Its been about 6 weeks since I found a video (on his phone) of my husband having sex with our now ex friend and current neighbor. I stupidly tried to maintain the friendship between all of us for about a month after I found out (I had confronted them both immediately). After asking my husband to have no private contact, he has broken this twice. Once because the paramedics were in front of her house carrying someone out on a stretcher and he wanted to see if it was her. The other time she called him and he lied about it by first saying he called her to tell her no contact, then I found that it was she that called him just to chit chat. He called her later that same day to tell her no contact. I guess we need to send the NC letter.

He said that our marriage was perfect except he wasn�t getting the kind of sex he wanted. We slept together not even 12 hours before he had sex with her. He maintains that the was the first and only time they had sex although they had kissed once before (both apparently her moves�given her history I am inclined to believe that and she coroborates).

Anyway, I feel like I have no motivation for anything anymore. I am a SAHM and I am struggling through each day. My kids are 3 and 9 mos and I am just not a great mom right now. My husband wants to stay and wants to do whatever I need to make me fall in love with him again, but I feel very closed off. I realize I am extremely depressed and I feel like I get worse, rather than better, each day. How do you deal with the anger and depression? I feel it crushing me.

You are going to trigger every time you see her. Have you exposed them.

If she does not move then you will have to do this.

I have exposed them to our parents and to his sister and one of my friends. We cannot move right now because we just moved here in June (she suggested this place to us) and are on a year lease and my mom just moved (2 weeks ago) four doors down from us to be closer. We dont have any money to move at all. I haven't seen her anymore and make a point not to drive or walk past her house. I want to pressure her to move but I dont know how. I dont know who else to expose to.

Ro,
Sorry you are here. I know you are sort of self destructing being hit with infidelity because no one knows how to react to it when it hits them. The reality is you will be of no use to you and your kids if you keep sinking. Do you want to save your M? Do you want to model behavior your kids can respect? If the answers are yes then follow the advice at this site and read the articles. First you need to read up on exposure. Exposing the A will hurt the conditions that makes the A possible. Tell everyone that will help you end the conditions that makes the A possible. Read up on Plan A. You can search "Plan A" and "Exposure" at the search button at top.

I have read those articles and have exposed to everyone I can think of that would be relevant. My question was how to deal with the depression.

Harley recommends going to doctor and possibly getting medication. The first few months are the hardest in trying to recover a marriage. As long as the temptations is right next door you and your H are going to have triggers left and right. Have you exposed to your neighbors - you cn recruit them in helping you ensure the conditions are not there for your WH and OW to interact. Has you H done a no contact letter to OW?

G

Thank You G. I am trying to get into a dr. Meds are not an option becuase I am breastfeeding and not comfortable taking anything even if said to be safe. As of right now, my husband has no free time in which to interact with her. I am always home when he is home and we now shop for groceries in another town. The conditions that made this possible were primarily my own actions. They were friends and supposed to be at yoga when the PA happened. Obviously, they wont be spending any time together anymore so long as I am around. I would like her gone though. I feel bad fo ther kids though because they go to school in this neighborhood. There has been no NC letter yet, but I see clearly that that needs to happen.

No Ro, the conditions that make the A possible is proximity, media access. Is your WH onboard to end the affair - is he in withdrawal? Do you have access to all his passwords for phone and computer. Can you account for all his time when out of the house - has he helped in this effort? He needs to be brutually honest with you and give you total access.
By the way, it took my M the typical two years to recover. You will go through many phases as I did but the good people here helped me. You're in the right place.

Gg

I have all of his passwords and phone records. The only time he spends out of the house right now is at work. He calls me from work several times a day and I him. He also calls me from his work phone when he is on his way home. I check his phone daily and his sister also monitors his cell phone records since they are in her name. Am I missing something? I dont know if he is in withdrwal. It does not appear that way. He says he was never in love with her and still is not. Either he has become an extremely good liar or he is genuine in his efforts. He says he did not want to continue the affair. I found out about the sex on the same day that it happened.

Ro,
Have your WH do a no contact letter - this is very important for you and to the R of the M. Did you read the basic concepts?

G

Yes. My WH and I have also done the lovebusters questionairre and the EN one as well. We are both reading his needs her needs and i am going to buy a copy of surviving an affair. I'll have him write a NC letter when he gets home from work tonight.

Here are some letters BW wrote to Harley about WH and Harley's responses...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5032a_qa.html


G

Thank you, I have read all of those as well.

Part of the reason you could having a hard time with depression is that your "knower" is telling you this is a lie. I mean think about it. The FIRST and ONLY time they have sex, they FILM it? Uh, I don't think so. There's way more to this story than what you've been told.

If your WH (and he'll stay WH until he proves otherwise) is truly willing to do what it takes... then you need to start with complete honesty. I would suggest a requiring that he take a polygraph and then signing up for coaching with the coaching center here.

Good - glad to hear it. Your H is going to need to work on putting in place "extraordonairy precautions" to prevent conditions made A possible. Don't believe everything he tells you - he hasn't earned that right yet. I know it's difficult to hear but you have a WH who wants to R the M - that's half the battle. There are many who come here and have to work really hard at getting the WS onboard to saving their M. Pay attention to your diet - make sure you are eating well and taking care of yourself.

Princess is right - your WH reaction to the suggestion of a Polygraph will tell you alot. But please do not do this now if you are not mentally ready for his response. Take a few hours if needed. Tell your WH it is better for him to tell you the whole truth than slowly tearing at a wound over time with half truths.

G

Meggy,

I had the same reaction about the video. I cannot afford a polygraph test. How do you force someone to tell you the truth? How will I ever know the whole story? The only reason I have taken that as the truth thus far is because of his behavior that night. He got smashed to take our daughter trick or treating and wouldnt be close to me. The only reason I even looked at his phone that night was because he was throwing up in the bathroom and got a text.

Ah, yes, depression. We all know it well.

Keep in mind, you have been blindsided by this affair and it will take a while to work through it. You were lured to live near her. You were made aware of it. You know he most likely is not being truthful but want to believe cause he previously seemed loyal to your marriage. You live next to OW and feel trapped financially on leaving.
Get together with your mom and tell her you and she must plan to leave the area as soon as possible. Meanwhile get your footing.

Following plan A and eventually probably B will help you with your depression.

It will give your direction out of it.

It will test your courage and fortitude and you will meet the challenge.

That is the quickest way out.

Meanwhile, if you have a physician, see them and discuss this situation with them and get their input on if medication is possibly a support for you during this crisis period of life.

Ro,
What bothers me about your last post is he didn't just all of a sudden decide to have PA. He was in EA with OW for some time prior to PA. As I said earlier - he needs to tell you whole truth and let him know it will be much better for R than picking at your wound over time. Let you WH afford the poly - not your - why is everything on you - you make it seem like you had the A and not H - you are being passive to his behavior.

Gg

Thank you all for your advice. I have read everything but I am still drowning.

You are right G, I am being passive. I honestly dont know what else to do.

Like I said, I am a SAHM. I have no income but I run the finances. We have no wiggle room monetarily.

He says he took the first opportunity he got for the PA to begin. I am not sure at what point the "friendship" they had turned into an EA or if it was ever a friendship at all. Obviously the desire for a PA was there all along. I ignored it only becasue I have had several opposite sex friends and still do. The big difference is that I am not that close with them nor am I attracted to them in any way. I dont spend time alone with them. I know now that he cannot be friends with women. He may not have come on to her but he certainly did nothing to stop her. He was open to it. Wanted to show her how beautiful she was by videoing her.

I guess I put it all on myself because that it what I have always done. I have kids who I want to protect. They are too young to understand. I am being impatient because I want it fixed NOW. I am uncertain as the whether or not Plan B is neccesary. Arghh! I am so frustrated. I seriously just want to shut down. My kids have never watched so much TV in their life.