Please post the new plan B letter and let others help you tailor it.

Looking forward to it

Hi Harmony!

Just finished reading your post. You're holding up very well, good for you!

Please post your Plan B letter, as I have NO idea how to even start one. I am planning a Plan B Early next month and I don't have a clue what I should say in it.

It would be very helpful to see one, even in draft form.

Thanks Harmony, take care of yourself.

I really feel like I am done with this marriage. I believe there is too much damage for this to be repaired.

My H called me today as I sent him a text asking for my �5000 that I lent him. H then asked if I was being funny with him. I then confronted him and asked him what it was he wanted from me? I said that he clearly does not seem to want the marriage, so why can he not leave me be? He then bought up some silly story how he spoke to my cousin and that she had said to him that my family thought that he should leave me alone to move on. He then started to accuse me of bad mouthing him and only listening to what my family say. I am sure he just makes this stuff up just to distract from his own behaviour. I said to him that he has shown no remorse for his behaviour and affairs. He said that they had nothing to do with anything and that they never would have happened if it was for me. He then told me that he was going to go away for awhile to 'get his head straight'. I told him that if he wanted to go away this is what he should do, and if he went away that I was going to get on with my life for good. He then said he was only going to go away for a week!! I told him that he needed to leave me be, give me a cheque for my money and to not contact me unless he shows serious remorse for his behaviour and can show any serious commitment to the marriage.

He then freaked out saying he was only intending to go away for a week to have some on his own. I told him I he has had most of this year on his own and I have waited long enough. My intention was to move on and leVe me alone. He said fine.

I believe my H is one truly sick individual. I believe this is one long game of punishment and can find not one good reason to be married to him. I am appalled and don't even Wang to think that he has used me fir his own ego for the past week.

Sorry for the poor spelling I am on my phone. Do you know what? It even annoys me that I am here wasting energy talking about HIM. I think one day I will kick myself for wasting so much time on this weasel.

All he is doing is getting on with his life, doing what the frog he wants, hoping to keep me in line at the house.

Big I wish I had the guts to call the solicitors first thing Monday and get the divorce filed. How do you divorce someone you 'love'?

What the he'll is he doing? I believe I have given my power away to him. He knows how much I love him. He is so sick he is using me.

Sorry for the rant, but my family and friends quite rightly so will not listen to me anymore.

Its OK Harmony, time for some plan B action and counsel again from SH. Maybe a personal counsellor too.

Till you figure out these emotions that are triggering you anyway. Thats my advice from this perspective.

It will become visable with a little time if your wanting him to go has more to do with arguments, or a real knowledge that he does,t want to work on the marrige. I don't think he knows how.

Hello, angry taker! How was peeking out of Plan B? Ms taker, why can't you quiet down a while, and let Harmony be solid in her plans, rather than spinning her around and pushing her into walls?

She has her goals, she has her plan, but you, Ms Taker, keep fudging her up.

Amen to that!

Go back into Plan B, and get some perspective from a distance Harmony.

Good call HHH, thats the way it is too isn't it? Its also a perfect MB explanation of what is happening.

Goin to make eggnog for daughters xmas party, all youse guys, and for you in texas, Y'all, well everybody rumba!

Ok I have calmed down. Angry taker at play. Back in Plan B.

I just can't see anything worth fighting for. I am all out of fighting for this M.

Thanks guys, I just can't seem to get any of this right can I?

I can't cope with anymore and can't go into next year in the same situation. Everytime I speak to him he says his affairs are justified.

Am I getting something wrong here? Was it ok for him to do this?

I don't believe he wants this marriage, so why won't he leave me alone. Everyfew few days in Plan B HD tried to break it, when I let him in, then he disappears off again.

Reread that.

When he tries, you break. He runs off. He tries again, you break, he runs off.

Seeing the pattern?

It's not Plan B. I can't event think of a witty remark... Plan RD? (Revolving Door)

Solid, dark, GTFO plan B.

Look at what this wishy-washy plan B is doing to you! All the while, it enables him to keep acting like a walking turd.

For sure, thanks HHH.

I think I broke Plan B under extreme circumstances.

Plan B was my sanctuary before and I need to go back.

Ok tomorrow is a new day and Plan B is the way forward.

I am fully prepared for the Plan B. Although he has still not picked up the rest of his stuff and all of his mail still comes to the house. He uses his mail as an exscuse to come by.

Of course you did. And I think considering you said him not supporting you at that time would have added further resentment to your situation, I don't think it was all wrong.

However, you should have planned go go from using that support, right back into a pitch-black Plan B.

Every time you peek out, you are allowing further large LB$ withdrawals.

Don't do that to yourself, quit sabotaging your goal!


Homework; do a google search for "extinction burst."

Short portion from wikipedia:

I get you HHH. Thanks for the explanation. H hated Plan B and his behaviour started to escalate. I could have seen it having some success if I had left it another couple of weeks. He was starting to get very frantic and erratic. Which is how 'extinction burst' is explained.

Thank god for this place to keep me in check.

It's not just him going through extinction bursts, Harmony... you keep doing it, too. Extinction burst is what is causing you to keep popping out of Plan B, even though it really isn't in your best interest.

You really have to stop running such a crappy Plan B, gal.

It doesn't help when you are rewarded with good behavior from WH when you peek out, that just feeds your need to break it.

Conversely, when his LB$ behavior continues, it makes you pop right back in.

What happens is those little deposits aren't outweighing the withdrawals. If you keep it up, rather than restoring your M, you are going to grow to hate him, and it's beginning to show.

If he keeps pushing, it's showing that whatever sort of Plan A you put forth before you moved to Plan B had some results. He's chasing the reward he feels from being with you.

Your goal is to shape the behavior that allows him that reward, and that behavior is NC for life with the OW(s), as well as your other conditions for reconciliation.

When you allow him to pull you out of Plan B, and those interactions lead to these arguments (huge withdrawals in both directions) you are reducing that behavior - in his wayward mind, it's "well, if all she is going to do is yell at me, why try?" This is in addition to the impact it has on you.

Continually breaking Plan B is not in the interest of your goals!

I didn't look up 'extinction burst' , but if you are talking about in the beginning, with "frantic and erratic", when he almost seemed violent and threatening, WH has come a long way since then I believe. I see some improvement in him, even if you don't yet.

HHH is absolutly right Harmony, and again it is understood and probably very healthy in the long run that plan B was broke when your Dad was passing, but now its back to the plan, and examining everything, one peice at a time.

In order for y6ourself to have peace that this marrige is over, you must have peace with yourself when you make your decisions, and not just when you are hurt and angry. Granted staying hurt and angry may seem wise for self protection, but it isn't nessesary in a good plan B where you are isolated from the pain.
Make a plan of protection from a place of protection and follow it. If that plan includes a time period where WH can make a decsion then good, you will have given him time alone to see what it is like without you, and decide.

Plan B is not just a way to get him to want you, its a way for you to not need him to also. Its a way to stop the misguided drama and triggers effecting both of you, and learn what you are both doing wrong. Its a chance to save the marriage without doing each other more damage. To stop the already damaging dynamic that is causing the pain and problems, and work on what is nessesary for healing and moving forward.

If neither of you can see that, then you are doomed to have the same problems in the next relationship, just manifested in a different way. If you are really cursed, you will try to fix the next one based on what had to be fixed in this one.

Do a plan B, and open your mind beyond what he is doing wrong, and just work on what you might be doing, for a while anyway. Its the least you can do for marriages sake, and you will not regret doing it, but you will not giving it a chance.

At the moment I feel so stupid. He is moving on building a life without me and has been doing so. Because of the situation with my Dad and what's been happening I have put my life on hold. Vnow I feel as though I have nothing going on and have a life with a blank sheet of paper and nothing left in it.

I don't know where to start I feel as though all the hard work I have done is broken.

He has just used me once again and now I have to go through the holiday season a mess.

Here I am in this big house all alone.

Where do I start? 35 and single with nothing. I feel that all H is doing is using me and will dump me as soon as someone else comes along. I need to climb out of this pit of despair.

I use to be so happy and full of life and what am I now?

I don't think u should go to plan b I think u should just file a D, ur wh does not thi k ur seriouse you'll go to plan b for another month then brreak it once again. Why don't u get this over with and divorce him and maybe if he wants to reconcile he can date u first. But this thread is making me because hoe many times u broke plan b.

Start this year fresh I mean REAL FRESH

I would take the day tomorrow and decide exactly what you want.

Try not to be foolish and take back a cheater only to see him leave again and cheat again.

Try not to be like your girlfriend who got herself instantly pregnant without any decent marriage/father available to support the baby.

Try not to keep calling him or responding to him, it has become a game now, not a real marriage.

Try not to be afraid of the unknown.

Try not to put up with a man who you cannot count on

Maybe go toward divorce. That other poster reminded me that you can always date each other after the divorce is over. If you want to put up with his crap again, you could date him then.

A relationship of any kind as short as yours should not be littered with pain, cheating, lying and not loving each other. This should not be this way. You should not have to teach him how to love a woman. You should not have to battle back to get him back. You should not have this pain, struggle, and in limbo feeling.

Do you think he will change into the man you want him to be? Get a divorce and find out. Right now he is not marriage material but he is "divorce material"> Later, many years from now he may or may not turn into "marriage material".

He is not good marriage material now, as he is now.