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My wife have an emotional/psysical affair that went on for about 7 weeks while we were separated. She is back home with me now and committed to our marriage with NC with OM. She admits to still loving the OM which I understand that feeling are what they are.
When there are these deep feelings of love that never had anything to taint them, do they ever really go away?
I am working diligently on meeting her EN to cause her to fall back in love with me. But we have responsibilities and real life to deal with. It will never be as free and easy as it was for them.
Last edited by pdc; 12/17/10 09:53 AM.
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When there are these deep feelings of love that never had anything to taint them, do they ever really go away? It's usually better to stick with one thread pdc. But as for this, trust me, there are plenty of things to "taint" the feelings that one experiences during an A. It was an A, after all, which by nature involves lots of lies and deceit. Yes, the feelings do go away. They are generally replaced by feelings of disgust and self-loathing once the wayward truly realizes the gravity of what they have done.
Me: BS/FWW: 48
BS/WH: 50
DS: 30, 27, 25
DD: 28
OC: 10
BH and I are raising my OC together.
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I am working diligently on meeting her EN to cause her to fall back in love with me. But we have responsibilities and real life to deal with. It will never be as free and easy as it was for them. Her feelings of luuuuuuurve were based on a fantasy, so when she sobers up they will fade. The love she feels for you should be just as intense if you do this right.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That's very encouraging to hear. This was a response I got from her regarding my insisting on zero contact, which she has agreed to. She has wanted to write him a letter of closure. "Yes, that is what I am saying. This will be an open wound until...3-4, 10 years, until I die, whatever; until I can put it to rest in my heart, whether you take "stock" in this "closure thing" or not. That is not to say that I will be in love with him until then, only that my heart cannot completely heal until I make peace with him - as would be the case with any person that I hurt so deeply. But that's not your problem, right?"
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pdc, here is the only "closure" letter you should tolerate. It should be written together and mailed by you: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.htmlMy advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That's very encouraging to hear. This was a response I got from her regarding my insisting on zero contact, which she has agreed to. She has wanted to write him a letter of closure. "Yes, that is what I am saying. This will be an open wound until...3-4, 10 years, until I die, whatever; until I can put it to rest in my heart, whether you take "stock" in this "closure thing" or not. That is not to say that I will be in love with him until then, only that my heart cannot completely heal until I make peace with him - as would be the case with any person that I hurt so deeply. But that's not your problem, right?" I'm confused. Is what you've quoted here what she said to you regarding a NC letter?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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This is a case where I actually walked in on them. She has not written a letter and I don't want her to.
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ahhhhh, now I remember. This is the case where the 18 year old boy was sent to prison..
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ahhhhh, now I remember. This is the case where the 18 year old boy was sent to prison.. Yes. Am I wrong to "prohibit" her writing a letter of closure?
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pdc, what I can tell you as a BW is that both the betrayed and wayward have a great deal of emotion after an A; however, if we act out of emotion, we do not heal properly and never truly heal.
MB provides a solid plan for how an A should end. It includes writing a NC letter to the OM.
If you and your WW aren't willing to follow the plan, then I'm afraid you may not heal properly.
FBW in recovery
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pdc, what I can tell you as a BW is that both the betrayed and wayward have a great deal of emotion after an A; however, if we act out of emotion, we do not heal properly and never truly heal.
MB provides a solid plan for how an A should end. It includes writing a NC letter to the OM.
If you and your WW aren't willing to follow the plan, then I'm afraid you may not heal properly. Not to be disrepectful but, that sounds like a religious dogma. Is Doctor H the infaillable word of God? Can there be no deviation from his plan without ill consequences? Now you may be right and I shouldn't stand in the way of this letter.
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Not to be disrepectful but, that sounds like a religious dogma. Is Doctor H the infaillable word of God? Of course not. But he has experience counseling and coaching thousands of people to successfully recover their marriages following an affair. Have you? (and I ask that in a non-antagonistic way) There is a reason why the MB plan includes a NC letter. It is to provide closure for the betrayed spouse. The only kind of closure that needs to take place. We can ask why you're hesitant, but your reasons are probably based on emotion. I know. I've been there. I get it. Much more productive to act according to a plan.
FBW in recovery
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Thank you Delta. Respectfully received.
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[
Not to be disrepectful but, that sounds like a religious dogma. Is Doctor H the infaillable word of God? Can there be no deviation from his plan without ill consequences? Pretty much. But there is a big difference between the professional expertise of a successful psychologist and the "infallible word of God." Those who add their own variations usually don't make it. If you are going to "deviate" I would suggest you consider the fact that your best thinking got you into this mess. Dr Harley on the other hand has saved thousands of marriages. You have, so far, almost ruined one. The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. But hey, you can take it or leave it. Its your marriage and you are the one who has to suffer, not us. WE saved our marriages. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Not to be disrepectful but, that sounds like a religious dogma. Is Doctor H the infaillable word of God? Can there be no deviation from his plan without ill consequences?
Now you may be right and I shouldn't stand in the way of this letter. The letter that your WW needs to send OM has already been given to you. See MelodyLane's post just a few posts back. This needs to be written by your wife with the final letter given to you, approved by you, and mailed by you. Don't let her muck it up with endearments, regrets toward OM, or any other wayward-distracted nonsense. Why are you reluctant to do what works? If it works, why do you care whose idea it is? (Totally disregarding the fact that the idea is coming from a man who has saved thousands of marriages, which is nothing to sneeze at, although it sounds like you are.)
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I'm listening Mel
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I'm listening Mel \ [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[pdc]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] Good man! Truly, our goal is to help you, not to persuade you to stick to some regiment just for the sake of sticking to a regiment. We really don't want to waste your time! We are on your side!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm not sneezing at it, there are some extenuating circumstances in this situation.
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I'm not sneezing at it, there are some extenuating circumstances in this situation. We can't help you through them if you don't tell us what they are.
FBW in recovery
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I'm not sneezing at it, there are some extenuating circumstances in this situation. Nope, I don't see a-one. Two people in an affair. Affair has to be killed dead. Letter needs to be written.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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