructive of their life but I don't expose them because I am out of that situation.

The only thing I would say to seriously is that she should behave in a way that she would like to see her own daughter behave should she find herself in this situation.
That means being strong, loving and kind, taking strong action to defend her family and marriage. But it also means refusing to allow herself to be abused by anyone, even her husband, for the sake of anyone, even her children.
What the ...? This guy needs to cop on.

Seriously,
What I meant by holding grudges is that eventually you have to let the anger go. EVENTUALLY. We have all known people who stay angry for years and years at another person, that is only self destructive behavior. The other person could care less if you're mad as h3ll at them and live their lives. That's all I meant.

One other thing to add to what TULLY said about the way we behave. We, as BS, are setting an example for our children they watch everything we do.

As we have learned in life, given the situations we on MB are in, there are no guarantees. Promises get broken, hearts get stomped on, families are torn apart. Sad, hurtful things happen. How we behave in such situations will impact them forever.

That's what'll get you through the tough times.

Hi seriously. I just want to assure you that us BSs have all been there with anger, numbness, pain, disgust, sadness. Of course you don't want to feel this way forever, and you won't.

Time and the proper recovery plan will heal your wounds.

You're only a month past DDay. It's ok. This is a process. Nobody expects you to be Wonder Woman overnight. Don't expect that for yourself, either.

It's ok to feel -- whatever that emotion is.

It's important that you acknowledge your feelings BUT don't act on them. Instead, act according to a proven recovery plan. And there's none better than the MB recovery plan.

I've learned that exposure is useful for many reasons, and not only to kill the A.

My H's A started and ended years ago yet my DDay was this year. Exposure was still necessary and beneficial for my kids, family and some friends.

Ok. Enough is enough. This tramp continues to show zero respect.

You can not write that letter to her superiors quickly enough. Send it ASAP.

tully, you have confused the concept of "revenge" with "justice." Exposure is not "vengeful," it is therapeutic, it is simply exposing truth, which is an act of justice. That helps everyone. Dr Harley says it is like chemotherapy to cancer. There is nothing moral or virtuous about covering up wrongdoing. Covering up the OW's wrongdoing to her employers, who have a need and right to know, is immoral. There is nothing helpful about protecting her from the consequences of her actions. Protecting wrongdoing is not in her best interest, her employers best interest or her next victim's best interest. I really don't understand how you can defend that position.

I don't care if its done out of "revenge;" the motivation is irrelevant and does not supercede the good it does.

Here is another quote of Dr Harley about this: "Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is."


I agree, which is why I am suggesting she act with honor and expose this affair. There is no honor, no virtue in aiding and abetting evil.

seriously, I am sorry for this debate about exposure on your thread, but you should know that Dr Harley very much does advocate exposure. In your situation, this OW is very brazen and I think it would help your situation.

seriously, at this point since your H still hasn't changed the number and OW is continuing to contact him, I would look very closely at FB exposing his OW, at the very least see if you can contact her parents/siblings to get their help.

My sister's WH's OW was single and VERY brazen and would not end contact. FB exposing her was the only way to get her to stop. It was a very effect tool in her case and I know it has worked for others here as well.

Thanks everybody. You are amazing.

I just wanted to express my appreciation for the words on anger.

As for holding onto grudges, it's definitely going to be a hard one. I was estranged from my dad for quite some time after he left, and when we finally started to have a relationship (it has never been as close as it used to be), he did a few things that really set me back emotionally.

These setbacks occurred in the early years of my marriage, and I would often find myself waking up in the middle of the night obsessing over them, angry, crying.

I finally forgave my father, not sure how, but I definitely have.

Now the slights roll of my back, and I can see him for the fallible human that he is. I feel sorry for him. I want him to be happy.

The problem for me is, I think forgiving dad had a lot to do with the empowerment of being in my own marriage, and realizing that I had the power to create my own family. He couldn't dictate my life, nor destroy it. And of course, my family wasn't going to be as messed up as the one I grew up in.

Perhaps I could forgive my dad because I didn't have to "live" with him every day. I still had a "fairy tale" of my own to look forward to, separate and apart from what he did.

Well, we all know that H is not the Knight in Shining Armor that I dreamed of. Had he differentiated himself on the adultery front, that might've been enough to keep me working through any other issue. But here we are.

One of the things that seems so insurmountable about my new reality is the whole day-to-day forgiveness angle. I know that I can intellectually, spiritually forgive.

I can see my H as human.

I also really and truly want him to be happy.

But I also know how hard it is was in the past for me to truly forgive... to be able to be around the person again without bitterness. It was a long road, it took me many years.

H and I have only been married 8 years. This seems like a ton of baggage to have for the next 4, 5, 6 decades.

I appreciate that the agony will lessen with time, work, understanding... but isn't this awful elephant just there? Won't the OW always be in my bed?

I want to be happily married, I just want what I can't have... which is for this to never have happened.

All the work we are doing now, talking so much, investigating each others' needs... I wanted to do this a year ago! Why did it take an A for him to want to work on this marriage?

I know, what's done is done. So how do I move on?

How do I change this core value of mine: that I will not be married to an adulterer? And why do I feel like a doormat if I stay? And why do all the movies have you kick Mr. Cheater to the curb, and then you become the strong, independent woman you were really meant to be, and find an even handsomer, "real" love of your life?

Anyway, that's where I'm at today (Fantasy land).

I appreciate those of you who are on my H's thread. Please ask the tough questions. And help keep us on the path. Because of your words, I have decided against separating myself when he comes back (though I may take a week's vacation from my life).

P.S. I appreciate the attempts at the primal scream. Perhaps we need an audio emoticon.

Seriously,

Right now you feel the way you do because your WH made a huge love bank withdrawal and now your love bank balance is in the red. You are no longer "in love" with him. Since you aren't "in love" with him, it is harder to move on and forgive him. However, if both of you stick to the plan and you let your husband start meeting your emotional needs again, if he avoids lovebusters, you can and probably will have such a positive balance in your love bank that you will be "in love" with him again. When you associate such positive strong feelings with your husband, it will be much easier to let go of the negative ones. You will associate your husband with feeling good, not pain. Once you feel that, if you haven't felt that way in a while before the affair and you have taken extraordinary precautions to keep another one from occurring, you might actually feel better about your marriage than you did before the affair. The reason it took you so long to forgive your father is because he never took responsibility for his actions, said he was sorry, and tried to make things right with you. Instead he furthered his mistakes. Your husband is not your father, and if he commits himself to the marriage and follows the MB program, I see very positive things for your marriage.

I know it sucks that it takes something like this to get people to work to have a happier marriage, but it is often the case.

The main thing that worked for me from the forgiveness point of view was thinking about all the ways I have screwed up in my life. My faith asks me to forgive so I felt I must, but that also meant that I would not put myself in harm's way ever again. If GO ever cheats again, he's gone from my life.

I too am fallible and was not the wife my DH deserved. We BOTH screwed up when it came to expressing our needs to one another. Does this excuse the A? No way! But looking at my DH working so hard to heal our marriage helped me forgive him.

I've thanked him for not putting me through the ILYBINILWY drama, and for making me feel like his first choice. I don't think I could have overcome that if he had, although I know alot of folks here who have.

I can now see the OW as a sad, pitiful creature who took the easy way out of her marriage and ruined her life instead of doing the hard work to heal it or making the decision to end it legally without hurting anyone else. I still don't ever want to see her again, but I don't hate her completely.

Thanks Jim and Trust Will Come.

I really appreciate your comments.

This is not for you SWS.

So, it's only a few more days until WH returns. I am stressed out. I asked him if he could stay away longer and he got angry. I said it out of meanness... but it is not inconsistent with my true feelings.

The truth is, he's going to come home and want to meet my EN, and want to talk constantly (he has no job to go to, so no reprieve), and I'm sorry for all those who wish their H would do this, but I just don't want to deal with him anymore. I feel like I'll be a crutch for his loss of job and loss of her.

I also feel like there's nothing to talk about. He cheated for nine months, and I can't take it. Period. I feel like it will annoy me when he starts trying to meet my needs. I'm annoyed that I am now getting flowers and gifts in the mail--they're all tainted with guilt and ulterior motives. How about flowers on my birthday when you weren't having sex with someone else?

He's already broken promises he made after D-day. I just feel like I'm going to be so super-sensitive to anything done wrong. That's not the person I want to be everyday... watching and waiting for more disappointment.

The funny thing is, maybe I'm rewriting history, but the more I look back at my "happy" marriage, the more I realize it wasn't. Read the quotes from "Why women leave men," and that's me in a nutshell.

He also is getting mad at me for not being like the other wives on here who wish their husbands would stop having an A, and those who are actively doing everything to make it work.

Sorry.

He gets mad at me for not reading scriptures and going to the gym.

He wants to be praised for sleeping on the floor instead of the bed they f%$^%ed in.

In fact, he wants admiration constantly, to the point I am thinking he may be one of those NPD people. He would often do things in the marriage and say (jokingly) "Praise me!" He would show me his torso several times a day to comment on once he started going to the gym. After any display of intimacy he would say "You love me???" Like a child. Not sexy, not manly.

8 years married! It was weird, why was he so needy? I guess I wasn't doing something/anything right. But could anyone have praised him/sexed him sufficiently?

But seriously :), how am I going to ever meet the top EN of admiration, and sexual fulfillment.

No desire to do so. I don't think he realizes how he f@#$%ed his way out of that...

For now I just hate him...

Perhaps this is too much negativity for MB.

What are NDP people?