@totaldisbelief -

When you're doing this dark period, do have any withdrawal feelings?

Say more MB- I have been trying to show WS that the kids and I are carrying on with our normal activities, with her or without her. So far, it seems that this has caused her to want to be with us more. What is your thinking behind backing off on the pictures? I am open to suggestions.

CK- yes, definite withdrawal. It's all I can do not to call her, but when I'm having an "angry day", I'm a little afraid of what I might say to her. Trying to build the LB$ balance, avoiding LB's at all costs. I know I need to do it, but that doesn't make it easy.

I fear that you are 'weaning' her off her children. I think you are at a point where it is time to cut her out of the loop on these activities. Make her sit through a few evenings, knowing that you are involved in family activities, and show her nothing. It looks to me like those family pics are NOT causing her to want to be with you. I'm concerned that she is looking at them and comforting herself.

Showing her pics of the kids won't make her miss them. Not sending her info and simply carrying on will.

Point taken. Let's try it and see what happens.

So, WS breaks the darkness by emailing me today to ask about plans for the kids this weekend. I wait awhile to respond, and suggest that we go to lunch together today to discuss it. As I am sending my response, she calls me. She says, "Do you really want to get out in this weather?" (we have snow/sleet here today). I say, "It's not that bad, I'll pick you up." She says, "Well why do we need to discuss it?" I say, "We don't. I'm just inviting you to lunch. If you don't want to go, just say so."

(It's not so much that she acts like she doesn't want to do things with me, it's just that she acts like I am the last option- you know, if she has absolutely nothing else to do. This, of course, brings out my taker. Must keep the taker under control.)


She says, "No, we can go. What is wrong with you? Why have you been so short with me this week?" I say, "I haven't been short with you. I haven't even talked to you in three days." She says, "I know. What's wrong? Why haven't you been talking to me?"


So, is someone missing talking to their husband? Imagine that.
Looks like this darkness thing might just be working.

As usual, the advice of the veterans is correct. Besides, it's good practice for Plan B.

Now, must put my game face on for some good Plan A work during lunch. Must work the plan, regardless of the reaction (or non-reaction).

When you break it, it's not good practice for plan B. Plan B is no lunches, no communication until the affair is DONE. D-U-N.

I think what you are doing is testing to see if see is capable of taking the initiative to help recover your marriage?

Lunch went well. She invited me to go with her and DD18 Christmas shopping tomorrow night. She also let me know that she has begun seeing a counselor once a week at work. This is new. She became quite emotional when talking about it. I sense that she has major internal conflict. She managed to tell me that she cares about me, which is the best I can get from her right now. She asked me, "You do know that I care about you, don't you?" I replied, "Sometimes." She got a little emotional at that as well.

Back from lunch and WS is emailing me back and forth about the kids.

Something else she said at lunch- "I still struggle every day."

Withdrawal? Inner turmoil? Missing the kids?

I did ask her today if she had been in contact with OM. She said no, and chuckled, almost as if it was a preposterous question. I don't know how to explain it exactly- it wasn't like "how dare you ask that" but more like, "he's not talking to me, even if I wanted him to." I may be reading too much into it, I am prone to do that.

It sounds as if when you back off contact with your wife she becomes more interested in you and initiating contact with the kids. I worry that by being so accomodating and doing things with her so often, you are prolonging her "fog" by giving her enough contact to satify her current needs and make staying away from the family "ok" to her. She's not feeling totally cut off by living away from you and the kids.

I realize Plan B with kids involved is difficult.....but to me, she's not having to make any choices.....she's getting both worlds.

Folks he is in PLAN A NOT Plan B. When he gets himself into plan B, then I will ding him with the largest 2x4s EVA. Right now though, Total, you will need to keep DAILY contact with her. You know that old adage, "Out of sight, out of mind."

remember though, there is a STICK to Plan A as well. You need to let your WW know that this "friendship" arrangement isn't going to last. You are only interested in being friends with your WIFE. I know it is Christmas time, but have you given any thought into calling the Harleys and getting some one on one professional advice on what to do next?

HELP!- Just caught WS at lunch with OM. Had a nasty confrontation with OM, then a not so pleasant conversation with WS, followed by more nasty on the phone with OM. WS and I were supposed to finish up the Christmas shopping with DD18 tonight. I told her we need to have a serious talk beforehand, and she agreed. What do I do now? I know I am supposed to Plan A regardless of what she does, but I pretty well blew that today. The sight of them together was just too much to take. WS got between us and kept me away from him. I told him to take off, and he did. Then he calls me up and starts talking crap. I told him I would see him in court. He didn't like that too much. (He has an extensive criminal record.) He ranted and raved on the phone, I stayed pretty calm. The calmer I was, the madder he got. He says meet me some where. I say, no, I'm working, see you in court. He didn't really want to see me, since I own my own business and my name is on the door.

What should I do? Continue Plan A? Go to Plan B?

I need a pep talk pronto!

I would go to Plan B and file for D. Especially since you've already shaken the tree by suggesting it to OM. If nothing comes of this confrontation, it will confirm to them that you plan to do nothing but get pissed now and then.

You continue Plan A. You scared the CR@P outta that OM and that is AWESOME.

Have you expose this to everyone? Is OM married? Who did you expose to on his side of this equation?

OM is not married. He is a serial adulterer. No one to expose to on his side of the equation, and he doesn't care anyway. He is afraid of the legal system, and he is afraid of me kicking his a**. I almost did that today, but he is the type who would get me locked up. He has nothing to lose, and I have everything to lose. I did let him know that I will fight for my family. I also let WS know that we are not going to be buddies, that she is not going to enjoy a fantasy life with OM, that I will do everything in my power to keep him out of my kids' lives, and basically make their life hell.

I am unsure about continuing Plan A or going to Plan B. I am about to go meet with WS. We'll see how that goes.

See, in Plan A, you need to assume that there IS contact, otherwise, you would be in RECOVERY.

Every single day of my Plan A there WAS contact with WH and OW. They work together in a call center and sit SIDE BY SIDE. When I was at work on the weekends, he would either go to see her or call her on the phone(I had a VAR). It is BRUTAL to do plan A. You CAN do this. With a BH they are told to do a longer Plan A so it is more effective. Your WW needs to be "won" back. That is why I suggest a longer Plan A.

Does OM have FB? Have you contacted any of his family? Parents? Siblings? Anyone who may have influence over him?

Excellent illustration of part of the radio show yesterday involving another poster, and why actual Plan A (when the A is active) has a time limit, whereas sort of Plan A (no active A) has a longer limit (for women).

Kudos to those in Plan A!