Affair is killed dead. The OM is in jail for 3 or 4 years. There is an order by the court that there can be no contact between them during that time. My wife is talking about writing a letter of closure 3 or 4 years down the road. That is what I'm objecting to.

That is what I thought. What kind of court order is it? Has she been criminally charged for this affair?

I'm still not seeing the 'extenuating circumstances' that would change your best course of action with a NC letter. (Not to be confused with a 'closure' letter, whatever that is.)

That is irrelevent.

So your saying an NC letter is still appropriate 3 or 4 years later?

If your WW still wants to send this guy a love letter in 3 or 4 years, then she's still wayward and you haven't truly recovered your marriage. Not a marriage I'd want to be in.

Why don't you just tell her this?

It really isn't irrelevant. If your wife could end up in jail because of this, that's going to have to be factored into your ability to recover your marriage.

And it is absolutely a horrible idea for your wife to write a "closure" letter 3 or 4 years down the line. That is just her desperate attempt to keep the OM in her life. I suspect that, if you manage to get her into recovery, once she is out of withdrawal, her desire to write that letter at all will quickly fade.

The NC letter isn't meant to provide "closure" for the lovers. It is meant to be a definitive end to the A and let the OP know that the wayward is committed to the M and no further contact (for life) will be tolerated.

I think there is something else here that you are not telling us that would change this thread entirely. Am I wrong?

When the court issues a directive of no contact between two people it is normally because it has been demonstrated that there was some type of negative collusion between them that was related to the offense that landed him in jail.

What is the real story on this, pdc?

That is fogbabble. Disregard that. Immediate NC letter is what we're talking about.

I think that my worries on this were ill-founded. She and I will be in totally different places in our hearts 3 or 4 years from now. We'll either be in love and it won't be a concern if not that then it would not matter anyway.

The reason for this thread was to discuss if the feelings of love between the adulterous couple ever goes away completely or whether it is always a ghost of a pleasant memory for the WS.

We sort of got sidetracked.

Right. But there's still the issue of the NC letter.

What did the court say about there being NC between them and why?

The reason for this thread was to discuss if the feelings of love between the adulterous couple ever goes away completely or whether it is always a ghost of a pleasant memory for the WS.

We sort of got sidetracked

We got sidetracked on important issues.

Regarding the feelings of love, they go away completely when wayward are out of the fog and see the A for what it really was. That may or may not happen. Depends on whether proper recovery takes place. That's why the action steps are so important.

If your wife slept with a minor, then her "feelings of love" are the least of your worries. Having sex with a child isn't about "love." It's illegal, immoral, and may suggest that your wife has much deeper issues than the run-of-the-mill wayward. And you seem to be sweeping this fact under the rug and pretending like it doesn't really matter.

I agree -- I am concerned that there is missing information and pdc may be getting unhelpful advice because posters don't really know what is going on.

We have many of the MB materials and are beginning a solid recovery plan. I just was looking for some insight into these lingering feelings.

There is nothing being swept under the rug just because every detail isn't revealed here. Also some of you have jumpeed to some conclusions that are not true, although that doesn't matter.

We simply can't help you without all the information. If you're going to withhold vital information, then I'm done.

What I think you don't understand, pdc, is that we've seen this movie before.

What happens is a betrayed spouse, for whatever reason, doesn't want to do a particular piece of work that is involved in recovery. MB's recovery plan is pretty specific. It's not a smorgasbord, where you pick what sounds palatable to you and disregard what doesn't.

There are rare occasions where we need to tailor our responses to a particular poster, usually when there is an overwhelming reason for why something shouldn't be done. For example, if there is imminent physical danger that can't be disputed. That's what we're looking for - you need to enlighten us if we're advising you without having full knowledge of your situation.

BTW, splitting into different threads doesn't mean we don't know your whole story, and we're advising you based on knowing your whole story. We're keeping you entirely on topic so relevant issues don't get neglected. We usually ask posters to keep it to one thread for ease of advising. Splitting off to a new thread shouldn't mean "I don't want to talk about anything else." Your best bet for recovery is to address all of your concerns in a cohesive way.

ok, pdc, this board is anonymous but the bottom line is that leaving out key details makes it very hard to help you. Everyone here senses that is the case.

And it is very relevant because on numerous occasions when we have suggested key things you have come back with cagey non-answers about why you can't do it. We obviously can't give you proper help if we don't understand the situation.

You don't have to give your names or state.