She made it known by chatting with you friendly like, by sitting by you when you asked (believe me if she wasn't interested she would have easily avoided that).


Not necessarily....if you have a way to reach her outside of church I would do that...she might prefer to be asked out in private...if you can't reach her except by seeing her in church then by all means the next time you see her say, "Would you like to go for coffee after services tonight?"

She will either say yes, which will tell you that she IS interested...or she will say no. If she says no, you still have to determine if she really has something else to do or if she isn't interested.

One step at a time.

You are doing fine.

Did you know I got married?

Coffee after church for sure. You're not asking for or committing to an extended period of time such as a dinner and movie. It's innocent but it let's her know you want to get to know her a little better. A great place to have coffe is a Barne's and Noble. If you have a topic you're both interested in you can explore the books. Great way to break the ice.

You know, I did read that. Kinda caught the entire MB communiy off guard, as I recall.

Congratulations! I hope this is the marriage you (and the rest of us) have hoped for!

And thank you for your suggestion. I currently do not have a way to reach her outside church, so I'll just have to find a way to speak with her next Sunday.

Thanks, everyone. It would seem the overwhelming consensus here is that I should just ask her. I like the Barnes & Noble idea -- we have one close by (it may be a Borders instead, but no matter -- they have a coffee shop!).

Well, I did say that I take baby steps. I know that "faint heart ne'er won a fair maid," but somehow my emotional DNA got messed up in that area. Thanks, Powerbane.

And Lookin4Serenity (gotta love that handle!), I heed your tag line

Fred you got me thinking again. You have a knack for that.
I was thinking of the many many times when I have refrained from asking a woman...anything; whether it be out for a date, or giving them a compliment, or even in my marriage when I assumed I knew what my exww's reaction would be or I even went so far as to place my own thoughts in her head and therefore stopped short of bringing something up (of course just another contributor to the non-ideal marriage that is now over).

All of the above are DJ's right?

So, if you apply that to the "I won't ask her out because she probably has a boyfriend/she probably isn't attracted to me/she might only like guys with blue eyes and mine are brown/she likes being single...." all the things we guys run through our heads when we're simply scared. Aren't we DJ'ing right there? If so, DJ'ing before a potential relationship even begins can't bode well for the relationship. Nor is it helping us eliminate those behaviors that contributed to non-ideal marriage (for me anyway DJ's were habitual).

Am I way out in left field here or not?


Anyway. On a simpler scale: I asked out the receptionist at the vet I go to for my cats. The circumstances seemed right and I told myself I'd really regret it if I didn't, so I went for it. Sounded like a complete idiot, I'm sure, lol. Well, she gave me the old "I have a boyfriend, but thanks for asking" routine, which I don't doubt.
So guess what? I survived. And now I don't have to wonder if she would go out with me or not. It's nice having that off my list of things to worry about.

Opt

I think most women wait for the guy to make the move and some of the ones that don't are often viewed as on the prowl. I've been told most guys want to do the pursuing. The woman usually indicates by her responsiveness, her interaction, whether she's interested or not. You took a step, and that is good, and maybe next time you can actually invite her out for coffee afterwards or ask for her phone number "to continue this conversation". Most women don't want hit on, so taking small steps is good...the important thing is to show interest and involve her participation and eventually nail something down in a concrete manner, like a date. Good luck to you, Fred!

Re: Opt's post...it reminded me of a story when I was young...I'd been going to the dentist and (he was cute enough and very nice) and we'd been talking about playing tennis and I invited him to play (tennis) sometime...that was when he informed me he was married. Of course I was embarrassed but he was gracious about it and I didn't let it change our professional relationship. Years later my kids were teenagers and I told them the story and they were mortified! "YOU asked out OUR DENTIST?!!!" like I'd really done something horrible to them! (They weren't even thought of yet, let alone born)
I've been going to that dentist for 35 years and we have a very nice (professional) relationship. We've known each other and caught up on chitchat as our kids were born, graduated, etc. and now his daughter works on my teeth as well as him. (wow, time flies!) And you know what? We do survive our efforts being turned down...it's not a rejection of you as a person, sometimes it's as simple as a circumstance or timing not being right. No one should have to feel embarrassed, at the best it flattered the other person, right? And gave us practice at social graces...


So while I wouldn't normally ask someone out, I find it's easier to start as friends with a common interest or activity that you can share and see where it goes.

Thanks Fred. Just to add on the Borders thing, it would probably be a good idea to already have the intention of going. What I mean is, plan on going after church on whether she goes with you or not. I'm sure you have several hobbies or interests you can plan on researchering or just wanting to learn more about. Having a plan before hand does 2 things:

First, it makes it easier when asking her for coffee. i.e. "I'm heading to Borders to read up on (fill in the blank, even better if it's a subject you know she is interested in) would you like to join me? Their mocha lattes are awsome!

And second, if she for some reason turns you down or is busy, you already had plans to do the research so you're not looking at wondering what you'll do now that the answer wasn't what you expected.

But hey Fred, I have faith in ya. You'll both be drinking latte's and reading up on the new and best 10K traing program for couples.

Lookin4Serenity: I like it!!!

Thanks for the idea. It sure makes it less artificial to do it that way.

Now, I just hope she shows up at church this Sunday...

No excuses Fred. If you haven't asked her out by Monday, I'm going to ask you out.
Opt

Fred, the anticipation is what's kills you I think. Just... pull the trigger. You'll feel better either way because she'll either say yes and you'll be happy or she'll say no and you'll know you tried. It's the not knowing that sucks... kwim? It's hard but just.... say the words!

Travis

Looking4Serenity has a great idea, I never thought of it like that before! Good point!

And good luck, Fred!

Er, ask me out, or call me out???

Fred, seriously, you can so do this. I am counting on you. And while I don't necessarily disagree with my female colleagues above I think TC has it right, ya just have to go for it.
Fred you are a desirable man. You're attractive in so many ways- obviously as a runner you take good care of yourself, you're a responsible wage earner, you're self-sufficient and comfortable with your personal interests (i.e. not "needy"), obviously intelligent and well-rounded. What woman wouldn't want to spend some time with you?

Here's another philosophy I have: as much as you've thought of what you'll say, she's probably imagined it in her mind and already has some sort of response prepared. Sure, it will boil down to "yes" or "no" but her mind is probably already made up. Translation: how you ask is completely immaterial. You could make a complete idiot of yourself (lol, I told you it's not fatal) and it won't make much a difference. But the words won't escape your mouth by accident.
-------Female Colleagues: what say you?----------

You like her right? So tell her. She'll be flattered for sure.

opt

You know what Opt, I really like what you said here; it's such a good outlook. You've already represented yourself, all you're "asking" for is to find out the result: yes or no. It's got a tinge of fatalism that takes the scary away a bit.

Yeah, I'm gonna go with the guys' suggestions here. I think it's time to just ask her out, plain and simple. Nothing big, just a coffee or a dinner...

But I would not keep trying to conveniently end up in the same places as she does (church, Border's, etc) - it sends unclear messages, IMO. Like do you really want to see HER, or do you want to see BORDER'S with her, ya know?

Just do it.

AGG

Sigh. The one thing I hadn't considered -- she didn't show up at church today.

I guess God doesn't want the Christmas holiday to be overshadowed by earthly pursuits...

What's earthly about going on a date with someone you find intriguing? We're spiritual beings trapped in a material world Fred.

Do you know anyone who knows her? Get her number and call her up.



Opt

Agreed!

Trust me guys, if I knew anyone who knew her, I'd do just as you suggest.

However, I have a "plan b" (lower case, so as to not confuse readers with the MB Plan B). You folks have encouraged me enough so that tomorrow I'm going to ask another woman to a Christmas Eve brunch to which I've been invited. That is, if she's at the meeting I'm going to...