Feeling very down about my H and M at the moment.

Fed up of being alone and would like to have someone in my life to share it with.

I read my old thread of how my H treated me, and quite frankly I am surprised that I am still waiting it out.

I really don't know what I am doing and really am thinking why am I bothering?

When we had chats over the last week, H would not take any responsibility for the M, and continued to list off my failings.

I am loving Plan B and am going to enjoy myself.

Oh interestingly I had a session with SH yesterday, not really sure what to make of it. SH advice was that I should continue to date H and that I should try in a non demanding way to get him to agree to a plan to rebuild the marriage.

Not looking forward to Christmas day, I am with ALL couples, even my nephew whose 20 is there with his GF, and I will be turning up saddo singleton 'Bridget Jones' at 35.

You gotta laugh. Meanwhile my H thinks he is single. Too much.

I am still making plans and getting on.

I am starting to realise and understand where my H is. This is all about him taking back control. He believes pre A that I was the one in control and he made more effort with my family than his, so he is going to spend time doing what he wants to do. I do believe this is still some kind of punishment, you wanted me to be like this, I will be and I will do it alone. This is about him doing what he wants to do, and that if I truly love him that he is worth waiting for and in the meantime he will go out and enjoy himself.

This is the closest I have felt like to walking way for good. In a rational and calm frame of mind. The thing is I know if I make that decision I will have peace that I tried everything, whereas he will never have that.

I have been trying to save my 3 1/2 year M for the last 18 months, we have been unhappily married longer than we have happily married. I really feel like I need to get away and have some time away change of scenery ect...

Very tempted to sit down with H and say;

I love you but I can't try any longer, I am exhausted. I cannot remain married to someone who we continue to leaded separate lives for nearly a year. I had the A I take responsibility but I just cann;t do this any longer.

Oh Harmony,

I was reading your old thread also and you have put up with alot, you both have.

Why don't you want to take Steve H's advice on the dating?

I have not read anywhere here, a BH/WH acting out in this way in response to an A.

In addition, the punishment is still ongoing. He must be more exhausted than I am doing all this punishment work!

Because I am not sure I want to right now! I think I am partly scared off rejection it gets tiring after 1 year, and because it has to come from within, I am hoping a good nights sleep I might feel better about it in the morn!

Yes my A set him off in a BIG WAY, 4 RA's and blatant cheating in front of me whilst we were living together for at least 6 months. My behaviour was just as bad ofcourse, sometime i forget that

This is not going to help you. Nothing you can SAY TO A WS IS GOING TO FORCE THEM OUT OF IT.

He WILL hear your actions, tho.

He is going to have to decide if, when and how by himself
There have been a few RA's, but I do not know anyone who has had 4 in such a short time.

Hi MB Friends

Still in Plan B Dark, in between the waves of grief for my father and H I feel I am fairing up pretty well.

H been to the house today whilst I was out and left me a parcel of presents for me.

Confused?

He is going away skiing NY, dont want to be mean but I hope he breaks a leg. Ouch.

Really feeling some calmness going on in my head. The main thing I have learnt here is to make my own decisions, as they are pretty good ones, if they come from a calm and rational thought out place. That I don't really need anyone else's opinion with the change in boundaries, morals, perspective and growth I have learnt here.

OK this is the score this is where I believe my H is.

I had the A, and he was badly hurt by that, he did not know how to handle it so went on a path of self destruction, involving booze, other women and boys holidays. Actually probably started enjoying it, he could do what he liked when he liked, still had me at home and used my affair as justification for his actions. The 6 week Dark Plan B I went through, was him starting to come out of the fog a little, gently started to make him realise how strong his feelings are for me, confusing him. I now believe that although he is still upset about my A, and I think he gets my remorse and understands why I did what I did and all the things I have learnt from it and that I would never do it again. I believe this is more about his actions now and that coming home to me, is scary for him as he is worried about facing upto the way he has treated me and me getting angry at him. He has also gotten use to the 'single lifestyle'. I also think he had this NY trip planned for awhile and that he knows deep down it is the wrong thing to do, which is why he keeps talking about us sitting down in the NY to sort things out as in his mind he can go away, be single and have fun, as we have not made any commitment to each other and technically he is still 'single'. That way he gets to go away have fun, and then me be sat at home with open arms when he gets back. Happy days?

This is where I am at. I am in Dark Plan B. Unless I see serious action on my H part to rebuild this M. I mean actions, not words. Meanwhile I will try to be the best woman I can possibly be, planting the seeds of forgiveness.

Harmony,
I think what you say might be right, maybe not, I would ask you how do you think he would act if he thought you had a life outside of him, I love the story on the forums about the woman that got all decked out, looking her best, heels and all when she saw her wayward husband, let him think she had a life and maybe a new interest and then she went to the library and read.......what happens if you had him guessing, right now he knows you are at home remorseful, maybe if he thought you can't just sit around and wait for him to come around.......and that Harmony is also in need of companionship and some fun outings...............what do you think he would do, do you think he would think good for her, maybe he will really have to think about losing you for good........just a question ..........I dont' mean to really have a new man, just the illusion of one............
just to see how he reacts........
interesting question.............

I really hope for you that he comes around. I think you may be right about his motives, but he is a wayward. He could 180 at alny time.

Keep the quiet in your life. It is your best friend.

This is not Plan B. You remove yourself from any contact with WS.

What are you doing for yourself? What new activities are you planning after the Holidays? What things would you like to change about yourself?

When am I going to hear about a "Fun Harmony Day"? What happened to this?

Hiya Clark

I have put the parcel in the shed, I can't stop him coming to the house, but he can't get in.

Very tempted to open though.

Have lots of nice things planned for the hols. Christmas eve mulled wine and midnight mass with girls, Christmas day with my wonderful big family, boxing day tug of war. Then next week I am going upto London to see GFs. I would like to get a ski trip in, fingers crossed. So doing well.

I do believe that H will want up reconcile at some point, I am really concerned I would be doing the right thing.

I know my A was a form of abuse, but his treatment has been very cruel and he has wanted to see me suffer. I really unsure about what terms to reconcile and want to be prepared if we ever get uo that stage.

One part of thinks him being commuted to the marriage and stop seeing other women is enough. What about remorse? What about IC for his abusive behaviour? Or do I work on the last 2 as part of the program?

Happy holidays all.

Focus, Harmony. Focus on maintaining Plan B.

Look at your posts; one day you hate him and say it's over, the next you love him and all you want is him back.


Breathe! Focus! LIVE!

You don't have to make any choices when you don't even know what you want. You DO have to maintain Plan B enough to figure it out first.

Is he demonstrating that he can have a full life, happy without you? Maybe so.

You should really be doing the same.

Part of this isn't just convincing the other, it's about convincing YOURSELF.


Knowing that if it was what I decided, that I could walk away tomorrow, and be healthy, happy, and successful - and knowing that every morning I wake up that I choose to be in this marriage - is what gets me by.

Not worrying about trust, not worrying about forgiveness, not worrying about resentment. Those things can only be handled with time and action, and submitting to that fact allows me to carry those stones, rather than drag them behind my ankles.

It ain't all sunshine and roses, that would be an unrealistic expectation.

Just last night I unexpectedly fell into a deep dark hole. My plan is to hunt down the little pygmy that dug it, wrap it in a burlap sack, and chuck it down a big, steep hill.

Even with a FWW doing everything right, it is still hard, it still suck-diddely-ucks.

Stay strong, and have a merry Christmas.

Hi HHH

This is a very good point that I need to be able to convince myself that I can live a happy healthy life without him, and I am almost there.

I do think that I am probably more needy for him because of my Dad recently passing away.

I do also think my H has grown a little in my time spent with him last week. He seems to be gaining some different perspective on situations and having time on his own.

H turned up at house banging on door, I hid upstairs in the bathroom. He was shouting I only want to be friends with you and you can't stop me having access, one minute you want to have contact now this. After 20 mins he left.

I am feeling guilty about being in Plan B.

I did not talk to him, but it was tough.

Plan B it must be working on him, he will get worse before he learns to behave. Be prepared and stay on course.

Best wishes

Thanks Xau.

I am feeling very guilty about Plan B, also worried that it is a major love buster.

I am scared that because I let him in to support me with my Dad passing away and now he thinks I don't know what I want.

I am frightened that I maybe should have listened to SH advice and asked him to date me.

I have told him that I love him and want to repair the M, but unless he is commited to leave me alone.

This is so word. Word of advice, never ever commit adultery.

Feeling very disillusioned.

Please tell me Plan B is the right thing to do.

It's the right thing to do.

For both of you.

It isn't fair to you to peek out, it also isn't fair to him.

It interrupts the process for both of you.

You have started Plan B stick to it.

You will feel better as time passes and will get more control of your own feelings and daily events.

Hang in there, focus on having a great Christmas with your family and friends. Keep away from WH and stay on course.

Thanks Guys

Ofcourse will stick to the plan, just bit worried about SH advice.

I have clearly communicated to H, that he is only to contact me if he is serious about commiting to the M.

I am enjoying PLan B, I feel a whole lot better and am really going to use this time to enjoy being me and spend time with family and friends.

I am really going to try and stop thinking about H, and in way I am thinking of taking a break from the MB site as coming here posting means that I am still thinking of him. I need to give my brain a rest and stop obsessing about the situation.

I will only come here and post of I have any temptation to break the Plan B.

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas, and want to thank you all for getting me back on my feet, so I can actually be on my own without crumbling.

I now need to actually ENJOY my life without him, rather than just getting by.

Happy Holidays MB Friends.