I used to be a regular member of MB about 12 years ago when I learned my H was having an affair with a girl 12 years younger than him. I mention that b/c I find it ironic that its 12 years later and I'm wondering what life would've been like had I not fought for my marriage and let HER have HIM?

I fought for my marriage b/c I believed in the whole 'til death do us part' thing and I didn't want our children to grow up in a broken home as we had. At the time, our daughter was 7 and our son was 2... and I was scared of being alone. I also didn't want to loose 'my man' to another woman/girl... some pride there I suppose. We reconciled after H learned that the OW was actually cheating on him.

Now... 12 years later, we have separate bedrooms and live as roomates rather than husband & wife or lovers. There is no companionship, intimacy, affection, communication, recreation or anything else on a positive note to mention. Our children now 19 & 14, are acting out something terrible, in all sorts of ways.

I wonder how life would've been different had we not reconciled? I wonder if 12 years later, I would be involved with a man who actually loved me and showed it? I wonder if my kids would be in better shape and not in the trouble that they are in? Would it have been better to have been a single parent that 1/2 of a parental unit that has been constantly underminded, disregarded & disrespected? Would my kids respect me now had they not had that negative influence for the past 12 years? I also wonder what thier future relationships/marriages will be like? The marriage that they have witnessed is not NORMAL and I fear what affects it will have on thier families some day.

So... I am 40 years old... I am very ill and unable to work... my 14 y/o son is facing felony arson charges... he keeps getting into trouble at school... my daughter will not help out around the house like she should... she won't get a job... they don't listen to what I say... they fight like cats & dogs... they ALL cuss me off my feet... my husband even threatened to "black my eye" the other day. STRESS makes my illnesses worse... the doctors have repeatedly stated that I HAVE TO MINIMIZE THE STRESS IN MY LIFE but I feel as if my family is trying to drive me to my grave. I have no $$$, no place to go and no escape... I'm trapped in a marriage where I feel like a worthless old shoe that just gets kicked around by everyone!

So... I say this to you... for those who can recover thier marriage from an affair, I am so very happy for you. But to those that have any doubts, or those who astranged spouses will not follow through with MB tools or counseling, I say BEWARE & perhaps you should take a long hard HONEST look at things and maybe you can prevent your life from turning out like mine later down the road. Because had I known then what I know now... I would not have reconciled with my husband. I know now what they mean when people say that some couples and kids are better off if thier parents don't stay together.

My Christmas Wish is this... that no one ever feels the hopeless dispair and the trapped feeling that my life now consists of. So, here is my advice to you all:
"TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE"

Genie

Hello Genie. And I'm so sorry that you feel trapped in a loveless marriage.

Sounds like you and your H reconciled but never recovered.

Can you give us more details about which MB tools you've used and where you and your H stalled along the way?

Dear Genie,

What happened during these years that you got from being a regular MB member to the sad situation you are right now? No one should ever be in a loveless marriage. Is there any place you can still go - a friend's or a shelter? Just to get out to clear your head, away from a H who threatens you and make some plans that would help you and your family.

Genie, you are only 40. That still leaves a lot of living to be done. There must be a way to live it better than you have been.
Tell us more about what happened. did you follow MB principles? Was WH on board?
I have to say I am one of those who is immensely glad that my marriage is over. (is that a terrible thing to say on an MB site?)

Genie, I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time! I have to stress to you, though, that what your H said to you is domestic violence. A threat, even an implied threat, is abusive and is not ok.
It sounds like there might be a lot more going on than not following MB principals.
Sounds like you don't have support and you may need to rely on a shelter or other resource to get to a safe place where you can even have some peace to think through your options.
Have you looked into a shelter?

First to answer your questions...
* I do have family I could go stay with for a few days to clear my head & family members have even suggested it but there are 2 things that hold me back from doing that.
1. My H works nights & I can't leave my 14 y/o - b/c of the fighting w/ sister & his legal issues
2. This may sound VERY STRANGE to some but I am afraid to leave my dogs. My H & my son are often mean to them and would not care for them. Remarks have been made about getting rid of them of dropping them off somewhere. These dogs are REALLY my only source of love and companionship and I couldn't take them with me.
* Yes, I did follow MB techniques and I believe it is a wonderful source and tool for a marriage where BOTH parties are committed and WANT a better marriage.
* No, my H was never really on board with MB concepts / tools. He humored me for awhile & promised this or that but never participated or followed through.
- To Tully: No, I don't think it is terrible for you to say that you are one that feels glad that your marriage is over at all. I feel MB is here for everyone. Those who want to save a marriage and also for those who don't - either way MB provides excellent info & tools in which to learn & go on with life regardless as to which path we each may choose.

Not to make excuses for H but in my current state of emotion, perhaps I have shined somewhat of an ynfair light on him too. I feel we all can make mistakes, say things, do things... whatever but that doesn't necessarily make us a terrible person. He isn't all bad... I am unhappy with alot... most things but I will have to say that he is a very hard worker and has an absolute miserable job. I know it is quite frustrating to him to work the way he does and have all the pressure of makeing the $$$ on him and he can't even come home to a clean & peaceful house.

Wow. I'm sorry I missed this part earlier, Genie. The others are right. You need to connect with a local agency that can intervene and offer assistance, such as a women's shelter.

Here's the number to the National Domestic Violence hotline:
800-799-SAFE

The fighting between your children may be much more than 'sibling rivalry.' If you can't leave them alone because they would hurt each other, that is also domestic violence. Depending on the conflicts, both of your children could be charged with DV.
I am uncertain how anything would change in your situation without some significant consequences for everyone. For example, if your son in placed in detention for his felony charge, will your daughter suddenly start helping out around the house? Probably not. However, if she is kicked out for her abusive behavior, might she change? There is a better chance.
If you leave, you will change the dynamic significantly and it is a natural consequence for your family. You will be teaching them a very important life lesson: abuse people and a healthy person will leave you. Only unhealthy people will stay.
Genie, I know you have not asked for advice, but instead shared some. I am concerned and would like to just support you. Please let us know if you would like advice.

Also, I wanted to validate your concern about your dogs -- it is very common and some communities actually have support for pets when a woman leaves an abusive home.
I don't think I would be ok staying with anyone who is unkind to my dogs, even if it were Prince Charming!

Genie, even if you've shined an unfair light on your H, his abusive comments to you are unacceptable. Nobody is all good; nobody is all bad.

Nobody deserves abuse.

The great thing about the domestic abuse helpline and local organizations such as women's shelters is that they're in the business of helping women like you and have answers to your concerns about caring for your 14yo and your dogs. They have solutions to these real life issues. I strongly encourage you to call.

You are not trapped Genie. The situation may be difficult but you have the choice to leave. I know several women that had no money, job, training, etc. and still found the courage to get out of bad marriage. It is not an easy thing to do but it can be done. Life may/will be difficult but look at the alternative.

You need to end this like yesterday. There are a number of programs to help troubled teens. I realize you may be in ill health but you need to address this pronto and not be afraid to do it. You can legally put your daughter out of the house.