Because it bears repeating:


And:






!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ad infinitum...

Okay, I didn't know where else to write this and since I am angry about it, I figured this was the best place. Unfortunately, I am not going to be able to read any of the responses this may create until sometime tomorrow afternoon/evening.

I have seen posters on here who are vets and long time posters say some things that have driven me NUTTY.

What it is about is Plan B. I have read SAA, HNHN and almost everything written on this website. I BELIEVE in MB and DrH.

What drives me nutty is when people start talking about how easy it is to go to Plan B. How even though the BS is in Plan B they won't be harmed by seeing the WS at football games. How Plan B is only for personal recovery and too bad your marriage is not going to be saved by going into Plan B.

Then, we get the argument that a WW is not going to come back. There is a greater chance that a WH will come back.

Okay, let me tell it the way I see it. I see DrH telling BW to be in Plan A for 3-4 weeks and then moving onto Plan B. Does that mean that DrH thinks that there is no way that their marriage can be saved? Not from what I have read. DrH suggests this because the emotional toll that an active affair takes on a BS is tremendous and a lot of BWs wind up with PTSD and worse from dealing with it for a longer period of time.

Also, why not talk about one of the reasons for Plan B, out lasting the affair. MOST affairs(according to DrH) end within 2 years of exposure. The stats for affairs being longlasting are documented to be quite low(3%?). Removing the BS from the equation, especially in the case of a cake-eating spouse actually, as I understand, puts increased pressure on the affair as the OP now needs to meet all of the WSs ENs and the fog tends to lighten.

I understand that there are risks in going into PLan B, BUT I see more benefits from it then negatives. A DARK Plan B should most definitely be preceded by a spectacular Plan A(both carrot and stick).

OAN, I have been in Plan B for almost 10 months. I have grown a lot in that time and I have come to a time where I feel some peace. I am NOT ready to say that my marriage is over, yet. That time may come. But, for now, I am going to keep as dark as possible to ensure the best possible outcome for ME. Staying DARK keeps my emotions better in check and I am able to think more clearly. If I had done a half-azzed Plan B or allowed more "casual" contact, I don't believe that I would have been able to get to where I am today.

Scotty, I think you're a Plan B superstar. I think your understanding of it is spot-on, as well, and your thread will be referred to on here for years to come.

You've set a great example for your family and those here.

Agree totally with you scotty. Plan B is the best way to seerate yourself from pain and also to let WS see if they have issues, its thier problem.

So many people blame thier spouse for thier unhappiness and then the OW or other or OM come along and they buy a fantasy. Really they just don't want to look at themselves.

Plan B and a dark one is the best way to separate them from you so they have a chance to see themselves. Its really an act of love towards them because they have thier head up thier &&*(.

I think you are doing great and an example to many. Truth is you are growing and he has head in sand. Keep insisting on a good marriage or none at all scotty.


Plan B definaty does NOT mean the marriage is over and all you can do is personnaly recover. These people are still looking at the sin, not the sinner. We all screw up in some way. Do we have to learn from our foolish mistakes? Do we require forgiveness for restoration after taking accoutabilty for the stupid things we do?

All we can ask for is true remorse and a heart that is willing to change from our WS. Plan B is giving them the chance for that. If they don't recover themselves then its thier loss. We are just not going to hide from truth or live in a relationship that does. Thats Plan B. If they ever see it.

ya know, reading this thread is depressing because so many of your rants are about me! Barbiecat, its ok to talk on your cell phone in the ladies room as long as you don't flush!

My rant is speed traps! We have them all over my town.

My rant is my ex telling me he's "so happy I finally found somebody and am finally happy". I wanted to strangle the s$ith#ad. I got that last week. And another gem: "I am so happy you found somebody who could love you like you deserve."

My answer was "yea, I sure deserved happiness, love, and honesty didn't I? I deserve every bit of all of that now and a thousand times over."

I also said "Our wedding pics are truly amazing. I showed them to X (his present w who is divorcing him) and she said they were the best she'd ever seen."

And yes, I did enjoy that. I even facebook'd em. He he. After posting the pics it lit up like a christmas tree with responses. Lovin' it;. Why is it I still enjoy revenge like that? Oh well.

Because while the M might end, the relationship doesn't. It never ends. Never. The only question is what form it takes.

It's folly to think otherwise.

I'm not telling you this. I'm telling me this.

I just wanted to take a brief moment to rant about something...

I just don't get why is it that, whenever I hear of a married person in a legal separation dating someone and I point out that they shouldn't be dating because they are MARRIED, the usual response is: "well, he (or she) is legally separated."

I then say, "They should get a divorce first before they date." At this point I usually get a blank look before they quickly change the subject or walk away.

I'm not sure why I even bother because apparently I'm the only one who views it this way? I'm curious to know other MBers' take on this...

Yep....if you're married you're married. If you're divorced you're not. If you're separated....you're still married.

However, the only reason I "get that" is because that is what I was always taught AND I have been here for a little while. If someone goes out with a separated guy, marries him, and then finds out 5 years later that it was wrong.......then maybe they should get just an itsy bit of slack.

Ditto what Luri said....

You are not the only one who views it that way. I have been seperated for 2 yrs and 5 months and people are always saying things like "Why don't you date, he does?" or "You would feel so much better if you could just find someone to love" or "why don'yt you let me set you up with...." and the list goes on. and I don't get it. When I yell them I can't i'm married their typical response is "So, he's doing it" That drives me nuts!!!! So what if he's doing it. Two wrongs don't make a right.

DIL4L, I get that too and have been since pretty much Day 1 and it's been 10 months since WH left.

I believe that for me, you don't date when you are married, I wouldn't however, stop talking to someone who is dating while separated. I do feel like it crosses the line but if they were having an affair on someone who was unaware and was living as a married couple, I would not talk to them, after I told them how wrong it was of course.

My sister started dating her boyfriend while she was separated, after her EXH left her for OW and moved across the country. My BIL is still legally married, and dating someone, although my SIL moved in with her OM 5 years ago.

I wouldn't actually do it myself and if they had asked me, I would have told them to D first.

I think it is part of the new selfish culture that has been created. Everyone is worried about how to make THEMSELVES happy and not worry about others. There are still a few people who care about others, but it's not a lot.

Yeah, to me when your married it is a commitment to the world and before God. If I am seperated, and date while still married, its like my word and commitments mean nothing. What they are doing has nothing to do with what I do with myself, I don't have to sink to that point. I do think it would be sinking too.

It shows that the marriage really meant nothing to me in the first place. Which might have something to do with the separation.

If you wanna date someone be single or divorced first, have some guts and character.

Or the other end of the spectrum, I am D but not ready to date (if ever). All I hear is "you will meet someone new"; "you need someone to help you pay bills"; "jump back on that horse" and the list goes on. Thank you I am not interested in looking for my next prince frog.

Why does everyone think that the cure for a divorce is another man.

I got a dog.

Dogs are great, at least their sh$*@ stays in one place, and they don't fling it at you like a wayward.

Totally agree about the dating while separated thing.

I have browsed an internet dating site just to see what it was all about. I was absoluted galled by the number of women whe were actively looking for partners, but listed their status as "separated".

So they are basically out trolling the internet and advertising to the world that they are actively seeking adultery partners.

I just don't get it!

You date when you are ready. In our case, as BS we are hurt and trusting is a big issue.
It is also important to know what kind of R you want with a man. If it is only sex, then call it sex not a R.
If it is a serious more involved R, then that takes time.
No, another man is not the solution nor is a dog, IMO.
I prefer people to dogs. But respect dog lovers.
blessing

Rant on: The recent indiscriminate and insincere use of the words "heartfelt" and "heartfully". The host on the sing off show introduces a song as a group's "heartfelt presentation of a Christmas song." A newspaper article is titled "A Heartfelt Gift to You" and then discusses people's opinions. A letter to the editor of our local paper gives a "heartfelt" thank you letter. And a year ago, the OW sent me an email (that her husband forced her to write) that said she was "heartfully sorry" (as if she really has a heart). OK, so it is really that last one that has me ranting - but has this word really been so overused or am I just noticing it? Rant off.

AM

Thanks for the laugh AM. This is what popped in my head when I read your rant.
If she only had a brain, or a heart or courage....
Obviously she has none of them.