I believe divorce is my only option. I could understand 1 revenge affair but 4 plus the verbal, emotional and physical abuse?

I can forgive him, but I do not want to put my happiness in the hands of this man any longer. His main objective has been to punish me and seek revenge for my affair, and I have suffered terribly. Suffered watching the man I love play sick games with me for nearly 2 years. I have been reduced to an anxious confused wreck. I can not believe anyone is capable of doing this to someone.

I am back in the luxury of a dark plan B, which is no chore. My intention is to get through Christmas and file for divorce in the new year.

Keep us posted

Two years of physical abuse is what I am hearing from your last post. At least thats the impression.

Its hard to know what is really going on. But I wish well for you and your H, and that you can have the best darn divorce that ever was, being able to both show how reasonable it is, and fair to all concerned.

It does seem a waste of time here doesn't it?

Thank God there are no children no?


Good luck, God bless Harmony and take some time off from Men ok?

and a

I will Constant.

I don't even know how to start to rebuild my life, I know it won't be overnight.

I feel totally broken.

Like JL always say, the best revenge is to make my life successful.

I would much rather someone involved in this conversation have pointed this out, but inasmuch as that is not going to happen and it is getting late, I feel I must.

Imagine an alcoholic announcing to his AA group that he fell off the wagon but that it Is really not so bad, because after all, he stuck to just Scotch. That is what I hear when you imply your A was not as bad because it was one relationship rather than three or four.

Also the time thing. It also doesn�t matter, at least once past an isolated ONS. If your A was 3 months you still had 90 days, 90 sunrises, where you woke up and said,�Yes, I�ll continue this�. What difference does another 100 days make, or another 300?

Betrayal is Betrayal. And you have been on the receiving end of nothing worse than �response in kind� for what you dealt. And so this is my point, my big point: You should not require remorse from him for his RAs. His ceasing and desisting should be enough.

People just don�t tend to apologize for retaliations in kind. They just don�t. You won�t get it. And if you really require it, you might as well D now. The most you�ll get is that it was an �unfortunate episode�.

People apologize for �escalations�, for starting an argument, or for throwing a punch in response to something said in an argument, or (here) to having an A because they were unhappy in their relationship. If you need remorse from him, you might sooner get it for the shabby way you were treated pre-A and here and there. And that might be more useful to you anyway than getting remorse for his RAs.

Good luck.

Already feel better being back in Plan B.

I feel protected. I know I really need to move on with my life and put him to the back of my mind as I start my new life without him.

I have put too much responsibility on him making me happy.

Thanks for your post about RA's bokonist. I get that.

I really feel as though I have tried everything I can to fight for my M. I do love him dearly, but I cannot fight for the M on my own any longer.

Part of me thinks, that I could continue to 'try' and break the walls. We did seem to make some good progress last week, he kissed me on the lips when he left Thursday, I could have tried to 'date' him. I think he wants me to beg for him back, and then he will let me in. Maybe I have got this all wrong and that is what I should be doing?

Anyway I am in PLan B now. I am off out for some Christmas Carol singing. I have left the front door locked he will go mad if he ever comes round and that is locked.

And, the flip side is also true.

When we make our spouse responsible for making us happy, our spouse is thereby also responsible when we are unhappy.

This mindset (thinking error) gives us the "right" to freeload our happiness/unhappiness. It's never our fault !


This is why many of us remain married in a bad situation.
We like having someone else be responsible for the outcome.

"It's not my fault"

Hiya pepper

I am glad to have you back.

Please help give me some guidance to go forward.

Dear Harmony,


Unfortunately, you haven't tried real Plan B. And that is perhaps why you feel like you have no power left for fighting. You've let him in and then kicked him out several times, making your own life miserable and you are understandably exhausted. This, too, takes time and energy... With such a Plan B like you've had since October you have given him all he needs - you and OW at the same time. And left yourself empty-handed and in LIMBO. This is no Plan B. Limbo cannot be controlled by you. This is exactly you have to protect yourself against.

I understand that you are feeling down because your dad passed away, but you have to stop letting your H in so he can make you unhappy over and over again.

Whatever you decide, mean it.

I don't mind helping.
But your dependency issues are pretty deep.
It's better for you if YOU start yourself off with your own ideas.
That way, you assume responsibility.

What makes you a good person whom you can admire & respect?
Figure it out, and do lots of that.

I am dealing with health issues, don't depend on me.

Ok I get your drift pepper.

I will sort myself out.

Decide my own responsibilities.

......but still pop in.

H been to the house whilst I was out. Left me a cheque for the 5000 pounds I lent him the beginning of Oct. The message on the envelope said, thanks for lending me the money I am very grateful, I love you always. H xxxx

My heart aches and is broken.

.....but I am not dependant......

Pepper - sorry to hear about your health issues hope all ok.

Extinction burst; don't let him draw you back out. Don't start the bad habit again, when you know that quitting the habit is better.

Harmony, read back over your own words for the last couple pages.

Your Plan B suck-diddely-ucks!

QUIT PEEKING OUT!

You aren't breaking his behavior, and you aren't helping yourself carrying on like this over and over.

You write it, you feel it, YOU KNOW IT.

Knock it off!

D-A-R-K.

Muddle over your decisions once you have stability and clarity. Quit feeding the dang dog, and he'll either do what he has to to come home, or he will quit sniffing around the dish.

Yes, he is going to get frantic and erratic, he is going to show up, call, leave notes... burn the damn notes.

Quit it. S-T-O-P.

Look at where you are! If you continue this, you are going to drain that bank to a point that even if he did change, it won't matter because he will have drained his LB$ account to a point of you hating him.

He could be the second coming of Jesus, and you won't care.

Or, is that your goal?

I am starting to think thats her goal, at least that is where she is gonna end up anyway, if she doesn't change her behavior. The behavior will determine the result, thats what is taught here, and the truth will come out eventually.

Our words are not wasted on this, or our time

Love your posts HHH!

I am so in dark as diddly umscious Plan B!

It is so true what you say, I go dark, he reaches out, I am nice to him, then he withdraws!!!!

Ok WHY?

Is it just to know I am still around??

Anyway I have had a day of being dark, so ofcourse he has beennice to me left me some love letter note with lots of kisses.

IF I did respond warmly then he would go cold what's that all about????

Ok first day of darkness. Love note from h, torn up and in the bin. Love not wS saying how grateful H was for money loan. Still decided to go wedding traditional for the eve xx